sleepy

Have not slept well (no particular reason) and am now trying to muster up energy to go up and do the horses.

Can't really be arsed. I might just go up and turn out and muck out then come back and ride later. Bet it rains later though.

Decisions, decisions.

Have to re-remember why I[m doing this

I need to be thin for Iceland and the whole swimming in public thing.

Chris-pizza and wine is not helping this cause although I feel better than i have done in a while.

Gym was good, although the t shirt I had was too short in the arms to wear in public, so I borrowed a gym one. it was white. not a good thing, I was rubbish and it showed. Did some sit ups, ran 3.25miles in 37minutes, rowered and cross trained. FatHorse has had the day off today, she might get ridden twice tomorrow though, dpends how I feel.

Do I like wine, or do I just like to be drunk?

I'm really tired this morning...

Forgot to tell Chris I didnt have the horses to do this morning, so alarm went off at 6am...again. Hadnt got to sleep especially early either. Thought, for about 5 seconds, about getting up and riding anyway, but decided to go back to sleep, which I did for 16 minutes until the snooze went off. Typical. Still havent gone to yard. I SHOULD ride tonight, as am having Chris-pizza and wine for tea, but I really want to go to the gym, and if there's time do some situps and stuff. Or something. I could do both, but if I ride first I'll be rubbish at the gym which will upset me, but if I ride after then god knows what time I'll be back. Maybe she can just have the day off and I'll do some jumping tomorrow. Maybe.

NEARLY managed 3 miles in one go last night at the gym, think I walked for about 4 minutes in total (walked 2 or 3 times, I cant remember) and did it in 34 minutes, check me out - really pleased, but also a bit :huh: because I dont *think* it would have taken to much effort to have run the lot. WHY though, can I not do it outside??? It's highly frustrating and mildly upsetting too. Did rower, x-trainer and tried to get thin arms, but the arms weren't really happening last night.

Stupid stuff is getting stupidly stupid. Can't move without somewhere hurting now. My own fault and now I'm feeling better I'm cross, because it's so STUPID.

Urgh, today wont be a good day at work. Lots of orders to put away and the new girl is in. Really must pull my finger out and become what they seem to think I'm worth.

seriously, I do piss myself off.

I've just had an AMAZING gym session, but I'm fucked off with it :rolleyes: I should have done 3 miles. But I did manage 2.3 instead. The rower was ok and the cross trainer was same as always, increased the weights for my arms as well. Still wish I'd done 3miles though.

AND. Something work related, it's a good thing, but I dont think I deserve it - not false modesty, just dont deserve it. Why can't I just be grateful?

Pony was a witch this morning, dont know what got into her, but she was SO backwards this morning and I just couldnt get her going at all, so ended up losing my temper (bad) which meant she did too. Didn't come off, but it was a close thing. I'm going to lunge her tomorrow, then go back in the school Friday morning, and maybe do some jumping IF she is a good girl. Little shit she was this morning.

Had put weight on this morning but I'm not getting in an arse, I ate badly after the meeting and I'm sure it will have gone by next Tuesday. Hopefully. Was fine all day (although didnt get lunch till 4pm cos of meeting) but then lady next door brought some biscuits round for us, and I acidentally ate 4. Oops. Just as well it was OK at the gym.

This keyboard is really fucking me off, I press letters and nothing happens unless I go back and press it extra hard. Has taken 40minutes to write this. Rubbish.

Oh, and Must Try Harder. I'm fine until I start.

Can't decide what sort of day I've had.

Started off badly when I decided to hack out on FatHorse, given she'd been such a good girl schooling yesterday morning. I KNEW the second I got on her, she was going to be an arse, her back was right up and she was just silly, right from the start. One of the shetlands has had a foal :wub: and that caused a high speed reverse till I booted her, she remembered forwards then. Went past a tractor - THAT didnt phase her, obviously, but the dead fox in the verge, definately did. We had Issues with the drain again, then were fine until we got to The Cows. She is not scared of cows. She used to live in a field with some, was stabled next to some AND hacked through them. She tried spinning, she tried reverse, she tried threatening to go up (shocked her when I booted and growled 'fucking TRY it, you little shit' at her -I wasnt coming off her, still had to get to work and have a wash etc!!) and in the end she slinked past, but not content with having got past, she had to have a little spook at the end, at nothing :rolleyes: Oh, and a very big spook as we came off the bridleway because the 2 mounds of sand that were there on Saturday, weren't there this morning. Then went back along Yorkgate absolutely golden. She is a little shit. Told her I was tying her to the gate for the pikeys to take. She wasnt bothered. Think she realised they'd bring her back again.

