I'm just being rubbish because I havent had to motivate myself yet today. S did nags this morning, so I havent HAD to get up and moving yet. Wish I'd done them, it looks like it's going to rain any second, FH will be wet. In fact, I know it's going to rain, I've just put some washing out.
I've just paid some money off my credit card so am feeling marginally less horrified by that. Marginally. At least I'm using everything though, it's not just pointless rubbish!! Hope my bodyshop stuff comes soon.
I want to know when I get to see this weight loss. Logically I know I have lost weight and therefore size, but I dont SEE it and I know no one believes me and they're getting infuriated but I genuinely dont. This is why I'm scared for if I ever get the money to have the surgery I covet, who's to say I'll feel any better? I might not like it on principle (I'm that sort of person) or I might STILL not see any difference.
I had the oddest dream last night as well, it's made me feel a bit weird. I must get back in touch with the ex about the divorce, but I dont really have the money to at the minute. Plus I want to look amazing. Not because I want him back, but because I just...do. I can't explain why.
All rubbish and I can't even explain how I feel properly. Gymming tonight with Fanny. I can't decide if it's going to be a washout or if it's all ok. I might go a bit earlier and get on the treadmill before she gets there.
Wednesday, 16 July 2008
Tuesday, 15 July 2008
What if
What if, I lose all this weight, and I'm still the same person underneath it all?
What do I do then?
What do I do then?
well, at least it's a loss/
Food ban went amazingly...Didnt eat at all until after FatClub tonight. Shame though that I was starving and have eaten almost double my points since I got back :rolleyes:
Seriously, I'm still hungry :unsure: thats not right, surely?
Anyway, I keep mantra-ing 'it's still a loss, it's still a loss' to myself but I;ll be honest, it's not really working. Half a pound? Rubbish. Just as well I didnt eat all day cos it would have been a definate gain. And I remembered to wear the same clothes, check me out.
Rode this morning. Think she likes the gelpad, there was no fannying about while I was putting the saddle on today and she worked nicely when she wasnt gawping at just about everything in the world. Came back from yard and went down to the gym. Was ok, yesterday I did the running on a 5% incline but I just couldnt manage it today, so just did 4%, so that's not so good. Rower and cross trainer were ok though.
Went back home then went up the yard and 'strimmed' with a schooling whip until the sun came out and then we strimmed with a proper strimmer. Yard will be unrecogniseable come the Jumpathon.
Oh, god, the Jumpathon. I'm going to die. There's banners, there's other horses, there's JUMPING. I might claim inability to ride, get all the poles on the floor and have someone lead me round. It's going to go one of 3 ways. 1, she's going to be an utter tit and I'll fall off before I even get to a fence (or even in the field, if she spots the banner), 2, she'll jump, I wont or 3, she'll jump, I'll jump, I'll get overconfident and then fall off. I've ensured there's vodka for afterwards, bugger the food, I want the alcohol.
NOW I feel like I eaten too much (only feel? I KNOW I have), why cant I feel like this when I've eaten? Even up to the sandwich I was belly rumblingly hungry!! Rubbish.
Seriously, I'm still hungry :unsure: thats not right, surely?
Anyway, I keep mantra-ing 'it's still a loss, it's still a loss' to myself but I;ll be honest, it's not really working. Half a pound? Rubbish. Just as well I didnt eat all day cos it would have been a definate gain. And I remembered to wear the same clothes, check me out.
Rode this morning. Think she likes the gelpad, there was no fannying about while I was putting the saddle on today and she worked nicely when she wasnt gawping at just about everything in the world. Came back from yard and went down to the gym. Was ok, yesterday I did the running on a 5% incline but I just couldnt manage it today, so just did 4%, so that's not so good. Rower and cross trainer were ok though.
Went back home then went up the yard and 'strimmed' with a schooling whip until the sun came out and then we strimmed with a proper strimmer. Yard will be unrecogniseable come the Jumpathon.
Oh, god, the Jumpathon. I'm going to die. There's banners, there's other horses, there's JUMPING. I might claim inability to ride, get all the poles on the floor and have someone lead me round. It's going to go one of 3 ways. 1, she's going to be an utter tit and I'll fall off before I even get to a fence (or even in the field, if she spots the banner), 2, she'll jump, I wont or 3, she'll jump, I'll jump, I'll get overconfident and then fall off. I've ensured there's vodka for afterwards, bugger the food, I want the alcohol.
NOW I feel like I eaten too much (only feel? I KNOW I have), why cant I feel like this when I've eaten? Even up to the sandwich I was belly rumblingly hungry!! Rubbish.
Today isnt a good day
Already, I can feel myself getting worked up and uptight about FatClub tonight - I KNOW I've put on weight and the weigher goes to the gym and everytime she sees me she goes on about how much exercise I do and how much I'll have lost *this* week, and I havent this time. It's my own fault I've eaten rubbish, and KNOWN I've eaten rubbish too but not done anything to stop it. Think I might do kickstart again this week, but that is entirely dependant on me being able to stop eating :rolleyes:
Still. About to go up and do horses. Hope Molly in a good mood, I'm too tired this morning to cope with anything other than angelic behaviour. Will do some more exercises from The Book and I'll see how she likes her new pad. I'm still in the horrors about that. It is nice though.... If I end up not using it for her I'll stick it in my gym trainers or something :lol: It's very heavy though :S
I was thinking last night, while I still want cosmetic surgery, what if I have it done and I still dont like it? What do I do then? What do I do if I never get to my holy grail weight of 11 stone? Although I'm sure at least a stone of that is my tits. What happens if this is my 'happy weight'? What do i do if my top half keeps getting smaller and my arse and hips still stay wobbly and bulbously fat? What if it never happens, what do I do then?
Might buy a running top. I dont know why. Then thats it, I must stop shopping.
