still being stupid

Today started out such a good day. I refrained from chips, and other yummy town-related treats. I refused to go to Sainsburys on the way home on the grounds that I'd be too tempted by yumminess from there. So I went to the shop instead. Drove, didn't walk. Bought 2 creme eggs. One ostensibly for Christopher. Only I ate them both. Then ate 4 (I think, could have been 6) laughing cow light triangles. And half a Thorntons fudge bar. And a hot chocolate. So far I have managed to resist the yogurt and nutella. I did not go to the gym. I had a utter hissy fit at work and was depressed for the afternoon, really wasn't feeling the gym love. Obviously wish I'd gone now though. Keep thinking about doing some crunches, but not actually doing them.

So. Tomorrows plan. I will get up, go to the gym (I'm not riding, it's Friday 13th)and have an amazing workout. Then, I will go to work and remain on food ban till at least 1pm. After work, I will go see the horse, pat her and tell her how pretty she is, then go to the pool and swim for 45minutes. Then I will come home, shower, eat my vegetables and then go see Waynes band play.

Rode this morning. She was a bit of a dickhead, really. Trot was 100000miles an hour with her head in the air, until I started sitting trot and she was much MUCH better. Odd. Still, I have a lesson on Saturday with YO. Will either be amazing or rubbish.

I am finding lots of pictures of people I want to look like to look at when I want fatfood. And things I want, such as nice riding boots, nice clothes, nice things... On Saturday I will get up early and go for a run, before my lesson/town wakes up. Sunday I'm going to the gym. Then Monday morning I will gym...Maybe run in the eve.... I MUST get back into exercising. It's no wonder I'm not losing weight.

silly again

Filling done, all dentistry FINITO :squeee: and there is No Pain, I can move my mouth normally, it's all good. Unfortunately this means I have eaten, lots, today. I did go swimming this morning though and did 50 lengths, which I admit is rubbish, but I haven't swum since Iceland.

Rode this aft, I am a rubbish rider, I really am :( I got run away with in trot as well, that was embarrassing. Right after saying she was perfect for confidence giving (disclaimer: in the school). Oh well.

i would say I'd be good tomorrow, but we're off out with Nicola, which I assume means takeaway.

Going to ride in the morning & gym in evening. I am. Must.

Silly

Was having A Very Good Food Day, but have just spoilt it by having a 'secret' (ie, unpointed :nono: :bad: ) peice of salami & laughing cow, then a slice of Pie D'Angloys. Then 1 hot chocolate and 6 pinks and whites :rolleyes: (those I've pointed...) Still. Tomorrow I don't know when I'll get to eat anything (dentist at 10.20) so maybe it'll be ok. I'm going to go swimming in the morning too, before my appointment. My mouth will be too numb to go afterwards and then too painful when that has worn off. It's the aim anyway. I might not wake up in time yet.

Gym was good this morning, didn't do the stepper though, did 5 x 30 seconds on a 15% incline at 5.5mph instead. Stepper probably would have been more...whats the word...beneficial, but I wanted the rests :lazy:

I'm cross with myself now for having the pink & whites. I knew before I got the packet out I didn't really want them, but got them anyway. Stupid. Didn't enjoy them either.

Unacceptable.

I got on the scales at the gym this morning - back to 15stone AGAIN. This is ridiculous. I must must MUSt get back into things again.

I met with Andy on Thursday night. Dear God did it prove I was rightrightright to get out of that. He is the most depressive man I have ever met. He hasn't changed a bit, in either outlook or appearance. He managed to turn it into a bad thing that I'd lost weight and was most put out I had a nice car. There were a few little snidey asides about that. Anyway, he has the divorce papers and needs to send them to the courts, so hopefully I'll get them to sign in a few weeks and I can draw a line under the whole thing. Still, it meant I ended up here, but I do wonder now just how much I could have done without him? Whatever, what is done, is done. There is no point bitching about what I could have done. If it was meant to be, I would have done it.

Am hating the snow, it's brought everything to a standstill almost. Can't ride cos the school is under 6 inches of school and the bridleway is a sheet of ice. I did lead her down yesterday so I could go in the indoor but it was dicey and I do wish I hadn't done it. Can't get my car up the bridleway either. I was going to attempt it tomorrow, but it's snowing AGAIN now.

