Panic

Chris has found a Lump.

I'm so fucking frightened it's unreal. He's going to the doctors on Friday.

I'm scared of failure, so scared of success...

ARGH!

I'm terrified of not making it to vaguely where I want to be - I'm under no illusion that I'll look how I want to look, too saggy, stretchy marky and scarred for that now, but 'vaguely there' will cut it. I want it so badly. BUT it seems that I'm scared of actually making it too - why else would I eat so much rubbish and NOT gym when I could have done... I feel rubbish [manflu] but I could still stand to have done SOMETHING. Urgh. I have put on a shameful amount and I can SEE the new fat wobbling under my skin. Hateful.

I MUST be better.

Work was rubbish. Very quiet. Stu went home early.

New year, MUST get to 10 stone by this time next year. Finally then I will be happy, because I will no longer be the fattest in photos and at 10stone, despite what I look like, I know I'll be able to ride pretty much any horse (ie, it can carry me, not that I'll magically be able to ride). I'll be fitter, therefore I will ride better, I'll run further and faster and everything will be better. If I'm still *here* this time next year I'll be very upset indeed.

Must find more things to ebay. Credit card shooting up again. Not helped by buying an (unneeded :rolleyes: ) hoody from the Joules sale, especially as I intend it won't fit me for long, plus my dentistry starts again in a couple of weeks.

Blah. PLEASE motivate me for weightloss now.

Urgh

Shitheady little horse. She was a total pain in the arse today and I nearly fell off twice before I even got to the arena. Then she took exception to a plane landing and contorted herself into all sorts of shapes, at speed. However, I did not fall off. I did not look calm and elegant, but I did not fall off.

Diet was doing fine right up until 2pm when I started eating. What was meant to be a fruit corner & cereal lunch because a fruit corner, cereal and half a box of Celebrations. Now I'm home I've just had tea and I'm going through a tin of Roses at am impressive rate of knots. It's no surprising I've put on so much weight :(

Was going to go for a run this evening, but went to see IdiotHorse and got cold, so came home to a bath and Roses instead. Feel good, but it's not so good on the weightloss front.

rubbish shit and rubbish

Work was shit. Could not motivate myself and spent most of the day in the office on FB and playing squares. And eating.

Rode this morning, she was a pain and I lost my temper. Ashamed of myself.

Kittens to the vets tonight. Elmo had a pointless trip and Belly has had her anti-sex jab.

Went to the gym afterwards, managed 17 minutes on the treadmill, got bored/fucked off and came home. Via Netto, a (big) tube of pringles, a full pack of Classic bars and now a full Big Toblerone as well as my tea.

Fat cow.

I need white fillings...

There's fb pictures from last night and it looks like I have something stuck in my teeth :( Must stop grinning so much when pissed, or at least cover my mouth if I have to.

Diet is utterly by the wayside for Christmas. Was going to the gym tomorrow, but Elmos little scab is now a big scab and not nice - think it's absessed so he's off to the vet. Might take Belly too for her jab to keep her out of season. Two for one discount maybe?

I think I'm going to cut some pictures of what I want to look like, eventually and stick them somewhere I can see them daily... Positive reinforcement and all that.

My teeth hurt :( I should stop eating sweet stuff, then they'd hurt less I'm sure. Still I have a review on Tuesday and MAYBE (probably not) I'll go running after the vets tomorrow. Don't think Mol likes the top yard arena, I 'lunged' her in there this morning and she was NOT going to go forwards. She had yesterday and today off, and I can't decide whether to give her another day off tomorrow as I don't think I have time to go down to the bottom yard and use that school before work or whether to ride in the top arena anyway.

Hmmm.

Must get thin next year. Want pictures to be proud of.

So. About this 'Being Good' thing...

At 11pm at night, I have so many good intentions. I will do 200 situps every day. I will go to the gym (minimum) 4 times a week. I will go for one run a week. I will attempt to do press ups every day until I can do 100 proper ones. I will not buy ridiculous magazines, because I don't have the money. I will not go to the supermarket on the way home and buy food Just Because I haven't eaten a proper meal (yet) that day. I haven't eaten a proper meal because Ive spent the day eating biscuits and buns and sweets.

Urgh.

So. It's 9pm, so I'm earlier than normal. Despite my manflu (which, tbh, looking at Kristen & Wayne, looks actually quite horrid, I think I'm getting off lightly so far), I will ride tomorrow and I WILL gym. I will have to do both of these things in order to compensate for Fat Food at the Fondle. I will do all my transfers and get Mollys livery money together (3 weeks worth) and put it Somewhere Safe so I don't spend it all. I will not look at my bank account at any time between now and January 9th and think 'Oooh! I've got more than £20 in there! I'll have a tenner out Just In Case'.

This year I will lose the remaining 4 stone. I will also clear my work account and attempt not to get it over £100 again. I will clear my credit card and only put things on it that are in dire need of. This may potentially include new clothes (if I'm going to lose 4 stone, I need new ones). And teeth, natch. Talking of which, they are sore at the minute and he's not even doing anything. Back on 16th Jan.

