Panic

Chris has found a Lump.

I'm so fucking frightened it's unreal. He's going to the doctors on Friday.

I'm scared of failure, so scared of success...

ARGH!

I'm terrified of not making it to vaguely where I want to be - I'm under no illusion that I'll look how I want to look, too saggy, stretchy marky and scarred for that now, but 'vaguely there' will cut it. I want it so badly. BUT it seems that I'm scared of actually making it too - why else would I eat so much rubbish and NOT gym when I could have done... I feel rubbish [manflu] but I could still stand to have done SOMETHING. Urgh. I have put on a shameful amount and I can SEE the new fat wobbling under my skin. Hateful.

I MUST be better.

Work was rubbish. Very quiet. Stu went home early.

New year, MUST get to 10 stone by this time next year. Finally then I will be happy, because I will no longer be the fattest in photos and at 10stone, despite what I look like, I know I'll be able to ride pretty much any horse (ie, it can carry me, not that I'll magically be able to ride). I'll be fitter, therefore I will ride better, I'll run further and faster and everything will be better. If I'm still *here* this time next year I'll be very upset indeed.

Must find more things to ebay. Credit card shooting up again. Not helped by buying an (unneeded :rolleyes: ) hoody from the Joules sale, especially as I intend it won't fit me for long, plus my dentistry starts again in a couple of weeks.

Blah. PLEASE motivate me for weightloss now.

Urgh

Shitheady little horse. She was a total pain in the arse today and I nearly fell off twice before I even got to the arena. Then she took exception to a plane landing and contorted herself into all sorts of shapes, at speed. However, I did not fall off. I did not look calm and elegant, but I did not fall off.

Diet was doing fine right up until 2pm when I started eating. What was meant to be a fruit corner & cereal lunch because a fruit corner, cereal and half a box of Celebrations. Now I'm home I've just had tea and I'm going through a tin of Roses at am impressive rate of knots. It's no surprising I've put on so much weight :(

Was going to go for a run this evening, but went to see IdiotHorse and got cold, so came home to a bath and Roses instead. Feel good, but it's not so good on the weightloss front.

rubbish shit and rubbish

Work was shit. Could not motivate myself and spent most of the day in the office on FB and playing squares. And eating.

Rode this morning, she was a pain and I lost my temper. Ashamed of myself.

Kittens to the vets tonight. Elmo had a pointless trip and Belly has had her anti-sex jab.

Went to the gym afterwards, managed 17 minutes on the treadmill, got bored/fucked off and came home. Via Netto, a (big) tube of pringles, a full pack of Classic bars and now a full Big Toblerone as well as my tea.

Fat cow.

I need white fillings...

There's fb pictures from last night and it looks like I have something stuck in my teeth :( Must stop grinning so much when pissed, or at least cover my mouth if I have to.

Diet is utterly by the wayside for Christmas. Was going to the gym tomorrow, but Elmos little scab is now a big scab and not nice - think it's absessed so he's off to the vet. Might take Belly too for her jab to keep her out of season. Two for one discount maybe?

I think I'm going to cut some pictures of what I want to look like, eventually and stick them somewhere I can see them daily... Positive reinforcement and all that.

My teeth hurt :( I should stop eating sweet stuff, then they'd hurt less I'm sure. Still I have a review on Tuesday and MAYBE (probably not) I'll go running after the vets tomorrow. Don't think Mol likes the top yard arena, I 'lunged' her in there this morning and she was NOT going to go forwards. She had yesterday and today off, and I can't decide whether to give her another day off tomorrow as I don't think I have time to go down to the bottom yard and use that school before work or whether to ride in the top arena anyway.

Hmmm.

Must get thin next year. Want pictures to be proud of.

So. About this 'Being Good' thing...

At 11pm at night, I have so many good intentions. I will do 200 situps every day. I will go to the gym (minimum) 4 times a week. I will go for one run a week. I will attempt to do press ups every day until I can do 100 proper ones. I will not buy ridiculous magazines, because I don't have the money. I will not go to the supermarket on the way home and buy food Just Because I haven't eaten a proper meal (yet) that day. I haven't eaten a proper meal because Ive spent the day eating biscuits and buns and sweets.

Urgh.

So. It's 9pm, so I'm earlier than normal. Despite my manflu (which, tbh, looking at Kristen & Wayne, looks actually quite horrid, I think I'm getting off lightly so far), I will ride tomorrow and I WILL gym. I will have to do both of these things in order to compensate for Fat Food at the Fondle. I will do all my transfers and get Mollys livery money together (3 weeks worth) and put it Somewhere Safe so I don't spend it all. I will not look at my bank account at any time between now and January 9th and think 'Oooh! I've got more than £20 in there! I'll have a tenner out Just In Case'.

This year I will lose the remaining 4 stone. I will also clear my work account and attempt not to get it over £100 again. I will clear my credit card and only put things on it that are in dire need of. This may potentially include new clothes (if I'm going to lose 4 stone, I need new ones). And teeth, natch. Talking of which, they are sore at the minute and he's not even doing anything. Back on 16th Jan.

FatHorse was slightly less of a shit head this morning, but I don't think she likes the surface. I can't decide whether or not to take her down to the posh yard and ride in the outdoor there, although everyone will be mucking out in the morning, and I will therefore be in full view. I think I might stick to the top yard for a while.

Every so often I can feel myself getting shit again like I was over summer, which both frightens me and reassures me in equal measures. It frightens me because i think if I have another episode like that I won't be able to stop, but I am reassured because I did it this year, I can do it next year. Although, I have just this second cancelled my FatClub membership. I must get back into the mindset of writing down what I eat - pointing. I know most of the points for stuff. Still, it's £7 a month that can go towards my credit card... Self control!! I do have it, somewhere. I hope I find it again soon.

Must Be Better.

Urgh. I have put on 6lbs since the beginning of December. I have eaten nothing but sweets and chocolates today in place of real food and as a result my skin is all spotty and blotchy and shit.

Must Eat More Vegetables.

Went to the gym tonight for the first time in a week. Managed normal program but was nearly dead by the end. I lose fitness so quickly :(

Rode FatHorse this morning in the arena on my yard. She was a little shit bag. Up earlier tomorrow so I can do battle for longer if necessary.

Still urgh

Still man flu-esque.

FatHorse has the farrier coming tomorrow and the Top Spec cool condition cubes may have done such a good job she may really be a Fat Horse again by the end of the week. I'l get on her on Wednesday. Went down to the bottom yard this morning. It's Very Posh. I'm not sure we'll fit in :S

Being Fat. it's rubbish. Day off and havent been to the gym either. Shit shit shit. Must go tomorrow. Giving up Fat Club, I never go on the site anymore anyway.

urgh

I have a new car (skoda.. I ask you. You can tell Chris bought it), a cold (again, from Chris) and utterly no motivation whatsoever for going to the gym or going running at all.

Urgh.

Hmmm

So.

Since I last blogged.

Christmas party. Less said.

FatHorse is now FatHorseThin. She's moved house. I suspect she'll put some weight on now no one's taking her haylage out.

Must. Get. Thin. Been rubbish this month and have put on weight. Must deserve the award I was nominated for.

I can't even work up the energy to get cross

This week, I have had 2 dentist appointments, been to the gym once (ONCE!!), drunk at least one bottle of wine a night, had takeaway curry and takeaway pizza, having garlic bread tonight and it's the Christmas party Saturday night.

I have tried my dress on, it still fits, JUST, but my legs look like tree trunks. It's unattractive.

I can't even work up the energy to get to the gym or do anything about it. I've eaten shit and not actually stopped.

I'm pissed off and upset about it ( :wavey: all that weightloss) but not actually enough to do anything about it.

I'm also dilemmaing about the damned horse again and her living arrangements. Fair does, they can't go out at the moment and I can't get up there (deep snow) so S is doing them, but I don't trust her to do it the way I like her to be looked after. She'll have shitty mank water, I bet she won't have any haylage and she won't have had her ball filled either. There's one yard I think I might ring up, just down the lane from where she is now, but a good extra 10 minutes on the journey by road. Will Think about costs and if they do assisted DIY/part etc. Dentists horse is there. Hmmm.

fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat

December measurements

Tuesday 2nd December
L. calf - 16.4
R. calf - 16.7
L. thigh - 26
R. thigh - 26.7
Hips (inc tummy)- 43.5
top hips (on bellybutton)- 41
waist - 34
under boobs - 33
L upper arm - 13.0
R upper arm - 12.6

Saturday 1st November
L. calf - 16.4
R. calf - 16.7
L. thigh - 26
R. thigh - 26.7
Hips (inc tummy)- 43.5
top hips (on bellybutton)- 38.5
waist - 33
under boobs - 31.5
L upper arm - 13.0
R upper arm - 12.6

:bawling: OK so I've been rubbish at FatFighting, but that is a shocking amount of size to have put on.

Feeling Festive

Today has been a nice day - ponies (and I) had a lie in, they didnt go out till 9. Moll had to do some work, think once she's clipped she's going to have to have breakfast too, she does look rather light at the minute. Anyway, she worked nicely, but might have to start wearing spurs. Hmm. I don't *think* she's hungry, and once I've got after her she does work nicely, but the first 5 minutes is spent with 'this is my leg, this is my whip...' until she finally decided to play ball. Must be more consistant with my contact.

Was all lovely and frosty up there too, real thick frost. Looked very wintery and I felt (feel) very festive at the moment... Took her for a mooch down the bridleway afterwards but it was too icy really, she kept slipping.

Meant to go swimming today, but, umm, forgot. Rubbish. Haven't actually done any proper exercise today and have eaten rubbish. Nor did I go into town and buy any tit tape. They were highly busy at work, very pleased I wasn't in. This is it now till Christmas though... I've got too lazy.

Going to Chris' sisters for alcohol tonight. Must be good.

Hmm....

Been sent a page of links 'to read and digest'.

Hmmm. Still reading, still digesting. Still not sure of its relevance though?

http://www.google.co.uk/search?hl=en&q=bi+polar+disorder&meta=

Being a bit shit again

Dunno why. Think it's because things arent really going my way weight wise...Well, it is and it isn't. I'm a little lacking in motivation and I don't really know why.

First of all I was going to go to the gym tonight (I didn't ride this morning), then I decided I wasn't, but I was going to go for a run instead. Didn't do that either. Didn't sleep overly well last night which probably isn't helping my current mood PLUS ridiculous jealousy is rearing its ugly head.

Hmmm. Am going to ride in the morning and I AM going to go to the gym after work. Have a weekend of wine drinking and pizza ahead of me to try and negate, plus the VAT deal at work most of Monday. Tuesday is the dentist again so hopefully I'll be back on the soup diet after that. I can't decide which tooth hurts more now. I'd not thought of dentistry in my hopefulness of being out of debt.... I'll aim for the end of January to get the credit card paid off. Hmm. Oh well.

On the plus side my pink dress still fits, yay.... It's even baggy over the tits which is shocking. It may even need taking in. What a novelty.

Arrrggghhhh

I don't know why I am letting myself get so wound up over shavings of all things. Breathe.....

Hmmm.

