Next year....

I shall become financially solvent.

I WILL pay off my credit card and only use it when I can pay it off within a month.

I WILL pay off my work account

I WILL sort my teeth out

I WILL lose this last 4 stone

I WILL get divorced

:fingerscrossed: anyway...

Miserable....again

I don't know whats up with me at the minute - I don't know if this pain is normal....I am horribly healthy so I don't deal with pain overly well. If something hurts I get convinced I'm dying. So, is this pain normal and something to live with cos it will die off in a couple of days, OR should I go back to the dentist? I have an appt in a couple of weeks anyway.

Was meant to be going to Stephs birthday at Nandos tonight, but Chris only got in half an hour ago and I was asleep. Ooops, so have been a chicken and sent her a text to say we're not coming. I did prewarn her earlier that we might not cos of my mouth.

Did a proper full muck out of Molls bed earlier, took me absolutely ages and I lost count of the amount of barrow loads I took out. Hopefully that was my workout for the day because I've been a fat cow for the rest of it (when I've been awake). Had a tidy round of all my stuff, and found one of her previously lost wellies, which was a bit of a result. Must remember to take up a scoop for her Graze-On tomorrow rather than just grabbing handfuls. Very messy and wasteful...Must try harder to watch pennies.

I am being such a fat cow

I've put on 5lbs this week :( so you would imagine i would be being uber good from today? No. I was good all day at work, but since I've got in, I've had a mars duo, the vast majority of a bag of Haribo (Starmix...mmmm), an embarrassing amount of cheese and salami, 2 slices of bread & jam, a hot chocolate....and I'm about to have my tea - with wine. Oh well.

Anyway. I'm on holiday now from work. It's been a shit week. My mouth hurts. I'm going to get very drunk and start again tomorrow.

Who knows, I might even get to ride my horse this week?

It was all going so well...

food-wise. But then there was an incident with a strawberry bun, some yogurt and some nutella. And Chris has bought some croissants. The correct thing to do now would be to refuse said croissants, but I was so excited when I saw them, he'll guess somethings up. And I want them.

My mouth is still sore, but not AS sore - but I am still popping the painkillers. I'll see how it is next week. It didnt keep me awake last night, so hopefully it's all settled down.

Andy wants to meet up next week to get some papers signed for the divorce. Erk. I was meant to be thin when I met him again. Having said that it's about 2 years now I think since he last saw me. Wonder what he looks like now?

Stupid teeth

Gah.... Didn't sleep much again last night, despite the wine. Face is still blown up and sore, but finished the antibiotics yesterday. Suppose toofache will either develop into something proper, or I am actually imagining it. Either is possible. Especially at the moment, as it doesnt hurt at all now, but, oh, I don't know. I've had a lot of pain killers today. Quite like it when it hurts, reminds me it's not all in my head.

Didn't go to the gym. But have had vegetables for tea, and soup for lunch.

Neither Dan nor Vickie in tomorrow. Colins day off. Kelli in, but has knackered her thumb. Chris is MEANT to have a day off but he's coming in. Probably just as well, as it would have been just me and Stu again.

Very tired, can't wait for my week off next week. Havent ridden since I don't know when. Molly hasnt been out for last 3 days. She's going to be feral by the time I do get back on her. She had a good groom tonight, she wasn't impressed.

Christopher is home

He comes bearing cheese, chocolate, garlic and LOTS of wine..

Well, it would be rude not to, we're sampling the chocolates and have sampled the wine. Technically, as I am currently having an allergic reaction to the abs (rashy face) the wine is probably a bad idea, but, hey....I'm not dead yet.

My mouth hurts and I feel sick.

Welcome home Christopher :lol:

Owwwww my stupid teeth

They, well, the top one that's left on the right hand side, has really hurt for most of the day. Has been fine from about 3pm onwards, but now it's REALLY sore again - my own fault I've overloaded on nutella (my 'healthy' dessert) and options.

I didn't sleep that well last night again - I don't know if it's cos the cats are being little shitheads, my teeth hurting or the fact Chris isn't here. Potentially a combination of all 3. I used to hate it when Andy came home and banished him to the spare room in case he woke me up, but I'd give anything to have Chris here now :blush:

Ponies didnt go out today, the field is actually a swamp now plus it was uber windy. Not getting back on a FatHorse till we can either go out in company or the school dries up - if there's any left of it. Most of it was in the field yesterday. She was feral yesterday.