Back in the gym tomorrow. This week coming I am going to aim to go 5 times. I probably won't go Tuesday cos I have the dentist (last appointment!) and I don't tend to go on a Saturday. I don't know why not, I just don't. Maybe I should. I just don't feel the gym-love on a Saturday. Going to go before work tomorrow if we're not snowed in, and see Mollymol in the evening. She's bored of the snow now too.

Ooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwww

I do not like root canals.

Had my sore-tooth finished off today. Is still painful now but that's to be expected. The actual thing wasn't too bad, I guess (only needed one injection, check me out)until he put the filling in and I nearly went through the roof - apparently its cos it was warm I felt it more or something. Whatever, it hurt. So, that was a surprise, getting a missed call then calling it back and them saying can you come in NOW? Errr... Well, I spose I didnt get chance to get overly nervous beforehand. One more appointment and it's all finished :banana: Just need to decide what I want doing with that bottom broken tooth now. Have it out and be gappy (cannot afford implants, I've looked!!) or try (another) filling. I have a couple of weeks to think anyway. Technically I suppose I've paid for the filling already.

Rode this morning, FatHorse was A Very Good Pony. Was very pleased with her. Hacked down to the bottom school in half-light (7.20pm) so she didn't really walk out on the way down cos it was a bit dark, was ok when we got to the school though. She was a bit tense when the planes came over again, but didn't spin or anything today. Had 2 tiny canters but that knackered the trot a bit. I must work harder on getting her quicker off my leg. Meant to put spurs on this morning but I forgot. Will reread my 101 schooling exercises book a bit tonight, inspiration was lacking somewhat this morning really.

Tomorrow I must go to the gym and get thin. Must. I was going to go tonight by my mouth kept throbbing when I moved so I decided I wouldnt bother. Lazy arse.

I want thin thighs....

Well, I want thin everything, obviously, but I especially hate my thunderythighs today. Although, when I was at the gym I did think they weren't as porky looking as they WERE, I must measure on 1st Feb - can't remember if I did any measurements on 1st Jan.

Anyway, tomorrows weigh in will be a bit bollocks now, I've just troughed an entire days worth of food in about half an hour and had wine. So cross now about that.

Have been to the gym, did new program, it's good, I like it. Do the stepper too in an attempt to get thinthighs. It's all good. Was a bit silly beforehand but honestly I do workout better when I do it, it's odd.

Went and rode straight after the gym and I probably shouldnt have done, I didn't ride overly well. She was a bit silly anyway and there were a few planes coming into land very low and she arsed about, spinning and the like everytime they did, stupid arse. She was very quiet tonight though when I went back up, bit grumpy. I've knocked her down to one feed a day now, she's getting decidedly porky and I dont think she's impressed. Still, I suppose I get shitty when I'm not allowed food.

Have it in mind to ride in the morning, but am kind of bored of schooling, at least until maybe after our lesson, I dont really know what to work on. I know she knows how to work in an outline and she's just being argumentative with me, but I don't know what to dooooo. I'm certainly not improving her at the moment. But it's still a bit dark to hack before work....

Still thinking about dental implants. Must win lottery.

Must not get complacent....

I was thinking today, as I bought the second packet of Hobnobs this week, that just because I *only* have 4 stone left to lose and in the grand scheme of things of what I have lost etcetc it's not an awful lot more, I have definately started to rest a bit on my laurels.

Must not do this. Although, as predicted I did not go to the gym today and I have not been for a run. I did ride for an hour though. Was in a t shirt by the end of it. Apparently Stinks and I are going to do some dressage. Hmmm.

More thoughts

Gym review tonight, was good... Harder work than I have been doing, now doing the stepper as well which is good, I'm assured thinthighs by doing that. So, thats good. Pleased I went, especially as I really didnt feel like it before I went in. Might go tomorrow, probably won't.... You know me.

Been thinking about my teeth....well, the sore one. As it still hurts, despite the abs etc, he DID warn me it might have to come out anyway, but it was my decision as it was at the front....So I chose the root canal, but, like I say, it still hurts. So...it comes out? I've been looking at prices at implants. They're expensive. I might put up with the tooth ache.

