Am eating rubbish, knowing I'm eating rubbish, but somehow....being unable to stop. Maybe hypnotism is the right idea. I dont know. I know I'm being atwat, but I still do it anyway? WHY??
I run out of patience with myself, it's ridiculous
Saturday 5 July 2008
I slept
Could have slept for longer, but Chris forgot to reset the alarm.... Bah. Am now sat here trying to work up energy to go up, sort t'nags out and come back and do some much needed tidying. I should ebay a shit load of stuff, but I think a car boot might be easier. I would suggest it to Christopher, but I know if he came we'd come back with more shit than we went with.
Raining this morning, FatHorse might get another day off :lazy: Have booked a week off work the week after next, just to do fuck all apart from ride and go to the gym to get thin. How sad am I? Whats worse is I can't actually wait. Still got 3 weeks of holiday to take though before the end of November. Technically it works out as a week off a month (already got a week booked for Iceland in September) but realistically I cant do that until someone else does their amtra. Might have another week off in August before madam goes on mat. leave, one in October and ask if I can possibly be paid for the rest.
I dont really know what to do at the minute. I genuinely feel like I'm cracking up at times, *I* am a mess at the minute and despite what I assure chris, it *will* scar. It hurts to walk (think thats part of the reason I was so miserable at work yesterday)and I hate being sad all the time. I cant really describe it at the minute and I'm frustrating myself. It's rubbish. Need to go patapony.
Raining this morning, FatHorse might get another day off :lazy: Have booked a week off work the week after next, just to do fuck all apart from ride and go to the gym to get thin. How sad am I? Whats worse is I can't actually wait. Still got 3 weeks of holiday to take though before the end of November. Technically it works out as a week off a month (already got a week booked for Iceland in September) but realistically I cant do that until someone else does their amtra. Might have another week off in August before madam goes on mat. leave, one in October and ask if I can possibly be paid for the rest.
I dont really know what to do at the minute. I genuinely feel like I'm cracking up at times, *I* am a mess at the minute and despite what I assure chris, it *will* scar. It hurts to walk (think thats part of the reason I was so miserable at work yesterday)and I hate being sad all the time. I cant really describe it at the minute and I'm frustrating myself. It's rubbish. Need to go patapony.
Friday 4 July 2008
funny day
funny weird, not funny haha.
Got up ridiculously early, after minimal sleep, went up, did the horses and was in the gym by 7am. check me out, for the first time ever, I ran a mile in under 10minuts - 9.40m. Did 2.3m in 25minutes, *think* I did the 2 miles in 21 minutes, I cant remember now. Rower and cross trainer were rubbish, but I'm pleased, kind of with the running. Wish I'd carried on till 3 miles though and not done the x-trainer.
Got to work and was fine, good, even (well, discounting the gym) till midday and then I just slumped, had a cracking headache and generally felt shit, really thought I had a migraine starting. Turns out I was just being a lazy shit cos I was fine by half 4. Meant to ride tonight, but decided as I was knackered I couldnt be arsed to do anything but hack and as I have no one to hack with I couldnt be arsed with the (admittedly minor) tantrums I have to deal with. So she got a pat and that was it. Laxy bitch I am.
Wide awake now. Stu, god love him, put the phones on quiet and locked the door so I could get some sleep.
Got up ridiculously early, after minimal sleep, went up, did the horses and was in the gym by 7am. check me out, for the first time ever, I ran a mile in under 10minuts - 9.40m. Did 2.3m in 25minutes, *think* I did the 2 miles in 21 minutes, I cant remember now. Rower and cross trainer were rubbish, but I'm pleased, kind of with the running. Wish I'd carried on till 3 miles though and not done the x-trainer.
Got to work and was fine, good, even (well, discounting the gym) till midday and then I just slumped, had a cracking headache and generally felt shit, really thought I had a migraine starting. Turns out I was just being a lazy shit cos I was fine by half 4. Meant to ride tonight, but decided as I was knackered I couldnt be arsed to do anything but hack and as I have no one to hack with I couldnt be arsed with the (admittedly minor) tantrums I have to deal with. So she got a pat and that was it. Laxy bitch I am.
Wide awake now. Stu, god love him, put the phones on quiet and locked the door so I could get some sleep.
Thursday 3 July 2008
78 Stone Wobble
Presentation tonight, Chris did it. Didnt finish till half 8 so no chance of getting to the gym/going for a run/walk/whatever. The next obvious choice would be Nell or Wii Fit, no? No. I ate 2 whippy things and made my lunch for tomorrow instead. I've been so Good, right up till tonight, the longest for AGES. CROSS CROSS CROSS.
Had my jacket potato etc managed to resist 'sharing' everyone elses chips and pizza, but in order to do that had to sit on my own and ignore everyone. I was nearly in tears doing it, how bad is that? I got in such an arse.
