So Very Tired

I think I've had 3 hours total sleep all night. Spent most of it on the Job Centre website (have printed off 2 jobs - neither related to pets) or trying to work out if any of the pet shops in the area are looking for people. Looks highly doubtful. OH is having a fit and keeps telling me to wait another week. But....How long has he been saying that? Love my job, but sick of the crap that comes with it.

Kitten stayed with me all night which was sweet, although the one time I DID fall asleep he started coughing up a hairball right by my ear, then proceeded to drink the glass of water I had left out for ME....

Got a cracking headache and in a foul mood already. I can tell today is going to be fun - it was N's 16th birthday yesterday so she will still be all giddy and overexcited from that - esp as its her party tonight! I can see myself having no friends at work by 5pm.

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Back from work, foul mood, ended up in tears with the INJUSTICE of everything today, having fallen out with everybody beforehand. Got banished to the shed, partly I think to stop any other huge displays of over emotional behaviour and partly because I was starting to make no sense at all I was so tired. I'm still impressed I didnt crawl onto a bale of hay and sleep there. At 3am this morning, I entertained the idea of going to the gym tonight. Nah. It's not gonna happen. Pizza, garlic bread (homemade), wine, long bath and sleep is FAR more appealing. Swimming in morning anyway. Have come home though, washed up, brought washing in and put it away, made tomorrow and Mondays lunch and made OH a cup of tea and a shortbread biscuit and turned his computer on for him by the time he was back from work too.

Food: half a packet of Planets, salad (ham/mozzerella/sun dried tomatoes/mushrooms), quavers, 1 shortbread biscuit, lots of PiMMs biscuits, half a salami & pie d'angloys sandwich, pizza, garlic bread, wine.

Exercise: None.

:bawling: :tantrum: :bawling:

Hypothetically, Potentially isn't happening at all. M1 being suspended on full pay for 1 week, then coming back under constant review. So am job hunting again. Fuckers.

As such have eaten shit today. 1 bacon, mushroom & brown sauce sandwich, 10 shortbread with chocolate chips, 1 strawberry bun, 1 salad (ham/mozzerella/stuffed mushrooms/sundried tomatoes), 1 packet quavers, half a chocolate muffin, 1 ham and pie d'angloys sandwich, half bottle rose wine (I broke one of my lovely big half-a-bottle-wine glasses :bawling: ), pilau rice, limey chicken, garlic ciabatta.

Spent ages at the gym. Did all my weights (2 reps of 10, have increased all the weights now, although I struggled A LOT with peck flyes and shoulder press), then accidentally did 26minutes on the cross trainer (I dont know how my mind was working - I did 10mins, then stopped for a break cos I thought it would pause what I had just done-it didnt- and then reprogrammed it to do another 13mins....crazy), 31 mins (inc warmup) on the treadmill and 10mins on the rower. Surprised I didnt have a heart attack by the time I came out. Now have a blister on my right foot.

Foul mood and wish I'd left months ago when I originally wanted to.

Will Hitch Back Up The Wagon Tomorrow....

Cos today I've had my last final, honest guv, big piggy fat day. Till the next time.

Still slightly dopey from the relexology, but have finally listened to Paul McKenna on the new cd player I got while at mum and dads. Dunno if its done any good but it might have contributed possibly... I only managed to leave the pork fat and the tiniest smidgen of Yorkshire pudding on this evenings tea. And I know I'm not hungry anymore, but I WANT some ice cream so OH has gone off to get some from the freezer :spoilt: :wub: but also :fat:

Went shopping with S - spent lots in Lush, some pants from La Senza and some hair dye!

Not much else to add, I really couldnt motivate myself to go to the gym tonight, I WILL go tomorrow and possibly saturday too...

May also find out tomorrow whether Hypothetically Potentially might happen.... :fingerscrossed:

All Treatment-ed Out

I am SHATTERED. We'll not talk about what I've eaten :blush:

Had reflexology today and :thud: lady was impressive. Picked up straight away on my poppy shoulder, my neck, sinuses and headaches, AND was able to tell me how long ago I gave up smoking, thanks to some hard skin on my left foot! Amazing. I am utterly shattered now though, which means I am in a foul mood.

