I should be really happy today

But somehow I'm not, and I dont know why. I know I SHOULD be.

I've found out what my estimated bonus is. It's a good one :nod: Will pay off credit card, put a healthy whack in the extension fund and boost the Iceland Savings Fund somewhat too. My payrise kicks in next week, thats an extra #30 a week after tax, which can go into The Iceland Fund up till we go and the extension thereafter. So money is kind of looking less of a struggle. So there's Reason One To Be Happy.

FatHorse has managed to stay out almost 24/7 since Saturday night and still has not colicked or anything stupid. Reason Two.

I went to the gym tonight, TAM couldnt make running - I was kind of relieved tbh. I'd worked myself up to doing The Bridleway Run (I dont know why it warrents capitals, but it just does in my head)....had even decided to go along Yorkgate first, as that was the bit I was really dreading and was almost looking forward to it, just pure nosiness to see how long it took, compared to being on FatHorse...and I wanted to use my Nike+ again lol, I do like nice shiney things. Then was told the gym was empty and it was, it was great. I'm even proud of what I did - treadmill 5% incline, 6.5mph for 70seconds on each work section to 15minutes, 15 rower intervals and then the cross trainer on level 15. Even did thin-arms. Reason Three I should be happy. It may not be a huge improvement, but it's the best I've done so far.

Reason 4 should be the best yet, but I think it's that that's one of the things that's made me all weird. A customer really complimented me on how I look now. It worries me...I forget how many people I see in a day. What if it all goes pear shaped, what if I get back into eating shit all day and all night? I do sometimes have to push myself to go to the gym or running, what if I give up? It would be so easy just to have a week off, which would turn into 2, which turns into a month...that's what happened at Aireboro. And then what would people think, when I get fatter again?

So that made me weird, added to the fact I had a disagreement with a girl at work, and the new work shirts I got don't fit (too small, natch) and Chris has got all weird about me being on the yard on my own or going running up there on my own, thanks to a sex attack in the forest, means that despite all the good stuff, I've actually been really rubbish all day.

It was (kind of) all going so well

Bah. I've been rubbish with food tonight :( No reason, just being a greedy cow and it was There.

Went up to yard this morning and FatHorse was still within FatCamp and hadnt spontaneously colicked or anything ridiculous, which was nice. Brought her in and turned the shetland out (I LOVE that pony) and went down to the gym. Was a bit rubbish before but the workout was good, although the running was hard this morning. Kept it to a minute on the work sections but had the incline at 5% all the time. I can;t do any longer yet though, I've been trying. Didnt get thin-arms either, must do them the next time I'm in. Might go after FatClub on Tuesday, depends on how suicidal I feel.

Got to work at there was a msg from TPO saying she'd got so hot yesterday she couldnt possibly work today :rolleyes: So that was 2 off sick today, but we managed to get a load done, I'm proud of us today. Went back up to the yard afterwards and rode the FatHorse. Really shouldnt have done, or more to the point, I should have gone on a hack. We just mooched round the school for a bit, did a bit of trot then went in. Running tomorrow night so it will have to be schooling before work. I might lunge her actually, but thats a bit of a rubbish workout for me. Ive already done her stable etc. I've just thought of a run I might do on Thursday - just round the bridleway that I normally ride round. Takes about 40minutes walking and trotting, so I'm not sure how long it'll take to run it. I'm sure it's not 3 miles though, it doesnt feel as far as Swinsty when I'm on FatHorse.

Food tonight has been really rubbish, I'm never going to lose my 20lbs by Iceland if I carry on :(

Once again...two good days in a row!

(so far anyway, I've been feeling a bit wobbly the last hour or so...)

But yeah, today has been fairly good. I think the trick is keeping myself busy, but that's easier said than done sometimes. Havent ridden today OR run OR gymmed because I was working, but I'll gym in the morning and ride or run in the evening.

FatHorse has had her FatCamp rebuilt and she's in it tonight...Cross everything she is still standing in the morning and hasnt done anything ridiculous.

Was slightly stiff this morning but it eased up throughout the day. I think it'll hit me tomorrow!!

Payrise comes into effect August 8th :banana:

Wish I'd ridden though, tonight was perfect for a nice hack but I'm so BORED of going on my own. I might put an advert up at work asking if anyone wants to come riding with me :blush:

Had a really good day

Been so busy as well, havent actually acheived very much but it's occupied me all day and I havent wanted to be a twat at all. Check me out!

Got up fairly latish (lazy cow!), and went up to Swinsty and trundled round... Some woman I've never heard of told me I'd done good so that cheered me up. Wish I knew how far it really was, Nike+ told me it was 3.44miles which it REALLY isnt. But whatever, I was pleased.

Came home, got changed and went to the yard, did a full muck out of FatHorses stable and put 2 new bales of shavings in while she trundled about the yard grazing and just generally being in the sun... I'm sure she doesnt care, but I like her to be out in the sun just mooching about. She did chew the wing mirror on my car though. That wasnt so good.

Came home and got changed again and walked straight down to the gym... it wasnt the BEST of sessions - I had to knock the incline down a bit on the treadmill, but rower and cross trainer were ok. Didnt get thin arms but did the hurty-stretches. Had a shower...and got changed AGAIN!!

Walked home, did boring-housework had some lunch (at 5pm) and went back to yard to ride. Intended to do some jumping, but chickened out. Did 2 jumps and she was being silly so we fart arsed around the field instead. Pony came in all frothed up with sweat and I wasnt much better. Must clean my tack tomorrow :blush:

Finished at yard and got back home, Stef seems to have gone missing :S No one seems to know where she is, which is very odd. Am sure she's fine, but can't help feeling a bit worried.

Realy havent done very much and I'm knackered!! Am working tomorrow now as V has hurt her leg. Had a tantrum about doing it, but I'm getting paid for it, and it can either go towards Iceland-money or on the credit card. Working Sunday too but have thursday and friday off cos I'm working next weekend too. Why is it always my weekends that get fucked about with and never Stus???

I wonder...

(todays Good Food Day isnt starting very well, I just stole some of Chris' nutella sandwich.)

But, that aside, I wonder if I'll ever be happy with the way I look? My thighs, I think, are finally starting to get some kind of definition to them, rather than just floppy flab, so that made me kind of happy last night before I realised that once those were sorted there was still everything else to work on!!

The Pregnant One sent me a text at 5am saying she needed today off as holiday because her neighbours had had a party and it didnt finish till late and she was tired. Chris has said to pretend I never got the message and see if she actually asks properly, the way staff are meant to. I'm glad I'm not at work today, if she does end up having the day off there will be uproar. She has tomorrow booked off as holiday - convenient that every time she has a holiday booked, the day before SOMETHING happens so she gets a longer one. She goes on mat leave next week and I cant wait, although when I suggested to everyone it might be nice (ha) to get her a leaving present and card they all had fits and refused to put any money in. Joyous.

I was looking at the Blue Lagoon website again last night, I really really must get back into weight loss and not be swayed by haribo and crisp sandwiches and the like. I need to buy a swimming costume, but I darent until the week we go to make sure it fits properly. There's only 8 weeks till we go now :S I'm so cross with myself, there's not a CHANCE I'll be under 13 stone by then :bawling: I've finally started putting money into an Iceland Account and I'll put #20 a week in it but thats only #160 saved up for it...judging by the prices of stuff, that will last me approximately the journey from the airport to the hotel!! PLEASE let me have a bonus in August... Actually, I wonder when my payrise kicks in? I can put that over too. Was kind of hoping I'd need a 'Clothes The Fit' shopping trip again before we went, but that's unlikely.

Fuck it, 20lbs in 8 weeks. It must be doable. I just need to be really good. And actually go running and keep running rather than bitching I'm about to die.

I've annoyed myself this week

OK, so work has been rubbish, but there has been no need for my rubbishness (with both rubbish-rubbishness and work-rubbish) whatsoever.

Today was appalling, got myself into a huge state this morning over NOTHING at all, and demanded Chris went out for chocolate hobnobs, I ate the entire pack, I have actually disgusted myself with what I've eaten today. I darent even admit anything else, it's too awful.

At least I've been for a run though, but my stupid out of breath-breathing really lets me down, it makes me so cross. The run was fun though, even if it was hardhardhard. I've decided Jen actually hates me and wants to kill me.

Tomorrow is a new day and all that, I MUST be good with food now, I hate still being this weight, so much for my aim at the beginning of the year to be 11stone by 1st August. I'll be lucky to be 14stone by then!!!

so, all rubbish and I must just stop being such a twat. So easy just sat here, announcing that. Must start running on a Monday night again too, wont get better if I give up!!

More rubbish

I've annoyed myself today, dont worry.

I attempted the gym this afternoon in a vague effort to get the so called exercise endorphins flowing, but they'd flowed right away. Was rubbish, couldnt do the intervals in the treadmill, so ran 2 miles instead and that was a struggle (2 one minute breaks). Managed the cross trainer and rower on intervals though so that's something. Didn't even bother with thin-arms or stretches and I havent done any here at home either. Havent ridden, havent run, havent done wii fit or Nell. Lazy cow.

FatHorse was fine, put her in the arena while I mucked out and generally faffed about, then the other livery came up and I just really couldnt face being sociable, so I was very rude and just walked away and sat with FH in the arena while she alternated between stuffing her face and generally being a tit.

I've been rubbish with food today, which hasnt helped the mood. Food Ban went amazingly until 5pm and then I just had to eat. Absolutely stuffed my face, and as a result I'm now uncomfortably full. I hardly dare point it, so much for not eating the points I'd over eaten by yesterday.

Been rubbish with the other stuff too. Cut myself shaving last night and Chris is having a tantrum, he doesnt believe it's an accident.

Still can't pull myself out of the 'I've just split up with Chris' mood. It's frustrating me, I know we havent, I know he doesnt want to and to be honest it's scared me how much it's upset me. I always thought I'd be fairly level headed if it was me that got dumped, but today has proved I really wouldnt be. I couldnt eat (till I had to :rolleyes: ), have become embarrassingly clingy (HATE it yet cant stop it) and am now paranoid.

Please let me be more rational tomorrow.

Rubbishlyrubbishingrubbish

Rubbish :nod:

Yesterday was ok, managed a food ban till tea was ready, check me out. Then it all went downhill, pizza, garlic bread, some banoffee pie (FatFighters, but still) a milky way, 2 bottles of wine...Was nice though but now I have the horrors. I quite fancy going for a really nice, long, run, but I wont because A/ I'm a lazy cow and won't motivate myself enough to go and B/ I'll be rubbish and that will make me more rubbishlyrubbish. I might go to the gym in a bit instead.

Feeling a bit crap anyway because Nicola rang last night and wanted to do something over the weekend, so I lied and said we were away (I'm going to get seen by her now), then when she asked if I wanted to do something that night I just said no, couldnt think of an excuse quickly enough, so I just said Chris and I had been busy all week and just wanted an evening on our own. All lies. So I think I've offended her now too. Wel, I dont think, I know. So yeah, rubbish.

