stiff, achey, grumpy....

Pffft, I don't like squat thrusts. I can't move. Well, I can't decide if it's them or the toetap whatsits. I havent done any squat thrusts today, but HAVE done the toetaps and could barely move afterwards. Am very stiff now!!

Gym wasnt as good as it could have been, but did do homework (bar squat thrusts & the planks) and did thin-arms too. So happyish.

FatHorse attempted to tell me she had colic today, but I disbelieved her and tacked up anyway :bitch: Funnily enough, as soon as she realised we werent going in the school/on the normal bridleway ride she forgot about being sick. She was ok on the triangle (was only going to do a short ride in case she WAS sick so made sure was in yelling distance of Steph, Carl and Beth at all times :lol: ). Got back 'home' and she was full of it, so decided to carry on and do the bridleway ride backwards. We had a mini tantrum because I made her go past the track to home, then was tense and ridiculous for a good while after. Then noticed a Discovery coming up (slowly) but there was a little red car tucked right in behind it, looked like it had come up fast, then was jut going to scoot out and overtake as we passed. Turned out it was being towed, but the disco braked which little-red-car obviously wasnt expecting so the tow chain clanked on the floor as we were level with it - FatHorse did the biggest spook ever, then picked herself up by bucking then stopping dead and was clearly trying to decide whether to head for home (but that would involve following The Monster of feck off the way we were headed, so I made her mind up for her by booting her in the ribs and off we went. Somewhat slower than I expected/intended as we now had to spook EVERY step in case there was something else to be concerned about. Got very cross and she got Big Smacks. All this was witnessed by Carls brother - ooops. Was telling him the other day what a good pony she was, and his young daughter was more than welcome to come and tootle about the school on her. Ah well, dont suppose that will happen now LOL.

oooh, I do ache. Will school the little monster tomorrow. Can't decide whether to put spurs on or not. I'm not entirely convinced my legs are stable enough, especially in canter. Need some James Bond style ones, which could be built into my boots and everytime I put my leg on it activated them. I'm insane.

Must go for a run tomorrow, after work. If I can move. Need to stop being a lazy cow. I may be GOING to the gym and getting sweaty, but I dont seem to be progressing very much, if at all.

Been a while....

And not much new to report, as ever.

MUST get back on the wagon with food and exercise, I've let myself become lazy and undisciplined this last week. I have homework from the gym - because I won't do it AT the gym, it's embarrasing - but I did it tonight... Turns out I HATE squat thrusts. They HURT. Only managed half the time I was meant to. And I fell over doing the side planks. Amused Chris by using the cat as a weight for the twistyturny stuff, but she objected so used 2 bottles of vodka instead.

Have moved FatHorses FatCamp, onto the hilly bit next to the arena, so hopefully it wont get so wet/cut up and she can stay out for longer and I wont have to worry about her paws. I'm still undecided about what to do about yards. Technically I have to go up twice a day anyway, but the arena has mostly washed away and what's left is still flooded. Plus there's no indoor lights to muck out in (headtorch needed maybe). I dont know, I really dont. I know I'm better off than some people, but I have been so spoilt by other yards I've been on.

Went shopping today in Hgate. Chris was adament we were buying matching winter jackets, but I managed to customise mine and it ended up being cheaper than his (ha!), so I got some clever thing that can be about a billion different things, but I'm just going to use it as a hat, and hope it doesnt make me itch. Also got some sunglasses (Bloc) and a big handbag which can be used for my hand luggage on the flight :biggrin: Oh and La Senza pants. I've just looked on the site and apparently I fit into their bras. Hmmm....

I'm sure there was something huge I meant to blog about tonight, but buggered if I can remember what the hell it was.

tired and complacent

I'm in 2 minds over whether to go to FatFighters or not tomorrow. This week has been SO BAD food wise it's unreal. I've been a Very Naughty Girl. It's been very tasty though. Self loathing and hatred is starting to kick in again though, which is good. I'm getting far too complacent and lazy. Gym this morning was RUBBISH. Was most amusing when Fanny fell off the treadmill and then we couldnt do anything constructive for laughing too much. I really wish there was cameras in the gym precisely for that reason, it was the funniest thing I've seen in ages.

That doesnt say very much really, does it? :unsure:

FatHorse was a pain in the arse in the school, so just trundled up and down the bridleway quick. I'm trying to decide how long a 'short' Danefield would take on a morning. Minimal roadwork.... Hmmm. It's just getting down the hill, doing it on the bridleway could be a bit treacherous (uneven is not the word) but not sure I fancy being on the road AND downhill at that time? We dont do trotting downhill. Decisions...

Please will someone make up my mind for me?

Because I am obviously incapable of doing it.

Do I stay or I should I go?

In other news....Didnt ride. Wetwetwet. Arena under a foot of water, as is most of the yard. Could have hacked I guess but not really in the mood - :coughhangovercough: DID go swimming though, check me out, on my own too. Did 70 lengths, nearly killed me. Took me hours.

Was meant to be going to see a friends band tonight but instead have stayed in, drunk no alcohol, watched a DVD and done a jigsaw puzzle. Rock n roll. I think I am actually 45.

I lost myself, I cannot speak

go on, take everything, take everything, I want you to...go on, take everything I dare you to. I told you from the start, just how this would end, when I get what I want then I never want it again...

Somehow, other peoples words fit better than my own.

I've been drinking, clearly.

Tired

As ever I thought of lots to blog but I'm tired and can't really be arsed.

Rode the fathorse this morning, she was a pain in the arse. I really am going to have to think about moving yards, seriously. The arena is flooded almost constantly in this weather, I rode in the field this morning but now she's shod we've marked everywhere we went, the hacking is amazing, but the only hackable routes on a morning involve a narrow, fast, busy road. When I'm told she's been done for the night, I'm not convinced she has been....That's not such an issue, because I always go and check her anyway, although I am worried about my holiday. But then I spend time up there and I love it. I love being on a small yard, and being left to get on with things as I want. I just dont know what I want.

Went to yoga last night, got told off for giggling. Come on!! She told us to give our pelvic area a lovely massage, then we had to stroke our inside thighs!! Everyone else must have been made of stone not to have laughed at that.

Work was a bit shit today, although Stu and I found a caterpillar and made him a house with mint, tomatoes and some random bit of tree in a fatballs tub. He's very small though and stu drilled holes in the lid but I think he'll squirm out. In fact, I couldnt find him when we left tonight. I'll get to work tomorrow and he'll have eaten the office ala the very hungry caterpillar.

Food has been shit, we'll not mention that. I think I might attempt swimming over the weekend. Maybe. Gym was good, I think. Managed a minute running (on the flat, natch) at 7.5mph. Did thin arms and some sit ups too.

Tired now, can't decide whether or not to gym before work, or go to the yard. It's rained on and off all day, so can't imagine the school will have dried out any and we're meant to have heavy rain all weekend.

Very excited about going to see Terrorvision again in October :grin: Chris will hate it.

I think I've actually fallen in love with the Juno soundtrack.

Big FatHorse Cobby tantrum

Tried to recreate the lesson this morning - my God do my hands hurt! Had to give up holding onto the breastplate, but tried very hard NOT to slip my reins. Worked to a certain degree, but not as consistent as the lesson. Suppose to be expected really. Was Very Forwards Indeed. No problems falling into a downward transition and canter was...long!! It's the only way to describe it! Having gone from only managing half a long side of canter before falling back into trot to managing 2 circuits is shocking. She tried falling in on the transition into trot from canter, but for the first (and probably only time, ever) I had a contact AND my leg on and she couldnt. Well, obviously, she could, but she clearly wasnt expecting me to be so organised and sending her on, so thats where the tantrum came in. CERTAINLY wasnt expecting me to push her through it (neither was I!!) and after that was a Good Girl. Sulky, but good. I'm still in shock that so many problems seem to have been solved just by picking up (more of) a contact. Even (especially) canter - I would have thought having more of a contact meant that she had more of an excuse/I was stopping her going forwards, but as yet :touchwood: that doesnt seem to have happened.

We went out for a hack yesterday morning, just round the bridleway. Think I might have to rethink the idea of doing that on a morning now the schools are back - it was Busy. She's having a day off tomorrow - me and Fanny are going to the gym in the morning before work, then yoga after work, so between work & yoga I'll go up and muck her out, she needs new shavings in.

Pleased with her today, she was good. My riding is atrocious though. Hands and legs are everywhere, especially in canter.

September measurements

Tuesday September 2nd
L. calf - 17
R. calf - 17.5
L. thigh - 26.5
R. thigh - 26.5
Hips (inc tummy)- 45
top hips (on bellybutton)- 41.5
waist - 36
under boobs - 32
L upper arm - 13.5
R upper arm - 13

Saturday August 2nd
L. calf - 17
R. calf - 17.5
L. thigh - 26.5
R. thigh - 27
Hips (inc tummy)- 45
top hips (on bellybutton)- 44
waist - 35.5
under boobs - 34
L upper arm - 13.5
R upper arm - 13

Meh.

You are always trying to keep it real,

I'm in love with how you feel.... I loveloveLOVE that song, so much. I can't even say why, it just makes me feel all happy.

I've enjoyed this weekend. FatHorse got new shoes (fronts) put on yesterday and her FatCamp made bigger, then we went to BingleyLive...Was fab, Infadels were .... Well.I was kind of disappointed by them cos I love the albums so much, but the first 2 songs both had 'sound issues' and then no one else really seemed that into them. They were good though and I enjoyed it. Chris was a bit bemused I think. I'd rather go see them in a grotty club somewhere I think. The Automatic were better than I thought they would be, the Delays were good and so were Scouting for Girls. Terrorvision were ace, loved them. They're playing in leeds in October, I think we have to go. Band/woman on before Infadels...Emily Bones... Much to Chris' horror, I loved her. Looked for an album (I can imagine her being fun to run to) but just managed to subscribe to some podcast instead. Missed the Happy Mondays cos we were both tired and ready for home (via the pizza-takeaway...hummm) apparently they're rubbish live anyway.

Got up this morning and brought FatHorse in to wash her legs and rest (ahahahaha) before our lesson. Also washed her paws so we looked marginally less like dirty pikeys. Went to the gym after, and had an ok session. Not the best, but not the worst either, by a long shot. Got the key stuck in the locker though, which was foolish. Pat had to come and rescue my clothes. Thankfully it was before I went in, not after I'd showered.

Went into Leeds afterwards. Got a tankini (check me out) from Bravissimo. My belly hangs out the bottom of it though so dunno if I dare wear it :blush: Really need to win the lottery and go spend it all in there. Was measured for this getup, current bras are 36GG...tankini is 32HH. Can't decide if that means they've got bigger or smaller - cup size wise. Went to M&S after and just got a 'normal' costume (for half the price :rolleyes: ) and I think I feel more comfortable in that. Oops. Went into Primark and got some jumpers (still iceland shopping), then looking in New Look and got 2 new tops (1 says Miss Attitude, the other announces 'Here comes Trouble...' and has a picture of little miss trouble on it.