Pedicure yesterday which was nice, but I put my socks on too early and have smudged the varnish. Oops.

OH and Dad went to France and have come back with all sorts of goodies, OH got me a lovely pair of trainers along with the millions of boxes of wine! Have been very good, as soon as we got home I got everything unpacked and either put away or in the washing machine - how domesticated have I got?!

Kitten is very pleased to be back home. Think he was getting upset with being constantly sworn at by siamese.

Also got a new pair of jeans - almost bordering on being too big on certain parts of my body.

Tomorrow, fingers crossed is Hypothetically Potentially becomming reality.

Off to parents today

So a week of no exercise, gluttony and people touching my feet :S

OH and I are off down to the farmers market to get some buffalo LOL and possibly some other stuff....Kitten has realised somethings happening and is generally being a pain in the arse.

Not going to blog till Wednesday as dont want parents to know this exists.

Now. Must get motivated and sorted.

Bum :(

Went into Leeds instead of Harrogate this morning after a blissful lie in...think we rolled out of bed about 10ish LOL. First stop was mk1...where the sizes STOP at 16 :bawling: Put me out of the idea of finding any nice clothes after that, so went to Lush to comfort shop, and STILL couldnt cheer myself up :thud: and only spent £13 :thud:

Went into Waterstones too, got myself a couple of books and then cos it was 3-for-2, got OH one too and a bag from somewhere that was closing down, so that can be my sports bag, rather than pinching OHs. Also some magazines from smiths, and that was it, we came away....OH got some tops and some bright-white (hehe) pants from H&M.

On the way home, scooted into town and got things for tonight from Waitrose and then wandered down to the butchers for some ham to take down to mums with us tomorrow.

Now have to summon up the enthusiasm to do hoovering, general tidying and start packing to make sure we have everything...

Food: chunk halloumi, toffee & pecan cookie, strawberry bun, 1 ham & pie d'angloys baguette, chicken breast with mozzerella & bacon, boiled potatoes, green beans, carrots, gravy, cranberry sauce, ben & jerrys ice cream :blush:

Exercise: none

YAAAAAYYYYY!!!!!!

I have really looked forward to this coming week off. Not sure why. Mum has booked me a pedicure and a reflexology session....

Shopping in Harrogate tomorrow, then Sunday there's the Farmers Market, then we're driving down, then I'm off to see Pony! Yay! Monday it's dads birthday, then Tuesday him and OH are off to France for the day and mum and I are having our pedicure. Wednesday we're having this reflexology malarky and then coming home. Thursday I assume will be spent doing Boring Jobs and Friday am back at work and will hopefully find out if Hypothetically Potentially has become a Definate Reality :lol:

Lazy day at work, spent the morning sweeping everywhere, including under the tubs and under the stands. D did W&C, SC did bugger all and LovelyM spent most of his day requesting relationship advice...He needs a boyfriend. Badly!

Was a bit achey this morning, but sweeping worked it off and then I spent the afternoon in the shed, mainly chasing (notso)LovelyM with a pitchfork because he was being spectacularly irritating for the afternoon. Just back from the gym and worked Very Hard. Have a blister from the rower LOL. Just as well have enforced rest!

Food: quavers, salad (ham/cheddar/salad cream), muller light, maltesers, have D's bacon savoury, crunchy nut cornflakes, 1 large baguette with ham & pie d'angloys, 1 bowl Waitrose Gelato Nocciolato....Fucking lovely, although made gym visit pointless! Has dark chocolate in it, which I didnt realise til I'd eaten most of it, so may have a migraine tomorrow. Didn't stop me eating it! And sorry Paul...I didnt leave ANY of my food today, although I did share the quavers & maltesers.

Exercise: 120 situps, gym (increased weights up a 'weight' so now doing 2 sets of 10, put cross trainer on level 6,

Little Toad...

NeedyKitten that is. Has somehow found his catnip from whereever it was hidden - me and OH both thought it was on the mantlepeice in the living room, but that would involve the cat going in there last night, stealing it, then hiding it ready to spill everywhere this morning.... although knowing him, I wouldnt put it past him lol. The hallway is just a sea of catnip....He will have a shock when I hoover tonight!!