Had a moment earlier. You know, general self hatred et al. I seem over it now. I am getting increasingly jealous though. I am pleased certain people aren't coming to the Christmas party now because I was paranoid before over what is/was said etc. At least I'm now only being paranoid while I'm sober. If I was drunk I might attempt to act on it.

Diet is not going well. Christmas chocolates have started to arrive and I have started to eat them.

Mmmm, chocolate. Mmmmm, losing my boyfriend. Must stop eating aforementioned chocolate.

Riding on a morning again...

Is good for the soul I think :nod: Even if it is a fucker dragging yourself out of bed. Didn't do very much cos the pair of us were still half asleep I think - it took a couple of reminders that leg on = shift your ass. Might wear spurs tomorrow. Took her flash off this morning too, but didnt really do enough to decide if it was beneficial or not.Have printed out some walk and trot tests for video dressage to try and work towards. Aim low and all that... Canter needs Work and until we can have regular lessons again, it's not high on the list to be thinking about it.

Diet? What diet? I am aiming for a 'maintain' over Christmas and New Year. Eat what the hell I like and make sure I go to the gym. As long as I fit in my dress it's all good.

Work. Bit shit. Not for now.

I love my pony again...

Not that I don't always, just sometimes she's easier to love than others...

Have pretty much done bugger all, all day (aka, the washing up and listed some stuff on ebay) so went up this aft to ride and faff about. S had the day off today so I'd asked her to leave her in but with a mountain of haylage. Got there and there was no haylage left but her guts werent growling so I assume she got it. Tacked up while chatting to Sophies owner (she said again today I'd lost MORE weight...) and then went in the school. I don't know what changed - they were still shooting and still logging and it was very windy, but everything I asked for, I got...It got to the point where i could ignore what she was doing because it was RIGHT and concentrate on myself. Everyso often she'd attempt to fall in, but she'd make it so obvious she was *about* to, I was able to correct it before she did it. Ended up riding in a t shirt too cos I'd got hot, most of it was in trot. She was a very good pony and i wish it could be like that all the time. I do love her, so much.

Now, that I was not expecting...

Red dress arrived yesterday.... fits. Yeah, check me out! So, that put me in a good mood. Then we went to Meadowhall...Needed something else for the other xmas party, went to Next, tried on a 16, and it was ok, but there was a hole in the front of the dress, so asked the lady for another one....she came back, said there wasn't any other 16s, but here, try on a 14... well, that fits too, so I bought it. That one I do have to stay thin for though.

So, yeah, yesterday was A Good Day, clothes wise...

FatHorse has decided to do a FatHorseThin and has dropped a startling amount of weight just recently. Have got some fibre to feed as well as her hay. She was a pain in the ass yesterday, proper can't shan't won't. Although, if I was hungry like she must be, I get like that too.

Think I've sold my clippers on ebay. Bit less than I'd hoped as it's on a buy it now, but I want to get my credit card paid off now. My Wii Fit game has attracted bugger all interest, bizarrely. No watchers, nothing.

Hmm. Must gym today, finding it hard to summon up the enthusiasm. Got a touch of man flu.

Sometimes I take my horse for granted.

She hasn't been sat on for at least 2 weeks, so today I rode her in the school, with clay pigeon shooting going on in the woods behind, and logging (and the related chainsawing/tractoring/axing...) going on behind her fatcamp.... she was a little bit tense - canter was a bit yee-haaa, but she was Really Very Good Indeed.

Going for a ride/run tomorrow with Fanny round the chevin. Could be interesting :unsure:

In other news...I'm still fat and I've fallen out of love with the gym.

One good day, one bad day....

Hmm. Mouth exceedingly painful yesterday, today...not so much. Had a FOUL taste in my mouth in the gym though. Gym wasn't amazing, didnt go on the treadmill at all, my legs felt all wibbly while I was walking down, so I did 20 minutes on the bike instead and then rowed and cross trained. At least I went and did SOMETHING though. But I was right, I knew it would happen eventually - my enthusiasm for the gym has utterly disappeared.

I have asked someone to do a reading of FatHorse and the kittens. I already don't think I want to know what she hears, but the masochistic side of me wants to. I AM going to get on Mol tomorrow.... I hope. I bet it rains. I'm off to the gym in the morning, so will turn out the small fat thing instead, then ride this aft and turn her out instead.

Next year....

I shall become financially solvent.

I WILL pay off my credit card and only use it when I can pay it off within a month.

I WILL pay off my work account

I WILL sort my teeth out

I WILL lose this last 4 stone

I WILL get divorced

:fingerscrossed: anyway...

Miserable....again

I don't know whats up with me at the minute - I don't know if this pain is normal....I am horribly healthy so I don't deal with pain overly well. If something hurts I get convinced I'm dying. So, is this pain normal and something to live with cos it will die off in a couple of days, OR should I go back to the dentist? I have an appt in a couple of weeks anyway.

Was meant to be going to Stephs birthday at Nandos tonight, but Chris only got in half an hour ago and I was asleep. Ooops, so have been a chicken and sent her a text to say we're not coming. I did prewarn her earlier that we might not cos of my mouth.

Did a proper full muck out of Molls bed earlier, took me absolutely ages and I lost count of the amount of barrow loads I took out. Hopefully that was my workout for the day because I've been a fat cow for the rest of it (when I've been awake). Had a tidy round of all my stuff, and found one of her previously lost wellies, which was a bit of a result. Must remember to take up a scoop for her Graze-On tomorrow rather than just grabbing handfuls. Very messy and wasteful...Must try harder to watch pennies.

I am being such a fat cow

I've put on 5lbs this week :( so you would imagine i would be being uber good from today? No. I was good all day at work, but since I've got in, I've had a mars duo, the vast majority of a bag of Haribo (Starmix...mmmm), an embarrassing amount of cheese and salami, 2 slices of bread & jam, a hot chocolate....and I'm about to have my tea - with wine. Oh well.

Anyway. I'm on holiday now from work. It's been a shit week. My mouth hurts. I'm going to get very drunk and start again tomorrow.

Who knows, I might even get to ride my horse this week?

It was all going so well...

food-wise. But then there was an incident with a strawberry bun, some yogurt and some nutella. And Chris has bought some croissants. The correct thing to do now would be to refuse said croissants, but I was so excited when I saw them, he'll guess somethings up. And I want them.

My mouth is still sore, but not AS sore - but I am still popping the painkillers. I'll see how it is next week. It didnt keep me awake last night, so hopefully it's all settled down.

Andy wants to meet up next week to get some papers signed for the divorce. Erk. I was meant to be thin when I met him again. Having said that it's about 2 years now I think since he last saw me. Wonder what he looks like now?

Stupid teeth

Gah.... Didn't sleep much again last night, despite the wine. Face is still blown up and sore, but finished the antibiotics yesterday. Suppose toofache will either develop into something proper, or I am actually imagining it. Either is possible. Especially at the moment, as it doesnt hurt at all now, but, oh, I don't know. I've had a lot of pain killers today. Quite like it when it hurts, reminds me it's not all in my head.

Didn't go to the gym. But have had vegetables for tea, and soup for lunch.

Neither Dan nor Vickie in tomorrow. Colins day off. Kelli in, but has knackered her thumb. Chris is MEANT to have a day off but he's coming in. Probably just as well, as it would have been just me and Stu again.

Very tired, can't wait for my week off next week. Havent ridden since I don't know when. Molly hasnt been out for last 3 days. She's going to be feral by the time I do get back on her. She had a good groom tonight, she wasn't impressed.

Christopher is home

He comes bearing cheese, chocolate, garlic and LOTS of wine..

Well, it would be rude not to, we're sampling the chocolates and have sampled the wine. Technically, as I am currently having an allergic reaction to the abs (rashy face) the wine is probably a bad idea, but, hey....I'm not dead yet.

My mouth hurts and I feel sick.

Welcome home Christopher :lol:

Owwwww my stupid teeth

They, well, the top one that's left on the right hand side, has really hurt for most of the day. Has been fine from about 3pm onwards, but now it's REALLY sore again - my own fault I've overloaded on nutella (my 'healthy' dessert) and options.

I didn't sleep that well last night again - I don't know if it's cos the cats are being little shitheads, my teeth hurting or the fact Chris isn't here. Potentially a combination of all 3. I used to hate it when Andy came home and banished him to the spare room in case he woke me up, but I'd give anything to have Chris here now :blush:

Ponies didnt go out today, the field is actually a swamp now plus it was uber windy. Not getting back on a FatHorse till we can either go out in company or the school dries up - if there's any left of it. Most of it was in the field yesterday. She was feral yesterday.

Went to the gym tonight, didnt do overly well but I'm pleased I went. Right up to the point I got on the rower (which I did first) I was making excuses as to why I'd have to leave early but then once I'd started I got a bit into it. My mouth was pounding though and could still taste blood. Not nice.

Tomorrow has the makings of being a shit day at work, just C in the shop so I will have to spend the day in there with him. Hope my mouth feeling better. Stupid teeth.

Oh....Bollocks.

My mouth is still sore, sneezing is painful and my upper right hole has an intriguing tendancy to make bizarre noises like air is being sucked up it. And my head hurts. I am however eating normal food again though.

Going back to the gym tomorrow night, could have gone this morning really but I felt a bit rubbish - Chris went last night and I had a fuck-awful nights sleep. The cats were playing silly buggers all night and I had myself convinced there were people breaking in at work and prowling about outside.... Not nice. Ended up switching my phone off at 3am cos I was convinced I was going to get an alarm call and while I'm not exactly a fan of them when Chris is home, I TRULY didnt fancy one on my own.

Diet has gone by the wayside and obviously exercise has too, so I will either stay the same or put weight on this week, but :dunno: can't get in a shit over it because there's not really been much I can do - well apart from not eat shit obviously.

Tomorrow is going to be shit at work - V rang earlier to say she wants to take her dog to the vets first thing in the morning because it looks like she's in labour but nothings actually happening (I have STRONGLY advised she go now and not later) , and now DtM has rung me to say he's had a car crash and written off his car. Have texted Poo but no reply yet, so he's going to be in a shit as well.

Andy rang Friday night. He wants to start divorce proceedings. Interesting.... Apparently he's starting them tomorrow. Cool.

Still meepy, still grumpy....

Still sore...

Work could be fun tomorrow. Chris goes tomorrow night too :( Will miss him. :blush:

In other news...have slept most of the day and Andy wants a divorce now, is going to start proceedings on Monday.

I am 13.7stone. Hopefully this week I'll still lose some weight although am not hopeful. I can't remember the last time I was this light. Fifteen years ago maybe?

No gymming by me till Monday which is a bit shit. But I do feel rubbish and I only want to go because I can't, typical.

I do wonder still if my fat is fat or if it's loose skin? I do wish I was rich.

I wonder if I'll ever see Andy again? He doesnt seem to think that we'll need to meet up to sort the divorce out. I wonder if he's changed at all?

Owwwwwwwwwww

I actually can't be arsed to blog tonight.

Had 3 wisdom teeth out today. Mouth is huge, I'm spitting blood and it hurts already.

Miserable tonight :(

Come on, you fat bitch!

Fanny and I went running tonight, we walked a lot :S and met some chavs. Did it in 44 minutes (3.44miles). Same as we did Race for Life in. Didnt help that we both kept getting the giggles. Still, we went. And that we did means that we didnt sit on our arses not doing ANYTHING, which is a good thing.