Got home just in time to go up and get the FatHorse for our lesson. Instructor is really nice and we solved the 'falling in issue' in about 30 seconds by getting me to pick up my contact by about a foot. Oops. She had me holding the breastplate where it attaches to the d-rings with my outside hand with my little finger to keep it constant (they hurt like buggery now) and ask with my inside hand for her to soften, on a circle at first, then as she starts to soften to go large. She felt so slow and stuffy to start with, but apparently this is good. Was easier to ride when I got 'it', but I could feel myself getting ahead of her at times. Am to NOT KICK as that makes her shoot her head up. Meant to ask about spurs but I forgot. Whip must be used behind my leg (so basic) and not on her arse. When I got 'it' though, 'it' felt amazing - nice and short and right *there*. Chris tok some pictures and a video... We worked on canter, but didnt really get to work hard on it as FatHorse was knackered. It's going to be REALLY hard to keep my contact on the canter transition cos I feel I'm stopping her by holding so 'tight' but she didnt, in fact we had our longest arena-based canter ever on the left (allegedly our worst) rein... Chris filmed it - you can hear me yell 'GOOD!!' as we make the transition (head isnt pretty, but the transition is nice, rather than running into it) then all the way round you can hear me yelling 'Good! Come on! Weee! GOOD GIRL!!' Oopsy.... Going to book another one when we get back from Iceland. I can't really afford them any more regularly sadly but it was good. Sundays is going to have to be Lesson Day over winter. Pissed it down the whole time, till the end of the lesson, then it stopped. Typical. My hands look like they're all over the place on the video though :S But it was good, I enjoyed it and instructor is nice.

Good weekend.

I'm so ashamed of myself

In so many ways.

Riding this morning... I was tired and rode badly and she just took advantage or I caused her to do it, I'm not entirely sure. Anyway, I inexcusably lost my temper. I fel so awful now :( Ended up giving up any idea of schooling and put the jump up (it was that sort of day - only went up to about 1ft6, if that) and we did that a ew times. Poor pony :( Wish I had the money for regular lessons. I emailed someone today but she's yet to get back to me. Think she'll be too far away though.

Work was rubbish, banking didnt work (I was doing creative-sums), people would ask me questions and I'd totally forget how to SPEAK let alone answer them, Dan fucked me off, he really is a lazy shit (although I can't talk today) and I ended up spending the day surfing t'net and doing fuck all.

Went up to the yard and had to have my picture taken for this jumpathon thing - I look hidious, I'm easily as wide as Steph and Sue put together :(

Went to the gym after, had to put the incline down on the treadmill, to 3 :blush: awful, but did 40seconds on the rower. Cross trainer was ok. Intended to do a mile on the treadmill again when I finished on x trainer, but did 2 minutes and gave up out of pure laziness. I could have done it.

Then I've come home (chris is out), and instead of reheating my vegetables, I've made myself 1 marmite & banana sandwich, 2 slices of toast and honey and had a pack of pink & whites. This is in addition to the toast, cake and biscuits I had at work :'(. I'm am so STUPID, it's no wonder I'm so fat still.

Check me out

With my exercise endorphins...

I had an ok gym session, but came out happy with it. Did treadmill (work - 6% @ 6.5mph on intervals for 15 minutes then ran on until I got to 17minutes (1.55miles), then did rower and x-trainer. Also did stretches but Stretched hard (haha) and managed to get my head on the floor. Was going to do thin arms but got bored, so did 2 x 15 chest press with 15kg and then 2 x 10 ... dunno what you call them, but they're hard and did it with 2kg in each hand. But yeah, came out HAPPY, then someone commented on how I look and I feel a bit rubbish. Why cant I accept a compliment?

Rode a FatHorse this morning, that also went well... The falling in was marginally better, I think. Works well concentrating on me - I am causing it - and the buckets in the corners helped me too. She's been a bit flat recently, so have started giving her some cool mix just to give her a little boost. She is desperate to become an Indoor Pony so might succumb over the weekend. Just a bit worried though that while I'm away she'll just stay in and not leave the stable. Hmmm. Can't decide what to do for the best.

Want to be thin, rich and a good rider :( None of them are looking remotely possible any time soon. Bah. Damn my impatientness.

Only to be expected

But hasnt stopped me feeling rubbish. 2.5lbs on. So far am ok, and have refrained from pigging out on rubbish, although I'm going to have to go to bed soon to make sure I dont. I went for a run this morning, round the bridleways at the yard. It wasnt a good run, I walked a LOT, but still got out of breath and sweaty so I guess that's something. Lunged FatHorse after, no falling in, so must concentrate totally on me tomorrow. Am going to put buckets in the corners to ride round, see if that helps.

Work was rubbish, I was very lazy.

Went to the gym, that was ok. Must start doing resistance again, I've got lazy.

I am upset. I know it was inevitable, but there was the tiniest smidgeon of hope that I could at least have stayed the same, especially with running (badly) and the gym tonight. :(

How much have you lost??

What Have You Lost?

Your weight loss =

1 pound = a Guinea Pig
1.5 pounds = a dozen Krispy Kreme glazed donuts
2 pounds = a rack of baby back ribs
3 pounds = an average human brain
4 pounds = an ostrich egg
5 pounds = a Chihuahua
6 pounds = a human’s skin
7.5 pounds = an average newborn
8 pounds = a human head
10 pounds= chemical additives an American consumes each year
11 pounds = an average housecat
12 pounds = a Bald Eagle
15 pounds = 10 dozen large eggs
16 pounds = a sperm whale’s brain
20 pounds = an automobile tire
23 pounds = amount of pizza an average American eats in a year
24 pounds = a 3-gallon tub of super premium ice cream
25 pounds = an average 2 year old
30 pounds = amount of cheese an average American eats in a year
33 pounds = a cinder block
36 pounds = a mid-size microwave
40 pounds = a 5-gallon bottle of water or an average human leg
44 pounds = an elephant’s heart
50 pounds = a small bale of hay
55 pounds = a 5000 BTU air conditioner
60 pounds = an elephant’s penis (yep, weights more than his heart!)
66 pounds = fats and oils an average American eats in a year
70 pounds = an Irish Setter
77 pounds = a gold brick
80 pounds = the World’s Largest Ball of Tape
90 pounds = a newborn calf
100 pounds = a 2 month old horse
111 pounds = red meat an average American eats in a year
117 pounds = an average fashion model (and she’s 5’11”)
118 pounds = the complete Encyclopedia Britannica
120 pounds = amount of trash you throw away in a month
130 pounds = a newborn giraffe
138 pounds = potatoes an average American eats in a year
140 pounds = refined sugar an average American eats in a year
144 pounds = an average adult woman (and she’s 5’4”)
150 pounds = the complete Oxford English Dictionary
187 pounds = an average adult man
200 pounds = 2 Bloodhounds
235 pounds = Arnold Schwarzenegger
300 pounds = an average football lineman
400 pounds = a Welsh pony

I've lost nearly an average fashion model, and still want to lose an Irish setter.

Look into my tired eyes, see someone you don't recognise

I'm still tired and achey but I've been able to motivate myself a bit more the past couple of days. Thankfully. Even managed a trip to Tesco and made myself go down all the nice food aisles and resisted, check me out. Couldnt quite resist 2 flumps, but fuckit, they're flumps, how pointarific can they be??

Can't decide what to do tomorrow. Rode FatHorse this morning without the gelpad, can't decide if she was better or worse than normal. We really need to work on halting and not marching off because she's bored. Falling in is becomming a proper pain in the arse and we had a big argument over it. I'm going to lunge her tomorrow I think, and go for a run before hand, if I can get myself up in the morning. May gym before FatClub (yes, I'm going) if I'm not dead on my feet by then.

This is all obviously dependant on me getting up. I'm not especially hopeful, I'll be honest.

Food mostly been ok today. Annoyed with myself for losing my temper with the FatHorse.

Positivity can wait

Although I do feel 80% better since I went for a run after work. Went to Golden Acre and somehow managed to get lost. How I have no idea, considering there's a track, but I got lost. Think I did about 2.7miles. Took 33minutes. Walked a LOT, but while I was hating myself earlier, it's the first time I've been for an outside run since before FatHorse kicked me so I should be happy, really. I;ll try and keep telling myself that, but I have a niggly little ... niggle that tells me I *could* have run for longer. And further, my getting lost cut a decent chunk off it. Might do the stable run tomorrow. Or round Danefield perhaps.

My electric fencing keeps getting uber loose, not sure how :S Didnt ride (again). WILL get back on tomorrow. Will get some more schooling ideas. Or go round Danefield. Or the triangle. Am fed up of the poxy bridleway and so is a FatHorse. Arses, can't hack, her toes are still sore. Still, farrier due this week, she's getting front shoes on.

Have stuck to points so far today. Not even tempted by some pasta in my veg curry. Could eat pretty much anything you cared to put in front of me though, still :blush: Tomorrow will be a test, unless I can keep myself out of the house most of the day. I really must have a big sort out and ebay a load of stuff, I desperately need the money now.

Last miserable post. Promise.

Well, I'll try.

So, I am now 14.7lbs (on my scales). So thats three quarters of a stone put on in the last 2.5 weeks. Thats not great, especially as we go on holiday in just over 4 weeks. If I'm super-good I might get to be under 14stone, but I do have to be super good.

I can make a million excuses, the main one at the minute is I have a infuriating cold that just wont develop into a real cold, but at the minute is leaving me snufly, achey and extra tired, which means I can't motivate myself to do anything. This is what pisses me off, I suspect if I could just kick myself up the arse and GO, I'd be able to do it without dying (chest also feels tight), I'd feel better for going and I'd be (hopefully) starting to lose weight again...

Yeah. Today I will eat well, I will do some form of exercise today, whether thats wii fit, a run or riding and I will start losing weight again. Hopefully.

I'm not even entirely sure why I'm blogging this...

I just repeat myself over and over.

We're off to Iceland in 31 (squeee) days. I have not lost even approaching 20lbs, it's looking doubtful I'll be under 14stone now, let alone under 13 like I so desperately wanted to. OK, my knee didnt help, but otherwise all my motivation has gone, I can see me still being like this in December, bitching and whining I havent lost any weight.

I KNOW why I havent lost any, I just dont know where my enthusiasm for gym/dieting/riding/anything has gone. Had to force myself to ride this morning, I rode badly and FatHorse either felt the same way or else she was just being spectacularly ungenuine so we called it a day after about 15 minutes. I'm getting shoes put on her fronts next week, so hopefully will hack out a bit more (ha).

I'm a bit scared as to why enthusiasm has dipped, this is what happened at exactly the same time last year with the gym. Although just recently I've wondered about going swimming again. Unsure as to whether it's cos I'm thinking of Iceland or cos it's hot or what. I'm eating so much rubbish too, I dont know why. I eat it, KNOWING I'm going to regret eating it, but I do it anyway. I never point my food anymore either.