Havent dared get on the scales yet, but I'm having vegetables for tea. I should point all yesterdays food and not eat today what I went over yesterday, does that make sense?

Rode FatHorse yesterday, she was fine. There were Monsters in the wood though and she was completely inattentive. No spooks, just somewhere else entirely. I was trying her in the hanging cheek french link but I might as well have been riding with a toothbrush for all the use it was. Rubbish.

Dreamt last night as well that Chris and I split up, because he didnt want me anymore. I know it was a dream (because I went to the gym afterwards, how WRONG is that??) but I still can't shake the rubbishness and am mooching about doing bugger all and just generally being miserable. Don't want to get back into bed (he's still asleep) just in case it's a little bit true. I went to the gym with Fanny yesterday, after we split up I was on my own. WE HAVE NOT SPLIT UP.

All rubbish.

Today has the potential to be a good day

Dont tell the FatHorse...

I'm trying for another food ban today, we're having pizza and garlic bread for tea and I think I might want wine too. Or is that ridiculous? I was under 14stone this morning - cue the HUGEST grins ever and screams for Chris to come and see (but he HAD to comment on other things) but still - has set my day up well. I just dont want to fuck up the weight loss this week.

Been to the gym with Fanny this morning, did the treadmill on 70second on the work bit, mostly on a 4% incline, but I think I did 3 work minutes on 5%. Did that for 15minutes, did rower and cross trainer too. Can't decide if that was easier or not or if I just got a bit lazier towards the middle.... Last few work minutes were uber-fast though. Did thin-arms and the one I hate, the arms in front and to the side thing, I did with 2kg weights. Two sets of 12. Well, one set of 12 and 2 sets of 6. But it's getting better. Then tried to make Fanny stretchy. She can't do it. I'm sure I must do something wrong. Tried her running top on and it fits, after a fashion. I wouldnt wear it on its own, but yes, it does fit. I can't decide whether to get one or not. Would I ever actually wear it? She does look a bit of a tit wearing it in the gym under a vest top.

Going to go ride FatHorse in a minute, if it's still upright. Bloody animal, now I can laugh and joke about it now, but I thought my heart had been ripped out last night. Running later too, hopefully. Not sure how good I'll be by that point though.

I'm still tempted by this running top. If we get a bonus I might consider it a bit more.

I might wii fit before pizza too, depends on how dead I'm feeling. I might not be capable by that point.

This week has gone so quickly, it's not fair. I think I could get used to being a house wife.

Today had the potential to be a Good Day

Got up after a rubbish nights sleep but felt ok, so trundled off down to gym, increased the treadmill by a whole 10second on the work bit an dd tht for 10 minutes, so extra minute I think done on it. Was knackered by end. Got thin arms, did stretches, went to Superdrug and got some bits and then walked back home.

Got a text to say my pony-shopping had arrived at work so raced down there, boots - good, bit - good, girth - good, chaps....going to take some stretching to fit :bawling: and as for the rug.... it's horrendous. Put it on the FatHorse and she was so horrified she promptly colicked :bawling: Again.

She was stood at the gate when I got to the yard so I assumed S hadnt long put her out, so pottered about for a bit then went to get her. Soon as she saw me open the gate, she buggered off. Grabbed some grass, and walked her down, took all of 5 minute, the lazy cow. Couldnt care less about the grass, came in fairly happily.

Tied her up outside stable, texted for a while, discussed whether the rug was worth calling the RSPCA for (I think it is - definately now it induces colic) Joked about her colicking cos her guts were gurgling, but then panicked cos her head was low...However when the foals were turned out she perked up then, and also when people rode past, so decided she was just a bit podged.

Put her in her box, she had a poo (nice...) bit Danny then hurled herself to the floor. Hauled her up (shocked even myself) and took her to the school. I must have walked 6 miles with her tonight. She farted, she burped, she grunted, she tried going down again. Four seperate occasions we trundled round that school, then I took her in the field (I was bored of the school) and she perked up again. Ended up going round there 3 times then by the third time, SHE was taking me round. Put her back in her box and she managed to remain upright for 20 minutes which is a new FatHorse record, so came home and I'm going to go bak up and check her in a minute.

Poor FatHorse :bawling: and STUPID me, it is my own fault she colicked and I've now been rubbish and rubbish with food too. I needed to be good at food today cos we're having pizza tomorrow and I bet I wont be able to stay on food ban again all day tomorrow :bawling:

Rubbishrubbishrubbish

Anthem

The lights are on
The ships have gone
I'm fine and dry and much to my relief

I'm flying high
To beat the sky
And One by One my blues lie underneath

A time to live
A time to die
A time to open up your eyes and see

I'm in love with the rock 'n' roll world
I'm in love with the rock 'n' roll world
I'm in love with the rock 'n' roll world
I'm in love with the rock 'n' roll world

Why waste time
To find the place
When all the time the world was mine to keep

A time to live
A time to die
A time to open up your eyes and see

Rocks and stones
and breaking bones
The fits, the shakes, she tries to get some sleep

I'm in love with the rock 'n' roll world
I'm in love with the rock 'n' roll world
I'm in love with the rock 'n' roll world
I'm in love with the rock 'n' roll world
I'm in love with the rock 'n' roll world
I'm in love with the rock 'n' roll world
I'm in love with the rock 'n' roll world
I'm in love with the rock 'n' roll world

Hold your breath
And count to ten
So good to be so fucked up... oh yeah!

unmotivated and whingey

I'm just being rubbish because I havent had to motivate myself yet today. S did nags this morning, so I havent HAD to get up and moving yet. Wish I'd done them, it looks like it's going to rain any second, FH will be wet. In fact, I know it's going to rain, I've just put some washing out.

I've just paid some money off my credit card so am feeling marginally less horrified by that. Marginally. At least I'm using everything though, it's not just pointless rubbish!! Hope my bodyshop stuff comes soon.

I want to know when I get to see this weight loss. Logically I know I have lost weight and therefore size, but I dont SEE it and I know no one believes me and they're getting infuriated but I genuinely dont. This is why I'm scared for if I ever get the money to have the surgery I covet, who's to say I'll feel any better? I might not like it on principle (I'm that sort of person) or I might STILL not see any difference.

I had the oddest dream last night as well, it's made me feel a bit weird. I must get back in touch with the ex about the divorce, but I dont really have the money to at the minute. Plus I want to look amazing. Not because I want him back, but because I just...do. I can't explain why.

All rubbish and I can't even explain how I feel properly. Gymming tonight with Fanny. I can't decide if it's going to be a washout or if it's all ok. I might go a bit earlier and get on the treadmill before she gets there.

What if

What if, I lose all this weight, and I'm still the same person underneath it all?

What do I do then?

well, at least it's a loss/

Food ban went amazingly...Didnt eat at all until after FatClub tonight. Shame though that I was starving and have eaten almost double my points since I got back :rolleyes:

Seriously, I'm still hungry :unsure: thats not right, surely?

Anyway, I keep mantra-ing 'it's still a loss, it's still a loss' to myself but I;ll be honest, it's not really working. Half a pound? Rubbish. Just as well I didnt eat all day cos it would have been a definate gain. And I remembered to wear the same clothes, check me out.

Rode this morning. Think she likes the gelpad, there was no fannying about while I was putting the saddle on today and she worked nicely when she wasnt gawping at just about everything in the world. Came back from yard and went down to the gym. Was ok, yesterday I did the running on a 5% incline but I just couldnt manage it today, so just did 4%, so that's not so good. Rower and cross trainer were ok though.

Went back home then went up the yard and 'strimmed' with a schooling whip until the sun came out and then we strimmed with a proper strimmer. Yard will be unrecogniseable come the Jumpathon.

Oh, god, the Jumpathon. I'm going to die. There's banners, there's other horses, there's JUMPING. I might claim inability to ride, get all the poles on the floor and have someone lead me round. It's going to go one of 3 ways. 1, she's going to be an utter tit and I'll fall off before I even get to a fence (or even in the field, if she spots the banner), 2, she'll jump, I wont or 3, she'll jump, I'll jump, I'll get overconfident and then fall off. I've ensured there's vodka for afterwards, bugger the food, I want the alcohol.

NOW I feel like I eaten too much (only feel? I KNOW I have), why cant I feel like this when I've eaten? Even up to the sandwich I was belly rumblingly hungry!! Rubbish.

Today isnt a good day

Already, I can feel myself getting worked up and uptight about FatClub tonight - I KNOW I've put on weight and the weigher goes to the gym and everytime she sees me she goes on about how much exercise I do and how much I'll have lost *this* week, and I havent this time. It's my own fault I've eaten rubbish, and KNOWN I've eaten rubbish too but not done anything to stop it. Think I might do kickstart again this week, but that is entirely dependant on me being able to stop eating :rolleyes:

Still. About to go up and do horses. Hope Molly in a good mood, I'm too tired this morning to cope with anything other than angelic behaviour. Will do some more exercises from The Book and I'll see how she likes her new pad. I'm still in the horrors about that. It is nice though.... If I end up not using it for her I'll stick it in my gym trainers or something :lol: It's very heavy though :S

I was thinking last night, while I still want cosmetic surgery, what if I have it done and I still dont like it? What do I do then? What do I do if I never get to my holy grail weight of 11 stone? Although I'm sure at least a stone of that is my tits. What happens if this is my 'happy weight'? What do i do if my top half keeps getting smaller and my arse and hips still stay wobbly and bulbously fat? What if it never happens, what do I do then?

Might buy a running top. I dont know why. Then thats it, I must stop shopping.

Uh-oh, I'm in trouble...

Went to Beavers and have spent FARFARFAR too much. I had shopping-guilt while I was buying...that's never happened before.

I only went in for a hat :unsure:

Came out with a hat (thankfully) plus a plain black hat silk, some offset stirrup treads, some girth guards, a kimblewick to try (my bit obsession clearly hasnt diminished) a saddle cloth, some smart pink and grey bandages, a couple of bandage pads and, umm.... a stupidly expensive gel pad. It was 2 weeks livery expensive. It's very nice... Was desperate to try it out, so went up and pikeyed the pony round the arena - no hat ( :rolleyes: ) jeans and trainers. Hat is far too nice for pikeying.

Rode (properly) this morning, did lots of exercises from the 101 schooling tips book, very successful session this morning. Helped having some sort of structure to it anyway. So, this morning was good. Did a proper muck out too, made the FatCamp a bit bigger for her, scrubbed out her water bowls, cleaned all my tack (a proper-take-it-all-apart clean too) and swept the yard totally. Came home, showered, went to the tack shop and spent a third world debt, then met Fanny at the gym...I can't go with her again, she just makes me laugh too much and I keep almost falling over or just not doing as well as I SHOULD.So gymmed and came home and had breakfast/lunch/food at half 4. I'm cross though because I've never not eaten for so long (good, obviously), but then when I DID eat I just troughed everything in sight...so tomorrow will be shit. Have done the core section of my Nell DVD tonight as well...Wont do any good. UNLESS I can just not eat until after fatclub, which is unlikely.