Currently eating a bowl of Crunchy nut cornflakes, very slowly and am enjoying every mouthful :nod: as told to by Paul McKenna. Must listen to that CD tonight, as definately have not woken up full of energy and ready to run 10 miles! I have left some remnants of cornflakes and some milk in the bowl though, just like he told me to...

Only today and tomorrow left at work and then a whole week off (again!) I will have no holiday left soon lol.
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Just back from work....Been so proud of myself all day for not being so hungry and was wondering if Paul was helping! No, I just forgot I had eaten those cornflakes :bawling: I did however leave bits of all my food so far today (except the chocolate hobnobs :blush: ).

Went to S' gym this evening. Very different to mine. The cross trainers made my legs ache more for a start! Did a different programme to what I do at Aireborough....5mins on bike to warm up, 15 on x-trainer, then 10 on rower. Then we arsed about on a toning table for a bit, then I did oblique twists (dont have that at mine, although do have one here at home which I forgot about), Pec Flys, adductor and abductor. They HURT!!! Oh, and one for your bum - you lie on front then lift on leg up at a time on this machiney thing. Very odd. Don't feel particularly worked out though, although will regret saying that tomorrow - I can feel it already!

Busybusy at work, SC was irritating, started waffling on about shires 'crap feet' until I got so irritated, I just turned round and said 'Actually SC, thats just bad farriery...' Looked at me as though I'd just kicked a kitten and walked off. Also made lots of unsubtle hints about baths, and walking dogs and making sure they had water. I'm so awful.

Food: 1 bowl crunchy nut cornflakes, porridge, muller light, quavers, 2 hobnobs, 2 rice cakes with laughing cow light cheese, limey chicken, pilau rice, homemade garlic bread

Exercise: Gym

:cuddle: and :goodvibes: for today, E :)

(Just finished tea....didn't leave any of it. Or the rice cakes...)

Yay!! Books came!

And am a bit :huh: It seems fairly common sense-y really and all a bit too easy. I stand to be corrected, obviously, but *dunno* it just seems, well, too easy. Maybe the epiphany will come when i listen to the CD.

There's 4 'rules' - only 2 of which I can remember. 1 is eat what you want, when you want. The other I can remember is chew each mouthful slowly and savour each mouthful.

I managed the first of those, but not the second today :blush:

He says dont weigh yourself for 2 weeks :S thats when I tend to give up when I can't see how I'm doing....But suppose it fits in nicely with us being at mum and dads next week. He also suggests making sure you leave SOMETHING each meal...have cheated tonight and left the crusts, which I never eat anyway lol.

Work wasnt too bad. M1 is an utter arse and I can't wait for him to go. OH told me I eat too much and don't do enough exercise to lose weight :( Although the past 2 weeks I would have to agree with him :(

Food: salad (ham/halloumi/salad cream), muller light, quavers, 1 qalaxy cake bar, lots of caramel & choc biscuits, lots of Hobnobs, a packet of maltesers, half a bacon and cheese savory, a big bowl of crunchy nut cornflakes, 1 salami & pie d'angloys sandwich, 1 ham & pie d'angloys sandwich.

Exercise: 70lengths swimming. Pool was empty! Well, full of women. Their OHs were all obviously watching the football too :rolleyes:

A gaining week :(

Paul McKenna ('s book) will have his work cut out!

COnvincing me I dont NEED nice things to eat, then getting grumpy when I refuse them (or not, as the case may be, then I get an attack of the guilts).

Amazon emailed me to say my order was dispatched today, so hopefully will get it tomorrow :crossedfingers:

Super-busy at work. M1 came back off holiday and was fine with everyone else but FOUL to me :unsure: *I* didnt contribute to his problems! Asked him to serve, and he shouted back to ask someone else - I shouted back that if anyone else was about to serve, I would! He came out then, but was NOT happy about it.I really wished Owner was there then... I would have loved to have seen his face. I dont care. I only have to put up with it till Friday, then hopefully never again. Stupid arse.

Tomorrow just me and Mr D in the shop.... Got hopper/biscuit kilos/bird kilos/stands to do plus the shop could do with a bloody good tidy up. It's so frustrating with the builders in - everythings had to move for them to be able to work, but its embarrassing when people ask us for stuff and it's either covered in dust or we just plain can't find it.

