Instead of just SAYING it....

I should actually DO it.

I WILL stop eating rubbish. I WILL do more exercise. I WILL lose weight.

Starts tonight, obviously, having had 2 ham & cheese sandwiches for lunch and the remains of a packet of hobnobs (non-chocolatey, I checked the calories yesterday, the choc adds another 40calories per biscuit). It's vegetables for tea though, so not a total disaster. Hmmm. Was 14.11 on Monday, am tempted to get on scales tonight/tomorrow for a sneaky peak but I must be good and not look till Monday. Hmm. I'll try. I havent been to the gym today (I was going to write yet at the end of that, but I've just realised it shuts in 35minutes), but I MIGHT go for a run after dark. Possibly.

Have ridden today though, she was mostly good although I utterly misjudged the weather. Assumed as it started off grotty it would stay grotty, but noooo, it pissed it down while I was riding and Stinks was a bit numb (cobs don't do working in rain...) and was windy but as we were in the bottom school it wasnt that bad. Finished and it's been a lovely day since then - I've even put her washing out on the line. Saw the dentists girlfriend and as she's been told she can't ride for another 3 months I've offered Stinks to her if she wants to ride at all. She's said she'll ask if she can have some lessons on her as she's utterly lost her confidence. Said Stinks'd be fine if she stayed in the school. If she does ride her, I hope to god she (stinks) behaves....

Gales forecast for tonight :S is already windy down here, god knows what it will be like at the yard. Gale force already I suspect.Have cleaned my tack today, properly stripped it down etc so itwill be foul for the next few days to grubby it all up again.

TAM has asked if I want to start running with them again on a Monday night. I've said yes. Don't think we're starting this monday though.

Oooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuchhhhhhhhhhh

I have self diagnosed an absess in the tooth next to the one that had the mammoth filling last month. Tis currently agony although I confidentally expect it won't hurt at all tomorrow until I've left the dentist.

Drs is going to be a bit pointless. I've come on. Ick, but will put Chris' mind at rest (and mine, now I know she WON'T be fiddling). Killer gym program tomorrow. Half looking forward to it, half dreading the after effects. Was going to see if I could do it today instead, but didnt see Jen at the gym although apparently i ignored her driving by in her car. Completely didn't see OR hear (she shouted) her. Oops.

Managed to cut my little finger open this afternoon on some glass, right where it bends so it won't properly heal. That's sore too. Generally being a bit miserable today.

Rode this morning, first time in fucking ages. Used the top school, she was a tit. Well, she wasnt but she doesnt like it and goes like a bag of nails and I forget how to ride. One of the other liveries has had some horrific luck with her horse...trying to decide whether to offer her stinks to ride occasionally if she wants. Hmmm.

Hmmm

So, 4 gym sessions in 4 days. And I have worked hard in them. Sweated and out of breath and everything. Tongiht I have Friday Feeling and have had wine & ice cream as well as flapjack and sandwich at lunch. Oh well. Doing Killer Program on Friday morning. I am going to die...

Oh well, I'll be muscly. I think I might try and do Killer Program once a week if I can, then 2/3 'gentler' programs. I am currently being held up high as Queen Gym Goer by some of the other gym goers who saw me getting my program... I'm enjoying it. I want it all the time. I want to be the thinnest, best person :nod: Not sure I'll manage it thanks to my addiction to food in general, but I'll try. I'm not doing so good on the whole running outside thing though. Only done it once this month, might not make my target.

Don't get too excited, but I think I'm rediscovering how much I enjoy the gym... I need to get obsessed again, just for 6 months.

What do I do when I'm thin? What do thin people do? Do they just sit and admire how fab they look? What happens then?

Nearly good

:rolleyes: Must try harder.

Was going so well, even went to the gym again tonight, but watched an advert while I was there about creme eggs which OBVIOUSLY meant I wanted one, so went to the shop on the way home. They didnt have any so I got me some munchies and chris some twisty thing. And had hot chocolate. But I went to the gym. That's 3 times in 3 days. That's more than I've been in the last 3 weeks. I hope there's some decrease in me by Monday....I don't feel as bloated as I have done, but I LOOK fat still (I know what I mean) but the unbloated feeling could just be smugness that I'm (attempting - badly) to eat less... Who knows.

Gym tomorrow, maybe Thursday and definately Friday (as part of my FoodBan day)...Plan is Drs, gym, horse, bath, dentist, horse so no time to be distracted by food. Won't work, but the thought is there.

Bit concerned about Drs, not exactly dignified.