Went to the gym tonight, didnt do overly well but I'm pleased I went. Right up to the point I got on the rower (which I did first) I was making excuses as to why I'd have to leave early but then once I'd started I got a bit into it. My mouth was pounding though and could still taste blood. Not nice.

Tomorrow has the makings of being a shit day at work, just C in the shop so I will have to spend the day in there with him. Hope my mouth feeling better. Stupid teeth.

Oh....Bollocks.

My mouth is still sore, sneezing is painful and my upper right hole has an intriguing tendancy to make bizarre noises like air is being sucked up it. And my head hurts. I am however eating normal food again though.

Going back to the gym tomorrow night, could have gone this morning really but I felt a bit rubbish - Chris went last night and I had a fuck-awful nights sleep. The cats were playing silly buggers all night and I had myself convinced there were people breaking in at work and prowling about outside.... Not nice. Ended up switching my phone off at 3am cos I was convinced I was going to get an alarm call and while I'm not exactly a fan of them when Chris is home, I TRULY didnt fancy one on my own.

Diet has gone by the wayside and obviously exercise has too, so I will either stay the same or put weight on this week, but :dunno: can't get in a shit over it because there's not really been much I can do - well apart from not eat shit obviously.

Tomorrow is going to be shit at work - V rang earlier to say she wants to take her dog to the vets first thing in the morning because it looks like she's in labour but nothings actually happening (I have STRONGLY advised she go now and not later) , and now DtM has rung me to say he's had a car crash and written off his car. Have texted Poo but no reply yet, so he's going to be in a shit as well.

Andy rang Friday night. He wants to start divorce proceedings. Interesting.... Apparently he's starting them tomorrow. Cool.

Still meepy, still grumpy....

Still sore...

Work could be fun tomorrow. Chris goes tomorrow night too :( Will miss him. :blush:

In other news...have slept most of the day and Andy wants a divorce now, is going to start proceedings on Monday.

I am 13.7stone. Hopefully this week I'll still lose some weight although am not hopeful. I can't remember the last time I was this light. Fifteen years ago maybe?

No gymming by me till Monday which is a bit shit. But I do feel rubbish and I only want to go because I can't, typical.

I do wonder still if my fat is fat or if it's loose skin? I do wish I was rich.

I wonder if I'll ever see Andy again? He doesnt seem to think that we'll need to meet up to sort the divorce out. I wonder if he's changed at all?

Owwwwwwwwwww

I actually can't be arsed to blog tonight.

Had 3 wisdom teeth out today. Mouth is huge, I'm spitting blood and it hurts already.

Miserable tonight :(

Come on, you fat bitch!

Fanny and I went running tonight, we walked a lot :S and met some chavs. Did it in 44 minutes (3.44miles). Same as we did Race for Life in. Didnt help that we both kept getting the giggles. Still, we went. And that we did means that we didnt sit on our arses not doing ANYTHING, which is a good thing.

My laptop arrived today, on it now. Love it love it love it. It's all shiny and new and quiet and lovely. Can't wait till we have wi-fi too and I can tinterweb in bed lol :lazybitch:

Dentist tomorrow, hopefully I won't have to have ALL my teeth out.

Had a rubbish day, not slept overly well and not acheived anything at all. Must. Try. Harder tomorrow.

Havent prepared Dan any questions either. It's ok, I don't suppose for a second he's actually done what I asked him to anyway.

wonderings

Today I worked out that I am finally just overweight :banana: Only another 1.5stone to go (as of this morning) and I will be A HEALTHY WEIGHT. There's a shocker.

However. To celebrate I have eaten a SHITLOAD of chocolate, a weegemans sandwich, a weegemans scotch egg, a weegemans strawberry bun, shreddies (clearly they did not keep my hunger locked up till lunch), tea, some cheese pancake thing, MORE chocolate...

Running tomorrow. Was meant to go tonight (went to gym this morning) but Fanny was hungry. I could have gone on my own but I'm a lazy cow and was cold, so I didnt.