FatHorse was slightly less of a shit head this morning, but I don't think she likes the surface. I can't decide whether or not to take her down to the posh yard and ride in the outdoor there, although everyone will be mucking out in the morning, and I will therefore be in full view. I think I might stick to the top yard for a while.

Every so often I can feel myself getting shit again like I was over summer, which both frightens me and reassures me in equal measures. It frightens me because i think if I have another episode like that I won't be able to stop, but I am reassured because I did it this year, I can do it next year. Although, I have just this second cancelled my FatClub membership. I must get back into the mindset of writing down what I eat - pointing. I know most of the points for stuff. Still, it's £7 a month that can go towards my credit card... Self control!! I do have it, somewhere. I hope I find it again soon.

Must Be Better.

Urgh. I have put on 6lbs since the beginning of December. I have eaten nothing but sweets and chocolates today in place of real food and as a result my skin is all spotty and blotchy and shit.

Must Eat More Vegetables.

Went to the gym tonight for the first time in a week. Managed normal program but was nearly dead by the end. I lose fitness so quickly :(

Rode FatHorse this morning in the arena on my yard. She was a little shit bag. Up earlier tomorrow so I can do battle for longer if necessary.

Still urgh

Still man flu-esque.

FatHorse has the farrier coming tomorrow and the Top Spec cool condition cubes may have done such a good job she may really be a Fat Horse again by the end of the week. I'l get on her on Wednesday. Went down to the bottom yard this morning. It's Very Posh. I'm not sure we'll fit in :S

Being Fat. it's rubbish. Day off and havent been to the gym either. Shit shit shit. Must go tomorrow. Giving up Fat Club, I never go on the site anymore anyway.

urgh

I have a new car (skoda.. I ask you. You can tell Chris bought it), a cold (again, from Chris) and utterly no motivation whatsoever for going to the gym or going running at all.

Urgh.

Hmmm

So.

Since I last blogged.

Christmas party. Less said.

FatHorse is now FatHorseThin. She's moved house. I suspect she'll put some weight on now no one's taking her haylage out.

Must. Get. Thin. Been rubbish this month and have put on weight. Must deserve the award I was nominated for.

I can't even work up the energy to get cross

This week, I have had 2 dentist appointments, been to the gym once (ONCE!!), drunk at least one bottle of wine a night, had takeaway curry and takeaway pizza, having garlic bread tonight and it's the Christmas party Saturday night.

I have tried my dress on, it still fits, JUST, but my legs look like tree trunks. It's unattractive.

I can't even work up the energy to get to the gym or do anything about it. I've eaten shit and not actually stopped.

I'm pissed off and upset about it ( :wavey: all that weightloss) but not actually enough to do anything about it.

I'm also dilemmaing about the damned horse again and her living arrangements. Fair does, they can't go out at the moment and I can't get up there (deep snow) so S is doing them, but I don't trust her to do it the way I like her to be looked after. She'll have shitty mank water, I bet she won't have any haylage and she won't have had her ball filled either. There's one yard I think I might ring up, just down the lane from where she is now, but a good extra 10 minutes on the journey by road. Will Think about costs and if they do assisted DIY/part etc. Dentists horse is there. Hmmm.

fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat

December measurements

Tuesday 2nd December
L. calf - 16.4
R. calf - 16.7
L. thigh - 26
R. thigh - 26.7
Hips (inc tummy)- 43.5
top hips (on bellybutton)- 41
waist - 34
under boobs - 33
L upper arm - 13.0
R upper arm - 12.6

Saturday 1st November
L. calf - 16.4
R. calf - 16.7
L. thigh - 26
R. thigh - 26.7
Hips (inc tummy)- 43.5
top hips (on bellybutton)- 38.5
waist - 33
under boobs - 31.5
L upper arm - 13.0
R upper arm - 12.6

:bawling: OK so I've been rubbish at FatFighting, but that is a shocking amount of size to have put on.

Feeling Festive

Today has been a nice day - ponies (and I) had a lie in, they didnt go out till 9. Moll had to do some work, think once she's clipped she's going to have to have breakfast too, she does look rather light at the minute. Anyway, she worked nicely, but might have to start wearing spurs. Hmm. I don't *think* she's hungry, and once I've got after her she does work nicely, but the first 5 minutes is spent with 'this is my leg, this is my whip...' until she finally decided to play ball. Must be more consistant with my contact.

Was all lovely and frosty up there too, real thick frost. Looked very wintery and I felt (feel) very festive at the moment... Took her for a mooch down the bridleway afterwards but it was too icy really, she kept slipping.

Meant to go swimming today, but, umm, forgot. Rubbish. Haven't actually done any proper exercise today and have eaten rubbish. Nor did I go into town and buy any tit tape. They were highly busy at work, very pleased I wasn't in. This is it now till Christmas though... I've got too lazy.