Vegetables for tea, I will be thin.

Hopes, plans and such like.

Right, I think I am lacking some focus.

Weight: I would like to be sub 14stone (again :rolleyes: ) by February 28th. This gives me 5 weeks to acheive that. SHOULD be doable. Should.

Debt: I would like to have my credit card paid off (again :rolleyes: ) by January 30th. I should do it, I don't THINK I have any huge bills going out, having said that I haven't opened my phone bill yet. So, credit card paid off...then can start on work account and then building Mollys account back up. Again :rolleyes: Although I appear to be having a lesson with V next week now (not entirely sure how much that will be...) and Mollys feet are due 10th February.

So. Those are the hopes.

Plans? They sort of amount to the same, essentially, get thin and debt free. I have my money pot to break at some point...God knows how much is in it, it's only half full, but I did go through a stage of sticking £5/10 notes in it. Clearly this was before Mol came home. I've just had a poke about in it but it is still defiantly only half full. I've bene thinking and I could possibly stand to ebay a couple of rugs....a numnah....a hackamore....horsewise anyway. I still have a shit load of videos and books and clothes I need to get rid of, clear some space. The idea of a car boot is still tempting, but it is the potential to be a lot of hassle for about £60. I need to pay for the rugs to be cleaned and potentially repaired too though, which is irritating. Maybe I should hang onto them till September, when both card & work account SHOULD be clear, and do it then?

I need to hang onto the feeling I had yesterday when I FELT so skinny and my clothes felt loose etc...I miss that feeling and I want it back. January is such a rubbish month. I think I'm going to try and keep this month to NOT putting weight back on, NOT accumulating more debt and then make a more concerted effort in February as the days get longer still and everythings a bit less of a hassle.

I want to ride more, but I hate the top yard school with the biggest passion in the world and it's still too dark to hack in the mornings before work. I can't wait till there's space on the bottom yard so I can ride either before or after work - lights, nice arena etc... I think if I get to the yard for 6.45 I'll have time to ride down and use the school before work...Depends on the light really I guess although there's no real road work, just the potential of her being a shit head on the way down there. Tam has suggested we start running on a Monday evening again so that will be good if we do. Sometimes I like to run alone, but I DO like the competitiveness of running with other people too.

This time next year, I will be thin, I'll be divorced, the house will be finished, I will be having oodles of fun with a FatHorse and I will NOT be in debt.

2010... My absolute limit. If I'm not there then, I never will do it.

Hmmm

I think I'm going to ring the dentist in the morning and ask to stop taking the new antibiotics - I've been sick all day and its only now I've managed to keep 2 sandwiches and a hot chocolate down. Am tired, didn't sleep much last night either.

Spending the day puking has meant I have acheived precisely nothing at work and didnt go to the gym either.

Poorly-sick

Just woken up after a mammoth sleep session - antibiotics for mouth set off a(nother) migraine which kicked in yesterday morning. Am just about human again now, just tired & drained and feel a bit pukey. Nice.

Not seen pony or gymmed, too poorly sick. Don't suppose pony or gym care but wish I'd been capable of doing both.

Still tired. Got my gym stuff ready for tomorrow. Dunno if I'll manage it though. Still, anything is better than nothing.

My legs will ache tomorrow!

To be fair they'd started aching yesterday after riding, but today I've gymmed and ridden. GYm wasn't bad, treadmill: rest - 4mph/0% incline/60s, work - 6.5mph/4% incline/60s. Did that to 15mins then put the incline to 0% when the work minutes came up and just ran till 1.6miles. Rower did 5 x 500metres with 30s rest. Had a 'quick break' of 180 situps then did my normal cross trainer. I've been thinking though, as much as I hate incline running, my abs ached after I ran on the 15% incline for 30seconds each time, so maybe I should do it a bit more often. Dunno, but I'm enjoying pushing myself again, rather than being happy with the bare minimum. This is a good thing, I think. I hope so anyway.