My laptop arrived today, on it now. Love it love it love it. It's all shiny and new and quiet and lovely. Can't wait till we have wi-fi too and I can tinterweb in bed lol :lazybitch:

Dentist tomorrow, hopefully I won't have to have ALL my teeth out.

Had a rubbish day, not slept overly well and not acheived anything at all. Must. Try. Harder tomorrow.

Havent prepared Dan any questions either. It's ok, I don't suppose for a second he's actually done what I asked him to anyway.

wonderings

Today I worked out that I am finally just overweight :banana: Only another 1.5stone to go (as of this morning) and I will be A HEALTHY WEIGHT. There's a shocker.

However. To celebrate I have eaten a SHITLOAD of chocolate, a weegemans sandwich, a weegemans scotch egg, a weegemans strawberry bun, shreddies (clearly they did not keep my hunger locked up till lunch), tea, some cheese pancake thing, MORE chocolate...

Running tomorrow. Was meant to go tonight (went to gym this morning) but Fanny was hungry. I could have gone on my own but I'm a lazy cow and was cold, so I didnt.

Have also spent some of the morning trekking round the chevin in an attempt to find my errant horse, only to find her in the next yard down, in a nicely bedded stable and with a nice net of (non-mouldy...) haylage. She was so utterly PROUD of herself I am a little concerned about what she might have been up to. That little Shetland fucker... I'm convincing myself though that between her rug, the tail and the whole height difference thing it's unlikely. If it is, she's being jabbed out of it. Little fuckers.

So. Alarm set for 5.45am in order to go up and refence the bastard field and do jobs before work. Coffee for FB!

How will I know...?

I was poking at my belly earlier, as you do, and was wondering...How will I KNOW when I'm thin enough? I can't decide if what I have now is loose skin, or still just fat?

I need to set myself some exercise aims as well. Running the whole of Race for Life this year will be a good start, sub 30minutes would be amazing, but not overly acheivable.

November measurements....

Saturday 1st November
L. calf - 16.4
R. calf - 16.7
L. thigh - 26
R. thigh - 26.7
Hips (inc tummy)- 43.5
top hips (on bellybutton)- 38.5
waist - 33
under boobs - 31.5
L upper arm - 13.0
R upper arm - 12.6

Tuesday September 2nd
L. calf - 17
R. calf - 17.5
L. thigh - 26.5
R. thigh - 26.5
Hips (inc tummy)- 45
top hips (on bellybutton)- 41.5
waist - 36
under boobs - 32
L upper arm - 13.5
R upper arm - 13

So, yay! Some inch loss at last. Not bad going as I have been really naughty about sticking to points over the last few months. I write this, eating a Wispa bar (not as nice as I remember) and have just eaten a Kinder Bueno. Oops. Will point it, I'm a good girl... Now. :sigh: And Chris got Ben and Jerrys for tea. Who wants to be thin anyway?

FatHorse was a good girl to ride this morning. Think she was bored too. Just went in the school, which is still a bit sloshy. Then I turned her out in FatCamp while I did my jobs and tidied about my stable, then brought her in and washed her legs - she has manky grease build ups where her boots go :puke: so they got done in washing up liquid. She's having the rest of the day in bed. Towel dried her legs but they were still damp, plus I've brought her wellies home to wash.

Lots of magazines have been bought to curl up with later. Tired now. There is a definate FEEL of man-flu hanging about

So much for riding this morning

:grumps:

Tumbled out of bed at 6am....to hear it pissing it down. Neither of us like working in the rain, so instead I have got up, trundled about a bit, had a coffee (the novelty!), done my banking, painted my nails, will straighten my hair then go up and muck out.

Todays aims:
Banking & wormers, then shop
Fruit at midday, then lunch when shop staff have finished their lunches
Admire my Christmas present (arriving this afternoon apparently)
MUST email riding instructor, apologise for being shit and explain lessons while needed are pointless at the minute because I have no usuable surface to ride on.
At the gym I'm going to attempt Day 1 of Challenge Queen Rach again. I think I did it in 33 minutes last time, but with no squats. If gym empty will attempt squats. If not I'll just try for quicker.
More Goodness.

Chris is going to France next week. Allowed to have THREE days unsupervised and TWO nights. I dont want him to go :wimp:

Right. Must get weighed. Day one (again) and all that.

Thursday...

I think it's a good day.

Get in the shop...tick
Good workout at the gym....tick
Not stressing at the horse.... tick
Apologising for twattishness....tick

Slightly over points.... Not by many though, 2 maybe? I havent pointed exactly. Had some plums at midday, then my lunch just before 2pm. I like to do this, when I can last that long... it makes the day seem so much quicker, to be having lunch just before last break.

I'm going to get on FatHorse tomorrow, the alarm is set and everything... Even if we just end up trundling about the field for 10 minutes, I'm going to enjoy it and be happy with it. I'm not hacking out, I still hold my hands up and I admit I frightened myself the other week and I'm furious I put her in that situation.

As for the gym tomorrow, I'm going to do the first Challenge Fat Bloater I think. My new program is ok, I get hot and sweaty but I don't get that proper rush I get from working HARD. Even though it is hard. Work that out?

Anyway. Today I feel pretty much on top of the world, I don't know why but I'm not going to knock it. I've spent the last 3 months or so waiting for the rubbishy feelings to kick back in, they havent, and I'm hopeful now they won't.

Here's to the last 4 stone....

Habits

I really need to develop some good ones. The past 3/4 months I've just been surfing along in my own little world, complaining about this that and the other and not actually doing anything proactive to change anything.

So.

This morning I decided I'm not going to go to FatClub anymore. It makes me feel about an inch high that someone from the gym weighs me. I never stay for the meetings so I'm not actually getting any benefit from it. So I'm going back to doing it online and I must start USING the message boards again. Plus it's going to be cheaper. Hardly noticable, but cheaper nevertheless. My new weigh in day will be Friday mornings.

Work...well. I'm going to make more of an effort to get out of the office - stay in there till after lunches then go into the shop. This will help me get more organised with my time for when I really am on my own and no one's going to be looking at my screen when they walk in to see if I'm on Facebook or working. Plus the shop is looking a bit of a shit tip just lately. Friday I'm going to do AMTRA stuff with Dan as well. He needs his arse kicking in general. So that'll stop me stagnating in the shop anyway.

Horse...Hmm. Well. Today I intended to get up early and go out for a hack. I havent. I frightened myself tbh the other week when I came back along Yorkgate at the time I did. The arena is frozen solid and the field won't be much better. I think the best thing to do will be to find a proper yard where I can hack out with people on my days off and there be a better maintained arena... I'm half thinking about going back to the Grange. I know I said I never would, but..I bet for £40 a week I could have her brought in on a night and it actually be done. I keep hearing about places getting broken into as well, while people are there, and I just feel a bit vulnerable up there on a morning.

Thinking lots. Been a twat.

rubbish...

I am a shit FatFighter.

Got to the gym after work tonight and just went to find Fanny - couldnt be arsed with gym, so we went for a run instead. Was rubbish. She'd already run a mile on the treadmill (9.26 the big bitch, thats beaten me now by a good 30 seconds) so then we just went for a shite run - ipod reckons it was only half a mile. Took us 20minutes so I assume more likely to be 1.5miles. Fucking hope so anyway...

So yeah, about Fat Fighting.... forgot to go. Hmm. Then came home, have eaten 2 slices toast and jam, 1 packet of crisps, tea (roast dinner...) (more) wine and nutella and yogurt. Oh well. I can be thin next week...

Rubbishness. And I can't even bring myself to get cross with myself over it.

Mapmyrun says 1.9mile. Suppose not so shabby. We did walk a lot.

Bah. I wish...

I wish:

1. That I'd never got to this stage to start with

2. That I was a nicer person

3. That I was rich so I could afford to fix myself

4. That I could find it within myself to start back losing weight again. There is not *that* much further to go now, why can't I do it?

5. That I could stop wanting.

6. That I could be happy with what I have. I have a Christopher, a home, a good job that I get paid well for relative to my productivity, a FatHorse and my 2 kittens. I really do not have anything to complain about at all.

7. That I could motivate myself to do MORE. Today I could have ridden, gymmed and run. I only went to the gym. Tomorrow I should be able to run/ride or gym. I bet I only gym. I MUST get myself out of the habit that the arena is wet so I have to hack. I'm so fucking BORED of the bridleway.

8. That I could do something positive instead of whinging about how unfair everything is.

9. That I could apologise to the people I need to apologise to.

I wish that was enough.

doo-wop, ba-ba doo-wop....OBLIVION!

Terrorvision were fab and I've been trying to convince people to come with me tonight to see them in Newcastle but no one's playing :( Sang along to it all, the acoustic bit was fab (Tequila? Acoustic??) and I have utterly fallen in love all over again. I went to buy a t-shirt at the end and the woman told me she was sorry, but they only had large shirts left. Got a bit :( cos I thought she meant it'd be too small but Chris said she thought I'd need a medium, which was nice :D got it and am now sat here wearing it. Have itched though at some point :( Don't remember (when do I) doing it, maybe I do it at night?

Been up and ridden this morning. It was REALLY windy and she was a pain in the arse but we had fun anyway. She had fun arsing about in front of jumps and I was just pleased to have ridden. I#m not feeling gymmy today, so I'll *think* about going for a run later. I'm not sure how much further I'll get with that thinking tbh, I'm really tired, struggled to stay awake in the bath :blush:

Must. Stop. Eating. Come on, get with it... Thin....

So tired...

Last night I did the town run, but felt good, so added a bit more on. Mapped it when I got home (I walked quite a bit of the last bit tho) and it was 3.44miles - 38minutes. I was shattered. Got in the shower, ate my tea then fell into bed and slept until 5.30 this morning.

Still tired now and I've been to the garage (to fill the car up) but accidentally bought a HUGE bag of malteasers. Have eaten the lot and feel sick now. Stupid.

Got to wait for the boiler man before going shopping. But yay, Terrorvision tonight!!

Challenge Queen Rach

I ache....

Day 1 challenge was 0.5mile run 2% incline, 50 close pull downs (30kg), 50 sit ups, 500m row level 10 X 2, then another 0.5mile run on a 2% incline. Did that in 29minutes and my arms ached like hell yesterday. Picking up the phone was an effort. Yesterdays was 2000m row (8m17s), 400m run, 15 sit ups X 5, then 1 mile 3.5mph on a 15% incline (20mins = 1.17m). I can move this morning, but it wont be a good idea to sit still for long today lol. I'm going to go for a nice 'easy' run tonight, same one I did Monday. Hell, I might even attempt to do it twice (4 miles then). I'm not sure I want to know what day 3 challenge might be...

Chris bought my christmas present yesterday... a new laptop, am HIGHLY excited - squeeeeeeeee. It's ruby red. I picked that colour. Could have had bubble gum pink.

The boots I got Vickie for Christmas arrived today...Sadly instead of the boots, they appear to have turned into a full neck stable rug. Would fit a fathorse but I'm a good girl and I'm ringing them later. Poor person who bought it paid the extra for next day delivery too. At least these boots have a while before they're due to turn up.