So....thats all I've done today. It took forever and I've been busy all day, but I dont really feel like I've acheived very much.

I have been good though, so far. So there's an achievement in itself.

Finally....

This is probably the least time I've ever waited for a week off, but it seems to have taken the longest ever to come round.

Had a bit of a rubbish morning, woke up still with the paranoid feelings of last night wheeling about my head, not helped by twattySILs comments of how much prettier SHE was (bitch) so was fairly rubbish in the gym. Well, *I* was rubbish but not at the program. Think I might do 15mins on treadmill instead of 10 (maybe try a couple of 5 or 6%... did it today) and 10 on the rower from now on. I love it, I reallyreally do.

Occured to me earlier I've been to the gym SIX times this week. And been for a run, and ridden and done my Nell DVD and Wii Fitted. Did the core section before horses/gym/work this morning. God I need to work on that, I'm so rubbish and I can't be an effective, good rider until thats better.

Was going to ride tonight, but decided to wash fathorses legs instead, she has mud fever again, really badly on her offhind. I really thought I was going to find maggots or something under there cos it really stank, but there is lovely pink skin under the scabs, so hopefully all good. Have Protection Plussed it and cut all the hair round it right back. I think I'm going to have to admit defeat and get Nicola out to sedate her and start to clip her legs out again.

Going to take my schooling exercises book up there tomorrow and going to start work on the pair of us.

Have had a rubbish food day and wine tonight, but...fuck it, if I've put on weight its not cos I've not done enough exercise this week. Check me out being a grown up about it all. For now.

I hurt, I'm such a dick at times.

Bad girl

In all sorts of ways.

Friday night....top night, fabby to see everyone, but I ate appallingly and it showed yesterday at work by the fact I was grumpy all day and had no energy whatsoever. Even managed to break the habit of a lifetime and NOT get drunk at the weevils house. I had one glass and that was it!! Check me out. But it does mean I can't even blame my gluttony on the fact my willpower was out the window :rolleyes:

Work, like I said, was rubbish yesterday....Tried doing some retail therapy to cheer myself up, didnt work cos I spent a ridiculous amount, now I have shopping-guilt. Got a new bit to try, a new girth (cos at least FatHorse is getting thinner even if I'm not), a LW turnout rug (I subbumbed...but only cos I want to ride - the weather will clear up for summer now) some new boots for me and a pair of half chaps that won't fit because they'll be too small, but at least it's something to thin into which wont be as baggy as the ones I have now. Banking just would NOT balance yesterday, Chris wouldnt believe me and came in to sort it out, but he couldnt get it to balance either. Made him bring me in some emergency chocolate which is BAD because he bought in a pack of fun sized chocolate bars. I've eaten 6 of a packet of 10.

Was allowed to leave a bit early cos it was his dads birthday party last night, thought about going for a run, but my knees ache a bit so i did my nell dvd and some Yoga on WiiFit instead.

The party was ok, the usual suspects, being farmers. Once again I. Did. Not. Drink. At all!! Chris got embarrassingly drunk so I drove home - he was even too pissed to moan I was going to fast. Ate rubbish again though. Couldnt bring myself to go to where the food was because there was too many people up there (what is WRONG with me??) so Chris went and got a HUGE pile of rubbishy food which I picked at and there was a big tub of pringles left near me for too long so I ate most of that too, if not all of them, actually. Bollocks. So this week is a weight gail week, I'm sure of it. Must remember to wear the same clothes as last week.

Still, vegetables tonight and tomorrow and a proper food ban would be good!!

Just today to get through then I have all next week off....can;t wait.

Another good day

Definately time for a national holiday. :nod:

Dunno why today was such a good day, but woke up before the alarm, got all my jobs I need to do before I leave on a morning done in about 3 seconds and was on the yard by 6.40am. FatHorse got a brush waved in her general direction and tack thrown on and took her in the school. Was levelled last night so was lovely to ride on. I might put a jump up tomorrow as I'm not putting out in morning so Soph and &G will be out in the field. I really do need to arrange some lessons with her, she falls in horrendously and if she's not falling in, she falls out and utterly ignores me. Very frustrating. Schooling books have been dispatched so they'll be here Friday probably...want them now!! Should have paid the extra for quicker delivery.

Got to work to find a STACK of work that needed doing, but it was All Good, I've decided I'm far better working alone, with lots of things on. I hate being distracted from doing stuff and I hate having to keep an eye on what other people are doing even more. Owner came in and told me the Thing I'm Not Meant To Know, although I'm still not meant to know it. Also told me something extra I'm not meant to know...I need to work extra hard to ensure everything goes to plan....So, shockingly, that made me really happy, rather than panicking about how I might not do it.

Second work related (sort of...) thing that made me happy was my food competition... Ate at 2pm, check me out. Did eat it all at once, but I've been ok, but then we had tea pretty much as soon as I got in from work. I'm not really hungry now, but if offered food, I could certainly eat it...Can't decide whether to save the 2.5points I have left for Fat-BBQ on Friday, or have something a bit later. Plus I have just remembered it's Chris' dads birthday party on Saturday night. Lots of food about then too. Think I'd better save them, despite I would happily eat...I dunno, something that's 2.5 points.

So, thats all good. The architect came round tonight and he doesnt think there'll be any problems with the plans for the extension. He's sending them off tonight, so in 8 weeks time it'll either be yes or no...He said as well to get builder quotes now, rather than closer to when we want it doing, so all very exciting. Can't WAIT to redecorate.

Just got back from the gym, I LOVE my ubershort program, the treadmill is hard work, nearly fell off the end this evening by the last work minute lol, and the x-trainer is a killer, although I might put the level up a bit. Was shaking like anything when I came out, was great!

Chris got me some tops from GYS...last year he got me XXL and they were far too small. This year he got me Large, I say they're too small, he says they fit. Have looked at sizing, they're a 14-16. They're too small. But still, HUGE grins...they're tight but wearable I guess.

Today has been a great day, I've loved it. AND I've been good ALL DAY. Even at the gym. Check me out.

sleepy....

FatClub wasnt too bad tonight, lost another 1.5lbs, but once again I wore different clothes. Next week I have to wear the same, otherwise there's no point doing it really.

Rode FatHorse this morning, we went in the field. I dont know what it is about the side near her FatCamp, but she is just stupid down there, still we managed a good 25minutes schooling, then spent the next 10minutes or so tazzing about :blush: I do wish I was brave enough to jump the logs. They arent that big, it's just me, being stupid as ever lol. Anyway, she was a good girl, left the yard in a good mood, even though was a bit late.

Work wasnt too bad although there wasnt a huge amount on, Chris has got some figures he's struggling with, I MUST remember tomorrow to compare BHB & CDM figures see which are cheaper. Keep forgetting, which is rubbish especially as the sales sheets are top of my in tray. Will be on my own tomorrow :bawling: Chris is going to GYS and Stu is out in the van.

Was stupid at work, getting myself worked up over FatClub, and then cos Chris was in an arse he got snappy, plus I TOTALLY failed on my eating competition, was starving and had some of my lunch by 9.30, rubbish. Must not eat till after 1pm tomorrow. Might just leave my lunch in the car, if its not close then it will be less tempting. In theory anyway. Went to the gym after FatClub, and was rubbish but enjoyed myself. I think I might just stick to the quick, intensive program. I went in fully intending to try and run a total of 3 miles and failed completely and utterly. Heart wasnt in it tonight. Watch, tomorrow night I'll be full of running and I cant do anything cos the architect is coming round at 7.15. I might go down the gym after he's been, depending on what time it is.

So I'm cross (although being good now....) I was SO PROUD yesterday that I didnt do it, then spoilt it today. Tomorrow will be a good day.

Must get arse into gear and sort out things for tomorrow, otherwise will be in a big rush and will be utterly late for everything, and that will not be a good day...

A good day today

There's a shocker!!

Dont know why today was such a good day, it had the possibility to be completely rubbish. Got up before work and went and rode Mollycob...we mooched about for a bit while I tried to decide what to do (arena was flooded). Part of me wishes we'd gone for a hack, but I'd left the doors open and didnt have my keys. Anyway, we ended up just doing some schooling and she was A Good Pony so we saved that session. Can't wait for my schooling books to turn up, I desperately need some new ideas.

I think I'm going to let her (molly) bank account build up a bit more and then arrange some lessons with a local instructor, I really do need some help. Hopefully, if the person I've heard of is any good, I might even gain a hacking partner... I'm so fed up of hacking alone, and so is she. FatHorse invented monsters the last time we went out, I'm sure it's because she's bored of that route. I bloody am anyway.

Work was good, got lots stocked up. C&D were pains though, the pair of them are lazy arses at times. Had a competition with myself not to eat till after 1pm (once I start I can't stop...) and managed till 1.45, yay! Troughed my entire lunch in 3 seconds flat mind, but we'll see how it goes tomorrow.

I'm not hopeful of losing any weight tomorrow, but next week I'll make sure I will. Have to be Very Good at the BBQ and it should all be ok, especially if I keep going to the gym and riding.

Talking of being Very Good....I havent done anything stupid at all today :biggrin: check me out. Was wobbly at the gym, was shaking like you would not believe and was DESPERATE, but resisted, all good :D Like my new program lots. I cant make up my mind about tomorrow, whether to go after Fat Club or not. If I do, I think I'll just go on the treadmill, get thin arms and do some sit ups. Maybe. Wednesday we have the architect coming round, so am not sure if I'll get to go, which is a bugger. Still, have Thursday and Friday off so can go both those days, and Sunday. Saturday I'll have to just ride. Might see if Chris wants to take the bike round Danefield, although last time we did that, she was an utter tit.

gym review

treadmill - 10 minutes, rest 4mph 1 min 0% incline, work 6.5mph 1 min 4% incline
rower - 20sec as fast as poss (45spm+) 10 seconds rest X 8
cross trainer - 10 mins level 12 manual 1min fast as poss (70's) 30 seconds slow

Arms have changed a bit, not doing shoulder press anymore and I've had to drop down some weights cos the exercises have changed, which has annoyed me slightly, but it's all good. Must work on sit ups a bit more, rather than starting and pretending that it hurts and I'm done.

Have also decided that I am not being a miserable bitch anymore, friends will get fucked off and is no fair to unload myself onto them when they feel rubbish enough as it is - you may as well call me Nicola if I carry on with that. So I'm stll going to be a miserable cow, but only with myself.

As for food, I didnt eat all morning till I came back from gym (2.30) - have just had a sandwich and a pack of pink & whites, so should be ok till tea. It can be my new daily challenge to see how long I can go without eating - means that when I do eat I shouldnt ned as much to fill me up.

Ridiculous.

