I just repeat myself over and over.
We're off to Iceland in 31 (squeee) days. I have not lost even approaching 20lbs, it's looking doubtful I'll be under 14stone now, let alone under 13 like I so desperately wanted to. OK, my knee didnt help, but otherwise all my motivation has gone, I can see me still being like this in December, bitching and whining I havent lost any weight.
I KNOW why I havent lost any, I just dont know where my enthusiasm for gym/dieting/riding/anything has gone. Had to force myself to ride this morning, I rode badly and FatHorse either felt the same way or else she was just being spectacularly ungenuine so we called it a day after about 15 minutes. I'm getting shoes put on her fronts next week, so hopefully will hack out a bit more (ha).
I'm a bit scared as to why enthusiasm has dipped, this is what happened at exactly the same time last year with the gym. Although just recently I've wondered about going swimming again. Unsure as to whether it's cos I'm thinking of Iceland or cos it's hot or what. I'm eating so much rubbish too, I dont know why. I eat it, KNOWING I'm going to regret eating it, but I do it anyway. I never point my food anymore either.
All rubbish. I should be saving money for Iceland - I've saved 60quid so far, and as I need to go holiday shopping (:|) beforehand, that will disappear before we've even left Leeds - cos I'm so porky I need a Bravissimo costume (if they have them in my size :S) which are 50odd quid each.
I'm so tired today, I really can't get myself enthusiastic about anything. If I had a hangover, I'd at least understand why but nothing.
Must stop whinging and start doing stuff and making my blog a much more positive place to be.
Saturday 23 August 2008
Friday 22 August 2008
Quickly
as I should b getting ready - busy day (hopefully...)
Need to get arse into gear and go down to the gym, then go up and bath a fathorse and dye it pink, before getting yard ready for BBQ tonight.
Also still thinking about New Yards. Fathorse might be settled and happy there, but :dunno: I like it a lot up there, but I'm there cos it's so convenient mainly. I'm not convinced a FatHorse will be looked after the way I want her to be while I'm away so I'm starting to panic about that.
What to do, what to dooooo??
(the answer, in the shortterm is to stop procrastinating and go get dressed and get moving. I'm going to be lucky to be under 14stone now, let alone under 13 :bawling: )
Need to get arse into gear and go down to the gym, then go up and bath a fathorse and dye it pink, before getting yard ready for BBQ tonight.
Also still thinking about New Yards. Fathorse might be settled and happy there, but :dunno: I like it a lot up there, but I'm there cos it's so convenient mainly. I'm not convinced a FatHorse will be looked after the way I want her to be while I'm away so I'm starting to panic about that.
What to do, what to dooooo??
(the answer, in the shortterm is to stop procrastinating and go get dressed and get moving. I'm going to be lucky to be under 14stone now, let alone under 13 :bawling: )
Thursday 21 August 2008
better day
Although Steph and I arranged to do our jumping tonight, so we could just concentrate on the BBQ tomorrow and I completely forgot I was meant to be at Chris' sisters for (another) Body Shop party. Oops.
Jumping was 'ok'. FatHorse was a nappy little bitch and would NOT go forwards at all, until we started jumping then I just had to sit and pray.
Party was also ok...only a couple of people there I didnt know, it was..well, ok. It didnt help I was half an hour late though. Bought some shimmer eye cubes...they looked nice but I'll use them once and then never again and some brushes.
Not a 'bad' food day, but not a great one either, especially as I was intending on going to the gym after jumping so wasnt as good as I could have been. Still, food ban tomorrow, until the BBQ anyway. Going to ferret away a bottle of vodka that only I know about.
Not sure how I'll get the car back though. Might need to go for a head-clearing walk up there Saturday morning lol
Jumping was 'ok'. FatHorse was a nappy little bitch and would NOT go forwards at all, until we started jumping then I just had to sit and pray.
Party was also ok...only a couple of people there I didnt know, it was..well, ok. It didnt help I was half an hour late though. Bought some shimmer eye cubes...they looked nice but I'll use them once and then never again and some brushes.