Still. About to go up and do horses. Hope Molly in a good mood, I'm too tired this morning to cope with anything other than angelic behaviour. Will do some more exercises from The Book and I'll see how she likes her new pad. I'm still in the horrors about that. It is nice though.... If I end up not using it for her I'll stick it in my gym trainers or something :lol: It's very heavy though :S
I was thinking last night, while I still want cosmetic surgery, what if I have it done and I still dont like it? What do I do then? What do I do if I never get to my holy grail weight of 11 stone? Although I'm sure at least a stone of that is my tits. What happens if this is my 'happy weight'? What do i do if my top half keeps getting smaller and my arse and hips still stay wobbly and bulbously fat? What if it never happens, what do I do then?
Might buy a running top. I dont know why. Then thats it, I must stop shopping.
Monday, 14 July 2008
Uh-oh, I'm in trouble...
Went to Beavers and have spent FARFARFAR too much. I had shopping-guilt while I was buying...that's never happened before.
I only went in for a hat :unsure:
Came out with a hat (thankfully) plus a plain black hat silk, some offset stirrup treads, some girth guards, a kimblewick to try (my bit obsession clearly hasnt diminished) a saddle cloth, some smart pink and grey bandages, a couple of bandage pads and, umm.... a stupidly expensive gel pad. It was 2 weeks livery expensive. It's very nice... Was desperate to try it out, so went up and pikeyed the pony round the arena - no hat ( :rolleyes: ) jeans and trainers. Hat is far too nice for pikeying.
Rode (properly) this morning, did lots of exercises from the 101 schooling tips book, very successful session this morning. Helped having some sort of structure to it anyway. So, this morning was good. Did a proper muck out too, made the FatCamp a bit bigger for her, scrubbed out her water bowls, cleaned all my tack (a proper-take-it-all-apart clean too) and swept the yard totally. Came home, showered, went to the tack shop and spent a third world debt, then met Fanny at the gym...I can't go with her again, she just makes me laugh too much and I keep almost falling over or just not doing as well as I SHOULD.So gymmed and came home and had breakfast/lunch/food at half 4. I'm cross though because I've never not eaten for so long (good, obviously), but then when I DID eat I just troughed everything in sight...so tomorrow will be shit. Have done the core section of my Nell DVD tonight as well...Wont do any good. UNLESS I can just not eat until after fatclub, which is unlikely.
So....thats all I've done today. It took forever and I've been busy all day, but I dont really feel like I've acheived very much.
I have been good though, so far. So there's an achievement in itself.
I only went in for a hat :unsure:
Came out with a hat (thankfully) plus a plain black hat silk, some offset stirrup treads, some girth guards, a kimblewick to try (my bit obsession clearly hasnt diminished) a saddle cloth, some smart pink and grey bandages, a couple of bandage pads and, umm.... a stupidly expensive gel pad. It was 2 weeks livery expensive. It's very nice... Was desperate to try it out, so went up and pikeyed the pony round the arena - no hat ( :rolleyes: ) jeans and trainers. Hat is far too nice for pikeying.
Rode (properly) this morning, did lots of exercises from the 101 schooling tips book, very successful session this morning. Helped having some sort of structure to it anyway. So, this morning was good. Did a proper muck out too, made the FatCamp a bit bigger for her, scrubbed out her water bowls, cleaned all my tack (a proper-take-it-all-apart clean too) and swept the yard totally. Came home, showered, went to the tack shop and spent a third world debt, then met Fanny at the gym...I can't go with her again, she just makes me laugh too much and I keep almost falling over or just not doing as well as I SHOULD.So gymmed and came home and had breakfast/lunch/food at half 4. I'm cross though because I've never not eaten for so long (good, obviously), but then when I DID eat I just troughed everything in sight...so tomorrow will be shit. Have done the core section of my Nell DVD tonight as well...Wont do any good. UNLESS I can just not eat until after fatclub, which is unlikely.
So....thats all I've done today. It took forever and I've been busy all day, but I dont really feel like I've acheived very much.
I have been good though, so far. So there's an achievement in itself.
Sunday, 13 July 2008
Finally....
This is probably the least time I've ever waited for a week off, but it seems to have taken the longest ever to come round.
Had a bit of a rubbish morning, woke up still with the paranoid feelings of last night wheeling about my head, not helped by twattySILs comments of how much prettier SHE was (bitch) so was fairly rubbish in the gym. Well, *I* was rubbish but not at the program. Think I might do 15mins on treadmill instead of 10 (maybe try a couple of 5 or 6%... did it today) and 10 on the rower from now on. I love it, I reallyreally do.
Occured to me earlier I've been to the gym SIX times this week. And been for a run, and ridden and done my Nell DVD and Wii Fitted. Did the core section before horses/gym/work this morning. God I need to work on that, I'm so rubbish and I can't be an effective, good rider until thats better.
Was going to ride tonight, but decided to wash fathorses legs instead, she has mud fever again, really badly on her offhind. I really thought I was going to find maggots or something under there cos it really stank, but there is lovely pink skin under the scabs, so hopefully all good. Have Protection Plussed it and cut all the hair round it right back. I think I'm going to have to admit defeat and get Nicola out to sedate her and start to clip her legs out again.
Going to take my schooling exercises book up there tomorrow and going to start work on the pair of us.
Have had a rubbish food day and wine tonight, but...fuck it, if I've put on weight its not cos I've not done enough exercise this week. Check me out being a grown up about it all. For now.
I hurt, I'm such a dick at times.
Had a bit of a rubbish morning, woke up still with the paranoid feelings of last night wheeling about my head, not helped by twattySILs comments of how much prettier SHE was (bitch) so was fairly rubbish in the gym. Well, *I* was rubbish but not at the program. Think I might do 15mins on treadmill instead of 10 (maybe try a couple of 5 or 6%... did it today) and 10 on the rower from now on. I love it, I reallyreally do.
Occured to me earlier I've been to the gym SIX times this week. And been for a run, and ridden and done my Nell DVD and Wii Fitted. Did the core section before horses/gym/work this morning. God I need to work on that, I'm so rubbish and I can't be an effective, good rider until thats better.