Going to Chris' sisters for alcohol tonight. Must be good.

Hmm....

Been sent a page of links 'to read and digest'.

Hmmm. Still reading, still digesting. Still not sure of its relevance though?

http://www.google.co.uk/search?hl=en&q=bi+polar+disorder&meta=

Being a bit shit again

Dunno why. Think it's because things arent really going my way weight wise...Well, it is and it isn't. I'm a little lacking in motivation and I don't really know why.

First of all I was going to go to the gym tonight (I didn't ride this morning), then I decided I wasn't, but I was going to go for a run instead. Didn't do that either. Didn't sleep overly well last night which probably isn't helping my current mood PLUS ridiculous jealousy is rearing its ugly head.

Hmmm. Am going to ride in the morning and I AM going to go to the gym after work. Have a weekend of wine drinking and pizza ahead of me to try and negate, plus the VAT deal at work most of Monday. Tuesday is the dentist again so hopefully I'll be back on the soup diet after that. I can't decide which tooth hurts more now. I'd not thought of dentistry in my hopefulness of being out of debt.... I'll aim for the end of January to get the credit card paid off. Hmm. Oh well.

On the plus side my pink dress still fits, yay.... It's even baggy over the tits which is shocking. It may even need taking in. What a novelty.

Arrrggghhhh

I don't know why I am letting myself get so wound up over shavings of all things. Breathe.....

Hmmm.

Had a moment earlier. You know, general self hatred et al. I seem over it now. I am getting increasingly jealous though. I am pleased certain people aren't coming to the Christmas party now because I was paranoid before over what is/was said etc. At least I'm now only being paranoid while I'm sober. If I was drunk I might attempt to act on it.

Diet is not going well. Christmas chocolates have started to arrive and I have started to eat them.

Mmmm, chocolate. Mmmmm, losing my boyfriend. Must stop eating aforementioned chocolate.

Riding on a morning again...

Is good for the soul I think :nod: Even if it is a fucker dragging yourself out of bed. Didn't do very much cos the pair of us were still half asleep I think - it took a couple of reminders that leg on = shift your ass. Might wear spurs tomorrow. Took her flash off this morning too, but didnt really do enough to decide if it was beneficial or not.Have printed out some walk and trot tests for video dressage to try and work towards. Aim low and all that... Canter needs Work and until we can have regular lessons again, it's not high on the list to be thinking about it.

Diet? What diet? I am aiming for a 'maintain' over Christmas and New Year. Eat what the hell I like and make sure I go to the gym. As long as I fit in my dress it's all good.

Work. Bit shit. Not for now.

I love my pony again...

Not that I don't always, just sometimes she's easier to love than others...

Have pretty much done bugger all, all day (aka, the washing up and listed some stuff on ebay) so went up this aft to ride and faff about. S had the day off today so I'd asked her to leave her in but with a mountain of haylage. Got there and there was no haylage left but her guts werent growling so I assume she got it. Tacked up while chatting to Sophies owner (she said again today I'd lost MORE weight...) and then went in the school. I don't know what changed - they were still shooting and still logging and it was very windy, but everything I asked for, I got...It got to the point where i could ignore what she was doing because it was RIGHT and concentrate on myself. Everyso often she'd attempt to fall in, but she'd make it so obvious she was *about* to, I was able to correct it before she did it. Ended up riding in a t shirt too cos I'd got hot, most of it was in trot. She was a very good pony and i wish it could be like that all the time. I do love her, so much.

Now, that I was not expecting...

Red dress arrived yesterday.... fits. Yeah, check me out! So, that put me in a good mood. Then we went to Meadowhall...Needed something else for the other xmas party, went to Next, tried on a 16, and it was ok, but there was a hole in the front of the dress, so asked the lady for another one....she came back, said there wasn't any other 16s, but here, try on a 14... well, that fits too, so I bought it. That one I do have to stay thin for though.

So, yeah, yesterday was A Good Day, clothes wise...

FatHorse has decided to do a FatHorseThin and has dropped a startling amount of weight just recently. Have got some fibre to feed as well as her hay. She was a pain in the ass yesterday, proper can't shan't won't. Although, if I was hungry like she must be, I get like that too.

Think I've sold my clippers on ebay. Bit less than I'd hoped as it's on a buy it now, but I want to get my credit card paid off now. My Wii Fit game has attracted bugger all interest, bizarrely. No watchers, nothing.

Hmm. Must gym today, finding it hard to summon up the enthusiasm. Got a touch of man flu.

Sometimes I take my horse for granted.

She hasn't been sat on for at least 2 weeks, so today I rode her in the school, with clay pigeon shooting going on in the woods behind, and logging (and the related chainsawing/tractoring/axing...) going on behind her fatcamp.... she was a little bit tense - canter was a bit yee-haaa, but she was Really Very Good Indeed.

Going for a ride/run tomorrow with Fanny round the chevin. Could be interesting :unsure:

In other news...I'm still fat and I've fallen out of love with the gym.