All rubbish. I should be saving money for Iceland - I've saved 60quid so far, and as I need to go holiday shopping (:|) beforehand, that will disappear before we've even left Leeds - cos I'm so porky I need a Bravissimo costume (if they have them in my size :S) which are 50odd quid each.

I'm so tired today, I really can't get myself enthusiastic about anything. If I had a hangover, I'd at least understand why but nothing.

Must stop whinging and start doing stuff and making my blog a much more positive place to be.

Quickly

as I should b getting ready - busy day (hopefully...)

Need to get arse into gear and go down to the gym, then go up and bath a fathorse and dye it pink, before getting yard ready for BBQ tonight.

Also still thinking about New Yards. Fathorse might be settled and happy there, but :dunno: I like it a lot up there, but I'm there cos it's so convenient mainly. I'm not convinced a FatHorse will be looked after the way I want her to be while I'm away so I'm starting to panic about that.

What to do, what to dooooo??

(the answer, in the shortterm is to stop procrastinating and go get dressed and get moving. I'm going to be lucky to be under 14stone now, let alone under 13 :bawling: )

better day

Although Steph and I arranged to do our jumping tonight, so we could just concentrate on the BBQ tomorrow and I completely forgot I was meant to be at Chris' sisters for (another) Body Shop party. Oops.

Jumping was 'ok'. FatHorse was a nappy little bitch and would NOT go forwards at all, until we started jumping then I just had to sit and pray.

Party was also ok...only a couple of people there I didnt know, it was..well, ok. It didnt help I was half an hour late though. Bought some shimmer eye cubes...they looked nice but I'll use them once and then never again and some brushes.

Not a 'bad' food day, but not a great one either, especially as I was intending on going to the gym after jumping so wasnt as good as I could have been. Still, food ban tomorrow, until the BBQ anyway. Going to ferret away a bottle of vodka that only I know about.

Not sure how I'll get the car back though. Might need to go for a head-clearing walk up there Saturday morning lol

Dont know what the hell's happening

*shrug*

I 'slept' in the living room last night then got up to ride t'nag and sort her out, by the time I got to work, everything was completely normal? And he's arranging what we're doing when in Iceland. So I assume it's all good. I'm going gay next I think. Much les hassle, I'm sure.

Riding was fun this morning. We went in the field cos the arena was still under water, I DID thin about going out for a hack, but decided I wasn't quite suicidal just yet - thankfully I think. FatHorse was highly excited about being in the field and we spentmost of the ride (about half an hour) in canter, just bouncing about, totally and utterly overbent, snortysnorty and froth flying everywhere. I didn't jump. Thought about it, then remembered the knee is only just really ok - painkillers work if you up the dose!! - and actually I quite wanted to be alive. So, Friday, I think, I will die. I might try in the arena tomorrow. Might. Chris has just cheerfully informed me it's pissing it down, so I might be hacking out anyway. She's getting front shoes on next week.

Her wellies are rubbish, they've let mud and crap in everywhere, must see how much neoprene costs and see if Sues mum can make me some. Think they'll have to go under her heels though as I think thats where they let most of the crap in. So, that was an amazing waste of #70.

I've added up my work account. I'm hunting for stuff to sell, frantically. It's over 500quid - there's the clippers, the spare blades, the electric fencing, then the reins/breastplate etc. I'm sure I don't need two kidneys, I could ebay one I'm sure.

Gym was good tonight. Did my quick workout - did 15mins on treadmill, 5% incline 6.5mph on the work minutes, did that for 15mins, then rower wasn't too bad. Cross trainer was a bit rubbish but 'ok'. Can't decide whether to gym tomorrow or go running. Will see what Fanny's up to. I got on the scales tonight and I really will be lucky to make it under 14stone, let alone under 13 for Iceland. In fact, the only way I'll get under 13stone is if I suddenly develop dysentry or something. I still think I should be 'happy' if I get to 13.7 but I can't see myself doing it somehow. I still want to try running and swimming in Iceland, either one or the other daily.

So far, we land in Iceland on Tuesday night at (GMT) midnight, so suspect we'll just fall into bed. Wednesday we're going Gulfoss and Geysir, Thursday we're pony-riding and whale watching (if they accept I'm in their weight limit - am yet to find out if they have one. Friday I think we're just going to see what we feel like doing, Saturday I have earmarked for shopping, Sunday we're off to the Blue Lagoon and we come back on Monday.

I feel so shit about how I've behaved towards Nicola. I'm having the same done bakc to me and it's shit, I hate it, and the more it happens the more I keep pushing stuff, which is exactly what she does. I;m such a bitch, have no idea how I can make it up to her :S

That, appears to be that.

I think I am now single again.

Urgh

I feel sick, I disgust myself.

Food ban tomorrow.

RubbishRUBBISH.R.U.B.B.I.S.H.

ARGH, I am so CROSS with myself, I dont think I really want to get thin at all, after all. Why else would I decide that I dont want the tea I've ALREADY MADE and have takeaway-pizza (not even 'healthy' chris pizza) and cheesey garlic bread instead?!?! And not only that I'm having a fatpig dessert too. I'm such a twat, I really do astound myself.

Do I forget that I'm going on holiday in 5 weeks, which requires the wearing of a swimming costume, in front of other people, and, in fact, being naked in front of other people :bawling: I think I'm going to have to stick a picture of The Holy Bible album cover on all the cupboards just to remind myself what I look like.

FUCK.

Work infuriated me too, have been given go ahead to say who I want to take with me when I 'leave', said I'd already chosen so got to tell her this afternoon, and then she told us she was very excited about the opportunity etcetc blahblahblah but she thought her & B might be moving in Feb. I'm so CROSS, I want her and only her and I can't recruit from outside cos otherwise that will REALLY set pigeons lose at work, but no, no, no, I dont WANT anyone else, V & I just understand each other perfectly, we work amazingly together and no one else is good enough. It's not her fault, obviously, it's not anyones fault, but I was so excited about doing this with her. I'm sure something will work out.

I'm so cross with myself, I feel sick now.

Gymmed tonight, didnt ride. Gym was rubbish as well, did my 3 miles but had to keep walking. Will try again tomorrow night. Not going to FatClub. No point, I'll just feel even worse than I do now. Must ride Wednesday night, they're shooting tomorrow evening and as she was wild tonight, I suspect it will be suicidal to try tomorrow with the shooting too. Just hope the school is dry, I have little self preservation at the minute, but even I'm not stupid enough to hack her out after a weeks box rest.

Stupid knee, stupid horse, stupid gym, stupid food, stupid ME, AAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Panicking nice and early:

1. The plane will crash
2. You are legally obliged ( :huh: ) to shower - naked - before getting into pools in Iceland. There are attendants to ensure you do. Not even Christopher gets to see me naked. This is almost enough to make me want to cancel the whole thing.
3. They'll say I'm too heavy for the ponies.
4. I'll see some nice clothes and I won't be able to buy them because they won't fit.
5. The scars on my legs. They're so obvious, both in visibilty and what they are. And like a twat I keep adding to them.
6. EVERYTHING I've read keeps going on about how stunning Icelandic girls are. What if Chris compares us?
7. Luggage gets searched for razorblades etc. Humm.

There was more stuff I was worrying about earlier. Can't remember what it was now.

I reallyreally want to go swimming every day (despite worry *2) and running - I've looked at the map where the B&B is, and the roads APPEAR nice and straightforward. Plus the pool is just down the road from the B&B. And we'll be riding (once) although I can't see that it'll be 'active'.

5 weeks now till we go.

Didnt ride FatHorse today :( They were shooting behind the arena and she was being a dick just in the yard. Decided with no saddle I'd be safer not riding. Going to ride tomorrow eve though, see how the knee holds up and if it's ok will go to the gym.

Jumpathon on Friday. I want to do it but I cant be arsed with the BBQ afterwards. No one I know will be there, Chris will be BBQing and I'll just sit with him and eat rubbish. And get drunk and send many abusive 'you fuckers, you said you'd be here for me' texts. Maybe I'll just leave my phone at home.

crosscrosscross

FoodBan was RUBBISH and I have put on yet more weight today - no exercise (no walking on Danefield for me) and have eaten lots of cheese, and icecream. Obviously not together.

Looks like I am going to have to take out a small mortgage to afford a swimming costume for Iceland...really I need 2, I want to go in the Blue Lagoon and a geyser...on seperate days, plus every website comments on the amount of swimming pools about. I should start swimming again.

I'm so cross with myself, I WAS doing really well and looked like I *might* do the 20lbs before Iceland. Now I only have 5 weeks left to go and it looks like I'll struggle to get to 13.7, let alone below 13 :bawling:

At least though it looks like we can be quite active in Iceland - the roads look fairly straight forward so if the urge arises, I can go for a run, we're going riding and hopefully lots of swimming if I can get my legs and belly out. I say we're going riding, what if they say the horses cant carry me? They're only spindly legged things, not like a FatHorse.

Speaking of said FatHorse, I'm going to get back on her tomorrow. She has porked out something chronic. So it doesnt knacker up my knee much more I'm going to attempt bareback, so lots of schooling in walk. Could be fun, could be insanely boring. Wont attempt trot, I WILL fall off, so will save that for when the knee is better.

What else do I need for Iceland? Going to get my hair done before we go and 2 x swimming costumes. I can't actually imagine I need anything else...

HOW MUCH???

I got on the scales this morning :bawling: So, rubbish eating from Wednesday - yesterday evening and no exercise means I've put on THREE QUARTERS OF A STONE :bawling: :bawling:

Food Ban today :nod: Will see how I feel re the walk round Danefield later, my knee is niggly now and all I've done is the hoovering.

Today is taking so long to get started, didnt roll out of bed till half 10 - what is WRONG with me? I'm never like that.

Starting to think about Iceland stuff in more detail now :biggrin: Being under 13stone for it is clearly never going to happen, so will settle for 13.7lbs and I will not hate myself for it. Just hope none of the ponytrekking have any weight limits :S. What if they make me get on scales? And before you get in any pool (this will include the geysers and the blue lagoon) you legally have to shower naked. NOW I am panicking!!

Got Stuck

I had 2 very bad ideas today. The first one was driving, to be honest. Very painful and interesting getting out of the car when you can't bend your right leg. Wasn't so bad when I was up at the yard - no one could see me. When in town, however, not so inconspicuous. The second ridiculous idea, was taking FatHorse out for some grass. And then accidentally positioning her so I could scramble on. It wasnt pretty, but it was nice to be on her again, bareback. Just mooched round the arena for a bit, then she went and grazed round the yard (it's dry) while I pretended I was cool with that. Really wasnt, but in a headcollar and leadrope and only 1 working leg I didnt have much say in the matter. Am highly thankful that Sue went and shut the field gate, the little bugger was inching over towards it, and I'd have been on the floor in seconds if she'd made it in there. As it was, I got stuck :rolleyes: so had to go back in the arena and 'fall off' to get off her. Hurt like buggery but ok now.