Chris went for a meeting with work owners today. Got given a pat on the head and told we're great. Thanks...I'd rather have had a cash thank you....untaxed.... *sigh*

Can't decide whether to have a lie in tomorrow or ride. I'd like to ride, but Chris isnt working so I feel a bit bad setting the alarm for 6am. I can ride Thursday i guess.

Come on, you fat bitch

Get with it.

I have put back on a shocking amount in a horribly short time. I no longer weigh less than Danny :bawling: - I think it's that alone that has spurred me back on. Actually, it's that and Vickie wanting to start running and going to the gym. I want to be the best at getting thin - I'm such a spoilt brat it's unreal.

Anyway. Today was going to be a Good Day. I'd eaten all the Christmas Chocolate and wasn't intending on having anything extra - had vegetables for tea. However I noticed I had half a pack of Doritos left so I finished them in a sandwich, had a hot chocolate and just had a nutella yogurt. BUT! I went to the gym and nearly killed myself so it's ok. It's rubbish how long it takes to build fitness up then lose it so quick.

Friday am going to Drs in the morning to be checked after us finding Chris' lump. I'm really not looking forwards to that. Then I must gym and I have the dentist as well in the afternoon. Would like to ride at some point, havent ridden for ages and doubt I will as it's got wet again. Shame I don't really have time to ride down to the bottom arena on a morning. Hopefully there'll be space there soon.

TOMORROW will be a good food day. There is nothing nice to pick on left in the house. I've checked.

It's actually so simple,

But why can't I do it?

Eat less (chocolate/crisps), exercise (more). Simple, huh? Evidently not, because I have just opened the last tin of Quality Street and have eaten probably a third of the tin. My teeth hurt now though - this is good, maybe it will stop me.

V has decided she wants to lose weight and go to the gym. So I said I'd go running wiht her Monday night after my Drs appt. She won't come, but I'll go. She's also said she'll come to the gym with me on Thursday but I suspect she won't. Hope she does though, it sounds awful but I hope it will reawaken my competitiveness and spur me on into doing stuff again.

Wednesday night I had a review with Pat. Was good - treadmill 15% incline, 5mph for 30 seconds, then 30 seconds squats with a ball X 6. rower - 1m as fast as I could, then off for 30 seconds of jumping jacks with the ball. 5 times but decreasing the rower for 10seconds each time, but still doing 30 seconds of jumping jacks. Didn't like them. then spinning bike (he took the seat off!!!!) on a hard resistance - couldnt get the pedals moving at first, how embarrassing - 1 minute on that, then 30 seconds of lunges X 6. Was good and I was nearly dead by the time I finished, but it worked some muscles - I still find walking painful now!! I think i might try and do that once a week, but might need a one to one each time....Don't think I'd do it on my own, not properly anyway.

Food Ban tomorrow. And I'll go for a run tomorrow evening. I MUST.

stiff....

Can't be arsed writing it all again, so copied from what I wrote on my friends FB wall:

Right.... This has nearly killed me, but then I am horribly unfit. I had to buy an emergency toblerone so I didn't die.

treadmill: set it going, 15% incline, 5mph, jump on and away you go for 30 seconds. Get off, then 30 seconds on power squats with a 5kg ball, 30 seconds rest X 6

rower: resistance 7, row as fast as you can for a minute, jump off... Read More, 30 seconds of jumping jacks with 5kg ball, 30 secs rest, then row for 50s, 30s JJ's, 30's rest, row for 40s,30s JJs, 30s rest, 30s row, 30s JJs, 30s rest, 20s row, 30s JJs, 30s rest.

spinning bike: get that seat off... 1 minute on a 'hard' resistance, 30secs lunges, 30 secs rest X 6.

Honestly, I thought I was going to throw up and I'm still bright red an hour an a half later. I already can't mov, I think I might need emergency wine now too

Didn't have the emergency wine, but had the emergency toblerone. Knackered now.

arseholes

So much for the diet.

OFF plan food....

2 x packs maltesers
1 x pizza express garlic bread with mozzerella
1 x pe sloppy guiseppe with extra mushrooms, garlic and mozzerella on a classic base
1 x pe banoffee pie with marscapone cheese
1 x bottle pinot grigio blush

Oopsy.

Got a gym review tomorrow with Pat. Hope he's vicious.

silly....

Have been really good with food all day, then got home (without going to the gym or riding) and troughed chocolate and rubbish.

*sigh* I am stupid.

Admitted Defeat

Rejoining FatClub tomorrow, so had lots of lovely fat food today, after a soso session at the gym. Didn't ride.