Took Stinks down to the bottom yard to use their school - it's cut into the hill so you don't get blown by the wind so much as on the top yard school. She was a little bugger to start with, the slightest touch was an excuse to scoot off, then when I asked her to actually work, we had big shakey head tantrums and stampy feet. Didn't get much nice work from her, but I'm happy with what I did get. Took a good 45mins to get it, but we did get there.

Now I've collapsed in front of the computer, and eaten a big bacon & cheese sandwich and 2 apricot brioche cakes. Tea is roast pork, yorkshire puddings, potatoes and vegetables.... Curry again tomorrow night and i will rejoin fat club tomorrow, think my subs have run out now.

Gym in the morning or attempt to ride? Hmmm.

Instead of just SAYING it....

I should actually DO it.

I WILL stop eating rubbish. I WILL do more exercise. I WILL lose weight.

Starts tonight, obviously, having had 2 ham & cheese sandwiches for lunch and the remains of a packet of hobnobs (non-chocolatey, I checked the calories yesterday, the choc adds another 40calories per biscuit). It's vegetables for tea though, so not a total disaster. Hmmm. Was 14.11 on Monday, am tempted to get on scales tonight/tomorrow for a sneaky peak but I must be good and not look till Monday. Hmm. I'll try. I havent been to the gym today (I was going to write yet at the end of that, but I've just realised it shuts in 35minutes), but I MIGHT go for a run after dark. Possibly.

Have ridden today though, she was mostly good although I utterly misjudged the weather. Assumed as it started off grotty it would stay grotty, but noooo, it pissed it down while I was riding and Stinks was a bit numb (cobs don't do working in rain...) and was windy but as we were in the bottom school it wasnt that bad. Finished and it's been a lovely day since then - I've even put her washing out on the line. Saw the dentists girlfriend and as she's been told she can't ride for another 3 months I've offered Stinks to her if she wants to ride at all. She's said she'll ask if she can have some lessons on her as she's utterly lost her confidence. Said Stinks'd be fine if she stayed in the school. If she does ride her, I hope to god she (stinks) behaves....

Gales forecast for tonight :S is already windy down here, god knows what it will be like at the yard. Gale force already I suspect.Have cleaned my tack today, properly stripped it down etc so itwill be foul for the next few days to grubby it all up again.

TAM has asked if I want to start running with them again on a Monday night. I've said yes. Don't think we're starting this monday though.

Oooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuchhhhhhhhhhh

I have self diagnosed an absess in the tooth next to the one that had the mammoth filling last month. Tis currently agony although I confidentally expect it won't hurt at all tomorrow until I've left the dentist.

Drs is going to be a bit pointless. I've come on. Ick, but will put Chris' mind at rest (and mine, now I know she WON'T be fiddling). Killer gym program tomorrow. Half looking forward to it, half dreading the after effects. Was going to see if I could do it today instead, but didnt see Jen at the gym although apparently i ignored her driving by in her car. Completely didn't see OR hear (she shouted) her. Oops.

Managed to cut my little finger open this afternoon on some glass, right where it bends so it won't properly heal. That's sore too. Generally being a bit miserable today.

Rode this morning, first time in fucking ages. Used the top school, she was a tit. Well, she wasnt but she doesnt like it and goes like a bag of nails and I forget how to ride. One of the other liveries has had some horrific luck with her horse...trying to decide whether to offer her stinks to ride occasionally if she wants. Hmmm.

Hmmm

So, 4 gym sessions in 4 days. And I have worked hard in them. Sweated and out of breath and everything. Tongiht I have Friday Feeling and have had wine & ice cream as well as flapjack and sandwich at lunch. Oh well. Doing Killer Program on Friday morning. I am going to die...

Oh well, I'll be muscly. I think I might try and do Killer Program once a week if I can, then 2/3 'gentler' programs. I am currently being held up high as Queen Gym Goer by some of the other gym goers who saw me getting my program... I'm enjoying it. I want it all the time. I want to be the thinnest, best person :nod: Not sure I'll manage it thanks to my addiction to food in general, but I'll try. I'm not doing so good on the whole running outside thing though. Only done it once this month, might not make my target.

Don't get too excited, but I think I'm rediscovering how much I enjoy the gym... I need to get obsessed again, just for 6 months.