Have also spent some of the morning trekking round the chevin in an attempt to find my errant horse, only to find her in the next yard down, in a nicely bedded stable and with a nice net of (non-mouldy...) haylage. She was so utterly PROUD of herself I am a little concerned about what she might have been up to. That little Shetland fucker... I'm convincing myself though that between her rug, the tail and the whole height difference thing it's unlikely. If it is, she's being jabbed out of it. Little fuckers.

So. Alarm set for 5.45am in order to go up and refence the bastard field and do jobs before work. Coffee for FB!

How will I know...?

I was poking at my belly earlier, as you do, and was wondering...How will I KNOW when I'm thin enough? I can't decide if what I have now is loose skin, or still just fat?

I need to set myself some exercise aims as well. Running the whole of Race for Life this year will be a good start, sub 30minutes would be amazing, but not overly acheivable.

November measurements....

Saturday 1st November
L. calf - 16.4
R. calf - 16.7
L. thigh - 26
R. thigh - 26.7
Hips (inc tummy)- 43.5
top hips (on bellybutton)- 38.5
waist - 33
under boobs - 31.5
L upper arm - 13.0
R upper arm - 12.6

Tuesday September 2nd
L. calf - 17
R. calf - 17.5
L. thigh - 26.5
R. thigh - 26.5
Hips (inc tummy)- 45
top hips (on bellybutton)- 41.5
waist - 36
under boobs - 32
L upper arm - 13.5
R upper arm - 13

So, yay! Some inch loss at last. Not bad going as I have been really naughty about sticking to points over the last few months. I write this, eating a Wispa bar (not as nice as I remember) and have just eaten a Kinder Bueno. Oops. Will point it, I'm a good girl... Now. :sigh: And Chris got Ben and Jerrys for tea. Who wants to be thin anyway?

FatHorse was a good girl to ride this morning. Think she was bored too. Just went in the school, which is still a bit sloshy. Then I turned her out in FatCamp while I did my jobs and tidied about my stable, then brought her in and washed her legs - she has manky grease build ups where her boots go :puke: so they got done in washing up liquid. She's having the rest of the day in bed. Towel dried her legs but they were still damp, plus I've brought her wellies home to wash.

Lots of magazines have been bought to curl up with later. Tired now. There is a definate FEEL of man-flu hanging about

So much for riding this morning

:grumps:

Tumbled out of bed at 6am....to hear it pissing it down. Neither of us like working in the rain, so instead I have got up, trundled about a bit, had a coffee (the novelty!), done my banking, painted my nails, will straighten my hair then go up and muck out.

Todays aims:
Banking & wormers, then shop
Fruit at midday, then lunch when shop staff have finished their lunches
Admire my Christmas present (arriving this afternoon apparently)
MUST email riding instructor, apologise for being shit and explain lessons while needed are pointless at the minute because I have no usuable surface to ride on.
At the gym I'm going to attempt Day 1 of Challenge Queen Rach again. I think I did it in 33 minutes last time, but with no squats. If gym empty will attempt squats. If not I'll just try for quicker.
More Goodness.

Chris is going to France next week. Allowed to have THREE days unsupervised and TWO nights. I dont want him to go :wimp:

Right. Must get weighed. Day one (again) and all that.

Thursday...

I think it's a good day.

Get in the shop...tick
Good workout at the gym....tick
Not stressing at the horse.... tick
Apologising for twattishness....tick

Slightly over points.... Not by many though, 2 maybe? I havent pointed exactly. Had some plums at midday, then my lunch just before 2pm. I like to do this, when I can last that long... it makes the day seem so much quicker, to be having lunch just before last break.

I'm going to get on FatHorse tomorrow, the alarm is set and everything... Even if we just end up trundling about the field for 10 minutes, I'm going to enjoy it and be happy with it. I'm not hacking out, I still hold my hands up and I admit I frightened myself the other week and I'm furious I put her in that situation.

As for the gym tomorrow, I'm going to do the first Challenge Fat Bloater I think. My new program is ok, I get hot and sweaty but I don't get that proper rush I get from working HARD. Even though it is hard. Work that out?

Anyway. Today I feel pretty much on top of the world, I don't know why but I'm not going to knock it. I've spent the last 3 months or so waiting for the rubbishy feelings to kick back in, they havent, and I'm hopeful now they won't.

Here's to the last 4 stone....