Have to wear a knee support and take some rubbish painkillers. Not much else happened today. Her paw is looking really good, if you ignore the fact the hair round the really manky bits has gone green :unsure:

Rubbish painkillers and knee support though mean that walking is less painful than it was. Am tempted to try a walk tomorrow. A run IS pushing it, but a walk should be ok. Danefield perhaps?

I am turning into Nicola as well. I must be less infuriated with her. Also must look into booking PonyRides in Iceland/Blue Lagoon etc. We have an extra day and a half there now, can't wait!! Must also get back on the diet. Last 2 days I've eaten a weeks worth of points. I darent get on the scales.

Fed up

Am fed up, tired, grumpy and just generally meh.

Havent been into work today cos of the knee, which is still swollen and lumpy, but less hot. Still no bruising though which is upsetting me greatly, I wanted war wounds dammit. Chris came up before and after work to help me do the horses, which was lovely. He did nets and waters and skipped out while I pandered to The Paw. Not sure if it's less sore now or what, but I am allowed to wash it now, with only a couple of attempts at snatching and 'I might kick you, just try it'. Was a case of standing still and holding my breath to see if she would because I cant get out the way quick enough lol. She hasnt (yet) though.

Still can't get over the quantities of ABs she has though.

Hobbled round to the shop this morning and got a load of magazines
and rubbish food, which I ate ALL of, as well as food-from-here-lunch. Obviously no chance of any exercise which has made me feel a bit shit, but I didnt sleep last night either so that's not helping the mood. PLus it takes me 5 minutes to get anywhere at the minute.

Back to work tomorrow - phone is running out of battery so need to go back for my charger if nothing else lol. If I can work, I'll attempt the gym maybe in the evening, but no running :( Even I'll accept I cant do it today. Chris keeps twittering on about minor injuries which is unnecessary. It was fine when I strapped it up, but vetwrap isnt the best for over knees. Might see if I can get a tubigrip or something tomorrow.

silly old horse

little baggage has kicked me when I was trying to sort out her leg this morning. Knee is now less knee-shaped and more fat-balloon-with-an-interesting-extra-lump shaped. Very sore.

And I have man flu.

Nearly bedtime...

I'm so tired, today has been such a long day.

Woke up at 3am, and never went back to sleep, was terrified about what we'd find under FatHorses fluff, so groomed the cat, did some washing, put it away, came on tinternet....

Found my Heiniger clippers yesterday, however sans blades. Plan was I'd ring round local tack shops and buy some (40quid) blades before going up to sort t'nag out. Therein lies my problem - I'd made a PLAN. Nowhere had any blades. I tried everywhere in a 20 mile radius to no avail. So, plan B was to buy a new set of clippers from work, at 220quid. It's gone on my account, along with the electric fencing and I'm Forgetting About It, for now. Still, they are cool. Very light. Tensioning them is a bugger though. So I have a set of brand new (used once!!) Heinigers to sell, once I've found some blades to go with them.

Finished the banking at work and then met Nicola & her boss at yard. Gave FH enough sedative to fell an elephant - Nicola has seen her fight sedation when having legs clipped before - and I started clipping. To be fair, it isnt as much of a mess as we were expecting. She has 3 seperate infection sites though, and her leg is to be washed, dried and redressed 3 times a day and she has a steroid cream to have on too (wonder if it'll improve my gymness?). And she's on a weeks on antibiotics. Only got the one leg clipped, so she looks a bit of a twat at the minute. Her leg is everso swollen though :( she's on box rest for a week. Can't even turn her out in the yard apparently, in case she gets mank in it all. I've ordered some more turnout boots for her and she is to wear them even while being ridden, when I can ride again.

Then had to rush home and get showered and changed (am still allergic to clipper oil by looks of things, 3 showers later I've still got a rash) and down to Bus.Focus for this meeting. Took an hour and a half to decide something that should have taken 20 minutes and not involved the geekycomputer boys already. Still, am shocked at what the budget appears to be, and it looks like I have 18months to turn this into a success. No pressure then. This is including the set up before it all goes live. I'm excited though, I want to get cracking.

BY the time I got to work was dead on my feet, and I'm sure I had a AMTRA mystery shopper in. If she was, I'm fucked, because I was short tempered and gave her the bare minimum of information.

Managed the gym, although I didnt do the fatbusting program, I just went on the treadmill for 35 minutes. Did 3.25miles. Was ok. I swear I walked out asleep. Had lost 1lb at FatClub so I guess it was worth it, although if I'd remembered to take my water in and had had a drink, I'd have put 2lbs on. Must be good this week. I say that, but Chris had bought me some Phish Food to cheer me up tonight. Was good though.

I'm tired now, but I can guarentee I'll get into bed and wake up. Can;t decide how long it will take me to sort The Leg out tomorrow. I can't imagine for a second she'll be as amenable about me dealing with it with no sedation. She was lame when I checked her this afternoon, but I suppose it's to be expected with the scrubbing it got this morning. Need to buy a huge roll of cotton wool and some latex gloves. I got her a stable lick for while she's in. The packaging claims it will last the average horse 3 weeks. I give it an hour with a Fat Horse, judging by her reaction to it.

Can't sleep

Fell asleep easily enough but woke up at 3am, and am now wide awake.

Utterly terrified at what we're going to find on/in FatHorses leg this morning. Not sure how it's all going to work realy. Going to go into work in breeches and work top (sexy), do the banking, then race into town (or to Beavers, wherever sells them) get some clipper blades (I found my 'new' clippers!) then meet Nicola at the yard where she shall sedate and I will attempt to clip.

I have a meeting at 1pm though at Bus.focus with JB and some internet guy and not sure if I'll realistically be done by then :S especially as I'll need to go home and get showered if I'm not going to scratch constantly. Plus I need to keep going back up there to make sure she comes out the sedation ok.

FatClub tonight as well and I intend on going to the gym after work being as it was so successful last week.

Hope her leg is ok. Part of me is saying she's still sound and she's mostly ok about *me* touching it. The other part keeps pointing out it stinks and there's flies about and I know it's going to be a mess. I'm so cross with myself for not keeping on top of it and not realising it wasnt mud fever when all the mud fever treatment wasnt working :bawling: At least Nicola thinks we should be able to avoid antibiotics.

Poor old FatHorse. :(

I'm knackered

Up at 6am like normal to go up and ride and do stable jobs. Had tacked up and was just picking her feet out, thought her off hind was a bit stinky, picked it up and :puke: pus was nestling all over her heel. So rang Nicola ( :blush: ) and arranged for her to come out tonight.

Work was ok, busy. But good. I didn't make a list of things to acheive today, but it's been a good (well, you know) day regardless.

Went for a run after work round GA, walked more than when I went with the group, but took 5 minutes less, apparently?? Was quite nice, was raining so not many people out. I like that, no one can hear me struggling for breath. Then went up to the yard to wait for Nicola, who didnt turn up till half 8. We're going to clip FH's legs tomorrow cos she wasnt going to let Nicola see what was going on either and it's not good, I dont think. She's still sound though and hopefully we can do without antibiotics.

So, got home about an hour ago. Tired and desperate for bed now, but I know as soon as I get in I'll wake up!!

If I can't be stellar, I won't get out of bed...

Words I should pay more attention too, maybe. Make everyday stellar, set out to achieve something every day and be proud when you do it. In fact, I might even do that, rather than just think about doing it.

Why is it, that when I am nowhere near my computer, I can think of a million things I'd blog, but now I'm sat here, all ready to type up todays thoughts and musings, my mind is an utter blank?

I was thinking about having kids the other night (last night??). I'm not entirely against the idea of having kids IN THE FUTURE, but is it wrong that I can think of far more reasons NOT to have kids than I can reasons TO have kids? And it's not stuff that's going to change overly much either. Hmmm.

Rubbish with food today, for no real reason it's been a chocolate hobnobs day. And also a load of other rubbish day. oh well. MUST be good tomorrow and Tuesday. Should have gone for a run this evening really, but the idea of stuffing myself with food was much preferable and now....I've had a bath and the moment has gone. Funny that. Briefly entertained the idea of doing Wii Fit earlier, but that sems to have gone by the wayside too. Lazy cow.

Rode FatHorse before gym & work this morning - went across the road and down the by way, then back up ECR and back along Yorkgate. Took 25 minutes. Shame really that Yorkgate is far too busy to do that ride on a morning, it would be perfect. Was going to go in the school and practise some RWYM stuff I'd read last night but school was totally underwater. Am hoping Soph and Gunner have stayed in tonight cos then I can ride in the field if it's not raining in the morning. Don't know why but FH seems to be a pain in the arse on a bridleway but golden on the road. Maybe I'm less uptight on the road? Who knows? Whatever, we got round with no MadEquus McMad moments - yay the FatHorse. Did forget my hat though, needed to go back for it PDQ. Doesnt bother me riding in the school without it, but not out hacking.

Gym was gooood. Did 10minutes on the treadmill rest = 0% incline 4mph 1 minute, work = 4% incline 6.5mph, 1m30secs. Was knackered when I came off. Rower wasnt bad, but not great either, and cross trainer was good too, although the last 2 minutes were pure torture and closer to 60 speed than 70. Forgot my belt too for my jeans, ended up borrowing Stu's. Forgot to give it back tonight, oops.

All I've really done tonight is eat :( Might give FatClub a miss on Tuesday night, it's really bad. I'm embarrassed to admit what I've eaten.

This will come to nothing, but...

I've decided that once I reach a respectable weight, FatHorse and I will go and spend 4 days with Mary Wanless (http://www.mary-wanless.com/ ) there's no local inctructors....nearest is Scarborough and I cant afford to pay her petrol money as well as for the lesson on a monthly basis. This is, obviously, dependant on me a/ getting thin, b/ saving the money for it - it will cost almost as much as Iceland is costing and c/ finding a way of getting FatHorse and I down there. Multimap claims its nearly 4 hours in a car.

It's something to attempt to aim for anyway.

I must ride FatHorse tonight. I dont know what's wrong with me at the minute, maybe I just dont like having days off anymore LOL. I just can't work up the energy to do anything really. Kind of want to go for a run, but can't really be arsed and definately can't be arsed with the gym today.

Am very excited about the Olympics, DESPERATELY want to go and watch the eventing in 2012 now. I always get really patriotic during the Olympics and a little bit jealous too LOL. I can't even imagine being part of something like that, it must feel AMAZING.

Oooh, the RWYM instructor does courses too - http://rowbrowfarm.tripod.com/riding_courses.htm but the snob in me wants a lesson from MW herself. Maybe I could go to Scarborough first then work up to a real MW lesson...?

A (not very) successful day

I have:

Had a shit gym session

Electrocuted the FatHorse (I have The Guilt now)

Eaten FAR too much

Done no other exercise

Made Chris cry

Not bad going hey

Hmmm

I'm having a lazy, eat all the pies day today. I can't get motivated at all.