Not a 'bad' food day, but not a great one either, especially as I was intending on going to the gym after jumping so wasnt as good as I could have been. Still, food ban tomorrow, until the BBQ anyway. Going to ferret away a bottle of vodka that only I know about.
Not sure how I'll get the car back though. Might need to go for a head-clearing walk up there Saturday morning lol
Wednesday 20 August 2008
Dont know what the hell's happening
*shrug*
I 'slept' in the living room last night then got up to ride t'nag and sort her out, by the time I got to work, everything was completely normal? And he's arranging what we're doing when in Iceland. So I assume it's all good. I'm going gay next I think. Much les hassle, I'm sure.
Riding was fun this morning. We went in the field cos the arena was still under water, I DID thin about going out for a hack, but decided I wasn't quite suicidal just yet - thankfully I think. FatHorse was highly excited about being in the field and we spentmost of the ride (about half an hour) in canter, just bouncing about, totally and utterly overbent, snortysnorty and froth flying everywhere. I didn't jump. Thought about it, then remembered the knee is only just really ok - painkillers work if you up the dose!! - and actually I quite wanted to be alive. So, Friday, I think, I will die. I might try in the arena tomorrow. Might. Chris has just cheerfully informed me it's pissing it down, so I might be hacking out anyway. She's getting front shoes on next week.
Her wellies are rubbish, they've let mud and crap in everywhere, must see how much neoprene costs and see if Sues mum can make me some. Think they'll have to go under her heels though as I think thats where they let most of the crap in. So, that was an amazing waste of #70.
I've added up my work account. I'm hunting for stuff to sell, frantically. It's over 500quid - there's the clippers, the spare blades, the electric fencing, then the reins/breastplate etc. I'm sure I don't need two kidneys, I could ebay one I'm sure.
Gym was good tonight. Did my quick workout - did 15mins on treadmill, 5% incline 6.5mph on the work minutes, did that for 15mins, then rower wasn't too bad. Cross trainer was a bit rubbish but 'ok'. Can't decide whether to gym tomorrow or go running. Will see what Fanny's up to. I got on the scales tonight and I really will be lucky to make it under 14stone, let alone under 13 for Iceland. In fact, the only way I'll get under 13stone is if I suddenly develop dysentry or something. I still think I should be 'happy' if I get to 13.7 but I can't see myself doing it somehow. I still want to try running and swimming in Iceland, either one or the other daily.
So far, we land in Iceland on Tuesday night at (GMT) midnight, so suspect we'll just fall into bed. Wednesday we're going Gulfoss and Geysir, Thursday we're pony-riding and whale watching (if they accept I'm in their weight limit - am yet to find out if they have one. Friday I think we're just going to see what we feel like doing, Saturday I have earmarked for shopping, Sunday we're off to the Blue Lagoon and we come back on Monday.
I feel so shit about how I've behaved towards Nicola. I'm having the same done bakc to me and it's shit, I hate it, and the more it happens the more I keep pushing stuff, which is exactly what she does. I;m such a bitch, have no idea how I can make it up to her :S
I 'slept' in the living room last night then got up to ride t'nag and sort her out, by the time I got to work, everything was completely normal? And he's arranging what we're doing when in Iceland. So I assume it's all good. I'm going gay next I think. Much les hassle, I'm sure.
Riding was fun this morning. We went in the field cos the arena was still under water, I DID thin about going out for a hack, but decided I wasn't quite suicidal just yet - thankfully I think. FatHorse was highly excited about being in the field and we spentmost of the ride (about half an hour) in canter, just bouncing about, totally and utterly overbent, snortysnorty and froth flying everywhere. I didn't jump. Thought about it, then remembered the knee is only just really ok - painkillers work if you up the dose!! - and actually I quite wanted to be alive. So, Friday, I think, I will die. I might try in the arena tomorrow. Might. Chris has just cheerfully informed me it's pissing it down, so I might be hacking out anyway. She's getting front shoes on next week.
