More rubbish

I've annoyed myself today, dont worry.

I attempted the gym this afternoon in a vague effort to get the so called exercise endorphins flowing, but they'd flowed right away. Was rubbish, couldnt do the intervals in the treadmill, so ran 2 miles instead and that was a struggle (2 one minute breaks). Managed the cross trainer and rower on intervals though so that's something. Didn't even bother with thin-arms or stretches and I havent done any here at home either. Havent ridden, havent run, havent done wii fit or Nell. Lazy cow.

FatHorse was fine, put her in the arena while I mucked out and generally faffed about, then the other livery came up and I just really couldnt face being sociable, so I was very rude and just walked away and sat with FH in the arena while she alternated between stuffing her face and generally being a tit.

I've been rubbish with food today, which hasnt helped the mood. Food Ban went amazingly until 5pm and then I just had to eat. Absolutely stuffed my face, and as a result I'm now uncomfortably full. I hardly dare point it, so much for not eating the points I'd over eaten by yesterday.

Been rubbish with the other stuff too. Cut myself shaving last night and Chris is having a tantrum, he doesnt believe it's an accident.

Still can't pull myself out of the 'I've just split up with Chris' mood. It's frustrating me, I know we havent, I know he doesnt want to and to be honest it's scared me how much it's upset me. I always thought I'd be fairly level headed if it was me that got dumped, but today has proved I really wouldnt be. I couldnt eat (till I had to :rolleyes: ), have become embarrassingly clingy (HATE it yet cant stop it) and am now paranoid.

Please let me be more rational tomorrow.

Rubbishlyrubbishingrubbish

Rubbish :nod:

Yesterday was ok, managed a food ban till tea was ready, check me out. Then it all went downhill, pizza, garlic bread, some banoffee pie (FatFighters, but still) a milky way, 2 bottles of wine...Was nice though but now I have the horrors. I quite fancy going for a really nice, long, run, but I wont because A/ I'm a lazy cow and won't motivate myself enough to go and B/ I'll be rubbish and that will make me more rubbishlyrubbish. I might go to the gym in a bit instead.

Feeling a bit crap anyway because Nicola rang last night and wanted to do something over the weekend, so I lied and said we were away (I'm going to get seen by her now), then when she asked if I wanted to do something that night I just said no, couldnt think of an excuse quickly enough, so I just said Chris and I had been busy all week and just wanted an evening on our own. All lies. So I think I've offended her now too. Wel, I dont think, I know. So yeah, rubbish.

Havent dared get on the scales yet, but I'm having vegetables for tea. I should point all yesterdays food and not eat today what I went over yesterday, does that make sense?

Rode FatHorse yesterday, she was fine. There were Monsters in the wood though and she was completely inattentive. No spooks, just somewhere else entirely. I was trying her in the hanging cheek french link but I might as well have been riding with a toothbrush for all the use it was. Rubbish.

Dreamt last night as well that Chris and I split up, because he didnt want me anymore. I know it was a dream (because I went to the gym afterwards, how WRONG is that??) but I still can't shake the rubbishness and am mooching about doing bugger all and just generally being miserable. Don't want to get back into bed (he's still asleep) just in case it's a little bit true. I went to the gym with Fanny yesterday, after we split up I was on my own. WE HAVE NOT SPLIT UP.

All rubbish.

Today has the potential to be a good day

Dont tell the FatHorse...

I'm trying for another food ban today, we're having pizza and garlic bread for tea and I think I might want wine too. Or is that ridiculous? I was under 14stone this morning - cue the HUGEST grins ever and screams for Chris to come and see (but he HAD to comment on other things) but still - has set my day up well. I just dont want to fuck up the weight loss this week.

Been to the gym with Fanny this morning, did the treadmill on 70second on the work bit, mostly on a 4% incline, but I think I did 3 work minutes on 5%. Did that for 15minutes, did rower and cross trainer too. Can't decide if that was easier or not or if I just got a bit lazier towards the middle.... Last few work minutes were uber-fast though. Did thin-arms and the one I hate, the arms in front and to the side thing, I did with 2kg weights. Two sets of 12. Well, one set of 12 and 2 sets of 6. But it's getting better. Then tried to make Fanny stretchy. She can't do it. I'm sure I must do something wrong. Tried her running top on and it fits, after a fashion. I wouldnt wear it on its own, but yes, it does fit. I can't decide whether to get one or not. Would I ever actually wear it? She does look a bit of a tit wearing it in the gym under a vest top.