Well, I went to the gym at 8am (couldnt stay asleep, had been up since half 6), then went up and did the nags, havent ridden (and dont feel like riding), just mucked out her stable from yesterday, gave them all haylage and scrubbed her water bucket and refilled it. Also moved her fencing out again. Little bugger has been leaning on the fence to get to more grass and sticking her head through the 2 lines of tape, so I put the energiser on it. God love her, she had the shock (haha) of her life, I feel almost sorry for her lol. She did it twice more then seemed to remember it bit, but everything was snorted at and generally made a high drama of for a while afterwards.

Have also walked into town and spent a ridiculous amount of money in Netto - getting the alcohol for the jumpathon. Really not looking forward to it now, none of my friends are coming and I can just imagine Chris and I sitting with the BBQ all night. Oh well, it's all for charity...

I've been thinking about some stuff Nicola said the other night and the more I think about, the more offended I get. I know the logical thing to do would be to not think about it, but I cant stop dwelling on it. But I cant decide if what she said was offensive or just fact. Chris was off being pissed somewhere so I cant even ask him.

I'm so tired now, I should finish tidying but can't even be arsed to stand up. Was planning on going for a run this afternoon, but....nah.

Grrrr

Hmm. Last night actually ended up being quite fun. Maybe I just can't cope with her when she's single? He sounds lovely though and I hope he looks after her properly.

Was meant to ride this morning but I woke up at half 5 and it was bouncing down, went back to sleep and it was still raining hard when the alarm went off at 6.15, so decided I wasnt going to ride and (attempted) to sleep a little longer. It's now dry as a bone and I COULD have ridden and I'm cross now that I havent.

Can't decide whether to gym or run tonight. At the minute I dont really feel like doing either. Two (big, admittedly) glasses of wine last night and I feel rubbish! I'm nearly as bad as Christopher LOL.

fatfatfat

Urgh, I feel fat already. Today at lunch there was a minor slip up with some thorntons fudge AND some ginger cake and tonight cos Nicola is coming round, we're having pizza, garlic bread and wine.

Can't wait though, I'm such a pig.

Work still tense, went to the gym before work this morning, was lovely. Only 3 of us in. Still couldnt get on the cross trainer though, so did bike instead as fast as I could. Only program 1 though cos I"m thick and can't work out how to change the levels. Did 15 minutes on that (think it was 6km), 30 seconds work/10seconds rest X 10 on the rower and on the treadmill...ta-dah!! 1 minute rest (0% incline, 4mph) and work 80seconds on 4% incline and at 6.5mph. I might try 5% next time, see how I go. Only did that for 10 minutes though. Rode tonight and she was A Good Pony, even did some little jumping - not as big as yesterday though. Friends little boy is coming over tomorrow night to 'ride' her (he's 5) so I'm going to ride in the morning to make sure she's calm in the evening lol. I can't decide whether to gym after they've gone, or go for a run. Or just do bugger all.Check me out having dilemmas over exercise.

I'm so hungry, I can't wait for this pizza to be ready.

FatHorse is out in her LW run tonight to make sure I can ride in the morning (is raining now) so I fully expect that to be trashed tomorrow.

And mum rang, she's lost one of the kittens :bawling: She's really upset and I dont know what to say to her.

Tired

As ever.

Work has been odd today. One member of staff ended up having to go to hospital thanks to some new spray we were using to control mites, but it turns out that not only have we just poisoned a staff member, but we may have just inadvertently written off a load of stock by using the spray on it. The word 'fuck' sums it up quite nicely, I think. Now D has rung up to say his girlfriends mother has just died and he doesnt think he'll make it in Thursday or Friday - so I think I've just waved goodbye to my days off this week. I feel awful for minding, but... I do. I dont mind working all hour if I'm going to get paid for it, but I've been told no more for definate now.

Rode the FatHorse this morning - we jumped the dizzying heights of 2ft, check us out. We'll maybe not do that too many times, I felt sick going in, and sick afterwards for fucking ages lol.

I'm not going to get much done tomorrow at work, I can tell.

Gymmed tonight before FatClub, it worked lol, they think I've lost 2lbs. Well, gym + semi food ban for the day. So that wasnt bad. Shame I've spoilt it all by having the biggest bowl ever of cheesey pasta and chocolate chip brioche!! Tomorrow night is another bad night - garlic bread, pizza and wine. Have invited Nicola over as its her birthday at the weekend and I have ensured I'm busy, but I'm fed up of being a shit friend so she's coming tomorrow instead. I will become A Good Person.

Can't decide what to do in the morning. It's raining now, so if it's been wet all night/still raining in morning, as FH is out at the minute, riding will be out the window, so will just go up, throw some haylage at the ones that are in and go to the gym instead. Maybe. If it's dry I'll ride in morning like normal and then gym in evening.

Gym tonight was rubbish, although it was lovely and empty. Had to go on the bike rather than the x-trainer cos people kept getting on them before me and on the treadmill, i ended up having to put the incline down. Only did 10minutes on that too. Pathetic. Tomorrow I'll do better.

Mum still has 3 kittens and the mum, they all seem to be doing well at the minute. Mum thinks they were just too old when they were born as they actually seem about a week old, not a day old at the minute - eyes are opening, ears are up and their points coming through already. Can't wait to see them. She's panicking they're doing too well though and this is the good bit before she loses them all. She's also decided to stop breeding. I can't decide if I believe her or not.

Raaahhh

We're not talking about weight today. I didnt have much sleep last night (WHY???) and I was fine until about midday (ie, I'd eaten all my lunch bar the porridge & banana) when Fanny announced she was off to Weegemans. I resisted for approximately 5 seconds, then got a hot ham sandwich, a scotch egg AND a flapjack. The scotch egg and flapjack were both gooood but the sandwich was RUBBISH. So not only do I have food-guilt, it's over some rubbishy shit sandwich I didnt even enjoy. Rahhhhh, indeed.How to lose 5lbs (and keep it off) overnight?

Work was rubbish, although got my final bonus figure. That isn't rubbish, but seeing the amount I have on my credit card IS. Ouch. Work wasnt rubbish, actually, *I* was rubbish. Very lazy and even tiredness doesnt excuse it.

Went running with TAM after work, panicked a bit when we got to Golden Acre and there were the 2 others there as well, all four of us were running :eek: Tried to wriggle out of it, but wasnt allowed and OMG if it wasnt a REALLY GOOD run. We didnt go far - 2.3miles but we (all - inc me!!) ran the first 2miles without stopping (the last 0.3 was up a steep hill, so none of us did that). Only managed it cos the first bit was all downhill and the rest of it till the very end was flat, but hey, I did it, and I POSSIBLY could have gone round again, with a walk break. I might try it again sometime, it was nice. We're going to do Swinsty next Monday night. That I'm not looking forward to so much.

Rode FatHorse after the run, I really shouldnt have. Neither of us were really in the mood and she was a stubborn, nappy, backwards thinking pain in the arse and I lost my temper too quickly. Got off after 20minutes before I did something I regretted.

Mum rang earlier, her queen (bellys mum) went into labour early this morning, but had dificulties, so she ended up going in for a cesarian. There was 5 kittens, but they've lost 2. Mum cant decide if she wants to keep one or not (she doesnt know sexes yet) but has said it's the last litter she's having. Still undecided about Bellyboo, she is gagging for it at the minute and everyone in Otley knows about it.

Hope I sleep tonight.

Grumpy....

I'm not riding this morning, which has annoyed me, but after having approximately 2 minutes sleep, I've woken up in a bad mood and I just know we'll wind each other up something chronic. Can't help feel I'm a lazy bitch though. Could have/should have gone to the gym instead. Still running tonight with TAM.

I think I've done something to the right side of my chest, slept funny or something, it hurts a little.

Did think about having today off as holiday, but can't really be arsed with the questions and comments I'll get. I wish I could just take a month off from everything, get my head together and go back feeling good.

It's a definate gain week this week. I might forget FatClub tomorrow.

Bah

I'm so tired. Went up to the yard and rode before going to the gym. Don't know what had got into FatHorse, but she was an argumentative pain in the arse. I can't decide whether to leave the flash off (could be a bad move) or put a martingale on her. Or just to lunge her, but I could do with riding really - re-establish that we CAN go round corners without falling in or generally being a cow.

Gym was 'ok' - if I'm honest it was a bit rubbish, but I was giving myself benefit of doubt having just ridden. I was being too kind to myself, it was a shit gym, I ended up doing the last work 70seconds at 3% incline and the cross trainer was bollocks, I dont think I made it over 65 on the 'fast' section once. Rower was ok though I guess. No time for thin-arms or stretching. I dont know why I'm still late on a Sunday morning. I shouldnt be.

Work was good, very busy to start with but utterly dead all afternoon, so we ended up not taking a great deal at all. Got some new stock out and have ordered some more new things. I'm getting as bad as chris, hope it sells :S, there isnt room for it NOT to.

I did think about riding again tonight, but ended up just going for a pat. She couldnt care less. Soon as she realised I had no food for her, she just trundled off, no interest in cuddles whatsoever. Ungrateful old bitch.

Went for a run tonight as well, it was shit too. Walked far more than I ran. I'm doubly cross too cos I was too embarrassed to run in front of a bunch of chavs so I ended up walking far more than I should have done. Stupid AND rubbish. Mapmyrun says it was just under 3.5miles though so I should maybe do that one a bit more often, practise it, until I can run the lot. There are a *few* hills though...

I think the next time I go running I'll try Fewston, just a bit scared I'll get lost :rolleyes: I dont really remember the way (I've been round it once) but I do remember a bizarre twisty bit around a car park, which is where I have every potential to get lost. Hmmm.

Jumpathon the week after next. Everyone I've invited has either forgotten, made other plans or just plain refuses to say yes or no. So I'm going to know 4 people there and look like a twat too. I dont want to do it anymore, because I am a spoilt brat.

Might attempt Fewston on Friday, I think. Oh God, I need to get Nicola a birthday present. Her birthday is Saturday. And arrange to do something with her. What to get her?

Hello, good evening, welcome to nothing much

It's been a weird day.

Been up since 5.30 as S has broken her foot and Steph went to Myerscough Futurity so I was only one about to do t'nags. Did it all though AND rode, all before work check me out. FatHorse was...ok. But then I dont think I rode as well as I could have done. Pissed it down while I rode as well, then it's been glorious sunshine all day. Typical. Have left FH, Soph and Gunnner out tonight, despite the fact their stables are all ready, was such a nice night. Have left FH naked, it'll rain overnight now and I'll not be able to ride in the morning, you watch. Just got her and Lu to swap in the morning, do haylage for the indoor3, sort t'dog out and ride. Oh, and waters, natch. Should be doable without getting up at 6am...

B hasnt said thank you for her leaving present. Not to me, anyway. I would love to say I'm shocked, but I'm really not. Silly bitch.

I did my measurements this morning and have lost a big fat nothing over the last month, whats happened there? :bawling: I think I've run more and gymmed more in the last month than ever. Soon it will kick in and I'll feel rubbish, but right now, it just doesnt feel right. Very odd. I know I SHOULD be feeling rubbish, but right now, I dont. It's very disconcerting.