Her wellies are rubbish, they've let mud and crap in everywhere, must see how much neoprene costs and see if Sues mum can make me some. Think they'll have to go under her heels though as I think thats where they let most of the crap in. So, that was an amazing waste of #70.
I've added up my work account. I'm hunting for stuff to sell, frantically. It's over 500quid - there's the clippers, the spare blades, the electric fencing, then the reins/breastplate etc. I'm sure I don't need two kidneys, I could ebay one I'm sure.
Gym was good tonight. Did my quick workout - did 15mins on treadmill, 5% incline 6.5mph on the work minutes, did that for 15mins, then rower wasn't too bad. Cross trainer was a bit rubbish but 'ok'. Can't decide whether to gym tomorrow or go running. Will see what Fanny's up to. I got on the scales tonight and I really will be lucky to make it under 14stone, let alone under 13 for Iceland. In fact, the only way I'll get under 13stone is if I suddenly develop dysentry or something. I still think I should be 'happy' if I get to 13.7 but I can't see myself doing it somehow. I still want to try running and swimming in Iceland, either one or the other daily.
So far, we land in Iceland on Tuesday night at (GMT) midnight, so suspect we'll just fall into bed. Wednesday we're going Gulfoss and Geysir, Thursday we're pony-riding and whale watching (if they accept I'm in their weight limit - am yet to find out if they have one. Friday I think we're just going to see what we feel like doing, Saturday I have earmarked for shopping, Sunday we're off to the Blue Lagoon and we come back on Monday.
I feel so shit about how I've behaved towards Nicola. I'm having the same done bakc to me and it's shit, I hate it, and the more it happens the more I keep pushing stuff, which is exactly what she does. I;m such a bitch, have no idea how I can make it up to her :S
Tuesday 19 August 2008
Monday 18 August 2008
RubbishRUBBISH.R.U.B.B.I.S.H.
ARGH, I am so CROSS with myself, I dont think I really want to get thin at all, after all. Why else would I decide that I dont want the tea I've ALREADY MADE and have takeaway-pizza (not even 'healthy' chris pizza) and cheesey garlic bread instead?!?! And not only that I'm having a fatpig dessert too. I'm such a twat, I really do astound myself.
Do I forget that I'm going on holiday in 5 weeks, which requires the wearing of a swimming costume, in front of other people, and, in fact, being naked in front of other people :bawling: I think I'm going to have to stick a picture of The Holy Bible album cover on all the cupboards just to remind myself what I look like.
FUCK.
Work infuriated me too, have been given go ahead to say who I want to take with me when I 'leave', said I'd already chosen so got to tell her this afternoon, and then she told us she was very excited about the opportunity etcetc blahblahblah but she thought her & B might be moving in Feb. I'm so CROSS, I want her and only her and I can't recruit from outside cos otherwise that will REALLY set pigeons lose at work, but no, no, no, I dont WANT anyone else, V & I just understand each other perfectly, we work amazingly together and no one else is good enough. It's not her fault, obviously, it's not anyones fault, but I was so excited about doing this with her. I'm sure something will work out.
I'm so cross with myself, I feel sick now.
Gymmed tonight, didnt ride. Gym was rubbish as well, did my 3 miles but had to keep walking. Will try again tomorrow night. Not going to FatClub. No point, I'll just feel even worse than I do now. Must ride Wednesday night, they're shooting tomorrow evening and as she was wild tonight, I suspect it will be suicidal to try tomorrow with the shooting too. Just hope the school is dry, I have little self preservation at the minute, but even I'm not stupid enough to hack her out after a weeks box rest.
Stupid knee, stupid horse, stupid gym, stupid food, stupid ME, AAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Do I forget that I'm going on holiday in 5 weeks, which requires the wearing of a swimming costume, in front of other people, and, in fact, being naked in front of other people :bawling: I think I'm going to have to stick a picture of The Holy Bible album cover on all the cupboards just to remind myself what I look like.
FUCK.