Going to go ride FatHorse in a minute, if it's still upright. Bloody animal, now I can laugh and joke about it now, but I thought my heart had been ripped out last night. Running later too, hopefully. Not sure how good I'll be by that point though.

I'm still tempted by this running top. If we get a bonus I might consider it a bit more.

I might wii fit before pizza too, depends on how dead I'm feeling. I might not be capable by that point.

This week has gone so quickly, it's not fair. I think I could get used to being a house wife.

Today had the potential to be a Good Day

Got up after a rubbish nights sleep but felt ok, so trundled off down to gym, increased the treadmill by a whole 10second on the work bit an dd tht for 10 minutes, so extra minute I think done on it. Was knackered by end. Got thin arms, did stretches, went to Superdrug and got some bits and then walked back home.

Got a text to say my pony-shopping had arrived at work so raced down there, boots - good, bit - good, girth - good, chaps....going to take some stretching to fit :bawling: and as for the rug.... it's horrendous. Put it on the FatHorse and she was so horrified she promptly colicked :bawling: Again.

She was stood at the gate when I got to the yard so I assumed S hadnt long put her out, so pottered about for a bit then went to get her. Soon as she saw me open the gate, she buggered off. Grabbed some grass, and walked her down, took all of 5 minute, the lazy cow. Couldnt care less about the grass, came in fairly happily.

Tied her up outside stable, texted for a while, discussed whether the rug was worth calling the RSPCA for (I think it is - definately now it induces colic) Joked about her colicking cos her guts were gurgling, but then panicked cos her head was low...However when the foals were turned out she perked up then, and also when people rode past, so decided she was just a bit podged.

Put her in her box, she had a poo (nice...) bit Danny then hurled herself to the floor. Hauled her up (shocked even myself) and took her to the school. I must have walked 6 miles with her tonight. She farted, she burped, she grunted, she tried going down again. Four seperate occasions we trundled round that school, then I took her in the field (I was bored of the school) and she perked up again. Ended up going round there 3 times then by the third time, SHE was taking me round. Put her back in her box and she managed to remain upright for 20 minutes which is a new FatHorse record, so came home and I'm going to go bak up and check her in a minute.

Poor FatHorse :bawling: and STUPID me, it is my own fault she colicked and I've now been rubbish and rubbish with food too. I needed to be good at food today cos we're having pizza tomorrow and I bet I wont be able to stay on food ban again all day tomorrow :bawling:

Rubbishrubbishrubbish

Anthem

The lights are on
The ships have gone
I'm fine and dry and much to my relief

I'm flying high
To beat the sky
And One by One my blues lie underneath

A time to live
A time to die
A time to open up your eyes and see

I'm in love with the rock 'n' roll world
I'm in love with the rock 'n' roll world
I'm in love with the rock 'n' roll world
I'm in love with the rock 'n' roll world

Why waste time
To find the place
When all the time the world was mine to keep

A time to live
A time to die
A time to open up your eyes and see

Rocks and stones
and breaking bones
The fits, the shakes, she tries to get some sleep

I'm in love with the rock 'n' roll world
I'm in love with the rock 'n' roll world
I'm in love with the rock 'n' roll world
I'm in love with the rock 'n' roll world
I'm in love with the rock 'n' roll world
I'm in love with the rock 'n' roll world
I'm in love with the rock 'n' roll world
I'm in love with the rock 'n' roll world

Hold your breath
And count to ten
So good to be so fucked up... oh yeah!

unmotivated and whingey

I'm just being rubbish because I havent had to motivate myself yet today. S did nags this morning, so I havent HAD to get up and moving yet. Wish I'd done them, it looks like it's going to rain any second, FH will be wet. In fact, I know it's going to rain, I've just put some washing out.

I've just paid some money off my credit card so am feeling marginally less horrified by that. Marginally. At least I'm using everything though, it's not just pointless rubbish!! Hope my bodyshop stuff comes soon.

I want to know when I get to see this weight loss. Logically I know I have lost weight and therefore size, but I dont SEE it and I know no one believes me and they're getting infuriated but I genuinely dont. This is why I'm scared for if I ever get the money to have the surgery I covet, who's to say I'll feel any better? I might not like it on principle (I'm that sort of person) or I might STILL not see any difference.