I am tired today, despite the fact I had a good sleep last night...I'm so pleased everything is resolved, and in the ponys best interests too. I am still going to see her on Sunday afternoon and I cannot WAIT. It's a nice day as well, which has helped my better mood.

Food: 2 packers Quavers, 1 packet maltesers, salad (ham/mozzerella/halloumi/salad cream), muller light, 1 baguette with salami & pie d'angloys, half a pizza (homemade) and half a homemade garlic bread.

Exercise: 5minutes (48.8calories) on bike, 60 sit ups and either 50 lengths in 50 minutes in the pool, or 54 lengths in 50 minutes....I lost count.

(just got on scales....bit of a heads for tomorrow, but HALF A STONE ON! :bawling: )

Sorted

The Situation is no longer a Situation.

Pony is staying where she is, I am visiting on Sunday, we are pretending the last 2 weeks havent happened. Well, I am :unsure:

Now exhausted.

Utterly Exhausted

Only this time I know why..... Can't sleep for thinking of The Situation. :( Whatever happens it will be wrong. I have emailed a horse transport search thingy who make you fill out a form and then all the different transporters get back in touch with their quotes. Will wait till I have a few, then email V and tell her when we're coming to get Pony/Stuff. Not really sure what to do though tbh.

The options:

1. Offer Pony to V for sale, as long as I get £xxxx by a certain date. This is on the understanding that I will never have any further contact with the horse, as long as I get one last chance to say goodbye. (lets not confuse concern with stalking, hey?)

2. Bring Pony back, turn away on grass livery until back/legs sorted. Ask EH to reschool her/take her to parties, then sell.

3. Bring Pony back, turn away on grass livery until back/legs sorted. Loan to a very local home only.

4. Bring Pony back, discover nothing wrong, sell immediately.

5. Bring Pony back, disover pony knackered, field ornament forever.

Also had a shit day with food. I have no willpower and self control - I think I may be expecting too much of this Paul McKenna book.

Was meant to go for a walk with OH tonight, but OH has cried off cos 'it looks like it might rain', thought about going to the gym with S but she's working and I really need someone with me to motivate me and be competitive with today.

Food: half ham & pie d'angloys sandwich, 2 rice cakes with laughing cow light cheese, a twirl (2 fingers), 3/4s packet chocolate hobnobs :blush: salad, quavers, muller light, lamb, boiled potatoes, yorkshire pudding, green beans, carrots, gravy, mint sauce.

Exercise: Nothing.

Very tired!

And not for any particular reason why. Didnt swim this morning because me and OH just couldnt wake up. Eventually rolled out of bed around 9.20 :shock:

Really must pull finger out and look for yards. I suspect I will end up going back to Original Yard, purely for ease rather than anything else. People I know, a yard layout I know, arenas and hacking I am confident with, if I ever sit on her again. A big shame it appears V & I can't work things out though :( Had got myself all worked up for The Chat tonight, and it looks like she can't get to a computer. Heart skips everytime someone new signs into MSN. I am so pathetic.

Acquired (aka, stole) a petometre from work. I'm sure its quicker to rack up the calories than on my old (human!) one. Maybe a dogs metabolic rate is quicker than a humans, despite the fact I put my weight in? I dont know.

I am so hungry, constantly. Had eaten most of my lunch before we even opened the doors today. Just till Friday to go, then I have a half week off to see my parents, then hopefully The Big News will be common knowledge....If it happens.

Food: 1 salad (chicken/mozzerella/halloumi/cranberry sauce), quavers, twirl (both fingers!), 2 Go Ahead apple bars, muller light, 2 rice cakes with 1 triangle laughing cow light, 1 ham & pie d'angloys sandwich, roast lamb, boiled potatoes, yorkshire pudding, carrots, peas, gravy, mint sauce.

Very yummy. I could eat it all again.

Exercise: Nothing.

Dont know whats wrong with me. No enthusiasm for anything really. Have just bought Paul McKennas book....Hopefully that will kick start everything again. If that works will think about hypnotherapy for confidence etc. I have no idea how I am going to pay for all this though....

Bargains!

I really must stop spending so much money, especially in light of everything...