I need to do some sums to try and work out how soon my credit card and work account can be paid off. Hopefully by April. I might think again in March/April time, if I've been able to move FatHorse about maybe getting a sharer again. I'm already worrying about what might happen with her over Christmas while I'm away. Might just pay Fanny to sort her out and risk getting everyone offended.

rant, blah, bollocks, fuck, wahhhh

Lack of sleep last night hasnt helped current mood, then I took FatHorse round the triangle, something I've refused to do before now because I thought it was frankly, dangerous. I was right and nearly got the pair of us killed. She was a star though. Catching some pikeys robbing some horse feed out the warehouse, and putting 2lbs on at FatClub has topped the lot off.

Even winning £100 on premoum bonds (I'm so cool) can't cheer me up.

Bollocking bastard fucking hell.

Bah

I can't sleep.

Work wasn't overly productive yesterday, must do better today. Wish you could disable certain sites apart from at particular times, ahemfacebookahem.

Went up to the yard after work, intending to ride, despite the wind and the fact it was trying to be dark. Got her all tacked up and was about to lead her out the barn when the farrier turned up to shoot some (nonexistent, thanks to FatHorse) ducks. So, high winds + dark x shooting = FatHorse getting untacked again :wimp: I wouldnt have got anything productive out of her anyway, especially considering her reaction when inside the barn. When I get up again this morning (assuming I can go back to sleep...) we'll go in the school. It's raining now but if it comes to it we can just go on a 20m circle I guess.

Anyway, left the yard and went down to the gym, not exactly full of enthusiasm, but needing to do some form of exercise. Got there and it was packed, so walked out again :blush: Seriously, I've never seen it so full, even in the post-Christmas guilt trip. Got home and decided to do the run I did with Fanny the other day. Walked up to the top of W.Drive, then ran ALL the way nearly. I think I walked for the length of 2 street lamps (maybe 3?) up Farnley Lane. Took me 22minutes. Nike+ says it's 1.33miles, mapmyrun said it was 2miles exactly. So, yay!! Suddenly running 3 miles doesnt feel so out of reach anymore, although Swinsty, I think I have some kind of mental block over it. It's that first bridge, I swear.

FatClub tonight, I'm not hopeful tbh, unless I suddenly get a big bout of sickness before I go. Serves me right for having such an amazing weight loss last week. Going to go to the gym before, but think I will do intervals rather than trying to run without stopping again. Do I do incline or fast? Fast I find easier, so it's a bit of a cheat really.

I've booked a week off at the end of November and then I'm going to be paid for the last of the holiday I havent taken, which, provided I can keep my sweaty little paws off the money, it will go towards paying off my work account. Hopefully on Friday I'll get some money back from 'The Christmas Fund' to pay a bit of what I got from Body Shop to take some ff my credit card too. Technically Molly has enough in her account now (don't tell her, she'll invent some kind of disease) to pay off some of my credit card/account for me but I'd rather leave it there for emergencies. I have £10 now to last me till Friday. Stu won the bonus ball at work, irritatingly. I wanted that, it was nearly £200. That could have paid for something LOL.

Shame really it's dark, I'm wide awake and quite fancy riding. That would be highly organised, to have gone up and ridden already by 6am. One day, when I'm rich and I have my own place, that naturally has an indoor school (with lights) I'll be able to do that... Yeah, I'm just dreaming now.

Sunday

Fuck me, it's cold.

Been to gym (treadmill = 16mins, 1.6miles, 1 min 4mph 90secs 7.5mph, rower = 10 x 30secs 45spm 10secs rest, x-trainer = 11mins,1 min fast 30secs rest 167calories, also did some sit ups and thin arms (reverse pull down 40kgs & hateful arm thing 2 x 3kg weights), was there ages (clearly) and am about to go to Danefield with Fanny and the dogs. Havent ridden.

There was a lady in the gym the other night, I'm sure I've seen her in FatClub but she congratulated me on how much weight I'd lost, then asked me how long it had taken (is taking...). Told her it will be 2 years at the end of next month and she said 'oh... well I've lost 5 stone since June'. I'm pleased for her and all, but am so jealous. And yes it made me feel a bit shit. 5 stone in 4 months. Fuck me.

It was Sues bodyshop party last night. It wasnt as bad as I was expecting actually. Linda Dawn and Sue have all got me nice stuff from there as Christmas presents and I got something for Nicola and Claire from there along with stuff for Linda Dawn and Sue. Spent too much really, but it is Christmas presents....

Must ride in the morning, will read my schooling book for some inspiration and will maybe put the pelham on her for some 'oi, I AM here...' reminders. This is if it doesnt rain over night, if it does the arena will be unusable. I wonder how long a quick Danefield would take actually? Too long I think. I would do the triangle, but the first bit of Yorkgate would be far too dangerous. I rang the Potential New Yard again, they're building some more stables and will ring me when they're finished. Hopefully. In the meantime, I'm not hating it AS much up there....

Christopher off to France in 3 weeks for some more wine.

No less than I deserve really

And I (and Chris) absolutely predicted it too. In fact Chris outright TOLD me that I ruined things with friends by being crazy and I didnt quite believe him. All ok now but is too late, but also means some people arent who I thought they were, which I find far more upsetting and wish I hadnt let so many things go.

Anyway. To thinness!

Tried TAMs dress on again today. I think it does fit better, but my flabby belly shows far too much, dress is still tight over it. Plus I dont think I'd trust a strapless bra in it. Chris had to agree and he also says that 7 weeks isnt long enough to get rid of the bellyness so we've agreed I'll find something else to wear. What I have no idea. New Look has failed me and I like some Monsoon stuff but they are WAY out of my price range. Plus TAMs dress is Monsoon so it seems a bit pointless replacing it with something from there, because I dont want to go up a size if that makes sense.

I can't make up my mind about whether to gym today or not. I've been up and done the horses but not ridden. I should ride later but dont want to go for a hack, and field and school both still wet. Bah. Well..... must motivate self... urgh housework

Blahhhhhh

I MUST start blogging again properly and writing down what exercise I do each day. I've forgotten what I've done during the week and thats not great.

The gym was rubbish today. I tried to recreate Tuesdays amazing running-all-the-time run, but managed 5 minutes before giving up and doing fast intervals instead, rather than the hard, incline stuff. Rower was average and cross trainer was slow. Managed situps and a minute of a normal plank. Also did arms.

Not massively impressed with myself at work or in general really. I am obnoxious sometimes.

IdiotHorse (and Good Day Yesterday Shocker)

Yesterday I got to the yard to bring her in at lunchtime (trying to turn her into ThinHorse) to find the little shit hock deep in the pond at the bottom of the field, eating reeds off the island. Her wellies were sopping and she sported highly attractive black fetlocks, white cannon bones and black to the knee/hock yesterday afternoon. Turns out there's a man who comes shooting and he puts corn on that island to encourage the ducks there. Apparently he can't work out why he's not had that many birds this year. I think I've found out why.

Anyway, brought her in, went back to work and then to the gym afterwards... Had my BEST EVER run - 2.5miles in 25minutes dead. I walked for 2 minutes. Was nearly dead by the end and I made Fanny take a picture on her phone to prove it, then I texted everyone with it :geek: Bit cross though, in that I had to stop so I wasnt late for FatClub, but I KNOW I could have made it to 3miles. Probably not in 30minutes, but near enough. FatClub though...think (hope) my weightloss mojo is back...had lost 7lbs from last Tuesday. And yes, I am eating.And not being sick.Wish I could do that every week!! So naturally Chris and I went for pizza for tea. Was SO good. Garlic bread was the best ever.

So, yeah, good day yesterday.

Today...not so good, but its still cool cos yesterday was my favourite day of this week so far. Went on a hack with FatHorse this morning, went the 'wrong' way round the bridleway. Raced a cow (technically, I think it was chasing us) then had a full on fit at a (stationery) 4x4 with an (empty) sheep trailer attatched. Was horrible at the time... First we were in the bush, then the middle of the road (cars behind) then I made the mistake of whacking her, so we had PROPER toys out of the pram for about a minute - felt like a lifetime. Had to stop any thought of doing anything effective and just cling on. Then the little fucker finished her tantrum and strolled on as if nothing had happened!!! We were nearly home as well, like 100metres from the turning back to the yard.

Got to work...had an ok day, bit boring really and just had a really shit gym session, although I DID do 2000m on the rower in 8.30minutes. Itched though, which was shit. And Chris brought some Ben and Jerrys home, which was a bit rubbish lol, although am still within points. Going to go running round Cambridge tomorrow night with Fanny.

Am determined to be in the dress Tam gave me for the Christmas party. I need a strapless bra though, which could be ...difficult. I have 7 weeks to lose 2 dress sizes. I am assured it's doable. Had a FatScan tonight which shows almost no difference to last time I had one, which is shit. Next time will be better.

So tired...

Have had a kind of rubbish gym session, a fab ride - schooling - when she wasnt rushing she was Very Good Indeed and then went to Swinsty with Fanny and the dogs. Took us 50minutes, which was rubbish, but hey...3 workouts today. I'm knackered now though.

Not got nags to do in the morning either, probably just as well, I'm feeling a bit rubbish now. Thought it was dehydration earlier, but I've drunk nearly 6litres of fluid this afternoon/evening, so can't be, surely? FatHorse is playing out in the field tonight, big :crossfingers: she doesnt colic overnight. She was such a star today, was SO proud of her.

OK food, have pointed everything I've eaten and am still 0.5point inside. Think thats probably actually been used up by the generous helping of Nutella I had though. Tomorrow have Shreddies & porridge for lunch, along with the obligatory pink & whites and rice cakes. Must. Be. Good. Can't decide whether to attempt an evening ride tomorrow, ask Fanny if she wants to go for a run, then some sit ups at the gym afterwards or just go running on my own. Oh, these decisions I have. OR I might even gym tomorrow morning. Depends on what time I get up/how I feel. Was awake from 4am to 5am this morning then went back to bed, the next time I looked at the clock it was 9am. Poor ponies.

Or, I might just do nothing :rolleyes:

Woman about the yard never phoned back. Will try again tomorrow morning.

Right. Enough.

This is ridiculous. While I don't want to get back into my shitness of over summer, I DO need to get that self control back. I'm getting lazy in the gym, I'm not running as much and it's all rubbish. I've lost 8 stone, I 'only' have 4 stone left to lose, I can't give up now.

So. A goal.

I'd like to be 13stone by Christmas. Preferably less, but, you know.

I'm not running with Tam on a Monday night anymore, but that doesnt stop me going. Still going to the gym with Stef on a Wednesday and Thursday evening. I like to gym on a Sunday morning. Depending on my mood, Tuesday before FatClub helps. Plus riding. I'd like to start swimming again too. When I'm not entirely sure.

I'm hopefully going to look at a new yard for FatHorse over the weekend, if there's space there. Hopefully it won't be a rat infested flea pit, I've stalked it a bit on GoogleEarth, it seems nice enough. It means hacking round town but at least it will be lit, so if the arena is flooded, I can still ride. Havent told Steph yet I'm thinking of moving. Can't imagine it going down overly well. It's on my way to work too. According to mapmyrun it's 1.7miles from home across the park, and I could hack with Stef and Noddy too, as well as people from the yard, if I like them. It's cheaper too and my car won't have to struggle up the Chevin anymore. So, I've pretty much convinced myself I want to go, without even seeing it. They might be nutters.