While I'm out I think of loads of things I want to blog, but when I get here, in front of my computer, I've forgotten it all.

I do need to stop weighing things down on other people though, it's stupid ad unnecesary and I do call myself Nicola. I sti9ll scratch but it's starting to hurt now, must be getting too blunt. Plus I'm running out of places to do it. Wearing a swimming costume now will be uncomfortable until I'm in the pool, and if I ever get thin enough, a bikini is out of the question.

Hmmm, getting thin. I dont think I'm cut out for dieting anymore. I havent eaten yet today which is V.Good. However, it'll get to about 5pm and I'll just trough everything in sight. Which is V. Bad, natch. Plus there\'s this BBQ on Friday, I will drink then and eat Very Bad Things.I really do wish I could make myself sick, it would make things so much easier. Its not through lack of trying either.

Got a gym review with Jen in about half hour or so....This is for before work on a Sunday when I dont have much time.

Elmo is being a Very Bad Kitten, poking about at stuff, have just shouted at him and Belly is sat on my lap, also bawling away at him....he stopped (to shut us up I think) and Belly gave him one last miow, then looked at me gave me a big blink and cuddled up again. Love my kittens.

Want to ride tonight, but its chris' neices birthday so we have to go down there. Plus it's raining and she'll be wet. Sigh.

feeling rubbish

Am eating rubbish, knowing I'm eating rubbish, but somehow....being unable to stop. Maybe hypnotism is the right idea. I dont know. I know I'm being atwat, but I still do it anyway? WHY??

I run out of patience with myself, it's ridiculous

I slept

Could have slept for longer, but Chris forgot to reset the alarm.... Bah. Am now sat here trying to work up energy to go up, sort t'nags out and come back and do some much needed tidying. I should ebay a shit load of stuff, but I think a car boot might be easier. I would suggest it to Christopher, but I know if he came we'd come back with more shit than we went with.

Raining this morning, FatHorse might get another day off :lazy: Have booked a week off work the week after next, just to do fuck all apart from ride and go to the gym to get thin. How sad am I? Whats worse is I can't actually wait. Still got 3 weeks of holiday to take though before the end of November. Technically it works out as a week off a month (already got a week booked for Iceland in September) but realistically I cant do that until someone else does their amtra. Might have another week off in August before madam goes on mat. leave, one in October and ask if I can possibly be paid for the rest.

I dont really know what to do at the minute. I genuinely feel like I'm cracking up at times, *I* am a mess at the minute and despite what I assure chris, it *will* scar. It hurts to walk (think thats part of the reason I was so miserable at work yesterday)and I hate being sad all the time. I cant really describe it at the minute and I'm frustrating myself. It's rubbish. Need to go patapony.

funny day

funny weird, not funny haha.

Got up ridiculously early, after minimal sleep, went up, did the horses and was in the gym by 7am. check me out, for the first time ever, I ran a mile in under 10minuts - 9.40m. Did 2.3m in 25minutes, *think* I did the 2 miles in 21 minutes, I cant remember now. Rower and cross trainer were rubbish, but I'm pleased, kind of with the running. Wish I'd carried on till 3 miles though and not done the x-trainer.

Got to work and was fine, good, even (well, discounting the gym) till midday and then I just slumped, had a cracking headache and generally felt shit, really thought I had a migraine starting. Turns out I was just being a lazy shit cos I was fine by half 4. Meant to ride tonight, but decided as I was knackered I couldnt be arsed to do anything but hack and as I have no one to hack with I couldnt be arsed with the (admittedly minor) tantrums I have to deal with. So she got a pat and that was it. Laxy bitch I am.

Wide awake now. Stu, god love him, put the phones on quiet and locked the door so I could get some sleep.

78 Stone Wobble

Presentation tonight, Chris did it. Didnt finish till half 8 so no chance of getting to the gym/going for a run/walk/whatever. The next obvious choice would be Nell or Wii Fit, no? No. I ate 2 whippy things and made my lunch for tomorrow instead. I've been so Good, right up till tonight, the longest for AGES. CROSS CROSS CROSS.

Had my jacket potato etc managed to resist 'sharing' everyone elses chips and pizza, but in order to do that had to sit on my own and ignore everyone. I was nearly in tears doing it, how bad is that? I got in such an arse.

Going to go to the gym before work tomorrow, go up and get horses out super-early, then gym, then work and ride afterwards, maybe go for a nice hack. She was a good girl this morning, but I only rode for 20minutes - she was so good this morning it was pointless doing anything more, she did everything I asked, when I asked, where I asked. Even had a fab gallop which really set me up for the day, I was in such a good mood when I got to work.

So cross with myself. I'd been so good. Pathetic.

July measurements

I know, I said I wouldnt do them, but I'm lunging this morning, I should have some more time. And if not...then neither Stu or JB are due in today. So not the right attitude.

Wednesday July 2nd
L. calf - 17
R. calf - 17.5
L. thigh - 27
R. thigh - 27
Hips (inc tummy)- 46
top hips (on bellybutton)- 43
waist - 37
under boobs - 32
L upper arm - 14
R upper arm - 13

Tuesday June 03rd
L. calf - 17
R. calf - 17
L. thigh - 27.5
R. thigh - 27.5
Hips (inc tummy)- 47
top hips (on bellybutton)- 43
waist - 37
under boobs - 35
L upper arm - 14
R upper arm - 14

4.5inches this month. How the fuck is my left arm an inch thinner than my right?

A rubbish day

So many reasons, but it didnt start hugely well when FatHorse was a total witch to ride this morning. Couldnt ride one side of her and she took utter advantage. Took her in the field to try and get some semblence of forwardsness and, fuck me, we got forwards. We didnt have so much of straightness, braking or sensibleness, but I suppose I only went in there with 'forwards' in mind. I'm going to lunge in there tomorrow and then on Thursday, we'll go back in, but I'll remember to think 'forwards, straight, sensible and brakes' as well.

Work wasnt too bad. I was lazy though and couldnt get motivated. I need to really kick myself up the arse tomorrow. It should not take all day to do the banking, put one new thing on the system and phone an order through. I reallyreally dont deserve my payrise.

Then FatClub, I've lost 1lb apparently, but I wasnt wearing my hoodie, so there's my pound thats gone. Didnt stay for meeting, really wasnt in frame of mind. Came home in a foul, horrid mood. Announced I wasnt eating tea, which I havent, but I had cereal, a whippy bar and some ham and cheese :rolleyes: So much for the food ban.

MUST sort myself out tomorrow. It's horrible. Loved the whippy bar but its still coating my mouth now and it's not good. My thighs I swear have got wider as well. Technically I should have done some measurements this morning. I'll do them saturday, I have little enough time in the morning as it is.

Nicola coming round tomorrow. Joy.

WWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH

I'm not looking forward to FatClub tonight, I WILL have put on weight. I KNEW I shouldnt have gone to the body shop party last night...there was wine, wagon wheels, sweets, chocolate biscuits and dips.

FatHorse was a good girl yesterday morning, we even did some jumping, check us out. This morning will be Boring Schooling only though, I am Tired and she was, umm, speedy, into the jumps, resulting in some uncomfortable jumping.

Work wasnt too bad yesterday, bit boring as spent the whole day putting new things onto stock, today could be interesting. I want to get out in the shop and do some stocking up (leaves staff to get on with stuff I'd rather they were doing/I might lose a bit more weight before FatClub) but owner is coming down to go through thursday nights presentation, so I dont know if I'll get chance.

Oh, yeah, Thursday night. No exercise and Bad Food. I'm not looking forward to it, quite apart from the presentation. Bah.

From Despair to Where?

Upwards, hopefully. I'm very tired this week, can't decide if its due to being unused to getting up so early and DOING stuff again or what, but I'm fed up of it and would like to just sleep for 2 days and be fine again.

Went into Harrogate yesterday, got LOADS of books (incredibly happy), lots of bath stuff (happy) and some pj sets from La Senza. All of which look rubbish, which made me rubbish. And I got caught as well to reaction to which, tbh, made me more rubbish. Still, the books are great. When the extension is done, I think we just have to have one room with a great big comfy sofa in, and just full of book shelves... I'd love it.

Have ridden FatHorse this morning, I was pleased with her, although she was bloody heavy on my hands and I've blistered a bit. Was going to do some more jumping, but they started clay pigeon shooting again but literally RIGHT behind us. Didnt want to die today, so we just did a bit of walk and trot. She was so tense today. Didnt help that they started as I was running through P18 and was just doing FWLR. She went off that fast I was nearly left sat on my arse. I might ride later, will see how I feel, although she'll be furious and probably ditch me in retaliation. Fat Camp is looking veryvery bare now... Will give it another week I think and pull it out a bit. She's lost weight anyway.

I havent however. Why the hell not, I've done loads of running. Not fair. Hopefully I'll still have lost on Tuesday night, but...meh. I KNOW I can't lose 6lbs every week, but how cool would it be if I could?

Must be a good girl and go to the gym too today. Knees are a bit sore though so running might be crap. Have to do horses in the morning, but do I ride? Hmm. I fancy hacking out but I'm bored of the square now, Danefield will take too long and the other way, there's just too much fast traffic at that time of the morning, it's not worth it.

Right. Must motivate myself to do something productive, such as washing up, rather than sitting here, stroking the cat. I might go read my book.

I want a zoo.

sleepy

Have not slept well (no particular reason) and am now trying to muster up energy to go up and do the horses.

Can't really be arsed. I might just go up and turn out and muck out then come back and ride later. Bet it rains later though.

Decisions, decisions.

Have to re-remember why I[m doing this

I need to be thin for Iceland and the whole swimming in public thing.

Chris-pizza and wine is not helping this cause although I feel better than i have done in a while.

Gym was good, although the t shirt I had was too short in the arms to wear in public, so I borrowed a gym one. it was white. not a good thing, I was rubbish and it showed. Did some sit ups, ran 3.25miles in 37minutes, rowered and cross trained. FatHorse has had the day off today, she might get ridden twice tomorrow though, dpends how I feel.

Do I like wine, or do I just like to be drunk?

I'm really tired this morning...

Forgot to tell Chris I didnt have the horses to do this morning, so alarm went off at 6am...again. Hadnt got to sleep especially early either. Thought, for about 5 seconds, about getting up and riding anyway, but decided to go back to sleep, which I did for 16 minutes until the snooze went off. Typical. Still havent gone to yard. I SHOULD ride tonight, as am having Chris-pizza and wine for tea, but I really want to go to the gym, and if there's time do some situps and stuff. Or something. I could do both, but if I ride first I'll be rubbish at the gym which will upset me, but if I ride after then god knows what time I'll be back. Maybe she can just have the day off and I'll do some jumping tomorrow. Maybe.

NEARLY managed 3 miles in one go last night at the gym, think I walked for about 4 minutes in total (walked 2 or 3 times, I cant remember) and did it in 34 minutes, check me out - really pleased, but also a bit :huh: because I dont *think* it would have taken to much effort to have run the lot. WHY though, can I not do it outside??? It's highly frustrating and mildly upsetting too. Did rower, x-trainer and tried to get thin arms, but the arms weren't really happening last night.