Went for a run tonight though, am pleased I went, about 2pm I was going to give it up as a bad idea and play on wii fit instead, but although it was a rubbish run, at least I did it. What is with this un-negative thinking? It can't last. My Nike+ is getting more and more odd though, reckoned this run (the exact same one it measured at 3.44miles) was 1.84miles. I know I walked more, but nearly 2 miles out? Eek. Almost wish I could go out again, feel full of energy again. All odd this week, I havent liked it at all.

Not sure I can be bothered to school in the morning, but no quick hacks, other than the bridleway I ran round the other day and I am bored to tears of that now.

Now I'm getting cross. This is much more like it.

August rubbish measurements

Saturday August 2nd
L. calf - 17
R. calf - 17.5
L. thigh - 26.5
R. thigh - 27
Hips (inc tummy)- 45
top hips (on bellybutton)- 44
waist - 35.5
under boobs - 34
L upper arm - 13.5
R upper arm - 13

Wednesday July 2nd
L. calf - 17
R. calf - 17.5
L. thigh - 27
R. thigh - 27
Hips (inc tummy)- 46
top hips (on bellybutton)- 43
waist - 37
under boobs - 32
L upper arm - 14
R upper arm - 13

A grand total of ... zero inches lost, I believe. Fuck.

This was the day

I was meant to have got to my goal weight.

Nowhere near it.

One day I'll manage it, then fuck it all up. You know it's going to happen.

Not sure what happened there

Was fine yesterday morning, feeling a bit lazy and by the time I'd worked up the energy to get dressed and go to the yard, S had already been and got FatHorse in AND mucked out done her water and hay :blush: so patted her, told her she was a good pony, and came back home.

Took a bit longer to work up the energy to go to HGate and get B a maternity present - felt really tight only getting her #20 from Mothercare as a work present so went to Lush and got her some babyish-related stuff as well. Said I wasnt bothered if I got the money back from that, but have been given it anyway, so thats ok. Also accidentally went into New Look and got some jeans to thin into and a top with Debbie Harry on - love that. Wore it today. Also went to Waterstones and got some more books, and while I was in Lush I got me some more toys. And a DVD. I MUST STOP SPENDING. I have no money. My bonus is spent already and none of it has gone towards Iceland. Also had an accident with some rubbish food. Oreo cookies, pringles and croissants. Nipped into work to take B's stuff in, then by the time I got home I had the start of a headache. I know I went to the gym and had a FatScan (it's rubbish, I'm not even talking about it) - I have the print out here at home, but do you think I can remember it? Last thing I remember from yesterday is leaving work and thinking I should get some petrol (which I didnt do). I have clearly taken some migraine pills at some point because I've found the wrapper out by the bed. Chris says I was asleep when he got in from work and didnt wake up all evening.

Finally hauled myself out of bed at 8.30 this morning and did the horses. Intended on riding but didnt - a good plan I feel, given I still feel dizzy and a bit meh. What wasnt such a good plan, in hindsight, was going to the gym, but I needed to do something. I should attempt going for a run tomorrow night, if I dont ride. I should ride, she's had 2 days off now. Keep spontaneously falling asleep as well which is mildly disconcerting. Have done it twice since I got back from gym. Am not tired?!

We checked the ingredients in the Oreo cookies, cos I wondered if they had set off a migraine, but apparently it's all flavouring and colourings, so not that. I've had them before and been ok as well, which is why it's odd. I'm not stressed. The only other thing I can really put it down to is lack of sleep (I got about 2 hours sleep not last night-obviously-but the night before). But I've had less and been fine? Very odd. I obviously shouldnt have boasted about not having had one for months :lol:

Back at work tomorrow and have eaten shit yesterday and today and have put on weight. This week is a definate gain week. When I feel a bit better I'm sure I'll start to panic and worry but for now ... it's all good.

Gah

Today has been not bad in the grand scheme of things I suppose. Bit of a nothing day really.

Hacked out on FatHorse this morning. Just did the bridleway. It's official, I HATE hacking on my own with a passion. She was an arse on the bridleway, took us 10 minutes longer cos she was a spooky witch and proper-forwards just wasnt an option at all, she was just being a dick. Then we got onto the road, and this redeemed her 100% - we had all sorts of twats trying to squeeze past us at ridiculous speeds. Two cars wing mirrors even collided some twat was so desperate to get through and FatHorse, God love her, didnt even flinch. She did then spook at a sheep, but there were no cars, thankfully. So, I can't really decide to be cross cos she was a pain on bridleway, or be releived because when it mattered, she listened and was sensible. I'll be releived, I think. I desperately want to find someone to hack with though. Chris keeps promising he'll come out on his bike but he never does. I'm almost tempted to ask Nicola if she wants to run with us again. THATS how desperate I am. Thats awful, I must stop thinking like that. I am not a nice person at times.

Work was ok. Money gone again. I'm sure it's D. Spent all afternoon going through the CCTV but nothing.

Went to the gym, did the same as I managed on Monday, check me out!! And did thin-arms. Was tired by end, trundled off in a world of my own.

Been rubbish though. Rubbish. I'm still gutted that the Beth Orton tickets sold out. MSP are just playing their Heavenly songs on another date, but that's already sold out and I cant justify ebay prices on 6 songs. I'm still tempted by the Beth tickets though, it's just the idea of paying 7 times the face value... But...Bonus... Hmm..

:bawling:

:red-flap: :bawling: :bigtantrum:

Sold out.

I really dont know why I'm surprised

My FatFighting friend, who begged and pleaded with me to go to meetings with her because she didnt want to go on her own has given up. Reckons Slimming World will suit her better. I dont even know why I'm shocked she's bailed out on me, but there we go. I didnt even want to go.

I went tonight though. Lost 5lbs, apparently. I dont get it. How can I be uber good one week and not lose a fucking thing, then this week go over points every day and yet lose a substantial amount? It makes no sense. I would say I'm not complaining, but I really am - I'd love a loss like that every week which blatently isnt going to happen and it upsets me that I can't. Rubbish. More compliments, more rubbish. I dont like it, I didnt realise people took that much notice and I wish they didnt.

Was going to ride this morning, but when I woke up it was pissing it down, so I did the Bridleway Run instead. My Nike+ is rubbish, it said it was 0.87 miles, and it took me 31minutes, which is clearly bollocks as I ran most of it. Mapmyrun says it's 2.6miles - much more likely. It was raining though and I got drenched. Had to get chris to bring me dry pants and socks and a towel to work. I intended on riding tonight but I was knackered by time I got back from FatClub, so she's just gone back in the field. I nearly went up and put her rug on but darent cos it was still fairly hot and I know perfectly well she would have trashed it the second my back was turned. I'd like it to be at least a month old before she does that. MUST ride tomorrow, but I'll be pissed off if it's raining again. Metcheck assures me it wont be, but it has been wrong before.

Beth Orton is doing a gig in London on 13th September which I am beyond desperate to go to, but Stu is being horribly slow in replying to my text asking to swap the weekend. Am tempted to just buy the tickets, as I've just watched the platform sell out almost in front of my eyes. Am resisting the urge to text again...and again and again and again.... I have the hugest crush ever on Beth, if I dont end up looking like Shirley Manson, I'd 'settle' for Beth.

GOD DAMMIT TEXT ME BACK.

I should be really happy today

But somehow I'm not, and I dont know why. I know I SHOULD be.

I've found out what my estimated bonus is. It's a good one :nod: Will pay off credit card, put a healthy whack in the extension fund and boost the Iceland Savings Fund somewhat too. My payrise kicks in next week, thats an extra #30 a week after tax, which can go into The Iceland Fund up till we go and the extension thereafter. So money is kind of looking less of a struggle. So there's Reason One To Be Happy.

FatHorse has managed to stay out almost 24/7 since Saturday night and still has not colicked or anything stupid. Reason Two.

I went to the gym tonight, TAM couldnt make running - I was kind of relieved tbh. I'd worked myself up to doing The Bridleway Run (I dont know why it warrents capitals, but it just does in my head)....had even decided to go along Yorkgate first, as that was the bit I was really dreading and was almost looking forward to it, just pure nosiness to see how long it took, compared to being on FatHorse...and I wanted to use my Nike+ again lol, I do like nice shiney things. Then was told the gym was empty and it was, it was great. I'm even proud of what I did - treadmill 5% incline, 6.5mph for 70seconds on each work section to 15minutes, 15 rower intervals and then the cross trainer on level 15. Even did thin-arms. Reason Three I should be happy. It may not be a huge improvement, but it's the best I've done so far.

Reason 4 should be the best yet, but I think it's that that's one of the things that's made me all weird. A customer really complimented me on how I look now. It worries me...I forget how many people I see in a day. What if it all goes pear shaped, what if I get back into eating shit all day and all night? I do sometimes have to push myself to go to the gym or running, what if I give up? It would be so easy just to have a week off, which would turn into 2, which turns into a month...that's what happened at Aireboro. And then what would people think, when I get fatter again?

So that made me weird, added to the fact I had a disagreement with a girl at work, and the new work shirts I got don't fit (too small, natch) and Chris has got all weird about me being on the yard on my own or going running up there on my own, thanks to a sex attack in the forest, means that despite all the good stuff, I've actually been really rubbish all day.

It was (kind of) all going so well

Bah. I've been rubbish with food tonight :( No reason, just being a greedy cow and it was There.

Went up to yard this morning and FatHorse was still within FatCamp and hadnt spontaneously colicked or anything ridiculous, which was nice. Brought her in and turned the shetland out (I LOVE that pony) and went down to the gym. Was a bit rubbish before but the workout was good, although the running was hard this morning. Kept it to a minute on the work sections but had the incline at 5% all the time. I can;t do any longer yet though, I've been trying. Didnt get thin-arms either, must do them the next time I'm in. Might go after FatClub on Tuesday, depends on how suicidal I feel.

Got to work at there was a msg from TPO saying she'd got so hot yesterday she couldnt possibly work today :rolleyes: So that was 2 off sick today, but we managed to get a load done, I'm proud of us today. Went back up to the yard afterwards and rode the FatHorse. Really shouldnt have done, or more to the point, I should have gone on a hack. We just mooched round the school for a bit, did a bit of trot then went in. Running tomorrow night so it will have to be schooling before work. I might lunge her actually, but thats a bit of a rubbish workout for me. Ive already done her stable etc. I've just thought of a run I might do on Thursday - just round the bridleway that I normally ride round. Takes about 40minutes walking and trotting, so I'm not sure how long it'll take to run it. I'm sure it's not 3 miles though, it doesnt feel as far as Swinsty when I'm on FatHorse.

Food tonight has been really rubbish, I'm never going to lose my 20lbs by Iceland if I carry on :(

Once again...two good days in a row!

(so far anyway, I've been feeling a bit wobbly the last hour or so...)