What do I do when I'm thin? What do thin people do? Do they just sit and admire how fab they look? What happens then?

Nearly good

:rolleyes: Must try harder.

Was going so well, even went to the gym again tonight, but watched an advert while I was there about creme eggs which OBVIOUSLY meant I wanted one, so went to the shop on the way home. They didnt have any so I got me some munchies and chris some twisty thing. And had hot chocolate. But I went to the gym. That's 3 times in 3 days. That's more than I've been in the last 3 weeks. I hope there's some decrease in me by Monday....I don't feel as bloated as I have done, but I LOOK fat still (I know what I mean) but the unbloated feeling could just be smugness that I'm (attempting - badly) to eat less... Who knows.

Gym tomorrow, maybe Thursday and definately Friday (as part of my FoodBan day)...Plan is Drs, gym, horse, bath, dentist, horse so no time to be distracted by food. Won't work, but the thought is there.

Bit concerned about Drs, not exactly dignified.

Chris went for a meeting with work owners today. Got given a pat on the head and told we're great. Thanks...I'd rather have had a cash thank you....untaxed.... *sigh*

Can't decide whether to have a lie in tomorrow or ride. I'd like to ride, but Chris isnt working so I feel a bit bad setting the alarm for 6am. I can ride Thursday i guess.

Come on, you fat bitch

Get with it.

I have put back on a shocking amount in a horribly short time. I no longer weigh less than Danny :bawling: - I think it's that alone that has spurred me back on. Actually, it's that and Vickie wanting to start running and going to the gym. I want to be the best at getting thin - I'm such a spoilt brat it's unreal.

Anyway. Today was going to be a Good Day. I'd eaten all the Christmas Chocolate and wasn't intending on having anything extra - had vegetables for tea. However I noticed I had half a pack of Doritos left so I finished them in a sandwich, had a hot chocolate and just had a nutella yogurt. BUT! I went to the gym and nearly killed myself so it's ok. It's rubbish how long it takes to build fitness up then lose it so quick.

Friday am going to Drs in the morning to be checked after us finding Chris' lump. I'm really not looking forwards to that. Then I must gym and I have the dentist as well in the afternoon. Would like to ride at some point, havent ridden for ages and doubt I will as it's got wet again. Shame I don't really have time to ride down to the bottom arena on a morning. Hopefully there'll be space there soon.

TOMORROW will be a good food day. There is nothing nice to pick on left in the house. I've checked.

It's actually so simple,

But why can't I do it?

Eat less (chocolate/crisps), exercise (more). Simple, huh? Evidently not, because I have just opened the last tin of Quality Street and have eaten probably a third of the tin. My teeth hurt now though - this is good, maybe it will stop me.

V has decided she wants to lose weight and go to the gym. So I said I'd go running wiht her Monday night after my Drs appt. She won't come, but I'll go. She's also said she'll come to the gym with me on Thursday but I suspect she won't. Hope she does though, it sounds awful but I hope it will reawaken my competitiveness and spur me on into doing stuff again.

Wednesday night I had a review with Pat. Was good - treadmill 15% incline, 5mph for 30 seconds, then 30 seconds squats with a ball X 6. rower - 1m as fast as I could, then off for 30 seconds of jumping jacks with the ball. 5 times but decreasing the rower for 10seconds each time, but still doing 30 seconds of jumping jacks. Didn't like them. then spinning bike (he took the seat off!!!!) on a hard resistance - couldnt get the pedals moving at first, how embarrassing - 1 minute on that, then 30 seconds of lunges X 6. Was good and I was nearly dead by the time I finished, but it worked some muscles - I still find walking painful now!! I think i might try and do that once a week, but might need a one to one each time....Don't think I'd do it on my own, not properly anyway.

Food Ban tomorrow. And I'll go for a run tomorrow evening. I MUST.

stiff....