Stupid stuff is getting stupidly stupid. Can't move without somewhere hurting now. My own fault and now I'm feeling better I'm cross, because it's so STUPID.

Urgh, today wont be a good day at work. Lots of orders to put away and the new girl is in. Really must pull my finger out and become what they seem to think I'm worth.

seriously, I do piss myself off.

I've just had an AMAZING gym session, but I'm fucked off with it :rolleyes: I should have done 3 miles. But I did manage 2.3 instead. The rower was ok and the cross trainer was same as always, increased the weights for my arms as well. Still wish I'd done 3miles though.

AND. Something work related, it's a good thing, but I dont think I deserve it - not false modesty, just dont deserve it. Why can't I just be grateful?

Pony was a witch this morning, dont know what got into her, but she was SO backwards this morning and I just couldnt get her going at all, so ended up losing my temper (bad) which meant she did too. Didn't come off, but it was a close thing. I'm going to lunge her tomorrow, then go back in the school Friday morning, and maybe do some jumping IF she is a good girl. Little shit she was this morning.

Had put weight on this morning but I'm not getting in an arse, I ate badly after the meeting and I'm sure it will have gone by next Tuesday. Hopefully. Was fine all day (although didnt get lunch till 4pm cos of meeting) but then lady next door brought some biscuits round for us, and I acidentally ate 4. Oops. Just as well it was OK at the gym.

This keyboard is really fucking me off, I press letters and nothing happens unless I go back and press it extra hard. Has taken 40minutes to write this. Rubbish.

Oh, and Must Try Harder. I'm fine until I start.

Can't decide what sort of day I've had.

Started off badly when I decided to hack out on FatHorse, given she'd been such a good girl schooling yesterday morning. I KNEW the second I got on her, she was going to be an arse, her back was right up and she was just silly, right from the start. One of the shetlands has had a foal :wub: and that caused a high speed reverse till I booted her, she remembered forwards then. Went past a tractor - THAT didnt phase her, obviously, but the dead fox in the verge, definately did. We had Issues with the drain again, then were fine until we got to The Cows. She is not scared of cows. She used to live in a field with some, was stabled next to some AND hacked through them. She tried spinning, she tried reverse, she tried threatening to go up (shocked her when I booted and growled 'fucking TRY it, you little shit' at her -I wasnt coming off her, still had to get to work and have a wash etc!!) and in the end she slinked past, but not content with having got past, she had to have a little spook at the end, at nothing :rolleyes: Oh, and a very big spook as we came off the bridleway because the 2 mounds of sand that were there on Saturday, weren't there this morning. Then went back along Yorkgate absolutely golden. She is a little shit. Told her I was tying her to the gate for the pikeys to take. She wasnt bothered. Think she realised they'd bring her back again.

Work not too bad. Money gone from the tills. I have my suspicions. Irritatingly it's not who I *wanted* it to be. Was fun in places, me and V had a huge attack of the giggles, we were very naughty. I was crying and couldnt breathe and inadvertently scared everyone cos they thought something was wrong. We want to go to the circus, tomorrow night will be cheapest, but I have to go to the gym, hmmm. Or Saturday, but it will be packed with kids. Is most disconcerting driving past the garden centre and seeing a zebra grazing. Clairebear thinks its a white horse they've painted black lines on.

FatClub. I went, I've lost, I was told off for losing too much, too quick. Thought the whole point was to lose weight? Ridiculous. Meeting was rubbish and Sarah unsurprisingly has bailed out on me, so I went alone, which made it even more rubbish. Next time I think I'll just go get weighed and then go to the gym. Havent actually lost as much as they say though, because I was wearing different clothes and next time I'll obviously be in my gym stuff, which will weigh less than jeans and a hoodie.

Have not been good.

Lets go for 'rubbish day'.

Rubbish, I'm sorry

i dont know what the hell was up with me today. Got to gym, was stupid before I even went in, got on treadmill, full of energy and ready to do my best gym-run ever. Fuck knows what happened, did 1.3miles then completely and utterly stalled, ran half a mile or so more then had to walk the last bit to 2miles because I had a horrendous stitch. Walked that off, then went on rower, did the intervals (500m 20sec rest X 4) and it wasnt too horrendous, but by the time I'd done those I was late. Why? I wasnt late going down there? Rubbish. So was bad after too and suspect I will be in trouble later.

Work was fairly rubbish, but yay for no pikeys. Desperately wanted to ride, but the wind was horrendous, could barely open the doors to the barn, fathorse was being a tit and while I still wanted to ride, self preservation kicked in. Still cross though as I intended going on wii fit, but Chris is sat in front of Top Gear and is not for moving.

Bad food today as well. Rubbish day all round really.

I'm sorry

Stupid stupid stupid

I was having such a really good day as well today.

RRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

God, i piss myself off and now theres all sorts of extra explantions.
twat twat twat

it was no surface, all feeling....maybe at the time, it felt like breathing.

positive things for a saturday

1. Still dont seem to have pissed anyone off
2. I am healthy
3. My vets bill is totally paid (as in, I paid off the credit card last night. Poor again now)
4. I'm going to be thin soon

Think thats it for this morning, eek!!

two blogs in one day

and they're both positive ones, who knew??

Had a really nice day today, but dont know why, really, it's just been A Good Day. Maybe I should start my day by thinking of positive things more often? (actually, it's probably not a bad idea lol).

Went to gym this morning and had a review done by text LOL. It was hard!! run 400metres as fast as I can (7.5mph today, for the first 2 anyway, then 6.5mph for the last 2) with a minutes rest as many times as I can... Today it was 4 times, is harder work than I thought it would be. Anyway, 2.5km in 18minutes. Can't decide if thats good or not? I was red, out of breath and sweaty by the end though, more so than when I just do 2 miles in however long I can anyway, so must be good. Then went on rower, 500metres with 30second rest. Fastest was 2.05m, slowest was 2.09m. Again, no idea if thats good. The idea with the cross trainer was to do 2minutes fast and a minute slow.... I just couldnt do it, so just did my normal x-trainer routine, then I went and tried to get thin arms with the weights. By the time I finished I looked like I'd showered in my clothes - and I had nothing to change into, yuck yuck yuck. And I had to get to vets to see if Molls vet bill was ready - it was, and it was a shocking EIGHTY SEVEN POUNDS. I did ask her, numerous times, if she was sure it was right, if she had the right horse, the right account etc... she seemed to think so anyway.

Got back home, to find a letter from Barclays to say I'd been charged for a DD that I thought I'd canceled and which I obviously hadnt and it had come out of the account which had insufficient funds. So trundled back down into town and paid that, and the bank-lady has refunded the #15 charge, check her out!

Went to see FatHorse and decided to go OUT for a ride. As we left we ended up joining 2 riders going past. Asked them if they minded me tagging along till the bridleway and they said they didnt. Ended up having a really nice chat, I might accost them the next time I see them and ask if they want an extra hacking partner. Had a bit of a tantrum when we left them, but nothing like I was expecting, and to be honest, I'm not entirely sure the tantrum wasnt actually over the fact I wanted her to walk over a drain and not over the fact she had to leave her two new friends at all. Met a couple with their kids on the bridleway and FH embarrassed me totally by sticking her head in the pushchair while I was talking to the parents. Expected child to scream (I nearly did) but kid loved it. Left them and carried on, got to Yorkgate and :eek: there were 2 piles of sand either side of the track. Dear God, the reaction was suitably drama queen esque. They were hiding trolls and all sorts. Trundled back along YG and back to the yard, the pair of us in great moods. I might even do some jumping tomorrow night. Check us out, hey?

I was thinking earlier about the stupid things I do. I think I can narrow it down now to the times when I would have had a cigarette before. It's getting ridiculous at the minute though, although I've been good today, I really cant hide it for much longer. Mostly when I'm 'stressed' or cross. Or just bored. Before the gym because I dont think I'll do as well as I want to, after the gym because I havent done as well as I wanted to, at work because customers/staff/reps have infuriated me, at the yard because I havent ridden well or FH been an arse... Anyway, the whole act of taking care of it afterwards distracts me from whatever has happened and by the time I've dealt with it, whatever has upset me has passed. Thats my theory anyway, it's probably a load of bollocks.

Got home to find that V had bought me some of my most favourite ice cream ever as a thank you for doing some posters to find her dog... AND I was still within points enough to eat some. I told her she really didnt need to, but I loved that she had LOL.

See, today has been a good day. I am happy, happy, happy. I have a lovely Christopher and some amazing friends, who all mean the world to me. I just need to not fuck things up and it's all good.

Being Positive.

I am. Today will be A Good Girl Day. I think I need to start making a list of positives everyday, because I really am a lucky person, I just dont see it at times.

So. Todays positives. This may get shorter as the week goes on..!

1. I have a Christopher and some lovely, amazing friends.
2. I also have The FatHorse and The Kittens
3. The above are happy (I hope) and healthy.
4. I am losing weight, I will do it and I will be thin.
5. We've had the plans approved for the first bit of the house extension.
6. I am still remotivated re the weight thing, despite a flapjack-shaped slip up yesterday.
7. My manky foot did not hurt at all yesterday
8. I've just paid off my credit card, so when FatHorses vets bill arrives, I can put it straight on that and not worry about it sitting on S' account for ages.
9. I do love my job. Despite how much I complain about it. Got told the other day that I have 20days of holiday I'm still to take before he end of November, otherwise I'll lose it, no carrying over or getting paid for them. Normally I've used my holiday by the end of March!!
10. I'm going to Iceland!!!
11. I've almost done a full week of riding before work and then gym or some sort of exercise in the evening. (Today I MUST do both as well - day off). Tuesday was the only day I didnt do any real exercise (dont count walking to fatfighters, esp as Sarah drove me back home), but, a day off is good...I guess.

Wow. That is more positives than I thought. Now I just need to stop the ridiculous scratching and then I can go to bed whenever I want rather than hiding in there before Chris gets in. And wear my shorter armed tops when I have thin arms. And it's just a stupid thing to do.

Now I just need to motivate myself to get to the gym.... Or ride this morning, one of the 2.

Hmmm

Fat Fighters meeting - LOADS of people from the gym there, suppose it was to be expected really, but it means that I can't give up now. One of the gym people does the weighing. REALLY dont like that, but I'm sure I'll get over myself. I came out all remotivated but I sem to have lost it a bit now... I'll take the stuff they gave us and have it as bedtime reading, hopefully I'll rediscover the motivation.

Really must ride the fathorse in the morning, meant to this morning but was so tired when the alarm went off I just lunged instead and I feel rubbish now, especially as it took as long as riding would have and I ate shit all day.

Still, riding and gym tomorrow, thursday and friday. Must put my stirrups up a hole, I was so ineffective in trot the other day.