But yeah, today has been fairly good. I think the trick is keeping myself busy, but that's easier said than done sometimes. Havent ridden today OR run OR gymmed because I was working, but I'll gym in the morning and ride or run in the evening.

FatHorse has had her FatCamp rebuilt and she's in it tonight...Cross everything she is still standing in the morning and hasnt done anything ridiculous.

Was slightly stiff this morning but it eased up throughout the day. I think it'll hit me tomorrow!!

Payrise comes into effect August 8th :banana:

Wish I'd ridden though, tonight was perfect for a nice hack but I'm so BORED of going on my own. I might put an advert up at work asking if anyone wants to come riding with me :blush:

Had a really good day

Been so busy as well, havent actually acheived very much but it's occupied me all day and I havent wanted to be a twat at all. Check me out!

Got up fairly latish (lazy cow!), and went up to Swinsty and trundled round... Some woman I've never heard of told me I'd done good so that cheered me up. Wish I knew how far it really was, Nike+ told me it was 3.44miles which it REALLY isnt. But whatever, I was pleased.

Came home, got changed and went to the yard, did a full muck out of FatHorses stable and put 2 new bales of shavings in while she trundled about the yard grazing and just generally being in the sun... I'm sure she doesnt care, but I like her to be out in the sun just mooching about. She did chew the wing mirror on my car though. That wasnt so good.

Came home and got changed again and walked straight down to the gym... it wasnt the BEST of sessions - I had to knock the incline down a bit on the treadmill, but rower and cross trainer were ok. Didnt get thin arms but did the hurty-stretches. Had a shower...and got changed AGAIN!!

Walked home, did boring-housework had some lunch (at 5pm) and went back to yard to ride. Intended to do some jumping, but chickened out. Did 2 jumps and she was being silly so we fart arsed around the field instead. Pony came in all frothed up with sweat and I wasnt much better. Must clean my tack tomorrow :blush:

Finished at yard and got back home, Stef seems to have gone missing :S No one seems to know where she is, which is very odd. Am sure she's fine, but can't help feeling a bit worried.

Realy havent done very much and I'm knackered!! Am working tomorrow now as V has hurt her leg. Had a tantrum about doing it, but I'm getting paid for it, and it can either go towards Iceland-money or on the credit card. Working Sunday too but have thursday and friday off cos I'm working next weekend too. Why is it always my weekends that get fucked about with and never Stus???

I wonder...

(todays Good Food Day isnt starting very well, I just stole some of Chris' nutella sandwich.)

But, that aside, I wonder if I'll ever be happy with the way I look? My thighs, I think, are finally starting to get some kind of definition to them, rather than just floppy flab, so that made me kind of happy last night before I realised that once those were sorted there was still everything else to work on!!

The Pregnant One sent me a text at 5am saying she needed today off as holiday because her neighbours had had a party and it didnt finish till late and she was tired. Chris has said to pretend I never got the message and see if she actually asks properly, the way staff are meant to. I'm glad I'm not at work today, if she does end up having the day off there will be uproar. She has tomorrow booked off as holiday - convenient that every time she has a holiday booked, the day before SOMETHING happens so she gets a longer one. She goes on mat leave next week and I cant wait, although when I suggested to everyone it might be nice (ha) to get her a leaving present and card they all had fits and refused to put any money in. Joyous.

I was looking at the Blue Lagoon website again last night, I really really must get back into weight loss and not be swayed by haribo and crisp sandwiches and the like. I need to buy a swimming costume, but I darent until the week we go to make sure it fits properly. There's only 8 weeks till we go now :S I'm so cross with myself, there's not a CHANCE I'll be under 13 stone by then :bawling: I've finally started putting money into an Iceland Account and I'll put #20 a week in it but thats only #160 saved up for it...judging by the prices of stuff, that will last me approximately the journey from the airport to the hotel!! PLEASE let me have a bonus in August... Actually, I wonder when my payrise kicks in? I can put that over too. Was kind of hoping I'd need a 'Clothes The Fit' shopping trip again before we went, but that's unlikely.

Fuck it, 20lbs in 8 weeks. It must be doable. I just need to be really good. And actually go running and keep running rather than bitching I'm about to die.

I've annoyed myself this week

OK, so work has been rubbish, but there has been no need for my rubbishness (with both rubbish-rubbishness and work-rubbish) whatsoever.

Today was appalling, got myself into a huge state this morning over NOTHING at all, and demanded Chris went out for chocolate hobnobs, I ate the entire pack, I have actually disgusted myself with what I've eaten today. I darent even admit anything else, it's too awful.

At least I've been for a run though, but my stupid out of breath-breathing really lets me down, it makes me so cross. The run was fun though, even if it was hardhardhard. I've decided Jen actually hates me and wants to kill me.

Tomorrow is a new day and all that, I MUST be good with food now, I hate still being this weight, so much for my aim at the beginning of the year to be 11stone by 1st August. I'll be lucky to be 14stone by then!!!

so, all rubbish and I must just stop being such a twat. So easy just sat here, announcing that. Must start running on a Monday night again too, wont get better if I give up!!

More rubbish

I've annoyed myself today, dont worry.

I attempted the gym this afternoon in a vague effort to get the so called exercise endorphins flowing, but they'd flowed right away. Was rubbish, couldnt do the intervals in the treadmill, so ran 2 miles instead and that was a struggle (2 one minute breaks). Managed the cross trainer and rower on intervals though so that's something. Didn't even bother with thin-arms or stretches and I havent done any here at home either. Havent ridden, havent run, havent done wii fit or Nell. Lazy cow.

FatHorse was fine, put her in the arena while I mucked out and generally faffed about, then the other livery came up and I just really couldnt face being sociable, so I was very rude and just walked away and sat with FH in the arena while she alternated between stuffing her face and generally being a tit.

I've been rubbish with food today, which hasnt helped the mood. Food Ban went amazingly until 5pm and then I just had to eat. Absolutely stuffed my face, and as a result I'm now uncomfortably full. I hardly dare point it, so much for not eating the points I'd over eaten by yesterday.

Been rubbish with the other stuff too. Cut myself shaving last night and Chris is having a tantrum, he doesnt believe it's an accident.

Still can't pull myself out of the 'I've just split up with Chris' mood. It's frustrating me, I know we havent, I know he doesnt want to and to be honest it's scared me how much it's upset me. I always thought I'd be fairly level headed if it was me that got dumped, but today has proved I really wouldnt be. I couldnt eat (till I had to :rolleyes: ), have become embarrassingly clingy (HATE it yet cant stop it) and am now paranoid.

Please let me be more rational tomorrow.

Rubbishlyrubbishingrubbish

Rubbish :nod:

Yesterday was ok, managed a food ban till tea was ready, check me out. Then it all went downhill, pizza, garlic bread, some banoffee pie (FatFighters, but still) a milky way, 2 bottles of wine...Was nice though but now I have the horrors. I quite fancy going for a really nice, long, run, but I wont because A/ I'm a lazy cow and won't motivate myself enough to go and B/ I'll be rubbish and that will make me more rubbishlyrubbish. I might go to the gym in a bit instead.

Feeling a bit crap anyway because Nicola rang last night and wanted to do something over the weekend, so I lied and said we were away (I'm going to get seen by her now), then when she asked if I wanted to do something that night I just said no, couldnt think of an excuse quickly enough, so I just said Chris and I had been busy all week and just wanted an evening on our own. All lies. So I think I've offended her now too. Wel, I dont think, I know. So yeah, rubbish.

Havent dared get on the scales yet, but I'm having vegetables for tea. I should point all yesterdays food and not eat today what I went over yesterday, does that make sense?

Rode FatHorse yesterday, she was fine. There were Monsters in the wood though and she was completely inattentive. No spooks, just somewhere else entirely. I was trying her in the hanging cheek french link but I might as well have been riding with a toothbrush for all the use it was. Rubbish.

Dreamt last night as well that Chris and I split up, because he didnt want me anymore. I know it was a dream (because I went to the gym afterwards, how WRONG is that??) but I still can't shake the rubbishness and am mooching about doing bugger all and just generally being miserable. Don't want to get back into bed (he's still asleep) just in case it's a little bit true. I went to the gym with Fanny yesterday, after we split up I was on my own. WE HAVE NOT SPLIT UP.

All rubbish.

Today has the potential to be a good day

Dont tell the FatHorse...

I'm trying for another food ban today, we're having pizza and garlic bread for tea and I think I might want wine too. Or is that ridiculous? I was under 14stone this morning - cue the HUGEST grins ever and screams for Chris to come and see (but he HAD to comment on other things) but still - has set my day up well. I just dont want to fuck up the weight loss this week.

Been to the gym with Fanny this morning, did the treadmill on 70second on the work bit, mostly on a 4% incline, but I think I did 3 work minutes on 5%. Did that for 15minutes, did rower and cross trainer too. Can't decide if that was easier or not or if I just got a bit lazier towards the middle.... Last few work minutes were uber-fast though. Did thin-arms and the one I hate, the arms in front and to the side thing, I did with 2kg weights. Two sets of 12. Well, one set of 12 and 2 sets of 6. But it's getting better. Then tried to make Fanny stretchy. She can't do it. I'm sure I must do something wrong. Tried her running top on and it fits, after a fashion. I wouldnt wear it on its own, but yes, it does fit. I can't decide whether to get one or not. Would I ever actually wear it? She does look a bit of a tit wearing it in the gym under a vest top.

Going to go ride FatHorse in a minute, if it's still upright. Bloody animal, now I can laugh and joke about it now, but I thought my heart had been ripped out last night. Running later too, hopefully. Not sure how good I'll be by that point though.

I'm still tempted by this running top. If we get a bonus I might consider it a bit more.

I might wii fit before pizza too, depends on how dead I'm feeling. I might not be capable by that point.

This week has gone so quickly, it's not fair. I think I could get used to being a house wife.

Today had the potential to be a Good Day

Got up after a rubbish nights sleep but felt ok, so trundled off down to gym, increased the treadmill by a whole 10second on the work bit an dd tht for 10 minutes, so extra minute I think done on it. Was knackered by end. Got thin arms, did stretches, went to Superdrug and got some bits and then walked back home.

Got a text to say my pony-shopping had arrived at work so raced down there, boots - good, bit - good, girth - good, chaps....going to take some stretching to fit :bawling: and as for the rug.... it's horrendous. Put it on the FatHorse and she was so horrified she promptly colicked :bawling: Again.

She was stood at the gate when I got to the yard so I assumed S hadnt long put her out, so pottered about for a bit then went to get her. Soon as she saw me open the gate, she buggered off. Grabbed some grass, and walked her down, took all of 5 minute, the lazy cow. Couldnt care less about the grass, came in fairly happily.

Tied her up outside stable, texted for a while, discussed whether the rug was worth calling the RSPCA for (I think it is - definately now it induces colic) Joked about her colicking cos her guts were gurgling, but then panicked cos her head was low...However when the foals were turned out she perked up then, and also when people rode past, so decided she was just a bit podged.