Can't be arsed writing it all again, so copied from what I wrote on my friends FB wall:

Right.... This has nearly killed me, but then I am horribly unfit. I had to buy an emergency toblerone so I didn't die.

treadmill: set it going, 15% incline, 5mph, jump on and away you go for 30 seconds. Get off, then 30 seconds on power squats with a 5kg ball, 30 seconds rest X 6

rower: resistance 7, row as fast as you can for a minute, jump off... Read More, 30 seconds of jumping jacks with 5kg ball, 30 secs rest, then row for 50s, 30s JJ's, 30's rest, row for 40s,30s JJs, 30s rest, 30s row, 30s JJs, 30s rest, 20s row, 30s JJs, 30s rest.

spinning bike: get that seat off... 1 minute on a 'hard' resistance, 30secs lunges, 30 secs rest X 6.

Honestly, I thought I was going to throw up and I'm still bright red an hour an a half later. I already can't mov, I think I might need emergency wine now too

Didn't have the emergency wine, but had the emergency toblerone. Knackered now.

arseholes

So much for the diet.

OFF plan food....

2 x packs maltesers
1 x pizza express garlic bread with mozzerella
1 x pe sloppy guiseppe with extra mushrooms, garlic and mozzerella on a classic base
1 x pe banoffee pie with marscapone cheese
1 x bottle pinot grigio blush

Oopsy.

Got a gym review tomorrow with Pat. Hope he's vicious.

silly....

Have been really good with food all day, then got home (without going to the gym or riding) and troughed chocolate and rubbish.

*sigh* I am stupid.

Admitted Defeat

Rejoining FatClub tomorrow, so had lots of lovely fat food today, after a soso session at the gym. Didn't ride.

Stinks got to play out today, was vv happy, had a big buck and squeal and rolled lots, then settled down to eat.

Tired.

Stupid

So, there's me, all smug... been running, went up and rode (went to bottom yard, was intimidated, rode like shit) and ate 3 pink & whites and 3 plums for lunch. Then I got home and I was crosscrosscross so I opened the chocolate tin (1 pack maltesers, 1 ripple, loads of coins, some random chocolate) and I've had a sandwich too. With salami and cheese in it. Tea is spaghetti bolognese and garlic bread. I'm so stupid. Although, at least I went running. I wasn't going to.

stupid stupid stupid

smug

yeah, check me out, guess who's been running ALREADY this morning? 2 miles, 22 minutes :acclaim: and I walked most of the way back up the lane...it's uphill and at the end and i havent run outside since the 2nd November, according to my nike+. I'm happy with that, really, I am.

There's a thing on the Nike+ site that lets you add 2009 training resolutions. I put that I wanted to run 20miles in January, before realising that my Nike+ is woefully out of sync - it said todays run was a mile, yet the mapmyrun site & the Nike map both tell me it's 2 miles. I think I might change it to 10miles, but I do know that I'll actually have done 20. Make sense?

I want to eat now though :( and there's still chocolate everywhere. In fact, I'm STARVING. No, I'm not. I'm so pleased I went, there was no one about and I havent run for ages outside and I DO enjoy it, despite the bitching I do. Just wish sometimes I had someone to run with.

Can't decide what to do with Stinks today. Don't really want to go to the bottom yard, but she does hate the top yard school (damp, deep and loose in places, but it is rideable on). Still, it's frozen in town so hopefully it might be frozen up there too. Will be cold anyway, she has 2 rugs on again. Metcheck says its going to get down to -11 on Thursday :cold: I'll run out of rugs!!

So much for my plans...

Plan 1: Not panic re last nights discovery. Not working. Randomly :bawling: when I'm on my own.

Plan 2: Only eat between 2 & 4pm (obviously not solidly...) and after 7pm. Well that was buggered from the start when Chris announced we were having lunch at his mothers (at half 12) plus the box of Celebrations was open....They were started around half 8. *sigh* FatFighters curry for tea tomorrow AND I'll start counting again. Honest. Will ride in the morning - trying to decide where, my arena or the bottom yard - and then gym in the evening. I WILL.

Plan 3. Learn to ride. Apparently I have sat on a horse before. You wouldnt have thought it if you'd seen me ride today. FatHorse wasn't overly obliging, to be fair, but still. She does NOT like that surface though. It's not really deep, but it is loose in the corners.

Plan 4. Go running. This I did not do. I did do some sorting in the bedroom though. Should have gone running instead.