Wish I was thin. And rich. And probably someone else entirely.

tired this morning

Dan gave me a Dan-Compliment yesterday. Apparently 'it's been fucking AGES since you were in a bad mood Rach!!'. So, yay me! Unfortunately I am knackered this morning and am already in a bad mood, and all I've done is get up and dressed. Doesnt bode well for rest of day, does it?!

Ran/walked from work to Business Focus last night with T&someone she works with. I held them back :( I'm 1000000% sure the more running I do, the more rubbish i get, I really do. I did it with swimming too. Rode FatHorse yesterday morning as well, she was ok, there was some moments of brilliance, but mostly she was a tit. I'm meant to be riding this morning, but like I say, I'm knackered so I'm just going to lunge.

Made her a FatCamp Sunday night and she went out in it yesterday. Checked her a couple of times during the day and she'd fencewalked a bit, but, I know its mean, but I'm not hugely bothered. If she's fence walking she's not stuffing her face AND she's working off what she's eaten lol.

Got a FatFighters meeting tonight with Sarah. I just dont have the willpower anymore so I'm going to go and be shamed into losing weight. Hopefully the competitiveness will reinspire me. I have 3months (ish) to lose 2 stone and it's just not happening at the minute :(

Need to think of things to sell to pay for this bloody vet bill. I dont even want to know how much it's going to be.

3 things

1. check me out, the cardio queen.... rower 2000m 8minutes,29.3seconds, bike, program 6, 15mins, 5.05km, x-trainer, level 17, hill program, 240calories, treadmill, 2miles in 23minutes dead, but did have to walk 3 times (3 minutes) but did the last 3 or so minutes at 6mph. Was pleased today.

2. Rode FatHorse. She was, um, turbocharged. We were only going to have a mooch round the school, but we did a better impression of something speedy. I did think about taking her in the field, but given its only two days since the vet was twittering on about colic surgery and 'is she insured?' we stayed in the arena.

3. Built Fat Horse a FatCamp. Cross everything that she doesnt escape into the main field, or onto the bridleway, she doesnt colic and she doesnt do anything else that might cost me more money. Oh, and cause her ill health, obviously.

But. Still no self control around food, still rubbish on the treadmill, still rubbish at running outside. Running from work into town tomorrow with 2 extra people I dont know and I really dont want to do it, they will be uber fast and I wont keep up and will hold them back but can't back out now.

Made a bit of a mess.

Frustration number 10....

Am I going round the bend?

See, its going well now

But I cant be happy - because if I'd stuck to it for the last 3 months then I would have been so much further on.

Still I cant be too cross, it's my own stupid fault.

Belly is in season, she woke me up at 3am by sitting on my head, yelling her head off. Chris slept through it.

Do I gym or ride in the morning? Am tempted to gym. Tonight was far more successful than last night, even beat my rower - 8.36m. Did level 5 on the bike, level 17 on the x-trainer and also managed to do 2miles in under 25minutes. Couldnt run it all though.

Must ride FatHorse tomorrow night, although I suspect seeing how she was tonight I'll be wanting nice big arm muscles.

Fat Fighters day one...

I'm a point over already :lol: but am under points for tomorrow so can make it up then hopefully. Must. Be. Good.

Gym was predictably rubbish, but I managed to run a bit which I didnt think I'd do, in fact I did everything, just a bit slower than I would have liked. Had to do it in a vest top which I did NOT enjoy cos my stupid burnt shoulders really hurt.

Starting Again

Fat Fighters is starting again today. I have loads of fruit with me, I'm having vegetables for tea... I WILL be thin. Need to lose 2 stone by September, at least. Back off to the gym tonight as well.

New 10% goal is 13stone3lbs. After that, only 2 more (ish) stone to go before my Big Goal Weight. Makes it sound so easy.

Yeah, new weigh in day is a Wednesday too.

oh god...

A blog of realisations tonight.

1. Work. When Graham left, we all had a laugh and a joke over who would be the one who stepped into his lazy arsed shoes. I suspected it would be me. It was never going to be Chris. It isnt me. And its pissing everyone off - all I had all weekend was pissed off texts saying how lazy S had been. This happens everytime we go away or have a day off together - either he turns into Mr Lazy or else his gf turns up for the day and they book holidays on the tinterweb. Irritating. Mostly irritating because it feels like Chris and I cant go away for any length of time... Iceland is already irritatingly short because it isnt fair to leave S on his own for so long without a day off, but if we have to worry about unhappy staff to get back to as well? Happy holidays...

2. Weight. This is getting stupid. I havent lost any weight at all for fucking ages because I have no will power. So I'm changing my weigh in day to tomorrow and I'm starting again. Again. Current goal is to lose 2 stone before we go to Iceland. I want to get in the Blue Lagoon and not feel like a whale has got lost. I will be a good girl, I will not be tempted by yummy food, if I even LOOK at a tub of B&J I may as well stick the tub straight on my thighs. No more wine, pink or otherwise either, for a while.

3. Exercise. I've missed it so much. I've done nothing today, not even a walk and I feel itchy because of it. I've missed running more than I thought I would actually. Cant wait to get back in the gym tomorrow, although I'm already dismissing it as a rubbish workout because my chest is still slightly dodgy and its been a week since I was last in there. A WEEK? I cant remember the last time I stayed out of there a week. I really have changed.

4. The sun. Next time, you silly bitch, PUT SOME SUN CREAM ON. My upper arms, back and front of my legs are lobster-red. And sore.

5. I want a different job, or at least to not work with Chris anymore. I want to go away on a proper holiday and not still have to deal with stuff while we're away.

6. Oh, and to discuss the idea of cosmetic surgery calmly and rationally without either of us having a tantrum.

Dont want much, do I?

Bored now

Man flu is starting to piss me off now. Walked into town earlier to pay fat horses vet bill and get some more asprin, and had to have an hours sleep when I got back. How rubbish? Also attempted the Nell DVD and could only do 20 minutes (inc warm up!!) before dying in a sweaty, out of breath heap.

Fat Horse got freezemarked today, she was a good girl, only 1 minor aberation when she twitched as the first mark went on, so her 9 looks more like a deformed lollipop but still, she's been branded.

Kitten has also been vaccinated, he is in fine health apparently. Belly was FURIOUS when we got back and had trashed the house. Who needs a teenager?

Operation Anti Fat Ass is not going well. A cheese doritoes sandwich, a bottle of wine and some B&J cookie dough ice cream kind of not well.

I'm ill, meh.

what a weekend....

Back early(ish) - about 5.30, because mum and I had a huge argument about, of all things, sausages. I only wanted one, but no, I HAD to have 2. So I offloaded it onto Chris' plate. You'd think I'd done something AWFUL by the reaction. So we left asap, with barbed 'compliments' ringing in my ears. Got home, sorted cats out and went to see Fat Horse... Such a sweetheart, very cuddly. Still feel bad about having her freezemarked tomorrow, even though I know it *shouldnt* hurt.

There were also 'issues' cos Chris and I went for a walk earlier. It would have been a run, on my own if needs be,I actually really fancied it, but I've come down with chronic man flu and could barely breathe after an hours (flat!) walk. This was another bone of contention - I slept a lot of the weekend, partly because I am/was ill, partly because the thing I was panicking about turns out fine - for me anyway. Worrying over nothing.... But it meant I could finally sleep without chewing things over.

I must sort out Operation Anti Fat Ass again, I'm still stuck at the weight I was 2 months ago and it's so frustrating. Although I could always do more exercise I guess. Swimming again is the next on the list, but I'd want to be fitted for a costume as well. At least I'll never drown while they're this size though... Did I blog about getting a sports bra? If not... I can only go down one more back size before I am too humungous for a sports bra :eek: I will need to have them specially made at great expense. Would be far cheaper just to have a boob job.

Anyway, whatever, its food I mainly have issues with, in that I cant stop eating... It's rubbish. Really must develop some self control somehow. Other people do it, why cant I?

Back in gym tomorrow. Gonna be hard work, havent been since... Wednesday!! Bugger, it will be hard work.

No news is good news....?

Lets hope anyway.

Went sports bra shopping yesterday, have gone down 2 back sizes and UP about a billion cup sizes. There are no cup sizes bigger!! Still, it kept them in place during a Very Naughty Fat Horse ride and a wet run...

Dont know what got into FatHorse yesterday, but she was turbocharged. Did some babyjumping again, I made a specific effort not to grab at her (in fact, I probably needed more of a contact) and I genuinely wasnt tense - not that I felt, anyway, but she towed me into everything. Then took her in the field to walk her off, and, er, ended up galloping round it 3 times. And I mean proper galloping too, I didnt realise she had a 4th gear. It wasnt intentional, but fuck it, so much fun. Steering and braking both in the arena and the field were minimal though.

Then the run...was so much fun actually. Went round Fewston instead of Swinsty and got caught in a torrential rainstorm about halfway round. I have never been so wet with clothes on in my entire life, there wasnt a single inch of me that was dry. And I'm obviously crazy, fun??? But it was, so much.

Off to parents tonight. Want to take my trainers and go for a run, but the grief and teasing I'll get will be unreal. Shame I cant go to a gym really... Who would have thought I'd have got so itchy at the thought of not being able to exercise? Something is obviously wrong....

Oh, gym on Wednesday night... (having been to Whitby - lovely day)... 22minutes on level 4 (bike) = 6km, 15mins on level 17 (cross trainer) and 8.42 on the rower.

Measurements again...

Tuesday June 03rd
L. calf - 17
R. calf - 17
L. thigh - 27.5
R. thigh - 27.5
Hips (inc tummy)- 47
top hips (on bellybutton)- 43
waist - 37
under boobs - 35
L upper arm - 14
R upper arm - 14

Thursday May 1st
L. calf - 17.5
R. calf - 17.5
L. thigh - 27
R. thigh - 28
Hips (inc tummy)- 48
top hips (on bellybutton)- 46.5
waist - 38
under boobs - 34
L upper arm - 14
R upper arm - 14

5.5inches off, I think? Not bad I guess. Shame it's not all in one place!!

shit shit shit

I did something, work related, a while back which probably wasnt a great thing to do. I think it might have just come and bitten on the ass, big time. Like loss of job, fines, loss of friendship....I hope to fuck I'm wrong, but I really dont think I am.

Now cant sleep and feel sick, but will be nothing like how v's feeling.

amazing exercise day.... (kind of)

not such a good food day anymore...

It started out so well, Jen and I went up to Swinsty at 7am and went round, then I went to work...finished work and decided to calibrate the nike+ thing properly, so went to the gym and did that (eventually), but felt embarrassed at only going to run 400 metres, so did 20 minutes on level 4 on the bike, then normal cross trainer.