My finances are a bit shit at the minute, but I've got stuff for sale at the minute, if it doesnt go on SU/ebay I'll attempt a car boot or something. Was going to put the money from the horsey stuff in FatHorses account, try and get it to £300 as a 'buffer' for emergency vets/checks etc, then use the £30pw I put in it to go against my work account (currently £700, eek) or my credit card (darent admit what's on that). And anything non-horsey I sell can go straight against my card or work account. Have been giving Chris £20pw (for, ooh, 2 weeks) to go in a Christmas Present account, so will keep on with that. I've got Fannys present, got her a Nike+ kit. Havent even thought about what to get Chris. He might end up with socks yet.

Urgh, whingey, meh....

Hopefully this is just cos I'm over tired and I've eaten too much today.

Came back from Evies last night (top night), straight to bed and then alarm went off at some ridiculous hour so I could drive to Birmingham for the trade fair. Wasn't bad, think I might have been flashed on one of those average speed check things though :S Actually, the fair was really good. I should have spent tonight going through it all and sorting it out but all I've actually managed to do is bath, eat and watch telly. Rubbish. If I'd got organised a bit better I could have gone to the gym before it shut but I...didnt. Also clearly have not been for a run OR ridden. Will ride and gym tomorrow. Honest.

I hate liars. Why tell me one thing, then for someone else manage to do the one thing you can't do for me? Fine, so you dont think enough of me to do xy or z, but please dont lie about it. It always gets found out, and because I'm such a chicken I'll never say anything to you, or confront you over it, so I'll just write about it here, where I know you'll never read and twist myself into getting an ulcer or some such bollocks over it all.

And now Iceland.... I want to go, I really do, but I'm going to miss my pony and my kittens and I am SCARED about the flight :( and I can see myself getting horribly worked up over it all and not enjoying any of it.

happy thoughts happy thoughts happy thoughts happy thoughts

acheyachey

Dont know why but moving is an effort this morning. Knee is still sore and leaking mank which isnt helping.

Rode the FatHorse last night, she was a good girl and poo picked her field. Will finish it off later today. Also had an emergency eyebrow wax last night lol. Can't decide whether I want to ride or not - was meant to be going for a walk-only hack with Sue but she's bailed out on me (not entirely unexpected), and now the thought of schooling makes me want to poke my eyes out and can't really be arsed with hacking on my own. But then, I want to ride before I go away, although I suppose I can Monday at some point and Tuesday morning.

Having my hair done this afternoon, very exciting. Going to GLEE tomorrow, can't really be arsed but never mind. I'm going to go uber early, aim to get there for when it opens and then be done and home by 6pm. Aims and all that. Never driven to Brum before, bit nervous lol.

I'm going to be ill for Iceland, I know it. My head is fuzzy.

Have packed most of the stuff I'm taking. Thought 20kgs would be hard to keep within, but :touchwood: i seem to have kept it under.

As for dieting, exercise etc.... Since I fell over (I;m still so embarrassed) I had 2 rubbish gym sessions, Wednesday I should just not have bothered going. Food has been eaten, a lot of it as well. Yesterdays gym wasnt so bad, could be better but I say that every time and never push myself hard enough. I should really go today or for a run, but as with riding I can't pull myself together enough to go. I've got so lazy :( but I know if I go and dont do it any quicker/better than any previous runs I'll be rubbish. Tomorrow I wont get to go to the gym although depending on when I get back, I might go for a run. I can gym monday and tuesday hopefully.

I cant remember if I put that those bras I got from La Senza on tinterweb didnt fit - I took them back yesterday and was going to get more bras to replace them. Nothing fit :bawling: The only ones that vaguely fit (cupsize) were way too big in the back. I'd forgotten the card I'd paid for them on, so now I have #40 vouchers which i can only spend on pants cos nothing else fits me.

Shockingly this hasnt increased the self loathing, just means I can't stop eating. PLEASE kick back in soon, I'm putting weight on like you would not believe.

Urgh

Stupid manky knee. Got greeny-yellow shit coming out of it...nice.... Still hurts to do the rower, get on and off machines and....stuff. It's only a graze, how can it hurt so much?!

Was meant to be my day off tomorrow, but have to go in - Stu forgot that K had already booked the day off and let V have a days holiday, so I'm doing a half day and not going in at all Tuesday.... Just as well cos I'll be utterly over excited lol.

FatHorse got sedated today to have her legs done. Nicola sedated her, stayed to make sure she was ok, then left and the little shit (Moll, not Nicola) came round seconds after N left. So we twitched her and got her done. I'm so jealous, she has uber skinny legs now. Wish my legs got thin just by shaving. She looks so smart now. Well, her legs do, the rest of her resembles a yeti but I'm not clipping her till I get back from holiday.

Still thinking about yards etc. Is making my head hurt. There is a potential in Otley, which sounds good. No lights on the arena though, but I could ride on a morning, and there are lights in the barn (there arent at current yard). I dont know, am trying not to get too overexcited. Not doing anything till I get back from holiday anyway.

Food has been shit. Gym wasnt so bad as last night, but was painful. Stupid knee. Dont want to go to GLEE on Sunday on my own :( Bah humbug.

Wish I could get back into being good again.

Bah

Self loathing isnt really kicking in as I'd like. Put 1lb on at FatClub yesterday :( I have a sneaking, horrid suspicion it will all kick in while we're away and I'll be too busy being a grumpy arsed bitch to enjoy the holiday and ruin it for the pair of us. Obviously I will try and avoid that.

My knee hurts :( Stupid grazed knee. Why is it always the little things that hurt most?

Rubbish.

So, about that self loathing and hatred...

Can I have it back please?

Went for a run this morning....was both successful and highly unsuccessful.... Successful in that I ran up more hills than Saturday AND it took me a minute or so less (hey, it's less) BUT I also fell over :hugeblush: and have a rubbish ankle that hurts to walk on and a grazed knee which hurts to have clothes on.

FatClub was rubbish, another 1lb on, but instead of channelling the hatred, Chris and I went to the Royalty for tea instead. Was nice, but not as amazing as we like. Still, I have got drunk so i am happy.

Need to ride a FatHorse in the morning - clearly safer than running!!!

There we go!

Self loathing and hatred has kicked in at last, just in time for my holiday. Better late than never I suppose. Hasnt stopped me eating a sandwich, having dessert or hot chocolate though :rolleyes: Have been a dick.

Had a fat scan. Same weight as way back in July.

La Senza shopping arrived, doesnt fit.

Work....I'm not seeing I'm getting into my new office any time soon.

Fat Fighters tomorrow, MUST go. Can't decide what to do, work - QUICK Mol then gym & FF, or swap Mol and FF?

Oh these decisions. And no, I'm still no closer to knowing what to do about yards.

stiff, achey, grumpy....

Pffft, I don't like squat thrusts. I can't move. Well, I can't decide if it's them or the toetap whatsits. I havent done any squat thrusts today, but HAVE done the toetaps and could barely move afterwards. Am very stiff now!!

Gym wasnt as good as it could have been, but did do homework (bar squat thrusts & the planks) and did thin-arms too. So happyish.

FatHorse attempted to tell me she had colic today, but I disbelieved her and tacked up anyway :bitch: Funnily enough, as soon as she realised we werent going in the school/on the normal bridleway ride she forgot about being sick. She was ok on the triangle (was only going to do a short ride in case she WAS sick so made sure was in yelling distance of Steph, Carl and Beth at all times :lol: ). Got back 'home' and she was full of it, so decided to carry on and do the bridleway ride backwards. We had a mini tantrum because I made her go past the track to home, then was tense and ridiculous for a good while after. Then noticed a Discovery coming up (slowly) but there was a little red car tucked right in behind it, looked like it had come up fast, then was jut going to scoot out and overtake as we passed. Turned out it was being towed, but the disco braked which little-red-car obviously wasnt expecting so the tow chain clanked on the floor as we were level with it - FatHorse did the biggest spook ever, then picked herself up by bucking then stopping dead and was clearly trying to decide whether to head for home (but that would involve following The Monster of feck off the way we were headed, so I made her mind up for her by booting her in the ribs and off we went. Somewhat slower than I expected/intended as we now had to spook EVERY step in case there was something else to be concerned about. Got very cross and she got Big Smacks. All this was witnessed by Carls brother - ooops. Was telling him the other day what a good pony she was, and his young daughter was more than welcome to come and tootle about the school on her. Ah well, dont suppose that will happen now LOL.

oooh, I do ache. Will school the little monster tomorrow. Can't decide whether to put spurs on or not. I'm not entirely convinced my legs are stable enough, especially in canter. Need some James Bond style ones, which could be built into my boots and everytime I put my leg on it activated them. I'm insane.

Must go for a run tomorrow, after work. If I can move. Need to stop being a lazy cow. I may be GOING to the gym and getting sweaty, but I dont seem to be progressing very much, if at all.

Been a while....

And not much new to report, as ever.

MUST get back on the wagon with food and exercise, I've let myself become lazy and undisciplined this last week. I have homework from the gym - because I won't do it AT the gym, it's embarrasing - but I did it tonight... Turns out I HATE squat thrusts. They HURT. Only managed half the time I was meant to. And I fell over doing the side planks. Amused Chris by using the cat as a weight for the twistyturny stuff, but she objected so used 2 bottles of vodka instead.

Have moved FatHorses FatCamp, onto the hilly bit next to the arena, so hopefully it wont get so wet/cut up and she can stay out for longer and I wont have to worry about her paws. I'm still undecided about what to do about yards. Technically I have to go up twice a day anyway, but the arena has mostly washed away and what's left is still flooded. Plus there's no indoor lights to muck out in (headtorch needed maybe). I dont know, I really dont. I know I'm better off than some people, but I have been so spoilt by other yards I've been on.

Went shopping today in Hgate. Chris was adament we were buying matching winter jackets, but I managed to customise mine and it ended up being cheaper than his (ha!), so I got some clever thing that can be about a billion different things, but I'm just going to use it as a hat, and hope it doesnt make me itch. Also got some sunglasses (Bloc) and a big handbag which can be used for my hand luggage on the flight :biggrin: Oh and La Senza pants. I've just looked on the site and apparently I fit into their bras. Hmmm....

I'm sure there was something huge I meant to blog about tonight, but buggered if I can remember what the hell it was.

tired and complacent

I'm in 2 minds over whether to go to FatFighters or not tomorrow. This week has been SO BAD food wise it's unreal. I've been a Very Naughty Girl. It's been very tasty though. Self loathing and hatred is starting to kick in again though, which is good. I'm getting far too complacent and lazy. Gym this morning was RUBBISH. Was most amusing when Fanny fell off the treadmill and then we couldnt do anything constructive for laughing too much. I really wish there was cameras in the gym precisely for that reason, it was the funniest thing I've seen in ages.

That doesnt say very much really, does it? :unsure:

FatHorse was a pain in the arse in the school, so just trundled up and down the bridleway quick. I'm trying to decide how long a 'short' Danefield would take on a morning. Minimal roadwork.... Hmmm. It's just getting down the hill, doing it on the bridleway could be a bit treacherous (uneven is not the word) but not sure I fancy being on the road AND downhill at that time? We dont do trotting downhill. Decisions...