Stinks got to play out today, was vv happy, had a big buck and squeal and rolled lots, then settled down to eat.

Tired.

Stupid

So, there's me, all smug... been running, went up and rode (went to bottom yard, was intimidated, rode like shit) and ate 3 pink & whites and 3 plums for lunch. Then I got home and I was crosscrosscross so I opened the chocolate tin (1 pack maltesers, 1 ripple, loads of coins, some random chocolate) and I've had a sandwich too. With salami and cheese in it. Tea is spaghetti bolognese and garlic bread. I'm so stupid. Although, at least I went running. I wasn't going to.

stupid stupid stupid

smug

yeah, check me out, guess who's been running ALREADY this morning? 2 miles, 22 minutes :acclaim: and I walked most of the way back up the lane...it's uphill and at the end and i havent run outside since the 2nd November, according to my nike+. I'm happy with that, really, I am.

There's a thing on the Nike+ site that lets you add 2009 training resolutions. I put that I wanted to run 20miles in January, before realising that my Nike+ is woefully out of sync - it said todays run was a mile, yet the mapmyrun site & the Nike map both tell me it's 2 miles. I think I might change it to 10miles, but I do know that I'll actually have done 20. Make sense?

I want to eat now though :( and there's still chocolate everywhere. In fact, I'm STARVING. No, I'm not. I'm so pleased I went, there was no one about and I havent run for ages outside and I DO enjoy it, despite the bitching I do. Just wish sometimes I had someone to run with.

Can't decide what to do with Stinks today. Don't really want to go to the bottom yard, but she does hate the top yard school (damp, deep and loose in places, but it is rideable on). Still, it's frozen in town so hopefully it might be frozen up there too. Will be cold anyway, she has 2 rugs on again. Metcheck says its going to get down to -11 on Thursday :cold: I'll run out of rugs!!

So much for my plans...

Plan 1: Not panic re last nights discovery. Not working. Randomly :bawling: when I'm on my own.

Plan 2: Only eat between 2 & 4pm (obviously not solidly...) and after 7pm. Well that was buggered from the start when Chris announced we were having lunch at his mothers (at half 12) plus the box of Celebrations was open....They were started around half 8. *sigh* FatFighters curry for tea tomorrow AND I'll start counting again. Honest. Will ride in the morning - trying to decide where, my arena or the bottom yard - and then gym in the evening. I WILL.

Plan 3. Learn to ride. Apparently I have sat on a horse before. You wouldnt have thought it if you'd seen me ride today. FatHorse wasn't overly obliging, to be fair, but still. She does NOT like that surface though. It's not really deep, but it is loose in the corners.

Plan 4. Go running. This I did not do. I did do some sorting in the bedroom though. Should have gone running instead.

Panic

Chris has found a Lump.

I'm so fucking frightened it's unreal. He's going to the doctors on Friday.

I'm scared of failure, so scared of success...

ARGH!

I'm terrified of not making it to vaguely where I want to be - I'm under no illusion that I'll look how I want to look, too saggy, stretchy marky and scarred for that now, but 'vaguely there' will cut it. I want it so badly. BUT it seems that I'm scared of actually making it too - why else would I eat so much rubbish and NOT gym when I could have done... I feel rubbish [manflu] but I could still stand to have done SOMETHING. Urgh. I have put on a shameful amount and I can SEE the new fat wobbling under my skin. Hateful.

I MUST be better.

Work was rubbish. Very quiet. Stu went home early.

New year, MUST get to 10 stone by this time next year. Finally then I will be happy, because I will no longer be the fattest in photos and at 10stone, despite what I look like, I know I'll be able to ride pretty much any horse (ie, it can carry me, not that I'll magically be able to ride). I'll be fitter, therefore I will ride better, I'll run further and faster and everything will be better. If I'm still *here* this time next year I'll be very upset indeed.

Must find more things to ebay. Credit card shooting up again. Not helped by buying an (unneeded :rolleyes: ) hoody from the Joules sale, especially as I intend it won't fit me for long, plus my dentistry starts again in a couple of weeks.

Blah. PLEASE motivate me for weightloss now.

Urgh

Shitheady little horse. She was a total pain in the arse today and I nearly fell off twice before I even got to the arena. Then she took exception to a plane landing and contorted herself into all sorts of shapes, at speed. However, I did not fall off. I did not look calm and elegant, but I did not fall off.