Was going to ride tonight, but decided to wash fathorses legs instead, she has mud fever again, really badly on her offhind. I really thought I was going to find maggots or something under there cos it really stank, but there is lovely pink skin under the scabs, so hopefully all good. Have Protection Plussed it and cut all the hair round it right back. I think I'm going to have to admit defeat and get Nicola out to sedate her and start to clip her legs out again.
Going to take my schooling exercises book up there tomorrow and going to start work on the pair of us.
Have had a rubbish food day and wine tonight, but...fuck it, if I've put on weight its not cos I've not done enough exercise this week. Check me out being a grown up about it all. For now.
I hurt, I'm such a dick at times.
Bad girl
In all sorts of ways.
Friday night....top night, fabby to see everyone, but I ate appallingly and it showed yesterday at work by the fact I was grumpy all day and had no energy whatsoever. Even managed to break the habit of a lifetime and NOT get drunk at the weevils house. I had one glass and that was it!! Check me out. But it does mean I can't even blame my gluttony on the fact my willpower was out the window :rolleyes:
Work, like I said, was rubbish yesterday....Tried doing some retail therapy to cheer myself up, didnt work cos I spent a ridiculous amount, now I have shopping-guilt. Got a new bit to try, a new girth (cos at least FatHorse is getting thinner even if I'm not), a LW turnout rug (I subbumbed...but only cos I want to ride - the weather will clear up for summer now) some new boots for me and a pair of half chaps that won't fit because they'll be too small, but at least it's something to thin into which wont be as baggy as the ones I have now. Banking just would NOT balance yesterday, Chris wouldnt believe me and came in to sort it out, but he couldnt get it to balance either. Made him bring me in some emergency chocolate which is BAD because he bought in a pack of fun sized chocolate bars. I've eaten 6 of a packet of 10.
Was allowed to leave a bit early cos it was his dads birthday party last night, thought about going for a run, but my knees ache a bit so i did my nell dvd and some Yoga on WiiFit instead.
The party was ok, the usual suspects, being farmers. Once again I. Did. Not. Drink. At all!! Chris got embarrassingly drunk so I drove home - he was even too pissed to moan I was going to fast. Ate rubbish again though. Couldnt bring myself to go to where the food was because there was too many people up there (what is WRONG with me??) so Chris went and got a HUGE pile of rubbishy food which I picked at and there was a big tub of pringles left near me for too long so I ate most of that too, if not all of them, actually. Bollocks. So this week is a weight gail week, I'm sure of it. Must remember to wear the same clothes as last week.
Still, vegetables tonight and tomorrow and a proper food ban would be good!!
Just today to get through then I have all next week off....can;t wait.
Friday night....top night, fabby to see everyone, but I ate appallingly and it showed yesterday at work by the fact I was grumpy all day and had no energy whatsoever. Even managed to break the habit of a lifetime and NOT get drunk at the weevils house. I had one glass and that was it!! Check me out. But it does mean I can't even blame my gluttony on the fact my willpower was out the window :rolleyes:
Work, like I said, was rubbish yesterday....Tried doing some retail therapy to cheer myself up, didnt work cos I spent a ridiculous amount, now I have shopping-guilt. Got a new bit to try, a new girth (cos at least FatHorse is getting thinner even if I'm not), a LW turnout rug (I subbumbed...but only cos I want to ride - the weather will clear up for summer now) some new boots for me and a pair of half chaps that won't fit because they'll be too small, but at least it's something to thin into which wont be as baggy as the ones I have now. Banking just would NOT balance yesterday, Chris wouldnt believe me and came in to sort it out, but he couldnt get it to balance either. Made him bring me in some emergency chocolate which is BAD because he bought in a pack of fun sized chocolate bars. I've eaten 6 of a packet of 10.
Was allowed to leave a bit early cos it was his dads birthday party last night, thought about going for a run, but my knees ache a bit so i did my nell dvd and some Yoga on WiiFit instead.
The party was ok, the usual suspects, being farmers. Once again I. Did. Not. Drink. At all!! Chris got embarrassingly drunk so I drove home - he was even too pissed to moan I was going to fast. Ate rubbish again though. Couldnt bring myself to go to where the food was because there was too many people up there (what is WRONG with me??) so Chris went and got a HUGE pile of rubbishy food which I picked at and there was a big tub of pringles left near me for too long so I ate most of that too, if not all of them, actually. Bollocks. So this week is a weight gail week, I'm sure of it. Must remember to wear the same clothes as last week.
Still, vegetables tonight and tomorrow and a proper food ban would be good!!
Just today to get through then I have all next week off....can;t wait.
Wednesday, 9 July 2008
Another good day
Definately time for a national holiday. :nod:
Dunno why today was such a good day, but woke up before the alarm, got all my jobs I need to do before I leave on a morning done in about 3 seconds and was on the yard by 6.40am. FatHorse got a brush waved in her general direction and tack thrown on and took her in the school. Was levelled last night so was lovely to ride on. I might put a jump up tomorrow as I'm not putting out in morning so Soph and &G will be out in the field. I really do need to arrange some lessons with her, she falls in horrendously and if she's not falling in, she falls out and utterly ignores me. Very frustrating. Schooling books have been dispatched so they'll be here Friday probably...want them now!! Should have paid the extra for quicker delivery.
Got to work to find a STACK of work that needed doing, but it was All Good, I've decided I'm far better working alone, with lots of things on. I hate being distracted from doing stuff and I hate having to keep an eye on what other people are doing even more. Owner came in and told me the Thing I'm Not Meant To Know, although I'm still not meant to know it. Also told me something extra I'm not meant to know...I need to work extra hard to ensure everything goes to plan....So, shockingly, that made me really happy, rather than panicking about how I might not do it.