Work not too bad. Money gone from the tills. I have my suspicions. Irritatingly it's not who I *wanted* it to be. Was fun in places, me and V had a huge attack of the giggles, we were very naughty. I was crying and couldnt breathe and inadvertently scared everyone cos they thought something was wrong. We want to go to the circus, tomorrow night will be cheapest, but I have to go to the gym, hmmm. Or Saturday, but it will be packed with kids. Is most disconcerting driving past the garden centre and seeing a zebra grazing. Clairebear thinks its a white horse they've painted black lines on.

FatClub. I went, I've lost, I was told off for losing too much, too quick. Thought the whole point was to lose weight? Ridiculous. Meeting was rubbish and Sarah unsurprisingly has bailed out on me, so I went alone, which made it even more rubbish. Next time I think I'll just go get weighed and then go to the gym. Havent actually lost as much as they say though, because I was wearing different clothes and next time I'll obviously be in my gym stuff, which will weigh less than jeans and a hoodie.

Have not been good.

Lets go for 'rubbish day'.

Rubbish, I'm sorry

i dont know what the hell was up with me today. Got to gym, was stupid before I even went in, got on treadmill, full of energy and ready to do my best gym-run ever. Fuck knows what happened, did 1.3miles then completely and utterly stalled, ran half a mile or so more then had to walk the last bit to 2miles because I had a horrendous stitch. Walked that off, then went on rower, did the intervals (500m 20sec rest X 4) and it wasnt too horrendous, but by the time I'd done those I was late. Why? I wasnt late going down there? Rubbish. So was bad after too and suspect I will be in trouble later.

Work was fairly rubbish, but yay for no pikeys. Desperately wanted to ride, but the wind was horrendous, could barely open the doors to the barn, fathorse was being a tit and while I still wanted to ride, self preservation kicked in. Still cross though as I intended going on wii fit, but Chris is sat in front of Top Gear and is not for moving.

Bad food today as well. Rubbish day all round really.

I'm sorry

Stupid stupid stupid

I was having such a really good day as well today.

RRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

God, i piss myself off and now theres all sorts of extra explantions.
twat twat twat

it was no surface, all feeling....maybe at the time, it felt like breathing.

positive things for a saturday

1. Still dont seem to have pissed anyone off
2. I am healthy
3. My vets bill is totally paid (as in, I paid off the credit card last night. Poor again now)
4. I'm going to be thin soon

Think thats it for this morning, eek!!

two blogs in one day

and they're both positive ones, who knew??

Had a really nice day today, but dont know why, really, it's just been A Good Day. Maybe I should start my day by thinking of positive things more often? (actually, it's probably not a bad idea lol).

Went to gym this morning and had a review done by text LOL. It was hard!! run 400metres as fast as I can (7.5mph today, for the first 2 anyway, then 6.5mph for the last 2) with a minutes rest as many times as I can... Today it was 4 times, is harder work than I thought it would be. Anyway, 2.5km in 18minutes. Can't decide if thats good or not? I was red, out of breath and sweaty by the end though, more so than when I just do 2 miles in however long I can anyway, so must be good. Then went on rower, 500metres with 30second rest. Fastest was 2.05m, slowest was 2.09m. Again, no idea if thats good. The idea with the cross trainer was to do 2minutes fast and a minute slow.... I just couldnt do it, so just did my normal x-trainer routine, then I went and tried to get thin arms with the weights. By the time I finished I looked like I'd showered in my clothes - and I had nothing to change into, yuck yuck yuck. And I had to get to vets to see if Molls vet bill was ready - it was, and it was a shocking EIGHTY SEVEN POUNDS. I did ask her, numerous times, if she was sure it was right, if she had the right horse, the right account etc... she seemed to think so anyway.