Going to go to the gym before work tomorrow, go up and get horses out super-early, then gym, then work and ride afterwards, maybe go for a nice hack. She was a good girl this morning, but I only rode for 20minutes - she was so good this morning it was pointless doing anything more, she did everything I asked, when I asked, where I asked. Even had a fab gallop which really set me up for the day, I was in such a good mood when I got to work.
So cross with myself. I'd been so good. Pathetic.
Had my jacket potato etc managed to resist 'sharing' everyone elses chips and pizza, but in order to do that had to sit on my own and ignore everyone. I was nearly in tears doing it, how bad is that? I got in such an arse.
Going to go to the gym before work tomorrow, go up and get horses out super-early, then gym, then work and ride afterwards, maybe go for a nice hack. She was a good girl this morning, but I only rode for 20minutes - she was so good this morning it was pointless doing anything more, she did everything I asked, when I asked, where I asked. Even had a fab gallop which really set me up for the day, I was in such a good mood when I got to work.
So cross with myself. I'd been so good. Pathetic.
Wednesday 2 July 2008
July measurements
I know, I said I wouldnt do them, but I'm lunging this morning, I should have some more time. And if not...then neither Stu or JB are due in today. So not the right attitude.
Wednesday July 2nd
L. calf - 17
R. calf - 17.5
L. thigh - 27
R. thigh - 27
Hips (inc tummy)- 46
top hips (on bellybutton)- 43
waist - 37
under boobs - 32
L upper arm - 14
R upper arm - 13
Tuesday June 03rd
L. calf - 17
R. calf - 17
L. thigh - 27.5
R. thigh - 27.5
Hips (inc tummy)- 47
top hips (on bellybutton)- 43
waist - 37
under boobs - 35
L upper arm - 14
R upper arm - 14
4.5inches this month. How the fuck is my left arm an inch thinner than my right?
Wednesday July 2nd
L. calf - 17
R. calf - 17.5
L. thigh - 27
R. thigh - 27
Hips (inc tummy)- 46
top hips (on bellybutton)- 43
waist - 37
under boobs - 32
L upper arm - 14
R upper arm - 13
Tuesday June 03rd
L. calf - 17
R. calf - 17
L. thigh - 27.5
R. thigh - 27.5
Hips (inc tummy)- 47
top hips (on bellybutton)- 43
waist - 37
under boobs - 35
L upper arm - 14
R upper arm - 14
4.5inches this month. How the fuck is my left arm an inch thinner than my right?
Tuesday 1 July 2008
A rubbish day
So many reasons, but it didnt start hugely well when FatHorse was a total witch to ride this morning. Couldnt ride one side of her and she took utter advantage. Took her in the field to try and get some semblence of forwardsness and, fuck me, we got forwards. We didnt have so much of straightness, braking or sensibleness, but I suppose I only went in there with 'forwards' in mind. I'm going to lunge in there tomorrow and then on Thursday, we'll go back in, but I'll remember to think 'forwards, straight, sensible and brakes' as well.
Work wasnt too bad. I was lazy though and couldnt get motivated. I need to really kick myself up the arse tomorrow. It should not take all day to do the banking, put one new thing on the system and phone an order through. I reallyreally dont deserve my payrise.
Then FatClub, I've lost 1lb apparently, but I wasnt wearing my hoodie, so there's my pound thats gone. Didnt stay for meeting, really wasnt in frame of mind. Came home in a foul, horrid mood. Announced I wasnt eating tea, which I havent, but I had cereal, a whippy bar and some ham and cheese :rolleyes: So much for the food ban.
MUST sort myself out tomorrow. It's horrible. Loved the whippy bar but its still coating my mouth now and it's not good. My thighs I swear have got wider as well. Technically I should have done some measurements this morning. I'll do them saturday, I have little enough time in the morning as it is.
Nicola coming round tomorrow. Joy.
Work wasnt too bad. I was lazy though and couldnt get motivated. I need to really kick myself up the arse tomorrow. It should not take all day to do the banking, put one new thing on the system and phone an order through. I reallyreally dont deserve my payrise.
Then FatClub, I've lost 1lb apparently, but I wasnt wearing my hoodie, so there's my pound thats gone. Didnt stay for meeting, really wasnt in frame of mind. Came home in a foul, horrid mood. Announced I wasnt eating tea, which I havent, but I had cereal, a whippy bar and some ham and cheese :rolleyes: So much for the food ban.
MUST sort myself out tomorrow. It's horrible. Loved the whippy bar but its still coating my mouth now and it's not good. My thighs I swear have got wider as well. Technically I should have done some measurements this morning. I'll do them saturday, I have little enough time in the morning as it is.
Nicola coming round tomorrow. Joy.
WWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH
I'm not looking forward to FatClub tonight, I WILL have put on weight. I KNEW I shouldnt have gone to the body shop party last night...there was wine, wagon wheels, sweets, chocolate biscuits and dips.