Second work related (sort of...) thing that made me happy was my food competition... Ate at 2pm, check me out. Did eat it all at once, but I've been ok, but then we had tea pretty much as soon as I got in from work. I'm not really hungry now, but if offered food, I could certainly eat it...Can't decide whether to save the 2.5points I have left for Fat-BBQ on Friday, or have something a bit later. Plus I have just remembered it's Chris' dads birthday party on Saturday night. Lots of food about then too. Think I'd better save them, despite I would happily eat...I dunno, something that's 2.5 points.
So, thats all good. The architect came round tonight and he doesnt think there'll be any problems with the plans for the extension. He's sending them off tonight, so in 8 weeks time it'll either be yes or no...He said as well to get builder quotes now, rather than closer to when we want it doing, so all very exciting. Can't WAIT to redecorate.
Just got back from the gym, I LOVE my ubershort program, the treadmill is hard work, nearly fell off the end this evening by the last work minute lol, and the x-trainer is a killer, although I might put the level up a bit. Was shaking like anything when I came out, was great!
Chris got me some tops from GYS...last year he got me XXL and they were far too small. This year he got me Large, I say they're too small, he says they fit. Have looked at sizing, they're a 14-16. They're too small. But still, HUGE grins...they're tight but wearable I guess.
Today has been a great day, I've loved it. AND I've been good ALL DAY. Even at the gym. Check me out.
Dunno why today was such a good day, but woke up before the alarm, got all my jobs I need to do before I leave on a morning done in about 3 seconds and was on the yard by 6.40am. FatHorse got a brush waved in her general direction and tack thrown on and took her in the school. Was levelled last night so was lovely to ride on. I might put a jump up tomorrow as I'm not putting out in morning so Soph and &G will be out in the field. I really do need to arrange some lessons with her, she falls in horrendously and if she's not falling in, she falls out and utterly ignores me. Very frustrating. Schooling books have been dispatched so they'll be here Friday probably...want them now!! Should have paid the extra for quicker delivery.
Got to work to find a STACK of work that needed doing, but it was All Good, I've decided I'm far better working alone, with lots of things on. I hate being distracted from doing stuff and I hate having to keep an eye on what other people are doing even more. Owner came in and told me the Thing I'm Not Meant To Know, although I'm still not meant to know it. Also told me something extra I'm not meant to know...I need to work extra hard to ensure everything goes to plan....So, shockingly, that made me really happy, rather than panicking about how I might not do it.
Second work related (sort of...) thing that made me happy was my food competition... Ate at 2pm, check me out. Did eat it all at once, but I've been ok, but then we had tea pretty much as soon as I got in from work. I'm not really hungry now, but if offered food, I could certainly eat it...Can't decide whether to save the 2.5points I have left for Fat-BBQ on Friday, or have something a bit later. Plus I have just remembered it's Chris' dads birthday party on Saturday night. Lots of food about then too. Think I'd better save them, despite I would happily eat...I dunno, something that's 2.5 points.
So, thats all good. The architect came round tonight and he doesnt think there'll be any problems with the plans for the extension. He's sending them off tonight, so in 8 weeks time it'll either be yes or no...He said as well to get builder quotes now, rather than closer to when we want it doing, so all very exciting. Can't WAIT to redecorate.
Just got back from the gym, I LOVE my ubershort program, the treadmill is hard work, nearly fell off the end this evening by the last work minute lol, and the x-trainer is a killer, although I might put the level up a bit. Was shaking like anything when I came out, was great!
Chris got me some tops from GYS...last year he got me XXL and they were far too small. This year he got me Large, I say they're too small, he says they fit. Have looked at sizing, they're a 14-16. They're too small. But still, HUGE grins...they're tight but wearable I guess.
Today has been a great day, I've loved it. AND I've been good ALL DAY. Even at the gym. Check me out.
Tuesday, 8 July 2008
sleepy....
FatClub wasnt too bad tonight, lost another 1.5lbs, but once again I wore different clothes. Next week I have to wear the same, otherwise there's no point doing it really.
Rode FatHorse this morning, we went in the field. I dont know what it is about the side near her FatCamp, but she is just stupid down there, still we managed a good 25minutes schooling, then spent the next 10minutes or so tazzing about :blush: I do wish I was brave enough to jump the logs. They arent that big, it's just me, being stupid as ever lol. Anyway, she was a good girl, left the yard in a good mood, even though was a bit late.
Work wasnt too bad although there wasnt a huge amount on, Chris has got some figures he's struggling with, I MUST remember tomorrow to compare BHB & CDM figures see which are cheaper. Keep forgetting, which is rubbish especially as the sales sheets are top of my in tray. Will be on my own tomorrow :bawling: Chris is going to GYS and Stu is out in the van.
Was stupid at work, getting myself worked up over FatClub, and then cos Chris was in an arse he got snappy, plus I TOTALLY failed on my eating competition, was starving and had some of my lunch by 9.30, rubbish. Must not eat till after 1pm tomorrow. Might just leave my lunch in the car, if its not close then it will be less tempting. In theory anyway. Went to the gym after FatClub, and was rubbish but enjoyed myself. I think I might just stick to the quick, intensive program. I went in fully intending to try and run a total of 3 miles and failed completely and utterly. Heart wasnt in it tonight. Watch, tomorrow night I'll be full of running and I cant do anything cos the architect is coming round at 7.15. I might go down the gym after he's been, depending on what time it is.
So I'm cross (although being good now....) I was SO PROUD yesterday that I didnt do it, then spoilt it today. Tomorrow will be a good day.
Must get arse into gear and sort out things for tomorrow, otherwise will be in a big rush and will be utterly late for everything, and that will not be a good day...
Rode FatHorse this morning, we went in the field. I dont know what it is about the side near her FatCamp, but she is just stupid down there, still we managed a good 25minutes schooling, then spent the next 10minutes or so tazzing about :blush: I do wish I was brave enough to jump the logs. They arent that big, it's just me, being stupid as ever lol. Anyway, she was a good girl, left the yard in a good mood, even though was a bit late.