Please will someone make up my mind for me?

Because I am obviously incapable of doing it.

Do I stay or I should I go?

In other news....Didnt ride. Wetwetwet. Arena under a foot of water, as is most of the yard. Could have hacked I guess but not really in the mood - :coughhangovercough: DID go swimming though, check me out, on my own too. Did 70 lengths, nearly killed me. Took me hours.

Was meant to be going to see a friends band tonight but instead have stayed in, drunk no alcohol, watched a DVD and done a jigsaw puzzle. Rock n roll. I think I am actually 45.

I lost myself, I cannot speak

go on, take everything, take everything, I want you to...go on, take everything I dare you to. I told you from the start, just how this would end, when I get what I want then I never want it again...

Somehow, other peoples words fit better than my own.

I've been drinking, clearly.

Tired

As ever I thought of lots to blog but I'm tired and can't really be arsed.

Rode the fathorse this morning, she was a pain in the arse. I really am going to have to think about moving yards, seriously. The arena is flooded almost constantly in this weather, I rode in the field this morning but now she's shod we've marked everywhere we went, the hacking is amazing, but the only hackable routes on a morning involve a narrow, fast, busy road. When I'm told she's been done for the night, I'm not convinced she has been....That's not such an issue, because I always go and check her anyway, although I am worried about my holiday. But then I spend time up there and I love it. I love being on a small yard, and being left to get on with things as I want. I just dont know what I want.

Went to yoga last night, got told off for giggling. Come on!! She told us to give our pelvic area a lovely massage, then we had to stroke our inside thighs!! Everyone else must have been made of stone not to have laughed at that.

Work was a bit shit today, although Stu and I found a caterpillar and made him a house with mint, tomatoes and some random bit of tree in a fatballs tub. He's very small though and stu drilled holes in the lid but I think he'll squirm out. In fact, I couldnt find him when we left tonight. I'll get to work tomorrow and he'll have eaten the office ala the very hungry caterpillar.

Food has been shit, we'll not mention that. I think I might attempt swimming over the weekend. Maybe. Gym was good, I think. Managed a minute running (on the flat, natch) at 7.5mph. Did thin arms and some sit ups too.

Tired now, can't decide whether or not to gym before work, or go to the yard. It's rained on and off all day, so can't imagine the school will have dried out any and we're meant to have heavy rain all weekend.

Very excited about going to see Terrorvision again in October :grin: Chris will hate it.

I think I've actually fallen in love with the Juno soundtrack.

Big FatHorse Cobby tantrum

Tried to recreate the lesson this morning - my God do my hands hurt! Had to give up holding onto the breastplate, but tried very hard NOT to slip my reins. Worked to a certain degree, but not as consistent as the lesson. Suppose to be expected really. Was Very Forwards Indeed. No problems falling into a downward transition and canter was...long!! It's the only way to describe it! Having gone from only managing half a long side of canter before falling back into trot to managing 2 circuits is shocking. She tried falling in on the transition into trot from canter, but for the first (and probably only time, ever) I had a contact AND my leg on and she couldnt. Well, obviously, she could, but she clearly wasnt expecting me to be so organised and sending her on, so thats where the tantrum came in. CERTAINLY wasnt expecting me to push her through it (neither was I!!) and after that was a Good Girl. Sulky, but good. I'm still in shock that so many problems seem to have been solved just by picking up (more of) a contact. Even (especially) canter - I would have thought having more of a contact meant that she had more of an excuse/I was stopping her going forwards, but as yet :touchwood: that doesnt seem to have happened.

We went out for a hack yesterday morning, just round the bridleway. Think I might have to rethink the idea of doing that on a morning now the schools are back - it was Busy. She's having a day off tomorrow - me and Fanny are going to the gym in the morning before work, then yoga after work, so between work & yoga I'll go up and muck her out, she needs new shavings in.

Pleased with her today, she was good. My riding is atrocious though. Hands and legs are everywhere, especially in canter.

September measurements

Tuesday September 2nd
L. calf - 17
R. calf - 17.5
L. thigh - 26.5
R. thigh - 26.5
Hips (inc tummy)- 45
top hips (on bellybutton)- 41.5
waist - 36
under boobs - 32
L upper arm - 13.5
R upper arm - 13

Saturday August 2nd
L. calf - 17
R. calf - 17.5
L. thigh - 26.5
R. thigh - 27
Hips (inc tummy)- 45
top hips (on bellybutton)- 44
waist - 35.5
under boobs - 34
L upper arm - 13.5
R upper arm - 13

Meh.

You are always trying to keep it real,

I'm in love with how you feel.... I loveloveLOVE that song, so much. I can't even say why, it just makes me feel all happy.

I've enjoyed this weekend. FatHorse got new shoes (fronts) put on yesterday and her FatCamp made bigger, then we went to BingleyLive...Was fab, Infadels were .... Well.I was kind of disappointed by them cos I love the albums so much, but the first 2 songs both had 'sound issues' and then no one else really seemed that into them. They were good though and I enjoyed it. Chris was a bit bemused I think. I'd rather go see them in a grotty club somewhere I think. The Automatic were better than I thought they would be, the Delays were good and so were Scouting for Girls. Terrorvision were ace, loved them. They're playing in leeds in October, I think we have to go. Band/woman on before Infadels...Emily Bones... Much to Chris' horror, I loved her. Looked for an album (I can imagine her being fun to run to) but just managed to subscribe to some podcast instead. Missed the Happy Mondays cos we were both tired and ready for home (via the pizza-takeaway...hummm) apparently they're rubbish live anyway.

Got up this morning and brought FatHorse in to wash her legs and rest (ahahahaha) before our lesson. Also washed her paws so we looked marginally less like dirty pikeys. Went to the gym after, and had an ok session. Not the best, but not the worst either, by a long shot. Got the key stuck in the locker though, which was foolish. Pat had to come and rescue my clothes. Thankfully it was before I went in, not after I'd showered.

Went into Leeds afterwards. Got a tankini (check me out) from Bravissimo. My belly hangs out the bottom of it though so dunno if I dare wear it :blush: Really need to win the lottery and go spend it all in there. Was measured for this getup, current bras are 36GG...tankini is 32HH. Can't decide if that means they've got bigger or smaller - cup size wise. Went to M&S after and just got a 'normal' costume (for half the price :rolleyes: ) and I think I feel more comfortable in that. Oops. Went into Primark and got some jumpers (still iceland shopping), then looking in New Look and got 2 new tops (1 says Miss Attitude, the other announces 'Here comes Trouble...' and has a picture of little miss trouble on it.

Got home just in time to go up and get the FatHorse for our lesson. Instructor is really nice and we solved the 'falling in issue' in about 30 seconds by getting me to pick up my contact by about a foot. Oops. She had me holding the breastplate where it attaches to the d-rings with my outside hand with my little finger to keep it constant (they hurt like buggery now) and ask with my inside hand for her to soften, on a circle at first, then as she starts to soften to go large. She felt so slow and stuffy to start with, but apparently this is good. Was easier to ride when I got 'it', but I could feel myself getting ahead of her at times. Am to NOT KICK as that makes her shoot her head up. Meant to ask about spurs but I forgot. Whip must be used behind my leg (so basic) and not on her arse. When I got 'it' though, 'it' felt amazing - nice and short and right *there*. Chris tok some pictures and a video... We worked on canter, but didnt really get to work hard on it as FatHorse was knackered. It's going to be REALLY hard to keep my contact on the canter transition cos I feel I'm stopping her by holding so 'tight' but she didnt, in fact we had our longest arena-based canter ever on the left (allegedly our worst) rein... Chris filmed it - you can hear me yell 'GOOD!!' as we make the transition (head isnt pretty, but the transition is nice, rather than running into it) then all the way round you can hear me yelling 'Good! Come on! Weee! GOOD GIRL!!' Oopsy.... Going to book another one when we get back from Iceland. I can't really afford them any more regularly sadly but it was good. Sundays is going to have to be Lesson Day over winter. Pissed it down the whole time, till the end of the lesson, then it stopped. Typical. My hands look like they're all over the place on the video though :S But it was good, I enjoyed it and instructor is nice.

Good weekend.

I'm so ashamed of myself

In so many ways.

Riding this morning... I was tired and rode badly and she just took advantage or I caused her to do it, I'm not entirely sure. Anyway, I inexcusably lost my temper. I fel so awful now :( Ended up giving up any idea of schooling and put the jump up (it was that sort of day - only went up to about 1ft6, if that) and we did that a ew times. Poor pony :( Wish I had the money for regular lessons. I emailed someone today but she's yet to get back to me. Think she'll be too far away though.

Work was rubbish, banking didnt work (I was doing creative-sums), people would ask me questions and I'd totally forget how to SPEAK let alone answer them, Dan fucked me off, he really is a lazy shit (although I can't talk today) and I ended up spending the day surfing t'net and doing fuck all.

Went up to the yard and had to have my picture taken for this jumpathon thing - I look hidious, I'm easily as wide as Steph and Sue put together :(

Went to the gym after, had to put the incline down on the treadmill, to 3 :blush: awful, but did 40seconds on the rower. Cross trainer was ok. Intended to do a mile on the treadmill again when I finished on x trainer, but did 2 minutes and gave up out of pure laziness. I could have done it.

Then I've come home (chris is out), and instead of reheating my vegetables, I've made myself 1 marmite & banana sandwich, 2 slices of toast and honey and had a pack of pink & whites. This is in addition to the toast, cake and biscuits I had at work :'(. I'm am so STUPID, it's no wonder I'm so fat still.

Check me out

With my exercise endorphins...

I had an ok gym session, but came out happy with it. Did treadmill (work - 6% @ 6.5mph on intervals for 15 minutes then ran on until I got to 17minutes (1.55miles), then did rower and x-trainer. Also did stretches but Stretched hard (haha) and managed to get my head on the floor. Was going to do thin arms but got bored, so did 2 x 15 chest press with 15kg and then 2 x 10 ... dunno what you call them, but they're hard and did it with 2kg in each hand. But yeah, came out HAPPY, then someone commented on how I look and I feel a bit rubbish. Why cant I accept a compliment?

Rode a FatHorse this morning, that also went well... The falling in was marginally better, I think. Works well concentrating on me - I am causing it - and the buckets in the corners helped me too. She's been a bit flat recently, so have started giving her some cool mix just to give her a little boost. She is desperate to become an Indoor Pony so might succumb over the weekend. Just a bit worried though that while I'm away she'll just stay in and not leave the stable. Hmmm. Can't decide what to do for the best.

Want to be thin, rich and a good rider :( None of them are looking remotely possible any time soon. Bah. Damn my impatientness.

Only to be expected

But hasnt stopped me feeling rubbish. 2.5lbs on. So far am ok, and have refrained from pigging out on rubbish, although I'm going to have to go to bed soon to make sure I dont. I went for a run this morning, round the bridleways at the yard. It wasnt a good run, I walked a LOT, but still got out of breath and sweaty so I guess that's something. Lunged FatHorse after, no falling in, so must concentrate totally on me tomorrow. Am going to put buckets in the corners to ride round, see if that helps.