I had the oddest dream last night as well, it's made me feel a bit weird. I must get back in touch with the ex about the divorce, but I dont really have the money to at the minute. Plus I want to look amazing. Not because I want him back, but because I just...do. I can't explain why.

All rubbish and I can't even explain how I feel properly. Gymming tonight with Fanny. I can't decide if it's going to be a washout or if it's all ok. I might go a bit earlier and get on the treadmill before she gets there.

What if

What if, I lose all this weight, and I'm still the same person underneath it all?

What do I do then?

well, at least it's a loss/

Food ban went amazingly...Didnt eat at all until after FatClub tonight. Shame though that I was starving and have eaten almost double my points since I got back :rolleyes:

Seriously, I'm still hungry :unsure: thats not right, surely?

Anyway, I keep mantra-ing 'it's still a loss, it's still a loss' to myself but I;ll be honest, it's not really working. Half a pound? Rubbish. Just as well I didnt eat all day cos it would have been a definate gain. And I remembered to wear the same clothes, check me out.

Rode this morning. Think she likes the gelpad, there was no fannying about while I was putting the saddle on today and she worked nicely when she wasnt gawping at just about everything in the world. Came back from yard and went down to the gym. Was ok, yesterday I did the running on a 5% incline but I just couldnt manage it today, so just did 4%, so that's not so good. Rower and cross trainer were ok though.

Went back home then went up the yard and 'strimmed' with a schooling whip until the sun came out and then we strimmed with a proper strimmer. Yard will be unrecogniseable come the Jumpathon.

Oh, god, the Jumpathon. I'm going to die. There's banners, there's other horses, there's JUMPING. I might claim inability to ride, get all the poles on the floor and have someone lead me round. It's going to go one of 3 ways. 1, she's going to be an utter tit and I'll fall off before I even get to a fence (or even in the field, if she spots the banner), 2, she'll jump, I wont or 3, she'll jump, I'll jump, I'll get overconfident and then fall off. I've ensured there's vodka for afterwards, bugger the food, I want the alcohol.

NOW I feel like I eaten too much (only feel? I KNOW I have), why cant I feel like this when I've eaten? Even up to the sandwich I was belly rumblingly hungry!! Rubbish.

Today isnt a good day

Already, I can feel myself getting worked up and uptight about FatClub tonight - I KNOW I've put on weight and the weigher goes to the gym and everytime she sees me she goes on about how much exercise I do and how much I'll have lost *this* week, and I havent this time. It's my own fault I've eaten rubbish, and KNOWN I've eaten rubbish too but not done anything to stop it. Think I might do kickstart again this week, but that is entirely dependant on me being able to stop eating :rolleyes:

Still. About to go up and do horses. Hope Molly in a good mood, I'm too tired this morning to cope with anything other than angelic behaviour. Will do some more exercises from The Book and I'll see how she likes her new pad. I'm still in the horrors about that. It is nice though.... If I end up not using it for her I'll stick it in my gym trainers or something :lol: It's very heavy though :S

I was thinking last night, while I still want cosmetic surgery, what if I have it done and I still dont like it? What do I do then? What do I do if I never get to my holy grail weight of 11 stone? Although I'm sure at least a stone of that is my tits. What happens if this is my 'happy weight'? What do i do if my top half keeps getting smaller and my arse and hips still stay wobbly and bulbously fat? What if it never happens, what do I do then?

Might buy a running top. I dont know why. Then thats it, I must stop shopping.

Uh-oh, I'm in trouble...

Went to Beavers and have spent FARFARFAR too much. I had shopping-guilt while I was buying...that's never happened before.

I only went in for a hat :unsure:

Came out with a hat (thankfully) plus a plain black hat silk, some offset stirrup treads, some girth guards, a kimblewick to try (my bit obsession clearly hasnt diminished) a saddle cloth, some smart pink and grey bandages, a couple of bandage pads and, umm.... a stupidly expensive gel pad. It was 2 weeks livery expensive. It's very nice... Was desperate to try it out, so went up and pikeyed the pony round the arena - no hat ( :rolleyes: ) jeans and trainers. Hat is far too nice for pikeying.