Work wasnt too bad although there wasnt a huge amount on, Chris has got some figures he's struggling with, I MUST remember tomorrow to compare BHB & CDM figures see which are cheaper. Keep forgetting, which is rubbish especially as the sales sheets are top of my in tray. Will be on my own tomorrow :bawling: Chris is going to GYS and Stu is out in the van.
Was stupid at work, getting myself worked up over FatClub, and then cos Chris was in an arse he got snappy, plus I TOTALLY failed on my eating competition, was starving and had some of my lunch by 9.30, rubbish. Must not eat till after 1pm tomorrow. Might just leave my lunch in the car, if its not close then it will be less tempting. In theory anyway. Went to the gym after FatClub, and was rubbish but enjoyed myself. I think I might just stick to the quick, intensive program. I went in fully intending to try and run a total of 3 miles and failed completely and utterly. Heart wasnt in it tonight. Watch, tomorrow night I'll be full of running and I cant do anything cos the architect is coming round at 7.15. I might go down the gym after he's been, depending on what time it is.
So I'm cross (although being good now....) I was SO PROUD yesterday that I didnt do it, then spoilt it today. Tomorrow will be a good day.
Must get arse into gear and sort out things for tomorrow, otherwise will be in a big rush and will be utterly late for everything, and that will not be a good day...
Monday, 7 July 2008
A good day today
There's a shocker!!
Dont know why today was such a good day, it had the possibility to be completely rubbish. Got up before work and went and rode Mollycob...we mooched about for a bit while I tried to decide what to do (arena was flooded). Part of me wishes we'd gone for a hack, but I'd left the doors open and didnt have my keys. Anyway, we ended up just doing some schooling and she was A Good Pony so we saved that session. Can't wait for my schooling books to turn up, I desperately need some new ideas.
I think I'm going to let her (molly) bank account build up a bit more and then arrange some lessons with a local instructor, I really do need some help. Hopefully, if the person I've heard of is any good, I might even gain a hacking partner... I'm so fed up of hacking alone, and so is she. FatHorse invented monsters the last time we went out, I'm sure it's because she's bored of that route. I bloody am anyway.
Work was good, got lots stocked up. C&D were pains though, the pair of them are lazy arses at times. Had a competition with myself not to eat till after 1pm (once I start I can't stop...) and managed till 1.45, yay! Troughed my entire lunch in 3 seconds flat mind, but we'll see how it goes tomorrow.
I'm not hopeful of losing any weight tomorrow, but next week I'll make sure I will. Have to be Very Good at the BBQ and it should all be ok, especially if I keep going to the gym and riding.
Talking of being Very Good....I havent done anything stupid at all today :biggrin: check me out. Was wobbly at the gym, was shaking like you would not believe and was DESPERATE, but resisted, all good :D Like my new program lots. I cant make up my mind about tomorrow, whether to go after Fat Club or not. If I do, I think I'll just go on the treadmill, get thin arms and do some sit ups. Maybe. Wednesday we have the architect coming round, so am not sure if I'll get to go, which is a bugger. Still, have Thursday and Friday off so can go both those days, and Sunday. Saturday I'll have to just ride. Might see if Chris wants to take the bike round Danefield, although last time we did that, she was an utter tit.
Dont know why today was such a good day, it had the possibility to be completely rubbish. Got up before work and went and rode Mollycob...we mooched about for a bit while I tried to decide what to do (arena was flooded). Part of me wishes we'd gone for a hack, but I'd left the doors open and didnt have my keys. Anyway, we ended up just doing some schooling and she was A Good Pony so we saved that session. Can't wait for my schooling books to turn up, I desperately need some new ideas.
I think I'm going to let her (molly) bank account build up a bit more and then arrange some lessons with a local instructor, I really do need some help. Hopefully, if the person I've heard of is any good, I might even gain a hacking partner... I'm so fed up of hacking alone, and so is she. FatHorse invented monsters the last time we went out, I'm sure it's because she's bored of that route. I bloody am anyway.
Work was good, got lots stocked up. C&D were pains though, the pair of them are lazy arses at times. Had a competition with myself not to eat till after 1pm (once I start I can't stop...) and managed till 1.45, yay! Troughed my entire lunch in 3 seconds flat mind, but we'll see how it goes tomorrow.
I'm not hopeful of losing any weight tomorrow, but next week I'll make sure I will. Have to be Very Good at the BBQ and it should all be ok, especially if I keep going to the gym and riding.
Talking of being Very Good....I havent done anything stupid at all today :biggrin: check me out. Was wobbly at the gym, was shaking like you would not believe and was DESPERATE, but resisted, all good :D Like my new program lots. I cant make up my mind about tomorrow, whether to go after Fat Club or not. If I do, I think I'll just go on the treadmill, get thin arms and do some sit ups. Maybe. Wednesday we have the architect coming round, so am not sure if I'll get to go, which is a bugger. Still, have Thursday and Friday off so can go both those days, and Sunday. Saturday I'll have to just ride. Might see if Chris wants to take the bike round Danefield, although last time we did that, she was an utter tit.
Sunday, 6 July 2008
gym review
treadmill - 10 minutes, rest 4mph 1 min 0% incline, work 6.5mph 1 min 4% incline
rower - 20sec as fast as poss (45spm+) 10 seconds rest X 8
cross trainer - 10 mins level 12 manual 1min fast as poss (70's) 30 seconds slow
Arms have changed a bit, not doing shoulder press anymore and I've had to drop down some weights cos the exercises have changed, which has annoyed me slightly, but it's all good. Must work on sit ups a bit more, rather than starting and pretending that it hurts and I'm done.
Have also decided that I am not being a miserable bitch anymore, friends will get fucked off and is no fair to unload myself onto them when they feel rubbish enough as it is - you may as well call me Nicola if I carry on with that. So I'm stll going to be a miserable cow, but only with myself.