Work was rubbish, I was very lazy.

Went to the gym, that was ok. Must start doing resistance again, I've got lazy.

I am upset. I know it was inevitable, but there was the tiniest smidgeon of hope that I could at least have stayed the same, especially with running (badly) and the gym tonight. :(

How much have you lost??

What Have You Lost?

Your weight loss =

1 pound = a Guinea Pig
1.5 pounds = a dozen Krispy Kreme glazed donuts
2 pounds = a rack of baby back ribs
3 pounds = an average human brain
4 pounds = an ostrich egg
5 pounds = a Chihuahua
6 pounds = a human’s skin
7.5 pounds = an average newborn
8 pounds = a human head
10 pounds= chemical additives an American consumes each year
11 pounds = an average housecat
12 pounds = a Bald Eagle
15 pounds = 10 dozen large eggs
16 pounds = a sperm whale’s brain
20 pounds = an automobile tire
23 pounds = amount of pizza an average American eats in a year
24 pounds = a 3-gallon tub of super premium ice cream
25 pounds = an average 2 year old
30 pounds = amount of cheese an average American eats in a year
33 pounds = a cinder block
36 pounds = a mid-size microwave
40 pounds = a 5-gallon bottle of water or an average human leg
44 pounds = an elephant’s heart
50 pounds = a small bale of hay
55 pounds = a 5000 BTU air conditioner
60 pounds = an elephant’s penis (yep, weights more than his heart!)
66 pounds = fats and oils an average American eats in a year
70 pounds = an Irish Setter
77 pounds = a gold brick
80 pounds = the World’s Largest Ball of Tape
90 pounds = a newborn calf
100 pounds = a 2 month old horse
111 pounds = red meat an average American eats in a year
117 pounds = an average fashion model (and she’s 5’11”)
118 pounds = the complete Encyclopedia Britannica
120 pounds = amount of trash you throw away in a month
130 pounds = a newborn giraffe
138 pounds = potatoes an average American eats in a year
140 pounds = refined sugar an average American eats in a year
144 pounds = an average adult woman (and she’s 5’4”)
150 pounds = the complete Oxford English Dictionary
187 pounds = an average adult man
200 pounds = 2 Bloodhounds
235 pounds = Arnold Schwarzenegger
300 pounds = an average football lineman
400 pounds = a Welsh pony

I've lost nearly an average fashion model, and still want to lose an Irish setter.

Look into my tired eyes, see someone you don't recognise

I'm still tired and achey but I've been able to motivate myself a bit more the past couple of days. Thankfully. Even managed a trip to Tesco and made myself go down all the nice food aisles and resisted, check me out. Couldnt quite resist 2 flumps, but fuckit, they're flumps, how pointarific can they be??

Can't decide what to do tomorrow. Rode FatHorse this morning without the gelpad, can't decide if she was better or worse than normal. We really need to work on halting and not marching off because she's bored. Falling in is becomming a proper pain in the arse and we had a big argument over it. I'm going to lunge her tomorrow I think, and go for a run before hand, if I can get myself up in the morning. May gym before FatClub (yes, I'm going) if I'm not dead on my feet by then.

This is all obviously dependant on me getting up. I'm not especially hopeful, I'll be honest.

Food mostly been ok today. Annoyed with myself for losing my temper with the FatHorse.

Positivity can wait

Although I do feel 80% better since I went for a run after work. Went to Golden Acre and somehow managed to get lost. How I have no idea, considering there's a track, but I got lost. Think I did about 2.7miles. Took 33minutes. Walked a LOT, but while I was hating myself earlier, it's the first time I've been for an outside run since before FatHorse kicked me so I should be happy, really. I;ll try and keep telling myself that, but I have a niggly little ... niggle that tells me I *could* have run for longer. And further, my getting lost cut a decent chunk off it. Might do the stable run tomorrow. Or round Danefield perhaps.

My electric fencing keeps getting uber loose, not sure how :S Didnt ride (again). WILL get back on tomorrow. Will get some more schooling ideas. Or go round Danefield. Or the triangle. Am fed up of the poxy bridleway and so is a FatHorse. Arses, can't hack, her toes are still sore. Still, farrier due this week, she's getting front shoes on.

Have stuck to points so far today. Not even tempted by some pasta in my veg curry. Could eat pretty much anything you cared to put in front of me though, still :blush: Tomorrow will be a test, unless I can keep myself out of the house most of the day. I really must have a big sort out and ebay a load of stuff, I desperately need the money now.

Last miserable post. Promise.

Well, I'll try.

So, I am now 14.7lbs (on my scales). So thats three quarters of a stone put on in the last 2.5 weeks. Thats not great, especially as we go on holiday in just over 4 weeks. If I'm super-good I might get to be under 14stone, but I do have to be super good.

I can make a million excuses, the main one at the minute is I have a infuriating cold that just wont develop into a real cold, but at the minute is leaving me snufly, achey and extra tired, which means I can't motivate myself to do anything. This is what pisses me off, I suspect if I could just kick myself up the arse and GO, I'd be able to do it without dying (chest also feels tight), I'd feel better for going and I'd be (hopefully) starting to lose weight again...

Yeah. Today I will eat well, I will do some form of exercise today, whether thats wii fit, a run or riding and I will start losing weight again. Hopefully.

I'm not even entirely sure why I'm blogging this...

I just repeat myself over and over.

We're off to Iceland in 31 (squeee) days. I have not lost even approaching 20lbs, it's looking doubtful I'll be under 14stone now, let alone under 13 like I so desperately wanted to. OK, my knee didnt help, but otherwise all my motivation has gone, I can see me still being like this in December, bitching and whining I havent lost any weight.

I KNOW why I havent lost any, I just dont know where my enthusiasm for gym/dieting/riding/anything has gone. Had to force myself to ride this morning, I rode badly and FatHorse either felt the same way or else she was just being spectacularly ungenuine so we called it a day after about 15 minutes. I'm getting shoes put on her fronts next week, so hopefully will hack out a bit more (ha).

I'm a bit scared as to why enthusiasm has dipped, this is what happened at exactly the same time last year with the gym. Although just recently I've wondered about going swimming again. Unsure as to whether it's cos I'm thinking of Iceland or cos it's hot or what. I'm eating so much rubbish too, I dont know why. I eat it, KNOWING I'm going to regret eating it, but I do it anyway. I never point my food anymore either.

All rubbish. I should be saving money for Iceland - I've saved 60quid so far, and as I need to go holiday shopping (:|) beforehand, that will disappear before we've even left Leeds - cos I'm so porky I need a Bravissimo costume (if they have them in my size :S) which are 50odd quid each.

I'm so tired today, I really can't get myself enthusiastic about anything. If I had a hangover, I'd at least understand why but nothing.

Must stop whinging and start doing stuff and making my blog a much more positive place to be.

Quickly

as I should b getting ready - busy day (hopefully...)

Need to get arse into gear and go down to the gym, then go up and bath a fathorse and dye it pink, before getting yard ready for BBQ tonight.

Also still thinking about New Yards. Fathorse might be settled and happy there, but :dunno: I like it a lot up there, but I'm there cos it's so convenient mainly. I'm not convinced a FatHorse will be looked after the way I want her to be while I'm away so I'm starting to panic about that.

What to do, what to dooooo??

(the answer, in the shortterm is to stop procrastinating and go get dressed and get moving. I'm going to be lucky to be under 14stone now, let alone under 13 :bawling: )

better day

Although Steph and I arranged to do our jumping tonight, so we could just concentrate on the BBQ tomorrow and I completely forgot I was meant to be at Chris' sisters for (another) Body Shop party. Oops.

Jumping was 'ok'. FatHorse was a nappy little bitch and would NOT go forwards at all, until we started jumping then I just had to sit and pray.

Party was also ok...only a couple of people there I didnt know, it was..well, ok. It didnt help I was half an hour late though. Bought some shimmer eye cubes...they looked nice but I'll use them once and then never again and some brushes.

Not a 'bad' food day, but not a great one either, especially as I was intending on going to the gym after jumping so wasnt as good as I could have been. Still, food ban tomorrow, until the BBQ anyway. Going to ferret away a bottle of vodka that only I know about.

Not sure how I'll get the car back though. Might need to go for a head-clearing walk up there Saturday morning lol

Dont know what the hell's happening

*shrug*

I 'slept' in the living room last night then got up to ride t'nag and sort her out, by the time I got to work, everything was completely normal? And he's arranging what we're doing when in Iceland. So I assume it's all good. I'm going gay next I think. Much les hassle, I'm sure.

Riding was fun this morning. We went in the field cos the arena was still under water, I DID thin about going out for a hack, but decided I wasn't quite suicidal just yet - thankfully I think. FatHorse was highly excited about being in the field and we spentmost of the ride (about half an hour) in canter, just bouncing about, totally and utterly overbent, snortysnorty and froth flying everywhere. I didn't jump. Thought about it, then remembered the knee is only just really ok - painkillers work if you up the dose!! - and actually I quite wanted to be alive. So, Friday, I think, I will die. I might try in the arena tomorrow. Might. Chris has just cheerfully informed me it's pissing it down, so I might be hacking out anyway. She's getting front shoes on next week.

Her wellies are rubbish, they've let mud and crap in everywhere, must see how much neoprene costs and see if Sues mum can make me some. Think they'll have to go under her heels though as I think thats where they let most of the crap in. So, that was an amazing waste of #70.

I've added up my work account. I'm hunting for stuff to sell, frantically. It's over 500quid - there's the clippers, the spare blades, the electric fencing, then the reins/breastplate etc. I'm sure I don't need two kidneys, I could ebay one I'm sure.

Gym was good tonight. Did my quick workout - did 15mins on treadmill, 5% incline 6.5mph on the work minutes, did that for 15mins, then rower wasn't too bad. Cross trainer was a bit rubbish but 'ok'. Can't decide whether to gym tomorrow or go running. Will see what Fanny's up to. I got on the scales tonight and I really will be lucky to make it under 14stone, let alone under 13 for Iceland. In fact, the only way I'll get under 13stone is if I suddenly develop dysentry or something. I still think I should be 'happy' if I get to 13.7 but I can't see myself doing it somehow. I still want to try running and swimming in Iceland, either one or the other daily.

So far, we land in Iceland on Tuesday night at (GMT) midnight, so suspect we'll just fall into bed. Wednesday we're going Gulfoss and Geysir, Thursday we're pony-riding and whale watching (if they accept I'm in their weight limit - am yet to find out if they have one. Friday I think we're just going to see what we feel like doing, Saturday I have earmarked for shopping, Sunday we're off to the Blue Lagoon and we come back on Monday.

I feel so shit about how I've behaved towards Nicola. I'm having the same done bakc to me and it's shit, I hate it, and the more it happens the more I keep pushing stuff, which is exactly what she does. I;m such a bitch, have no idea how I can make it up to her :S

That, appears to be that.

I think I am now single again.

Urgh

I feel sick, I disgust myself.

Food ban tomorrow.

RubbishRUBBISH.R.U.B.B.I.S.H.