Show today, went with works tradestand - took the whole stock of dog beds and we were SO busy!! We must have taken about £500, which considering at the same show last year, we took £7 is going some lol. I got some bargains from the Joules stand (:thud: there was a Joules stand!) and got a summerweight pale blue rugby top which was £50 reduced to £25 and a neon pink jacket which was £85 reduced to £40. Bargainous. Also some red jewelled flip flops which will go well with jeans and my boobs out red top. Must do something about the state of my feet though!

Had a horrendous day food wise. I took a salad, but there was so much temptation everywhere....

Food: 1 bacon sandwich, 1 cheeseburger, chips and tomato sauce, 4 donuts, 2 hot chocolates with whipped cream, 2 bowls crunchy nut cornflakes, 1 turkish delight, quavers, muller light, salad (ham/mozzerella/halloumi/salad cream).

Exercise: I walked down to the show and then back home (about 25mins total) and have done 200 calories on the bike so far.

The huge loss I managed over the last 2/3 days has been totally wiped out. Bah.

Annoyed with Myself

Must not be overexcited about Hypothetically, Potentially, but Hypothetically, Potentially, SOMETHING *MAY* be happening around the beginning of Juneish time. Possibly.

Had such a lovely sleep last night, I was utterly exhausted from the night before, and could happily have slept for days. OH on the other hand, didnt, and was wide awake from around 4am.

Work wasnt too bad, still can't concentrate, and still occasionally had to run in the office, shut the door, scream quietly, and come back out again lol. Undecided re the Pony Situation. I dont feel I have been the unreasonable one, but then, I wouldnt, would I? I really dont know what to do, or how to feel. One minute I am over excited about having her back, planning stuff, looking round yards, trying to work out when is best for me to have her... The other side, thinks 'fuck, how am I going to pay for all this? Its not in pony's best interests, I hated that yard, why am I thinking of going back, I wasn't confident on her in a Dr Bristol & a flash, how will I feel with a cheltenham gag and a grackle?' etcetc. The best situation is if the loaner buys her now, but somehow doubt that will happen. At worst, will just have to give her 6months off, get a friend to ride then sell before winter - I cannot afford her. Its a horrible decision, but I have proved I cannot cope with her still being mine and somewhere else. Best if she belongs to someone else and I cut all ties.

So been totally unable to concentrate all day - head is partway Somewhere Down South, partway in the office talking to the owner, partly on the W&C order, partly on the yards I'm going to look at... Basically everywhere it shouldnt be.

Building work is coming on. Wall is totally out now, and beam is in. The metal things holding it all up should come out on Monday, and hopefully the shop wont fall down. Then I think the office is being pulled down, then the counter is moving....then the front is coming off the shop. I wish we'd taken pics, because it will all look so different.

Still havent been to gym or swimming. Another piggy day.

Went to Drs, apparently weight gain is very normal, and although she didnt weigh me (dont they learn?!) accepted I had lost weight, and said it was good, although she could imagine how disheartening it was that it was going so slowly. Suggested the coil as another option. I dont think it is one I will take up. Said the periods thing was totally normal.

Food: 1 bacon & mushroom & brown sauce bun, 1 slice pizza, salad (ham/mozzerella/halloumi/salad cream) muller light, 2 rice cakes with laughing cow light, 1 ham & pie d'angloys sandwich, 1 chocolate muffin, chicken, yorkshire pudding, green beans, carrots, boiled potatoes, cranberry sauce, half bottle pink wine.

Exercise: Nowt. Nada. Bugger all.

Hypothetically, Potentially

No reply to apology. :( I really dont know what to say or do. Have a list of 20 yards to ring round in the morning. I really dont want to go back to where she was before, but if I have to, I have to. I suppose its better the devil you know really.