So that was all good. Then went up to the horse, was going to go out but couldnt be arsed locking everywhere up behind me, so went in the school. It was hard work actually (for her) as the arena was waterlogged in places still and really really deep. Still she managed to tit about for ages before doing some real work and then we did some more JUMPING. I have to be brave though, I absolutely cannot jump out of trot, it does have to be canter. I just need to remember to sit quietly and not fiddle and tense up as her turbo kicks in in canter. Its only when I get tense and snatchy that she really powers in. It's not rocket science, why cant I do it?! I think I might ride in the field tomorrow, its easier to avoid the puddles :rolleyes: Its not like we;re jumping high either, we're talking about 1foot6 at the most!! After that I was feeling decidedly faint, so scooted down to waitrose and got some pasta salad, some fruit (which i havent eaten) and some aero bubbles (which I have). Then went round the tarn with Tam, we were both rubbish and couldnt be arsed, so we just ended up going round twice and walking most of it at that. And even now I dont think my nike + is calibrated properly, although walking & running is going to alter the reading somewhat.

So, up till this point the whole food thing was going fairly well, but since I got home I've had a ham and cheese sandwich, tea, a fat fighters pudding and, um, wine...

Getting stiff already lol.

Work wasnt too bad, even better now I'm not going back in till a week tomorrow.

Must be better tomorrow, food wise. Dont think I'll ever better todays exercise :lol:

check me out....

Or, um, not...

In gym this morning, ran 2miles in one go, without stopping. Check me out, huh? took 25minutes to do 2.18miles (walked the last bit). Then tonight, was calibrating my nike + thing...struggled, like, really struggled, to run 400 metres.

Didnt help that I hadnt pressed go to calibrate it the first time, so we ended up doing it 3 times. AND....it says 400metres when you walk is shorter than when you run. What? Oh well, it's set up somehow.

Work wasnt too bad. New girl started yesterday. I dont think she'll stay long. She doesnt really fit in, and shes a bit like B in that she has to have done everything better than everyone else. She rubs me up wrong way anyway.

Fat Horse was ignored again tonight, it's pissed it down all day so she didnt get ridden. Think I'm off round Swinsty with Jen tomorrow before work, so might scoot up and bring her in before we go so she is at least dry in the afternoon.

Food ban is not going well. Must be better, just in general. I'm so rubbish at running outside, compared to on a treadmill. Its not like I dont practise enough outside, or is it? Who knows.

tired...

Ash were great, I think. I got drunk, probably made a fool of myself and wore a too tight/too small top. Have been fine all day, but have just been up to pat-a-pony and tiredness has really hit me now. Was even considering going to the gym at one point, although useless thinking that now cos it's be shut. Bah.

I might wii fit later, see how I feel lol, I could happily go to bed now! Food ban yesterday worked a bit too well and I was pissed after about 5 minutes. Am eating more than enough to make up for yesterday though lol.

Working tomorrow and Monday then a whole week off, I cant wait. Off to Whitby on Wednesday apparently. Have never been. Can't decide if it'll be fun or really quite boring lol, then down to parents for the weekend.

Urgh, I need to go do something before I actually fall asleep.

Cross now

OK, so food ban wasn't exactly going well today, but really, bearing in mind I'm going out tomorrow and I wanted to be thin, I should have been better. Still hungry though, AND I didnt go to the gym. Stupid.

I did however ride this morning. Was so nice, just went round the bridleway and back along Yorkgate. We looked like a christmas tree and we still got passed by idiots, far too close. Pony was a very big star though, her back was up when we first went out, but as soon as I said 'fine, trot, get on with it' she remembered herself. Have booked her in for freezemarking though, with Freezemark rather than Farmkey. Farmkey couldnt come out till AUGUST :eek: so, all being well, she is being done on the 9th June. Think she's having a bald patch cos I think a white one will just get lost.

I'm having half a day tomorrow, hopefully, barring any disasters. Going to the gym before work, then going on a last minute shopping trip for something to wear to ash tomorrow night. Want to look H.O.T. Well. My version of anyway. I'll spoil it by getting drunk, but the thought will be there... Anyway, I'll attempt to get something nice in Harrogate, then go for a ride. Should maybe do a DVD too to make up for not gymming tonight. I wont though, I'm a lazy cow.

Must be mad

Yesterday, I got up early and was riding by 7.30am, went to work after (admittedly didnt do a right lot :blush: ) and then went to the gym afterwards, and even if I say so myself, I was AMAZING (for me).

Ran 1.61miles, had a minutes break and then did to 2.10miles (took 25minutes), rower was 2000m in 8m44s (could have been quicker cos I kept stopping to tighten the foot straps, but I'm not being cross, honest), did program 3 on the bike, then 15minutes on level 16 on the cross trainer. A once in a lifetime, never to be repeated, workout :lol: I was proud.

Now, this morning, I got up at 5.15 (wide awake, although typically I could sleep now) and am about to go up to the yard again to ride. Am also madly crossing fingers that the fog clears because I'd quite like to go round the bridleway before Yorkgate gets busy. Architect is coming round tonight with the loft conversion plans and then hopefully I'll get to the gym after, depends on how long he stays.

Going to see ash tomorrow, I CANNOT wait

ANDANDANDANDAND

Much more motivation needed to get thin. Chris and I have just booked this years holiday - 5 days in Iceland at the end of September. Flights booked (and seats picked!), hotel booked... came to 58,500ISK :lol: Makes 800quid sound small change lol. I NEED to be thin, I want to get in a geyser :lol: I also need to win the lottery, it is SO expensive over there. Now just need to work on the whole 'I hate flying' thing...

Arms are ever so sore now though after yesterdays gymming. Think I might actually have to see if they do running tops in Fat Size. My iPod calorie thing should be here today, weeee!! Hope so :lol:

Happy happy happy (kind of..)

3 good things...

Chris and I have booked a holiday to ICELAND :excited: end of September. REALLY have to be thin now, am determined to get in a hot water wotsit. Geyser.

I played on the Wii Fit for 52 minutes.

JB didnt sack me for blatently playing on Facebook instead of working LOL.

Then the other stuff...

Food ban not going so well

My carefully worked out exercise plan has gone to shit already by the horse being wet tonight. Still, Wii fitted instead and left her in overnight. I WILL get up at 6am and ride before work.

Arms are sore. Not by extra stuff, just by previous shitness.

Better

Stupid crazy hormones.

I'm getting fitter, I adore my pony and I havent run out of money (yet), and things are just good at the minute.

I'll be rubbish next week again, but for now, it's all good LOL.

Inconsistent? Me? Oh yes.

Think I'm cracking up

Had a lovely weekend but now just feel rubbish. Appreciate I'm being pathetic, but that appears to be making it all worse.

rubbish behavior.

Tired...

I dont feel ill, but I've felt sick since Tuesday night. Drinking 2 bottles of pink wine and some vodka won't have helped but its thursday now. Why still the sick-feeling? Tried ALL yesterday to be sick so I'd feel better, but only managed once, which made me feel ok for about half an hour. How do you do it??

Gymmed last night, which was a bit of a disaster. Stef dropped her towel on the treadmill, then had to jump over it, then swore (it was packed) so loudly I heard her over my earphones, which set me off laughing till I was out of breath - literally, I couldnt breathe - and was sat on the treadmill crying. Wasnt even that funny!! But then I couldnt really get back into running and just did the 2 miles, in a rubbish time. Rower was fairly shit too. Bike and cross trainer not so bad.

Then went and rode, trying to put into practise stuff from the lesson Tuesday night. Wasnt really happening. Then we had an argument about closing the gate (I was going to walk her off down the lane) so we both hada tantrum with each other. At least she was forwards tonight though. Can't decide whether to hack tonight or not. She was such a witch the other day I'm not sure I want to, but also I cant be a wimp over it. And I can't be arsed with schooling, especially not after the gym.

Food has been shit this week. Must be good today and tomorrow for another shit-food weekend lol. Looking forward to seeing Emmie and Carle, not seen Emmie for....must be 3 years at least. And never met Carle!

Going to be a good exercise girl tomorrow as well and am hoping (ha) to get to the gym for a run before work, and then me and Jen are off to swinsty.Although maybe I'll do bike cross trainer and rower, if we're running in the evening...Hmm. Getting my hair done tomorrow too!

Still feel sick. Rubbish

rubbish

just about sums today up.

dont really think i need add anymore :rolleyes:

I did it

But predictably, I'm not pleased :rolleyes:

We thought we were being so clever, getting to the front of the walkers but the back of the runners, thought we would be in the perfect place... We were, until they turned everyone round and we ended up right at the back of the walkers. Seriously, there was only about 20 people behind us. Took us about a km to get nearish the middle, but some of the tracks were so narrow, you HAD to walk because everyone was so tightly packed. So, we did a lot more walking than we planned to. Still, I did it, AND I ran up the hill at the end. Next year (hahahahaha) I'm going to run the lot and make sure I'm at the bloody front. Oh yeah, and get there early enough to get parking, we were parked a mile and a half away so I was knackered before we started!

Oh, and next year, I will not have a bacon sandwich (was good though), then another sandwich and half a pot of Ben & Jerrys icecream when I got home (did go to gym though and did my program before I came home, no excuse though), then because everywhere was shut ( :bawling: :bawling: )have a bowl of cereal, another sandwich, packet of crisps and greek yogurt with honey and peanut butter. I've put on 4lbs :blush:

Pleased I went to the gym though, even though I ache now. Part of me wants to do the Harrogate race for life on the 28th, but its dads birthday (needs calling) its at 7.30, it's round GYS and it's #12.50 I dont really have to enter. Decisions. I think I;d rather just run round Swinsty again. OR, go back to Temple Newsam and do it without anyone else being about, see if I can do it any quicker. We did it in 43minutes.

Got itchy arms in the gym too, they really hurt today and look awful.

Stil tired, wish I wasnt working today and I ACHE!!

It's all good

I'm still bricking it about tomorrow. Dont know why, logically, I know I can do it, no one (hopefully) is going to be laughing at me for running/walking, I wont be the only one doing it, dare I say it, for once I hope I wont be the fattest one doing it and I have my ipod. I dont want to do it with Stef now. At all. I'll just feel rubbish by the end. It's good.

New jogging bottoms for me yesterday. Am close to a mini tantrum over it but it's fine. I'll get over it. And some socks :biggrin:

Had such a bad food day yesterday. Felt sick by the end. Have put on a couple of lbs this morning, but it's good. I have all week to get rid of it. Better get rid of it, next weekend is going to be one long bad food weekend!!

Pony was a pain last night. Took forever to establish forwardsness, then once that button was flicked she became turbocharged. It was hot and muggy though. She is cool.

Must motivate myself to do something. Like get ready for work. Really can't be arsed.

Nothing you can say

Will convince me otherwise.

I am not naturally pretty or attractive, I am not naturally clever or funny.

I really dont have much of an imagination so I borrow (steal) other peoples words to describe how I feel.

I wont ever believe I've lost enough weight, because I will never be perfect, but I will get bored of trying before long.

People only say I'm thinner now because they are comparing me to how I used to be.