ARGH, I am so CROSS with myself, I dont think I really want to get thin at all, after all. Why else would I decide that I dont want the tea I've ALREADY MADE and have takeaway-pizza (not even 'healthy' chris pizza) and cheesey garlic bread instead?!?! And not only that I'm having a fatpig dessert too. I'm such a twat, I really do astound myself.

Do I forget that I'm going on holiday in 5 weeks, which requires the wearing of a swimming costume, in front of other people, and, in fact, being naked in front of other people :bawling: I think I'm going to have to stick a picture of The Holy Bible album cover on all the cupboards just to remind myself what I look like.

FUCK.

Work infuriated me too, have been given go ahead to say who I want to take with me when I 'leave', said I'd already chosen so got to tell her this afternoon, and then she told us she was very excited about the opportunity etcetc blahblahblah but she thought her & B might be moving in Feb. I'm so CROSS, I want her and only her and I can't recruit from outside cos otherwise that will REALLY set pigeons lose at work, but no, no, no, I dont WANT anyone else, V & I just understand each other perfectly, we work amazingly together and no one else is good enough. It's not her fault, obviously, it's not anyones fault, but I was so excited about doing this with her. I'm sure something will work out.

I'm so cross with myself, I feel sick now.

Gymmed tonight, didnt ride. Gym was rubbish as well, did my 3 miles but had to keep walking. Will try again tomorrow night. Not going to FatClub. No point, I'll just feel even worse than I do now. Must ride Wednesday night, they're shooting tomorrow evening and as she was wild tonight, I suspect it will be suicidal to try tomorrow with the shooting too. Just hope the school is dry, I have little self preservation at the minute, but even I'm not stupid enough to hack her out after a weeks box rest.

Stupid knee, stupid horse, stupid gym, stupid food, stupid ME, AAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Panicking nice and early:

1. The plane will crash
2. You are legally obliged ( :huh: ) to shower - naked - before getting into pools in Iceland. There are attendants to ensure you do. Not even Christopher gets to see me naked. This is almost enough to make me want to cancel the whole thing.
3. They'll say I'm too heavy for the ponies.
4. I'll see some nice clothes and I won't be able to buy them because they won't fit.
5. The scars on my legs. They're so obvious, both in visibilty and what they are. And like a twat I keep adding to them.
6. EVERYTHING I've read keeps going on about how stunning Icelandic girls are. What if Chris compares us?
7. Luggage gets searched for razorblades etc. Humm.

There was more stuff I was worrying about earlier. Can't remember what it was now.

I reallyreally want to go swimming every day (despite worry *2) and running - I've looked at the map where the B&B is, and the roads APPEAR nice and straightforward. Plus the pool is just down the road from the B&B. And we'll be riding (once) although I can't see that it'll be 'active'.

5 weeks now till we go.

Didnt ride FatHorse today :( They were shooting behind the arena and she was being a dick just in the yard. Decided with no saddle I'd be safer not riding. Going to ride tomorrow eve though, see how the knee holds up and if it's ok will go to the gym.

Jumpathon on Friday. I want to do it but I cant be arsed with the BBQ afterwards. No one I know will be there, Chris will be BBQing and I'll just sit with him and eat rubbish. And get drunk and send many abusive 'you fuckers, you said you'd be here for me' texts. Maybe I'll just leave my phone at home.

crosscrosscross

FoodBan was RUBBISH and I have put on yet more weight today - no exercise (no walking on Danefield for me) and have eaten lots of cheese, and icecream. Obviously not together.

Looks like I am going to have to take out a small mortgage to afford a swimming costume for Iceland...really I need 2, I want to go in the Blue Lagoon and a geyser...on seperate days, plus every website comments on the amount of swimming pools about. I should start swimming again.

I'm so cross with myself, I WAS doing really well and looked like I *might* do the 20lbs before Iceland. Now I only have 5 weeks left to go and it looks like I'll struggle to get to 13.7, let alone below 13 :bawling:

At least though it looks like we can be quite active in Iceland - the roads look fairly straight forward so if the urge arises, I can go for a run, we're going riding and hopefully lots of swimming if I can get my legs and belly out. I say we're going riding, what if they say the horses cant carry me? They're only spindly legged things, not like a FatHorse.

Speaking of said FatHorse, I'm going to get back on her tomorrow. She has porked out something chronic. So it doesnt knacker up my knee much more I'm going to attempt bareback, so lots of schooling in walk. Could be fun, could be insanely boring. Wont attempt trot, I WILL fall off, so will save that for when the knee is better.

What else do I need for Iceland? Going to get my hair done before we go and 2 x swimming costumes. I can't actually imagine I need anything else...

HOW MUCH???

I got on the scales this morning :bawling: So, rubbish eating from Wednesday - yesterday evening and no exercise means I've put on THREE QUARTERS OF A STONE :bawling: :bawling:

Food Ban today :nod: Will see how I feel re the walk round Danefield later, my knee is niggly now and all I've done is the hoovering.

Today is taking so long to get started, didnt roll out of bed till half 10 - what is WRONG with me? I'm never like that.

Starting to think about Iceland stuff in more detail now :biggrin: Being under 13stone for it is clearly never going to happen, so will settle for 13.7lbs and I will not hate myself for it. Just hope none of the ponytrekking have any weight limits :S. What if they make me get on scales? And before you get in any pool (this will include the geysers and the blue lagoon) you legally have to shower naked. NOW I am panicking!!

Got Stuck

I had 2 very bad ideas today. The first one was driving, to be honest. Very painful and interesting getting out of the car when you can't bend your right leg. Wasn't so bad when I was up at the yard - no one could see me. When in town, however, not so inconspicuous. The second ridiculous idea, was taking FatHorse out for some grass. And then accidentally positioning her so I could scramble on. It wasnt pretty, but it was nice to be on her again, bareback. Just mooched round the arena for a bit, then she went and grazed round the yard (it's dry) while I pretended I was cool with that. Really wasnt, but in a headcollar and leadrope and only 1 working leg I didnt have much say in the matter. Am highly thankful that Sue went and shut the field gate, the little bugger was inching over towards it, and I'd have been on the floor in seconds if she'd made it in there. As it was, I got stuck :rolleyes: so had to go back in the arena and 'fall off' to get off her. Hurt like buggery but ok now.

Have to wear a knee support and take some rubbish painkillers. Not much else happened today. Her paw is looking really good, if you ignore the fact the hair round the really manky bits has gone green :unsure:

Rubbish painkillers and knee support though mean that walking is less painful than it was. Am tempted to try a walk tomorrow. A run IS pushing it, but a walk should be ok. Danefield perhaps?

I am turning into Nicola as well. I must be less infuriated with her. Also must look into booking PonyRides in Iceland/Blue Lagoon etc. We have an extra day and a half there now, can't wait!! Must also get back on the diet. Last 2 days I've eaten a weeks worth of points. I darent get on the scales.

Fed up

Am fed up, tired, grumpy and just generally meh.

Havent been into work today cos of the knee, which is still swollen and lumpy, but less hot. Still no bruising though which is upsetting me greatly, I wanted war wounds dammit. Chris came up before and after work to help me do the horses, which was lovely. He did nets and waters and skipped out while I pandered to The Paw. Not sure if it's less sore now or what, but I am allowed to wash it now, with only a couple of attempts at snatching and 'I might kick you, just try it'. Was a case of standing still and holding my breath to see if she would because I cant get out the way quick enough lol. She hasnt (yet) though.

Still can't get over the quantities of ABs she has though.

Hobbled round to the shop this morning and got a load of magazines
and rubbish food, which I ate ALL of, as well as food-from-here-lunch. Obviously no chance of any exercise which has made me feel a bit shit, but I didnt sleep last night either so that's not helping the mood. PLus it takes me 5 minutes to get anywhere at the minute.

Back to work tomorrow - phone is running out of battery so need to go back for my charger if nothing else lol. If I can work, I'll attempt the gym maybe in the evening, but no running :( Even I'll accept I cant do it today. Chris keeps twittering on about minor injuries which is unnecessary. It was fine when I strapped it up, but vetwrap isnt the best for over knees. Might see if I can get a tubigrip or something tomorrow.

silly old horse

little baggage has kicked me when I was trying to sort out her leg this morning. Knee is now less knee-shaped and more fat-balloon-with-an-interesting-extra-lump shaped. Very sore.

And I have man flu.

Nearly bedtime...

I'm so tired, today has been such a long day.

Woke up at 3am, and never went back to sleep, was terrified about what we'd find under FatHorses fluff, so groomed the cat, did some washing, put it away, came on tinternet....

Found my Heiniger clippers yesterday, however sans blades. Plan was I'd ring round local tack shops and buy some (40quid) blades before going up to sort t'nag out. Therein lies my problem - I'd made a PLAN. Nowhere had any blades. I tried everywhere in a 20 mile radius to no avail. So, plan B was to buy a new set of clippers from work, at 220quid. It's gone on my account, along with the electric fencing and I'm Forgetting About It, for now. Still, they are cool. Very light. Tensioning them is a bugger though. So I have a set of brand new (used once!!) Heinigers to sell, once I've found some blades to go with them.

Finished the banking at work and then met Nicola & her boss at yard. Gave FH enough sedative to fell an elephant - Nicola has seen her fight sedation when having legs clipped before - and I started clipping. To be fair, it isnt as much of a mess as we were expecting. She has 3 seperate infection sites though, and her leg is to be washed, dried and redressed 3 times a day and she has a steroid cream to have on too (wonder if it'll improve my gymness?). And she's on a weeks on antibiotics. Only got the one leg clipped, so she looks a bit of a twat at the minute. Her leg is everso swollen though :( she's on box rest for a week. Can't even turn her out in the yard apparently, in case she gets mank in it all. I've ordered some more turnout boots for her and she is to wear them even while being ridden, when I can ride again.

Then had to rush home and get showered and changed (am still allergic to clipper oil by looks of things, 3 showers later I've still got a rash) and down to Bus.Focus for this meeting. Took an hour and a half to decide something that should have taken 20 minutes and not involved the geekycomputer boys already. Still, am shocked at what the budget appears to be, and it looks like I have 18months to turn this into a success. No pressure then. This is including the set up before it all goes live. I'm excited though, I want to get cracking.

BY the time I got to work was dead on my feet, and I'm sure I had a AMTRA mystery shopper in. If she was, I'm fucked, because I was short tempered and gave her the bare minimum of information.

Managed the gym, although I didnt do the fatbusting program, I just went on the treadmill for 35 minutes. Did 3.25miles. Was ok. I swear I walked out asleep. Had lost 1lb at FatClub so I guess it was worth it, although if I'd remembered to take my water in and had had a drink, I'd have put 2lbs on. Must be good this week. I say that, but Chris had bought me some Phish Food to cheer me up tonight. Was good though.

I'm tired now, but I can guarentee I'll get into bed and wake up. Can;t decide how long it will take me to sort The Leg out tomorrow. I can't imagine for a second she'll be as amenable about me dealing with it with no sedation. She was lame when I checked her this afternoon, but I suppose it's to be expected with the scrubbing it got this morning. Need to buy a huge roll of cotton wool and some latex gloves. I got her a stable lick for while she's in. The packaging claims it will last the average horse 3 weeks. I give it an hour with a Fat Horse, judging by her reaction to it.