Diet was doing fine right up until 2pm when I started eating. What was meant to be a fruit corner & cereal lunch because a fruit corner, cereal and half a box of Celebrations. Now I'm home I've just had tea and I'm going through a tin of Roses at am impressive rate of knots. It's no surprising I've put on so much weight :(

Was going to go for a run this evening, but went to see IdiotHorse and got cold, so came home to a bath and Roses instead. Feel good, but it's not so good on the weightloss front.

rubbish shit and rubbish

Work was shit. Could not motivate myself and spent most of the day in the office on FB and playing squares. And eating.

Rode this morning, she was a pain and I lost my temper. Ashamed of myself.

Kittens to the vets tonight. Elmo had a pointless trip and Belly has had her anti-sex jab.

Went to the gym afterwards, managed 17 minutes on the treadmill, got bored/fucked off and came home. Via Netto, a (big) tube of pringles, a full pack of Classic bars and now a full Big Toblerone as well as my tea.

Fat cow.

I need white fillings...

There's fb pictures from last night and it looks like I have something stuck in my teeth :( Must stop grinning so much when pissed, or at least cover my mouth if I have to.

Diet is utterly by the wayside for Christmas. Was going to the gym tomorrow, but Elmos little scab is now a big scab and not nice - think it's absessed so he's off to the vet. Might take Belly too for her jab to keep her out of season. Two for one discount maybe?

I think I'm going to cut some pictures of what I want to look like, eventually and stick them somewhere I can see them daily... Positive reinforcement and all that.

My teeth hurt :( I should stop eating sweet stuff, then they'd hurt less I'm sure. Still I have a review on Tuesday and MAYBE (probably not) I'll go running after the vets tomorrow. Don't think Mol likes the top yard arena, I 'lunged' her in there this morning and she was NOT going to go forwards. She had yesterday and today off, and I can't decide whether to give her another day off tomorrow as I don't think I have time to go down to the bottom yard and use that school before work or whether to ride in the top arena anyway.

Hmmm.

Must get thin next year. Want pictures to be proud of.

So. About this 'Being Good' thing...

At 11pm at night, I have so many good intentions. I will do 200 situps every day. I will go to the gym (minimum) 4 times a week. I will go for one run a week. I will attempt to do press ups every day until I can do 100 proper ones. I will not buy ridiculous magazines, because I don't have the money. I will not go to the supermarket on the way home and buy food Just Because I haven't eaten a proper meal (yet) that day. I haven't eaten a proper meal because Ive spent the day eating biscuits and buns and sweets.

Urgh.

So. It's 9pm, so I'm earlier than normal. Despite my manflu (which, tbh, looking at Kristen & Wayne, looks actually quite horrid, I think I'm getting off lightly so far), I will ride tomorrow and I WILL gym. I will have to do both of these things in order to compensate for Fat Food at the Fondle. I will do all my transfers and get Mollys livery money together (3 weeks worth) and put it Somewhere Safe so I don't spend it all. I will not look at my bank account at any time between now and January 9th and think 'Oooh! I've got more than £20 in there! I'll have a tenner out Just In Case'.

This year I will lose the remaining 4 stone. I will also clear my work account and attempt not to get it over £100 again. I will clear my credit card and only put things on it that are in dire need of. This may potentially include new clothes (if I'm going to lose 4 stone, I need new ones). And teeth, natch. Talking of which, they are sore at the minute and he's not even doing anything. Back on 16th Jan.

FatHorse was slightly less of a shit head this morning, but I don't think she likes the surface. I can't decide whether or not to take her down to the posh yard and ride in the outdoor there, although everyone will be mucking out in the morning, and I will therefore be in full view. I think I might stick to the top yard for a while.

Every so often I can feel myself getting shit again like I was over summer, which both frightens me and reassures me in equal measures. It frightens me because i think if I have another episode like that I won't be able to stop, but I am reassured because I did it this year, I can do it next year. Although, I have just this second cancelled my FatClub membership. I must get back into the mindset of writing down what I eat - pointing. I know most of the points for stuff. Still, it's £7 a month that can go towards my credit card... Self control!! I do have it, somewhere. I hope I find it again soon.

Must Be Better.

Urgh. I have put on 6lbs since the beginning of December. I have eaten nothing but sweets and chocolates today in place of real food and as a result my skin is all spotty and blotchy and shit.

Must Eat More Vegetables.

Went to the gym tonight for the first time in a week. Managed normal program but was nearly dead by the end. I lose fitness so quickly :(

Rode FatHorse this morning in the arena on my yard. She was a little shit bag. Up earlier tomorrow so I can do battle for longer if necessary.