Put her in her box, she had a poo (nice...) bit Danny then hurled herself to the floor. Hauled her up (shocked even myself) and took her to the school. I must have walked 6 miles with her tonight. She farted, she burped, she grunted, she tried going down again. Four seperate occasions we trundled round that school, then I took her in the field (I was bored of the school) and she perked up again. Ended up going round there 3 times then by the third time, SHE was taking me round. Put her back in her box and she managed to remain upright for 20 minutes which is a new FatHorse record, so came home and I'm going to go bak up and check her in a minute.

Poor FatHorse :bawling: and STUPID me, it is my own fault she colicked and I've now been rubbish and rubbish with food too. I needed to be good at food today cos we're having pizza tomorrow and I bet I wont be able to stay on food ban again all day tomorrow :bawling:

Rubbishrubbishrubbish

Anthem

The lights are on
The ships have gone
I'm fine and dry and much to my relief

I'm flying high
To beat the sky
And One by One my blues lie underneath

A time to live
A time to die
A time to open up your eyes and see

I'm in love with the rock 'n' roll world
I'm in love with the rock 'n' roll world
I'm in love with the rock 'n' roll world
I'm in love with the rock 'n' roll world

Why waste time
To find the place
When all the time the world was mine to keep

A time to live
A time to die
A time to open up your eyes and see

Rocks and stones
and breaking bones
The fits, the shakes, she tries to get some sleep

I'm in love with the rock 'n' roll world
I'm in love with the rock 'n' roll world
I'm in love with the rock 'n' roll world
I'm in love with the rock 'n' roll world
I'm in love with the rock 'n' roll world
I'm in love with the rock 'n' roll world
I'm in love with the rock 'n' roll world
I'm in love with the rock 'n' roll world

Hold your breath
And count to ten
So good to be so fucked up... oh yeah!

unmotivated and whingey

I'm just being rubbish because I havent had to motivate myself yet today. S did nags this morning, so I havent HAD to get up and moving yet. Wish I'd done them, it looks like it's going to rain any second, FH will be wet. In fact, I know it's going to rain, I've just put some washing out.

I've just paid some money off my credit card so am feeling marginally less horrified by that. Marginally. At least I'm using everything though, it's not just pointless rubbish!! Hope my bodyshop stuff comes soon.

I want to know when I get to see this weight loss. Logically I know I have lost weight and therefore size, but I dont SEE it and I know no one believes me and they're getting infuriated but I genuinely dont. This is why I'm scared for if I ever get the money to have the surgery I covet, who's to say I'll feel any better? I might not like it on principle (I'm that sort of person) or I might STILL not see any difference.

I had the oddest dream last night as well, it's made me feel a bit weird. I must get back in touch with the ex about the divorce, but I dont really have the money to at the minute. Plus I want to look amazing. Not because I want him back, but because I just...do. I can't explain why.

All rubbish and I can't even explain how I feel properly. Gymming tonight with Fanny. I can't decide if it's going to be a washout or if it's all ok. I might go a bit earlier and get on the treadmill before she gets there.

What if

What if, I lose all this weight, and I'm still the same person underneath it all?

What do I do then?

well, at least it's a loss/

Food ban went amazingly...Didnt eat at all until after FatClub tonight. Shame though that I was starving and have eaten almost double my points since I got back :rolleyes:

Seriously, I'm still hungry :unsure: thats not right, surely?

Anyway, I keep mantra-ing 'it's still a loss, it's still a loss' to myself but I;ll be honest, it's not really working. Half a pound? Rubbish. Just as well I didnt eat all day cos it would have been a definate gain. And I remembered to wear the same clothes, check me out.

Rode this morning. Think she likes the gelpad, there was no fannying about while I was putting the saddle on today and she worked nicely when she wasnt gawping at just about everything in the world. Came back from yard and went down to the gym. Was ok, yesterday I did the running on a 5% incline but I just couldnt manage it today, so just did 4%, so that's not so good. Rower and cross trainer were ok though.

Went back home then went up the yard and 'strimmed' with a schooling whip until the sun came out and then we strimmed with a proper strimmer. Yard will be unrecogniseable come the Jumpathon.

Oh, god, the Jumpathon. I'm going to die. There's banners, there's other horses, there's JUMPING. I might claim inability to ride, get all the poles on the floor and have someone lead me round. It's going to go one of 3 ways. 1, she's going to be an utter tit and I'll fall off before I even get to a fence (or even in the field, if she spots the banner), 2, she'll jump, I wont or 3, she'll jump, I'll jump, I'll get overconfident and then fall off. I've ensured there's vodka for afterwards, bugger the food, I want the alcohol.

NOW I feel like I eaten too much (only feel? I KNOW I have), why cant I feel like this when I've eaten? Even up to the sandwich I was belly rumblingly hungry!! Rubbish.

Today isnt a good day

Already, I can feel myself getting worked up and uptight about FatClub tonight - I KNOW I've put on weight and the weigher goes to the gym and everytime she sees me she goes on about how much exercise I do and how much I'll have lost *this* week, and I havent this time. It's my own fault I've eaten rubbish, and KNOWN I've eaten rubbish too but not done anything to stop it. Think I might do kickstart again this week, but that is entirely dependant on me being able to stop eating :rolleyes:

Still. About to go up and do horses. Hope Molly in a good mood, I'm too tired this morning to cope with anything other than angelic behaviour. Will do some more exercises from The Book and I'll see how she likes her new pad. I'm still in the horrors about that. It is nice though.... If I end up not using it for her I'll stick it in my gym trainers or something :lol: It's very heavy though :S

I was thinking last night, while I still want cosmetic surgery, what if I have it done and I still dont like it? What do I do then? What do I do if I never get to my holy grail weight of 11 stone? Although I'm sure at least a stone of that is my tits. What happens if this is my 'happy weight'? What do i do if my top half keeps getting smaller and my arse and hips still stay wobbly and bulbously fat? What if it never happens, what do I do then?

Might buy a running top. I dont know why. Then thats it, I must stop shopping.

Uh-oh, I'm in trouble...

Went to Beavers and have spent FARFARFAR too much. I had shopping-guilt while I was buying...that's never happened before.

I only went in for a hat :unsure:

Came out with a hat (thankfully) plus a plain black hat silk, some offset stirrup treads, some girth guards, a kimblewick to try (my bit obsession clearly hasnt diminished) a saddle cloth, some smart pink and grey bandages, a couple of bandage pads and, umm.... a stupidly expensive gel pad. It was 2 weeks livery expensive. It's very nice... Was desperate to try it out, so went up and pikeyed the pony round the arena - no hat ( :rolleyes: ) jeans and trainers. Hat is far too nice for pikeying.

Rode (properly) this morning, did lots of exercises from the 101 schooling tips book, very successful session this morning. Helped having some sort of structure to it anyway. So, this morning was good. Did a proper muck out too, made the FatCamp a bit bigger for her, scrubbed out her water bowls, cleaned all my tack (a proper-take-it-all-apart clean too) and swept the yard totally. Came home, showered, went to the tack shop and spent a third world debt, then met Fanny at the gym...I can't go with her again, she just makes me laugh too much and I keep almost falling over or just not doing as well as I SHOULD.So gymmed and came home and had breakfast/lunch/food at half 4. I'm cross though because I've never not eaten for so long (good, obviously), but then when I DID eat I just troughed everything in sight...so tomorrow will be shit. Have done the core section of my Nell DVD tonight as well...Wont do any good. UNLESS I can just not eat until after fatclub, which is unlikely.

So....thats all I've done today. It took forever and I've been busy all day, but I dont really feel like I've acheived very much.

I have been good though, so far. So there's an achievement in itself.

Finally....

This is probably the least time I've ever waited for a week off, but it seems to have taken the longest ever to come round.

Had a bit of a rubbish morning, woke up still with the paranoid feelings of last night wheeling about my head, not helped by twattySILs comments of how much prettier SHE was (bitch) so was fairly rubbish in the gym. Well, *I* was rubbish but not at the program. Think I might do 15mins on treadmill instead of 10 (maybe try a couple of 5 or 6%... did it today) and 10 on the rower from now on. I love it, I reallyreally do.

Occured to me earlier I've been to the gym SIX times this week. And been for a run, and ridden and done my Nell DVD and Wii Fitted. Did the core section before horses/gym/work this morning. God I need to work on that, I'm so rubbish and I can't be an effective, good rider until thats better.

Was going to ride tonight, but decided to wash fathorses legs instead, she has mud fever again, really badly on her offhind. I really thought I was going to find maggots or something under there cos it really stank, but there is lovely pink skin under the scabs, so hopefully all good. Have Protection Plussed it and cut all the hair round it right back. I think I'm going to have to admit defeat and get Nicola out to sedate her and start to clip her legs out again.

Going to take my schooling exercises book up there tomorrow and going to start work on the pair of us.

Have had a rubbish food day and wine tonight, but...fuck it, if I've put on weight its not cos I've not done enough exercise this week. Check me out being a grown up about it all. For now.

I hurt, I'm such a dick at times.

Bad girl

In all sorts of ways.

Friday night....top night, fabby to see everyone, but I ate appallingly and it showed yesterday at work by the fact I was grumpy all day and had no energy whatsoever. Even managed to break the habit of a lifetime and NOT get drunk at the weevils house. I had one glass and that was it!! Check me out. But it does mean I can't even blame my gluttony on the fact my willpower was out the window :rolleyes:

Work, like I said, was rubbish yesterday....Tried doing some retail therapy to cheer myself up, didnt work cos I spent a ridiculous amount, now I have shopping-guilt. Got a new bit to try, a new girth (cos at least FatHorse is getting thinner even if I'm not), a LW turnout rug (I subbumbed...but only cos I want to ride - the weather will clear up for summer now) some new boots for me and a pair of half chaps that won't fit because they'll be too small, but at least it's something to thin into which wont be as baggy as the ones I have now. Banking just would NOT balance yesterday, Chris wouldnt believe me and came in to sort it out, but he couldnt get it to balance either. Made him bring me in some emergency chocolate which is BAD because he bought in a pack of fun sized chocolate bars. I've eaten 6 of a packet of 10.

Was allowed to leave a bit early cos it was his dads birthday party last night, thought about going for a run, but my knees ache a bit so i did my nell dvd and some Yoga on WiiFit instead.

The party was ok, the usual suspects, being farmers. Once again I. Did. Not. Drink. At all!! Chris got embarrassingly drunk so I drove home - he was even too pissed to moan I was going to fast. Ate rubbish again though. Couldnt bring myself to go to where the food was because there was too many people up there (what is WRONG with me??) so Chris went and got a HUGE pile of rubbishy food which I picked at and there was a big tub of pringles left near me for too long so I ate most of that too, if not all of them, actually. Bollocks. So this week is a weight gail week, I'm sure of it. Must remember to wear the same clothes as last week.

Still, vegetables tonight and tomorrow and a proper food ban would be good!!

Just today to get through then I have all next week off....can;t wait.