Habits

I really need to develop some good ones. The past 3/4 months I've just been surfing along in my own little world, complaining about this that and the other and not actually doing anything proactive to change anything.

So.

This morning I decided I'm not going to go to FatClub anymore. It makes me feel about an inch high that someone from the gym weighs me. I never stay for the meetings so I'm not actually getting any benefit from it. So I'm going back to doing it online and I must start USING the message boards again. Plus it's going to be cheaper. Hardly noticable, but cheaper nevertheless. My new weigh in day will be Friday mornings.

Work...well. I'm going to make more of an effort to get out of the office - stay in there till after lunches then go into the shop. This will help me get more organised with my time for when I really am on my own and no one's going to be looking at my screen when they walk in to see if I'm on Facebook or working. Plus the shop is looking a bit of a shit tip just lately. Friday I'm going to do AMTRA stuff with Dan as well. He needs his arse kicking in general. So that'll stop me stagnating in the shop anyway.

Horse...Hmm. Well. Today I intended to get up early and go out for a hack. I havent. I frightened myself tbh the other week when I came back along Yorkgate at the time I did. The arena is frozen solid and the field won't be much better. I think the best thing to do will be to find a proper yard where I can hack out with people on my days off and there be a better maintained arena... I'm half thinking about going back to the Grange. I know I said I never would, but..I bet for £40 a week I could have her brought in on a night and it actually be done. I keep hearing about places getting broken into as well, while people are there, and I just feel a bit vulnerable up there on a morning.

Thinking lots. Been a twat.

rubbish...

I am a shit FatFighter.

Got to the gym after work tonight and just went to find Fanny - couldnt be arsed with gym, so we went for a run instead. Was rubbish. She'd already run a mile on the treadmill (9.26 the big bitch, thats beaten me now by a good 30 seconds) so then we just went for a shite run - ipod reckons it was only half a mile. Took us 20minutes so I assume more likely to be 1.5miles. Fucking hope so anyway...

So yeah, about Fat Fighting.... forgot to go. Hmm. Then came home, have eaten 2 slices toast and jam, 1 packet of crisps, tea (roast dinner...) (more) wine and nutella and yogurt. Oh well. I can be thin next week...

Rubbishness. And I can't even bring myself to get cross with myself over it.

Mapmyrun says 1.9mile. Suppose not so shabby. We did walk a lot.

Bah. I wish...

I wish:

1. That I'd never got to this stage to start with

2. That I was a nicer person

3. That I was rich so I could afford to fix myself

4. That I could find it within myself to start back losing weight again. There is not *that* much further to go now, why can't I do it?

5. That I could stop wanting.

6. That I could be happy with what I have. I have a Christopher, a home, a good job that I get paid well for relative to my productivity, a FatHorse and my 2 kittens. I really do not have anything to complain about at all.

7. That I could motivate myself to do MORE. Today I could have ridden, gymmed and run. I only went to the gym. Tomorrow I should be able to run/ride or gym. I bet I only gym. I MUST get myself out of the habit that the arena is wet so I have to hack. I'm so fucking BORED of the bridleway.

8. That I could do something positive instead of whinging about how unfair everything is.

9. That I could apologise to the people I need to apologise to.

I wish that was enough.

doo-wop, ba-ba doo-wop....OBLIVION!

Terrorvision were fab and I've been trying to convince people to come with me tonight to see them in Newcastle but no one's playing :( Sang along to it all, the acoustic bit was fab (Tequila? Acoustic??) and I have utterly fallen in love all over again. I went to buy a t-shirt at the end and the woman told me she was sorry, but they only had large shirts left. Got a bit :( cos I thought she meant it'd be too small but Chris said she thought I'd need a medium, which was nice :D got it and am now sat here wearing it. Have itched though at some point :( Don't remember (when do I) doing it, maybe I do it at night?

Been up and ridden this morning. It was REALLY windy and she was a pain in the arse but we had fun anyway. She had fun arsing about in front of jumps and I was just pleased to have ridden. I#m not feeling gymmy today, so I'll *think* about going for a run later. I'm not sure how much further I'll get with that thinking tbh, I'm really tired, struggled to stay awake in the bath :blush:

Must. Stop. Eating. Come on, get with it... Thin....