As for food, I didnt eat all morning till I came back from gym (2.30) - have just had a sandwich and a pack of pink & whites, so should be ok till tea. It can be my new daily challenge to see how long I can go without eating - means that when I do eat I shouldnt ned as much to fill me up.
rower - 20sec as fast as poss (45spm+) 10 seconds rest X 8
cross trainer - 10 mins level 12 manual 1min fast as poss (70's) 30 seconds slow
Arms have changed a bit, not doing shoulder press anymore and I've had to drop down some weights cos the exercises have changed, which has annoyed me slightly, but it's all good. Must work on sit ups a bit more, rather than starting and pretending that it hurts and I'm done.
Have also decided that I am not being a miserable bitch anymore, friends will get fucked off and is no fair to unload myself onto them when they feel rubbish enough as it is - you may as well call me Nicola if I carry on with that. So I'm stll going to be a miserable cow, but only with myself.
As for food, I didnt eat all morning till I came back from gym (2.30) - have just had a sandwich and a pack of pink & whites, so should be ok till tea. It can be my new daily challenge to see how long I can go without eating - means that when I do eat I shouldnt ned as much to fill me up.
Ridiculous.
While I'm out I think of loads of things I want to blog, but when I get here, in front of my computer, I've forgotten it all.
I do need to stop weighing things down on other people though, it's stupid ad unnecesary and I do call myself Nicola. I sti9ll scratch but it's starting to hurt now, must be getting too blunt. Plus I'm running out of places to do it. Wearing a swimming costume now will be uncomfortable until I'm in the pool, and if I ever get thin enough, a bikini is out of the question.
Hmmm, getting thin. I dont think I'm cut out for dieting anymore. I havent eaten yet today which is V.Good. However, it'll get to about 5pm and I'll just trough everything in sight. Which is V. Bad, natch. Plus there\'s this BBQ on Friday, I will drink then and eat Very Bad Things.I really do wish I could make myself sick, it would make things so much easier. Its not through lack of trying either.
Got a gym review with Jen in about half hour or so....This is for before work on a Sunday when I dont have much time.
Elmo is being a Very Bad Kitten, poking about at stuff, have just shouted at him and Belly is sat on my lap, also bawling away at him....he stopped (to shut us up I think) and Belly gave him one last miow, then looked at me gave me a big blink and cuddled up again. Love my kittens.
Want to ride tonight, but its chris' neices birthday so we have to go down there. Plus it's raining and she'll be wet. Sigh.
I do need to stop weighing things down on other people though, it's stupid ad unnecesary and I do call myself Nicola. I sti9ll scratch but it's starting to hurt now, must be getting too blunt. Plus I'm running out of places to do it. Wearing a swimming costume now will be uncomfortable until I'm in the pool, and if I ever get thin enough, a bikini is out of the question.
Hmmm, getting thin. I dont think I'm cut out for dieting anymore. I havent eaten yet today which is V.Good. However, it'll get to about 5pm and I'll just trough everything in sight. Which is V. Bad, natch. Plus there\'s this BBQ on Friday, I will drink then and eat Very Bad Things.I really do wish I could make myself sick, it would make things so much easier. Its not through lack of trying either.
Got a gym review with Jen in about half hour or so....This is for before work on a Sunday when I dont have much time.
Elmo is being a Very Bad Kitten, poking about at stuff, have just shouted at him and Belly is sat on my lap, also bawling away at him....he stopped (to shut us up I think) and Belly gave him one last miow, then looked at me gave me a big blink and cuddled up again. Love my kittens.
Want to ride tonight, but its chris' neices birthday so we have to go down there. Plus it's raining and she'll be wet. Sigh.
Saturday, 5 July 2008
feeling rubbish
Am eating rubbish, knowing I'm eating rubbish, but somehow....being unable to stop. Maybe hypnotism is the right idea. I dont know. I know I'm being atwat, but I still do it anyway? WHY??
I run out of patience with myself, it's ridiculous
I run out of patience with myself, it's ridiculous
I slept
Could have slept for longer, but Chris forgot to reset the alarm.... Bah. Am now sat here trying to work up energy to go up, sort t'nags out and come back and do some much needed tidying. I should ebay a shit load of stuff, but I think a car boot might be easier. I would suggest it to Christopher, but I know if he came we'd come back with more shit than we went with.
Raining this morning, FatHorse might get another day off :lazy: Have booked a week off work the week after next, just to do fuck all apart from ride and go to the gym to get thin. How sad am I? Whats worse is I can't actually wait. Still got 3 weeks of holiday to take though before the end of November. Technically it works out as a week off a month (already got a week booked for Iceland in September) but realistically I cant do that until someone else does their amtra. Might have another week off in August before madam goes on mat. leave, one in October and ask if I can possibly be paid for the rest.
I dont really know what to do at the minute. I genuinely feel like I'm cracking up at times, *I* am a mess at the minute and despite what I assure chris, it *will* scar. It hurts to walk (think thats part of the reason I was so miserable at work yesterday)and I hate being sad all the time. I cant really describe it at the minute and I'm frustrating myself. It's rubbish. Need to go patapony.
Raining this morning, FatHorse might get another day off :lazy: Have booked a week off work the week after next, just to do fuck all apart from ride and go to the gym to get thin. How sad am I? Whats worse is I can't actually wait. Still got 3 weeks of holiday to take though before the end of November. Technically it works out as a week off a month (already got a week booked for Iceland in September) but realistically I cant do that until someone else does their amtra. Might have another week off in August before madam goes on mat. leave, one in October and ask if I can possibly be paid for the rest.
I dont really know what to do at the minute. I genuinely feel like I'm cracking up at times, *I* am a mess at the minute and despite what I assure chris, it *will* scar. It hurts to walk (think thats part of the reason I was so miserable at work yesterday)and I hate being sad all the time. I cant really describe it at the minute and I'm frustrating myself. It's rubbish. Need to go patapony.
Friday, 4 July 2008
funny day
funny weird, not funny haha.