Rode (properly) this morning, did lots of exercises from the 101 schooling tips book, very successful session this morning. Helped having some sort of structure to it anyway. So, this morning was good. Did a proper muck out too, made the FatCamp a bit bigger for her, scrubbed out her water bowls, cleaned all my tack (a proper-take-it-all-apart clean too) and swept the yard totally. Came home, showered, went to the tack shop and spent a third world debt, then met Fanny at the gym...I can't go with her again, she just makes me laugh too much and I keep almost falling over or just not doing as well as I SHOULD.So gymmed and came home and had breakfast/lunch/food at half 4. I'm cross though because I've never not eaten for so long (good, obviously), but then when I DID eat I just troughed everything in sight...so tomorrow will be shit. Have done the core section of my Nell DVD tonight as well...Wont do any good. UNLESS I can just not eat until after fatclub, which is unlikely.

So....thats all I've done today. It took forever and I've been busy all day, but I dont really feel like I've acheived very much.

I have been good though, so far. So there's an achievement in itself.

Finally....

This is probably the least time I've ever waited for a week off, but it seems to have taken the longest ever to come round.

Had a bit of a rubbish morning, woke up still with the paranoid feelings of last night wheeling about my head, not helped by twattySILs comments of how much prettier SHE was (bitch) so was fairly rubbish in the gym. Well, *I* was rubbish but not at the program. Think I might do 15mins on treadmill instead of 10 (maybe try a couple of 5 or 6%... did it today) and 10 on the rower from now on. I love it, I reallyreally do.

Occured to me earlier I've been to the gym SIX times this week. And been for a run, and ridden and done my Nell DVD and Wii Fitted. Did the core section before horses/gym/work this morning. God I need to work on that, I'm so rubbish and I can't be an effective, good rider until thats better.

Was going to ride tonight, but decided to wash fathorses legs instead, she has mud fever again, really badly on her offhind. I really thought I was going to find maggots or something under there cos it really stank, but there is lovely pink skin under the scabs, so hopefully all good. Have Protection Plussed it and cut all the hair round it right back. I think I'm going to have to admit defeat and get Nicola out to sedate her and start to clip her legs out again.

Going to take my schooling exercises book up there tomorrow and going to start work on the pair of us.

Have had a rubbish food day and wine tonight, but...fuck it, if I've put on weight its not cos I've not done enough exercise this week. Check me out being a grown up about it all. For now.

I hurt, I'm such a dick at times.

Bad girl

In all sorts of ways.

Friday night....top night, fabby to see everyone, but I ate appallingly and it showed yesterday at work by the fact I was grumpy all day and had no energy whatsoever. Even managed to break the habit of a lifetime and NOT get drunk at the weevils house. I had one glass and that was it!! Check me out. But it does mean I can't even blame my gluttony on the fact my willpower was out the window :rolleyes:

Work, like I said, was rubbish yesterday....Tried doing some retail therapy to cheer myself up, didnt work cos I spent a ridiculous amount, now I have shopping-guilt. Got a new bit to try, a new girth (cos at least FatHorse is getting thinner even if I'm not), a LW turnout rug (I subbumbed...but only cos I want to ride - the weather will clear up for summer now) some new boots for me and a pair of half chaps that won't fit because they'll be too small, but at least it's something to thin into which wont be as baggy as the ones I have now. Banking just would NOT balance yesterday, Chris wouldnt believe me and came in to sort it out, but he couldnt get it to balance either. Made him bring me in some emergency chocolate which is BAD because he bought in a pack of fun sized chocolate bars. I've eaten 6 of a packet of 10.

Was allowed to leave a bit early cos it was his dads birthday party last night, thought about going for a run, but my knees ache a bit so i did my nell dvd and some Yoga on WiiFit instead.

The party was ok, the usual suspects, being farmers. Once again I. Did. Not. Drink. At all!! Chris got embarrassingly drunk so I drove home - he was even too pissed to moan I was going to fast. Ate rubbish again though. Couldnt bring myself to go to where the food was because there was too many people up there (what is WRONG with me??) so Chris went and got a HUGE pile of rubbishy food which I picked at and there was a big tub of pringles left near me for too long so I ate most of that too, if not all of them, actually. Bollocks. So this week is a weight gail week, I'm sure of it. Must remember to wear the same clothes as last week.

Still, vegetables tonight and tomorrow and a proper food ban would be good!!

Just today to get through then I have all next week off....can;t wait.