Work infuriated me too, have been given go ahead to say who I want to take with me when I 'leave', said I'd already chosen so got to tell her this afternoon, and then she told us she was very excited about the opportunity etcetc blahblahblah but she thought her & B might be moving in Feb. I'm so CROSS, I want her and only her and I can't recruit from outside cos otherwise that will REALLY set pigeons lose at work, but no, no, no, I dont WANT anyone else, V & I just understand each other perfectly, we work amazingly together and no one else is good enough. It's not her fault, obviously, it's not anyones fault, but I was so excited about doing this with her. I'm sure something will work out.
I'm so cross with myself, I feel sick now.
Gymmed tonight, didnt ride. Gym was rubbish as well, did my 3 miles but had to keep walking. Will try again tomorrow night. Not going to FatClub. No point, I'll just feel even worse than I do now. Must ride Wednesday night, they're shooting tomorrow evening and as she was wild tonight, I suspect it will be suicidal to try tomorrow with the shooting too. Just hope the school is dry, I have little self preservation at the minute, but even I'm not stupid enough to hack her out after a weeks box rest.
Stupid knee, stupid horse, stupid gym, stupid food, stupid ME, AAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Sunday 17 August 2008
Panicking nice and early:
1. The plane will crash
2. You are legally obliged ( :huh: ) to shower - naked - before getting into pools in Iceland. There are attendants to ensure you do. Not even Christopher gets to see me naked. This is almost enough to make me want to cancel the whole thing.
3. They'll say I'm too heavy for the ponies.
4. I'll see some nice clothes and I won't be able to buy them because they won't fit.
5. The scars on my legs. They're so obvious, both in visibilty and what they are. And like a twat I keep adding to them.
6. EVERYTHING I've read keeps going on about how stunning Icelandic girls are. What if Chris compares us?
7. Luggage gets searched for razorblades etc. Humm.
There was more stuff I was worrying about earlier. Can't remember what it was now.
I reallyreally want to go swimming every day (despite worry *2) and running - I've looked at the map where the B&B is, and the roads APPEAR nice and straightforward. Plus the pool is just down the road from the B&B. And we'll be riding (once) although I can't see that it'll be 'active'.
5 weeks now till we go.
Didnt ride FatHorse today :( They were shooting behind the arena and she was being a dick just in the yard. Decided with no saddle I'd be safer not riding. Going to ride tomorrow eve though, see how the knee holds up and if it's ok will go to the gym.
Jumpathon on Friday. I want to do it but I cant be arsed with the BBQ afterwards. No one I know will be there, Chris will be BBQing and I'll just sit with him and eat rubbish. And get drunk and send many abusive 'you fuckers, you said you'd be here for me' texts. Maybe I'll just leave my phone at home.
2. You are legally obliged ( :huh: ) to shower - naked - before getting into pools in Iceland. There are attendants to ensure you do. Not even Christopher gets to see me naked. This is almost enough to make me want to cancel the whole thing.
3. They'll say I'm too heavy for the ponies.
4. I'll see some nice clothes and I won't be able to buy them because they won't fit.
5. The scars on my legs. They're so obvious, both in visibilty and what they are. And like a twat I keep adding to them.
6. EVERYTHING I've read keeps going on about how stunning Icelandic girls are. What if Chris compares us?
7. Luggage gets searched for razorblades etc. Humm.
There was more stuff I was worrying about earlier. Can't remember what it was now.
I reallyreally want to go swimming every day (despite worry *2) and running - I've looked at the map where the B&B is, and the roads APPEAR nice and straightforward. Plus the pool is just down the road from the B&B. And we'll be riding (once) although I can't see that it'll be 'active'.
5 weeks now till we go.
Didnt ride FatHorse today :( They were shooting behind the arena and she was being a dick just in the yard. Decided with no saddle I'd be safer not riding. Going to ride tomorrow eve though, see how the knee holds up and if it's ok will go to the gym.
Jumpathon on Friday. I want to do it but I cant be arsed with the BBQ afterwards. No one I know will be there, Chris will be BBQing and I'll just sit with him and eat rubbish. And get drunk and send many abusive 'you fuckers, you said you'd be here for me' texts. Maybe I'll just leave my phone at home.
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