Got up ridiculously early, after minimal sleep, went up, did the horses and was in the gym by 7am. check me out, for the first time ever, I ran a mile in under 10minuts - 9.40m. Did 2.3m in 25minutes, *think* I did the 2 miles in 21 minutes, I cant remember now. Rower and cross trainer were rubbish, but I'm pleased, kind of with the running. Wish I'd carried on till 3 miles though and not done the x-trainer.
Got to work and was fine, good, even (well, discounting the gym) till midday and then I just slumped, had a cracking headache and generally felt shit, really thought I had a migraine starting. Turns out I was just being a lazy shit cos I was fine by half 4. Meant to ride tonight, but decided as I was knackered I couldnt be arsed to do anything but hack and as I have no one to hack with I couldnt be arsed with the (admittedly minor) tantrums I have to deal with. So she got a pat and that was it. Laxy bitch I am.
Wide awake now. Stu, god love him, put the phones on quiet and locked the door so I could get some sleep.
Got up ridiculously early, after minimal sleep, went up, did the horses and was in the gym by 7am. check me out, for the first time ever, I ran a mile in under 10minuts - 9.40m. Did 2.3m in 25minutes, *think* I did the 2 miles in 21 minutes, I cant remember now. Rower and cross trainer were rubbish, but I'm pleased, kind of with the running. Wish I'd carried on till 3 miles though and not done the x-trainer.
Got to work and was fine, good, even (well, discounting the gym) till midday and then I just slumped, had a cracking headache and generally felt shit, really thought I had a migraine starting. Turns out I was just being a lazy shit cos I was fine by half 4. Meant to ride tonight, but decided as I was knackered I couldnt be arsed to do anything but hack and as I have no one to hack with I couldnt be arsed with the (admittedly minor) tantrums I have to deal with. So she got a pat and that was it. Laxy bitch I am.
Wide awake now. Stu, god love him, put the phones on quiet and locked the door so I could get some sleep.
Thursday, 3 July 2008
78 Stone Wobble
Presentation tonight, Chris did it. Didnt finish till half 8 so no chance of getting to the gym/going for a run/walk/whatever. The next obvious choice would be Nell or Wii Fit, no? No. I ate 2 whippy things and made my lunch for tomorrow instead. I've been so Good, right up till tonight, the longest for AGES. CROSS CROSS CROSS.
Had my jacket potato etc managed to resist 'sharing' everyone elses chips and pizza, but in order to do that had to sit on my own and ignore everyone. I was nearly in tears doing it, how bad is that? I got in such an arse.
Going to go to the gym before work tomorrow, go up and get horses out super-early, then gym, then work and ride afterwards, maybe go for a nice hack. She was a good girl this morning, but I only rode for 20minutes - she was so good this morning it was pointless doing anything more, she did everything I asked, when I asked, where I asked. Even had a fab gallop which really set me up for the day, I was in such a good mood when I got to work.
So cross with myself. I'd been so good. Pathetic.
Had my jacket potato etc managed to resist 'sharing' everyone elses chips and pizza, but in order to do that had to sit on my own and ignore everyone. I was nearly in tears doing it, how bad is that? I got in such an arse.
Going to go to the gym before work tomorrow, go up and get horses out super-early, then gym, then work and ride afterwards, maybe go for a nice hack. She was a good girl this morning, but I only rode for 20minutes - she was so good this morning it was pointless doing anything more, she did everything I asked, when I asked, where I asked. Even had a fab gallop which really set me up for the day, I was in such a good mood when I got to work.
So cross with myself. I'd been so good. Pathetic.
Wednesday, 2 July 2008
July measurements
I know, I said I wouldnt do them, but I'm lunging this morning, I should have some more time. And if not...then neither Stu or JB are due in today. So not the right attitude.
Wednesday July 2nd
L. calf - 17
R. calf - 17.5
L. thigh - 27
R. thigh - 27
Hips (inc tummy)- 46
top hips (on bellybutton)- 43
waist - 37
under boobs - 32
L upper arm - 14
R upper arm - 13
Tuesday June 03rd
L. calf - 17
R. calf - 17
L. thigh - 27.5
R. thigh - 27.5
Hips (inc tummy)- 47
top hips (on bellybutton)- 43
waist - 37
under boobs - 35
L upper arm - 14
R upper arm - 14
4.5inches this month. How the fuck is my left arm an inch thinner than my right?
Wednesday July 2nd
L. calf - 17
R. calf - 17.5
L. thigh - 27
R. thigh - 27
Hips (inc tummy)- 46
top hips (on bellybutton)- 43
waist - 37
under boobs - 32
L upper arm - 14
R upper arm - 13
Tuesday June 03rd
L. calf - 17
R. calf - 17
L. thigh - 27.5
R. thigh - 27.5
Hips (inc tummy)- 47
top hips (on bellybutton)- 43
waist - 37
under boobs - 35
L upper arm - 14
R upper arm - 14
4.5inches this month. How the fuck is my left arm an inch thinner than my right?
Tuesday, 1 July 2008
A rubbish day
So many reasons, but it didnt start hugely well when FatHorse was a total witch to ride this morning. Couldnt ride one side of her and she took utter advantage. Took her in the field to try and get some semblence of forwardsness and, fuck me, we got forwards. We didnt have so much of straightness, braking or sensibleness, but I suppose I only went in there with 'forwards' in mind. I'm going to lunge in there tomorrow and then on Thursday, we'll go back in, but I'll remember to think 'forwards, straight, sensible and brakes' as well.
Work wasnt too bad. I was lazy though and couldnt get motivated. I need to really kick myself up the arse tomorrow. It should not take all day to do the banking, put one new thing on the system and phone an order through. I reallyreally dont deserve my payrise.
Then FatClub, I've lost 1lb apparently, but I wasnt wearing my hoodie, so there's my pound thats gone. Didnt stay for meeting, really wasnt in frame of mind. Came home in a foul, horrid mood. Announced I wasnt eating tea, which I havent, but I had cereal, a whippy bar and some ham and cheese :rolleyes: So much for the food ban.