FatHorse was a good girl yesterday morning, we even did some jumping, check us out. This morning will be Boring Schooling only though, I am Tired and she was, umm, speedy, into the jumps, resulting in some uncomfortable jumping.
Work wasnt too bad yesterday, bit boring as spent the whole day putting new things onto stock, today could be interesting. I want to get out in the shop and do some stocking up (leaves staff to get on with stuff I'd rather they were doing/I might lose a bit more weight before FatClub) but owner is coming down to go through thursday nights presentation, so I dont know if I'll get chance.
Oh, yeah, Thursday night. No exercise and Bad Food. I'm not looking forward to it, quite apart from the presentation. Bah.
FatHorse was a good girl yesterday morning, we even did some jumping, check us out. This morning will be Boring Schooling only though, I am Tired and she was, umm, speedy, into the jumps, resulting in some uncomfortable jumping.
Work wasnt too bad yesterday, bit boring as spent the whole day putting new things onto stock, today could be interesting. I want to get out in the shop and do some stocking up (leaves staff to get on with stuff I'd rather they were doing/I might lose a bit more weight before FatClub) but owner is coming down to go through thursday nights presentation, so I dont know if I'll get chance.
Oh, yeah, Thursday night. No exercise and Bad Food. I'm not looking forward to it, quite apart from the presentation. Bah.
Sunday 29 June 2008
From Despair to Where?
Upwards, hopefully. I'm very tired this week, can't decide if its due to being unused to getting up so early and DOING stuff again or what, but I'm fed up of it and would like to just sleep for 2 days and be fine again.
Went into Harrogate yesterday, got LOADS of books (incredibly happy), lots of bath stuff (happy) and some pj sets from La Senza. All of which look rubbish, which made me rubbish. And I got caught as well to reaction to which, tbh, made me more rubbish. Still, the books are great. When the extension is done, I think we just have to have one room with a great big comfy sofa in, and just full of book shelves... I'd love it.
Have ridden FatHorse this morning, I was pleased with her, although she was bloody heavy on my hands and I've blistered a bit. Was going to do some more jumping, but they started clay pigeon shooting again but literally RIGHT behind us. Didnt want to die today, so we just did a bit of walk and trot. She was so tense today. Didnt help that they started as I was running through P18 and was just doing FWLR. She went off that fast I was nearly left sat on my arse. I might ride later, will see how I feel, although she'll be furious and probably ditch me in retaliation. Fat Camp is looking veryvery bare now... Will give it another week I think and pull it out a bit. She's lost weight anyway.
I havent however. Why the hell not, I've done loads of running. Not fair. Hopefully I'll still have lost on Tuesday night, but...meh. I KNOW I can't lose 6lbs every week, but how cool would it be if I could?
Must be a good girl and go to the gym too today. Knees are a bit sore though so running might be crap. Have to do horses in the morning, but do I ride? Hmm. I fancy hacking out but I'm bored of the square now, Danefield will take too long and the other way, there's just too much fast traffic at that time of the morning, it's not worth it.
Right. Must motivate myself to do something productive, such as washing up, rather than sitting here, stroking the cat. I might go read my book.
I want a zoo.
Went into Harrogate yesterday, got LOADS of books (incredibly happy), lots of bath stuff (happy) and some pj sets from La Senza. All of which look rubbish, which made me rubbish. And I got caught as well to reaction to which, tbh, made me more rubbish. Still, the books are great. When the extension is done, I think we just have to have one room with a great big comfy sofa in, and just full of book shelves... I'd love it.
Have ridden FatHorse this morning, I was pleased with her, although she was bloody heavy on my hands and I've blistered a bit. Was going to do some more jumping, but they started clay pigeon shooting again but literally RIGHT behind us. Didnt want to die today, so we just did a bit of walk and trot. She was so tense today. Didnt help that they started as I was running through P18 and was just doing FWLR. She went off that fast I was nearly left sat on my arse. I might ride later, will see how I feel, although she'll be furious and probably ditch me in retaliation. Fat Camp is looking veryvery bare now... Will give it another week I think and pull it out a bit. She's lost weight anyway.
I havent however. Why the hell not, I've done loads of running. Not fair. Hopefully I'll still have lost on Tuesday night, but...meh. I KNOW I can't lose 6lbs every week, but how cool would it be if I could?
Must be a good girl and go to the gym too today. Knees are a bit sore though so running might be crap. Have to do horses in the morning, but do I ride? Hmm. I fancy hacking out but I'm bored of the square now, Danefield will take too long and the other way, there's just too much fast traffic at that time of the morning, it's not worth it.
Right. Must motivate myself to do something productive, such as washing up, rather than sitting here, stroking the cat. I might go read my book.
I want a zoo.
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