Weigh in tomorrow, I've had bread, cheese and wine.

tired now

36mins on treadmill = 3miles
8.50mins on rower = 2000metres
10 mins on bike on some kind of program = 2.4miles
15 mins level 15, hill program on cross trainer
Fat scan = 36% bad fat

According to calorie-count site I've eaten 2477calories and burnt 2862calories. Long way off the goal of eating 1600 calories!!! But at least I've burnt more than I've eaten.

This time next week

I should have done Race for Life.... Scary thought now, still feels like it should be months away. I'm so not ready.

Had the potential to have a really good gym morning, on the treadmill I ran a full mile in one go for the first time ever AND did the 2 miles in 23m30s (this is good for me :blush: ) which is 2 minutes faster than I did it on Friday, then on the rower I did 2000m in 8m52s (again, good for me). Didnt get time to go on the cross trainer which has annoyed me greatly. Am I becomming an exercise fanatic? I would have happily gone running tonight too. Shame the weight isnt coming off, although it wont when I'm 'forgetting' to point stuff. :rolleyes: No self control and I'll never shift anything if I dont kick myself up the arse soon.

Pony has been fenced in with electric fencing, which she hates. If she gets out again I dont know what I'll do. Will have to move if she does, there's no other way of keeping her in.

Diet starts again tomorrow I guess. Tempted to attempt 3 miles every night from now till Sunday (R4L) but I suspect that would be madness.

Sleepy

Well am still not entirely happy with the whole weight issue, but I'm sure I'll get over it soon enough.

Pony has taken to jumping out of her field, irritatingly. I am hugelyhugely thankful that she has so far only turned right (ie, down to the other horses) and not left to the road. So I've spent the evening electric fencing the outside edge of her field. Box said 200metres should only take half an hour to set up. Bollocks. Took me about 2 hours.

Went out on a nice little hackette before I did the fencing, went down past the horses along the road, back up the bridleway and along Yorkgate. She was a Good Pony, although fascinated by the cows. Sunburn is sore now though.

Work was shit, in every way. Shit takings, shit customers, just...shit. Oh well, I like Sundays.

Lets hope pony manages to stay in the field tonight and not contort her way through the maze of fencing I've constructed....

Here we go again....

Already. Think I'm a couple of weeks ahead of where I should be.

Anyway. Everything's pathetic, useless and I am giant mass of (cooked) fat.

Bollocks.

Tired....

Today I went to the Tarn and ran (and walked) round 4 times. Then I went to the yard and rode cobbit. She was good, but *ahem* inattentive and unco-operative. Ended up just trundling down the lane to have something good. Has occured to me now that they were clay pigeon shooting tonight though.

Yesterday I worked then rode and I'm really stiff now. Did lots of work without stirrups and sitting jockey-esque (while praying to all sorts of Gods that she wouldnt suddenly invent a monster from somewhere) and am paying for it now. Gym tomorrow could be interesting.

Work is ok at the minute. Have been complimented on the fact I was in and stayed in a good mood for 2 days in a row! Yay me! Thats quite bad really, isnt it :S

Almost proud of myself

Check me out, in the gym.... 40minutes running (3.16miles), then rower, can't remember what fastest 300m was, but slowest was 1m13something, 10 minutes on the x trainer on level 14 AND THEN 10 minutes on the stepper. I hate the stepper. I get so bored.

Came home, did housework :geek: pootled about on the internet, went up and made sure pony got to go out in the field for once, then went running round the chevin with gymbitch.... This is what I'm not so proud of. I could have run so much more than I did :S I think anyway.

Pony's feet are appalling and I am looking for somewhere else for her to live I think. I'm not convinced she's getting to go out at all hence the horrid witch pony behaviour yesterday. There's another yard a bit further down on west chevin road. I'll look there.

I'm knackered now.

Feeling rubbish

Dont really know why, just do. I've been in a bad mood since i left the yard, for a variety of reasons. First off I went to the yard WANTING to ride, really wanting to do some schooling (yesterdays hack consisted mainly of tenseness) got there and she was in (again :grumps: ) so took her out and tied her at the doors while I mucked out. We had BrattyPony for a while and lots of dancing about, but the leadrope was never tight. Then :shockhorror: a group of horses trotted by on the lane. MY GOD. You'd think the world had ended. She had a fit and ended up breaking her leadrope then rampaged round the yard bucking and kicking for 20 minutes, not letting anyone within 2foot of her, and if they tried, she kicked. MOST unlike her, although I have pointed out that if she doesnt go out daily she gets silly the longer she's in.

Yard expressed astonishment that I was still going to ride and I was in a FOUL mood by this point, so admitted it was probably going to be wiser to lunge. Should have ridden. She was a lazy donkey on the lunge. Tomorrow we shall school.

So, I come home. Came through town and got stuck behind The Slowest Driver in the World. Took 5 minutes to get about 10 metres. They turned up towards home, so I decided to carry on up the hill and come across the crossways. Nearly crashed cos some dick pulled out in front of me as I was crossing the junction. So I enjoyed some road rage.

My phone is fuckarsing about as wel, every couple of hours or so it seems to shut down and to receive any messages I have to switch it off and on again, which means I didnt get to go for a run either which has also fucked me off greatly. I could, obviously, go on my own, only I wont because I know I wont run far enough. So that fact has pissed me off too. I'm in a great mood.

So now I'm at home uploading yet more stuff onto the ipod and Thinking while I'm doing it. I can feel myself getting more grumpy and down as the weeks go on and I am desperately trying to stay sane and it's not really happening. What really doesnt help now is I just cant stick to my points, I try so hard and I am fine until I get home (or about 3.30 if I'm at work). I still cant see this alleged thinness. I dont think I'll be happy until I see bones.

Told you...

5lbs on :(

Havent adjusted my points back up and I'll stick to it this week. Honest. My own fault though I've had such a bad food week.Although the Fat Fighters site is now down :bawling: so I can't even point anything now.

Walked up the chevin last night. It wasnt as bad as I thought it would be :blush: I'm not dead anyway although my thighs hurt!

bah :bawling:

measurements

Thursday May 1st 2008
L. calf - 17.5
R. calf - 17.5
L. thigh - 27
R. thigh - 28
Hips (inc tummy)- 48
top hips (on bellybutton)- 46.5
waist - 38
under boobs - 34
L upper arm - 14
R upper arm - 14

Staurday March 1st 2008
L. calf - 17
R. calf - 17
L. thigh - 28
R. thigh - 28
Hips (inc tummy)- 49
top hips (on bellybutton)- 49
waist - 38
under boobs - 34
L upper arm - 14
R upper arm - 14

Bah :bawling: So not gonna be thin for Ash on 31st.

And :eek: Race for Life is in 18 days.

measurements tomorrow

It wont be inspiring. Was going to have a fat scan tonight then decided I didnt want to know. Still dont.

Did gym, but that wasnt especially inspiring either, did walk for 1min/run for 3mins for 20minutes but wish I'd either gone longer or faster now. Cross trainer and rower were ok though - rower only cos gymbitch yelled at me. I really cant row any faster....

Wii Fit came, that thinks I'm rubbish too lol, although I did best at running, oh the irony...

Bonus gets paid on Friday...cant wait.

Spoke to ex about a divorce today. he reckons he's seen something where you dont involve courts or solicitors at all. Not right, surely? Or at least, not legal?

things and stuff

Had a funny day in that i havent started very much and finished even less today. My head is somewhere else entirely. I'd start a job, get distracted and then do something else.

Managed to hold my attention though for long enough to find out I'd got my bonus - weee!! Sadly tax has eaten a big chunk, but as Christopher keeps telling me, it's better than a poke in the eye with a shitty stick. It is, infinitely better. It'll pay for wii fit (which I dont actually appear to have been charged for...) and pay a bit off my saddle. Or go towards the extension. One of the two. Talking of wii fit, it arrived today, but they took it to the depot because there was no one in to sign for it :bawling: Rang up to try and get it delivered to work, but it was just a computer you talk to. I'm not hopeful of ever getting it tbh now!!

Then went running round the Tarn this evening, got drenched, it rained the whole time. Went twice round, took 20mins. Cant remember if thats any good or not. We run more than we walk though, for definate. Then went to do t'nag, full of 'I want to ride' type demeanor, but got there and she'd been fed. Dont have to do mornings now, weee! Although last night she had a tantrum about being out on her own. Am now bothered she might try and jump out into the lane :S So sja is gonna turn her out in the afternoon and she HAS to come in on a night. Even if it takes me 10 hours to catch the little bag.

Cos I couldnt ride, I went to the gym but it was rubbishrubbishrubbish. Only managed 10 mins on treadmill and did the rower. Thats it. Bollocks and a waste of time going. It was busy and my knee started to hurt. I must try and see if any hacks go left out of the yard, although they are clay pigeon shooting tomorrow night, hence it might be best not to try it then.

Pissed off about lack of exercise and have just eaten a big bowl of ice cream. No wonder I'm still fat.

Cool Cob

how the hell do you teach rising trot?

Cob was such a good girl yesterday, am so proud of her. She was lazy but that was no bad thing really, considering. I even did a tiny, piddy, not-even-a-jump jump, check me out...well, I say we jumped...I hate jumping out of trot - can't seem to get myself organised - so I just shut my eyes and prayed I didnt fall off. Then Gymbitch got on and we went for a trundle down the lane, she was such a good girl :D Had a trot (come on, how do you teach rising trot? Without laughing, preferably) and she didnt fall off! Check her out lol.

Shame for the whole day preceeding that I was a lazy assed bitch and did absolutely nothing, so predictably have put on weight this morning, but then, also I did eat shit all day and no exercise. Today I am back on the plan, it's a monday so no banking so will play out in the shop all day, then off to the Tarn (maybe 3 times today? See how TAM feels) then will ride this evening. Tempted to go for a hack but I'm not sure where. Am sure there's a bridleway if you go left out of the yard.

I have 10.5points left. Technically, had I not decided I wasnt going to drink for 2 weeks, I could have wine. Technically.

Tired.

I vowed yesterday, at work, that I wasnt drinking any alcohol at all for at least 2 weeks.

N came over last night, had one bottle to myself then started on the white russians. Shockingly dont feel too rubbish today (yet) and managed to resist a sausage sandwich from the farmers market.

Went round Danefield on pony while Nicola ran. Was muchos fun trotting off saying 'come on! just a bit further! to the bin! no, to the bench!' Maybe I have Gymbitch tendancies too? She whinged about the boy the whole way round then wanted to watch a DVD (mmm, socialble) but bitched cos everything we had reminded her of this boy, who, lets remember, she didnt actually want to to be with?!?!

I need to get back on track with eating, and MUST point wine. I do not have magical, non pointed wine, it makes me fat. Vodka, however, is far better points wise. Plus Chris prefers me on vodka :lol:

Must get motivated and do some cleaning and other boring domesticated shit, but itunes and, umm, spider solitaire is so much more fun..,.