Had very little sleep last night, about 4 hours max. Meant that I couldnt get too worked up about today, until Owner actually arrived. I've been left a little bit :huh: and *dizzy* over the review. Basically, I have come out of it looking great, which was a shock! I underestimated myself on everything. M1 did some very political voting and gave everybody horrific scores.... Had it not been for that, my overall score would have been a good 4.5-5 (out of 6) rather than the steady 4 it was. The funniest thing I have EVER heard, is that he gave everyone 2/3 for time keeping - and gave himself 4s & 5s :heehee: This is the man that regularly rocks up at 9.45am, then goes to the bank at 10am, gets back at 11am, and goes for a 3 hour lunch at midday. I can only assume he thought he was marking 1 as the highest LOL. Hypothetically, Potentially, IF eithers M1,2 or 3 were to leave, there will be a new position created for someone (me) to move into. Hypothetically, Potentially, Someone might be leaving in 3weeks time. This means a hefty payrise, lots more input and responsibility, a salary, rather than the rota (no more overtime, boo), so Hypothetically, Potentially, keep those fingers crossed for a while longer. It totally hasnt sunk in yet, I keep wondering if I have made it up. I cant let myself get too overexcited for another 3 weeks. However, I have already mentally spent the money!

Spent most of the day eating chocolate and biscuits. Am pissed off now, as there was a significant loss this morning. Didnt go to gym either as was exhausted by the time I finished work. Am also shocked at the 'comedown' I had at 4pm - I havent had such an amount of chocolate for so long, and that combined with the review and last night, meant that come 4pm I was exhausted and physically couldnt do anything more taxing than chat to builders.

Food: Quavers, salad (ham/mozzerella/salad cream), 1 chocolate muffin, lots of chocolate hobnobs, 1 packet of Planets, some Hula Hoops, some Aero bubbles most of a pack of Rolos, pizza, garlic bread.

Exercise: Nothing. At all.

Having Her Back

Both Yay! and Nay!

I'm pleased to have her back, but also, I hate the way it has ended. We were both at fault and neither will accept full responsibility. Need to find a yard now.

Havent swum tonight.

Food: boiled potatoes, sausages, beans, carrots, gravy, chocolate, quavers, salad (ham/mozzerella/salad cream), muller light.

Exercise: None. A mini walk on chevin while trying to contact V and then gabbing to Corinna for a bit.

:thud: A Reply!!

At midnight last night and :S dunno.

'Is everything ok? I've just seen post on the forum :S I sent you a txt the day before yesterday, didnt you get it? And I went to the internet cafe but you went offline. Havent spoken to the vet re Dectomax but visit is already booked and she did say at the time no other treatment available. Have to work on Sunday. If you come Monday, I have 2 hours off over lunch but not allowed holidays yet as only been here a couple of weeks. You can come and see her on your own no probs, no one will bother you and can definately skive for half an hour or so :)'

So, hmmm. At 2am I came to the conclusion I *may* tell her the sale is off (there is nothing in writing as such to say M was ever offered for sale) and update the contract, put in a few more specific clauses.

Am still yet to reply to the text. Not sure what to put. No weight loss.

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9.30pm. replied, saying I didnt like the fact I'd sent 7 messages to her 1 reply, and re-asked all the questions I asked in previous texts. Still waiting for an answer. She's been online.

Food: salad (ham, mozzerella, salad cream), quavers, grapes, 2 mini yorkie bars, half a packet maltesers (:blush:), limey chicken, pilau rice, 6 biscuits

Exercise: 50 lengths in the pool

Nearly 36 hours later

I still dont have a reply! I sent another text at around 7pm as well, no reply to that either.There are Plans in place!

Went to gym this eve, but didnt manage whole routine - it was PACKED. Will try not to go on a Monday evening again I think, it was so busy. Or if I do go, will go later than tonight. Didnt get on rower, leg press,seated row or pec flies.

Finally have an almost date for my review! Either Wednesday or Thursday morning.Starting to prepare my speech.

Food: salad (ham & salad cream), yoghurt, quavers, maltesers, tomato and pasta bake, HUGE garlic bread, banoffi pie (bought when I thought I was going to do whole gym routine!)

Exercise: Gym, 60 sit ups

Hiccups!

Had them since about 4pm, they stopped while I was at the gym but have not started again - but I HAVE eaten my tea very quickly!

Odd day, lots of texts sent, but none in return. Still waiting for a reply from one I sent 10hours ago. Sigh.

Did a bit less at the gym today - 15minutes on treadmill (after 11 warmup), 15 on cross trainer and 10 on rower, then weights. I feel like I've worked though!!

Food: salad (ham/cheddar/salad cream), muller light, quavers, pasta bake with pork and tomato, garlic bread

Exercise: gym, 20 sit ups