MUST sort myself out tomorrow. It's horrible. Loved the whippy bar but its still coating my mouth now and it's not good. My thighs I swear have got wider as well. Technically I should have done some measurements this morning. I'll do them saturday, I have little enough time in the morning as it is.
Nicola coming round tomorrow. Joy.
Work wasnt too bad. I was lazy though and couldnt get motivated. I need to really kick myself up the arse tomorrow. It should not take all day to do the banking, put one new thing on the system and phone an order through. I reallyreally dont deserve my payrise.
Then FatClub, I've lost 1lb apparently, but I wasnt wearing my hoodie, so there's my pound thats gone. Didnt stay for meeting, really wasnt in frame of mind. Came home in a foul, horrid mood. Announced I wasnt eating tea, which I havent, but I had cereal, a whippy bar and some ham and cheese :rolleyes: So much for the food ban.
MUST sort myself out tomorrow. It's horrible. Loved the whippy bar but its still coating my mouth now and it's not good. My thighs I swear have got wider as well. Technically I should have done some measurements this morning. I'll do them saturday, I have little enough time in the morning as it is.
Nicola coming round tomorrow. Joy.
WWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH
I'm not looking forward to FatClub tonight, I WILL have put on weight. I KNEW I shouldnt have gone to the body shop party last night...there was wine, wagon wheels, sweets, chocolate biscuits and dips.
FatHorse was a good girl yesterday morning, we even did some jumping, check us out. This morning will be Boring Schooling only though, I am Tired and she was, umm, speedy, into the jumps, resulting in some uncomfortable jumping.
Work wasnt too bad yesterday, bit boring as spent the whole day putting new things onto stock, today could be interesting. I want to get out in the shop and do some stocking up (leaves staff to get on with stuff I'd rather they were doing/I might lose a bit more weight before FatClub) but owner is coming down to go through thursday nights presentation, so I dont know if I'll get chance.
Oh, yeah, Thursday night. No exercise and Bad Food. I'm not looking forward to it, quite apart from the presentation. Bah.
FatHorse was a good girl yesterday morning, we even did some jumping, check us out. This morning will be Boring Schooling only though, I am Tired and she was, umm, speedy, into the jumps, resulting in some uncomfortable jumping.
Work wasnt too bad yesterday, bit boring as spent the whole day putting new things onto stock, today could be interesting. I want to get out in the shop and do some stocking up (leaves staff to get on with stuff I'd rather they were doing/I might lose a bit more weight before FatClub) but owner is coming down to go through thursday nights presentation, so I dont know if I'll get chance.
Oh, yeah, Thursday night. No exercise and Bad Food. I'm not looking forward to it, quite apart from the presentation. Bah.
Sunday, 29 June 2008
From Despair to Where?
Upwards, hopefully. I'm very tired this week, can't decide if its due to being unused to getting up so early and DOING stuff again or what, but I'm fed up of it and would like to just sleep for 2 days and be fine again.
Went into Harrogate yesterday, got LOADS of books (incredibly happy), lots of bath stuff (happy) and some pj sets from La Senza. All of which look rubbish, which made me rubbish. And I got caught as well to reaction to which, tbh, made me more rubbish. Still, the books are great. When the extension is done, I think we just have to have one room with a great big comfy sofa in, and just full of book shelves... I'd love it.
Have ridden FatHorse this morning, I was pleased with her, although she was bloody heavy on my hands and I've blistered a bit. Was going to do some more jumping, but they started clay pigeon shooting again but literally RIGHT behind us. Didnt want to die today, so we just did a bit of walk and trot. She was so tense today. Didnt help that they started as I was running through P18 and was just doing FWLR. She went off that fast I was nearly left sat on my arse. I might ride later, will see how I feel, although she'll be furious and probably ditch me in retaliation. Fat Camp is looking veryvery bare now... Will give it another week I think and pull it out a bit. She's lost weight anyway.
I havent however. Why the hell not, I've done loads of running. Not fair. Hopefully I'll still have lost on Tuesday night, but...meh. I KNOW I can't lose 6lbs every week, but how cool would it be if I could?
Must be a good girl and go to the gym too today. Knees are a bit sore though so running might be crap. Have to do horses in the morning, but do I ride? Hmm. I fancy hacking out but I'm bored of the square now, Danefield will take too long and the other way, there's just too much fast traffic at that time of the morning, it's not worth it.
Right. Must motivate myself to do something productive, such as washing up, rather than sitting here, stroking the cat. I might go read my book.
I want a zoo.
Went into Harrogate yesterday, got LOADS of books (incredibly happy), lots of bath stuff (happy) and some pj sets from La Senza. All of which look rubbish, which made me rubbish. And I got caught as well to reaction to which, tbh, made me more rubbish. Still, the books are great. When the extension is done, I think we just have to have one room with a great big comfy sofa in, and just full of book shelves... I'd love it.
Have ridden FatHorse this morning, I was pleased with her, although she was bloody heavy on my hands and I've blistered a bit. Was going to do some more jumping, but they started clay pigeon shooting again but literally RIGHT behind us. Didnt want to die today, so we just did a bit of walk and trot. She was so tense today. Didnt help that they started as I was running through P18 and was just doing FWLR. She went off that fast I was nearly left sat on my arse. I might ride later, will see how I feel, although she'll be furious and probably ditch me in retaliation. Fat Camp is looking veryvery bare now... Will give it another week I think and pull it out a bit. She's lost weight anyway.
I havent however. Why the hell not, I've done loads of running. Not fair. Hopefully I'll still have lost on Tuesday night, but...meh. I KNOW I can't lose 6lbs every week, but how cool would it be if I could?
Must be a good girl and go to the gym too today. Knees are a bit sore though so running might be crap. Have to do horses in the morning, but do I ride? Hmm. I fancy hacking out but I'm bored of the square now, Danefield will take too long and the other way, there's just too much fast traffic at that time of the morning, it's not worth it.
Right. Must motivate myself to do something productive, such as washing up, rather than sitting here, stroking the cat. I might go read my book.
I want a zoo.
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