Got back home, to find a letter from Barclays to say I'd been charged for a DD that I thought I'd canceled and which I obviously hadnt and it had come out of the account which had insufficient funds. So trundled back down into town and paid that, and the bank-lady has refunded the #15 charge, check her out!

Went to see FatHorse and decided to go OUT for a ride. As we left we ended up joining 2 riders going past. Asked them if they minded me tagging along till the bridleway and they said they didnt. Ended up having a really nice chat, I might accost them the next time I see them and ask if they want an extra hacking partner. Had a bit of a tantrum when we left them, but nothing like I was expecting, and to be honest, I'm not entirely sure the tantrum wasnt actually over the fact I wanted her to walk over a drain and not over the fact she had to leave her two new friends at all. Met a couple with their kids on the bridleway and FH embarrassed me totally by sticking her head in the pushchair while I was talking to the parents. Expected child to scream (I nearly did) but kid loved it. Left them and carried on, got to Yorkgate and :eek: there were 2 piles of sand either side of the track. Dear God, the reaction was suitably drama queen esque. They were hiding trolls and all sorts. Trundled back along YG and back to the yard, the pair of us in great moods. I might even do some jumping tomorrow night. Check us out, hey?

I was thinking earlier about the stupid things I do. I think I can narrow it down now to the times when I would have had a cigarette before. It's getting ridiculous at the minute though, although I've been good today, I really cant hide it for much longer. Mostly when I'm 'stressed' or cross. Or just bored. Before the gym because I dont think I'll do as well as I want to, after the gym because I havent done as well as I wanted to, at work because customers/staff/reps have infuriated me, at the yard because I havent ridden well or FH been an arse... Anyway, the whole act of taking care of it afterwards distracts me from whatever has happened and by the time I've dealt with it, whatever has upset me has passed. Thats my theory anyway, it's probably a load of bollocks.

Got home to find that V had bought me some of my most favourite ice cream ever as a thank you for doing some posters to find her dog... AND I was still within points enough to eat some. I told her she really didnt need to, but I loved that she had LOL.

See, today has been a good day. I am happy, happy, happy. I have a lovely Christopher and some amazing friends, who all mean the world to me. I just need to not fuck things up and it's all good.

Being Positive.

I am. Today will be A Good Girl Day. I think I need to start making a list of positives everyday, because I really am a lucky person, I just dont see it at times.

So. Todays positives. This may get shorter as the week goes on..!

1. I have a Christopher and some lovely, amazing friends.
2. I also have The FatHorse and The Kittens
3. The above are happy (I hope) and healthy.
4. I am losing weight, I will do it and I will be thin.
5. We've had the plans approved for the first bit of the house extension.
6. I am still remotivated re the weight thing, despite a flapjack-shaped slip up yesterday.
7. My manky foot did not hurt at all yesterday
8. I've just paid off my credit card, so when FatHorses vets bill arrives, I can put it straight on that and not worry about it sitting on S' account for ages.
9. I do love my job. Despite how much I complain about it. Got told the other day that I have 20days of holiday I'm still to take before he end of November, otherwise I'll lose it, no carrying over or getting paid for them. Normally I've used my holiday by the end of March!!
10. I'm going to Iceland!!!
11. I've almost done a full week of riding before work and then gym or some sort of exercise in the evening. (Today I MUST do both as well - day off). Tuesday was the only day I didnt do any real exercise (dont count walking to fatfighters, esp as Sarah drove me back home), but, a day off is good...I guess.

Wow. That is more positives than I thought. Now I just need to stop the ridiculous scratching and then I can go to bed whenever I want rather than hiding in there before Chris gets in. And wear my shorter armed tops when I have thin arms. And it's just a stupid thing to do.

Now I just need to motivate myself to get to the gym.... Or ride this morning, one of the 2.

Hmmm

Fat Fighters meeting - LOADS of people from the gym there, suppose it was to be expected really, but it means that I can't give up now. One of the gym people does the weighing. REALLY dont like that, but I'm sure I'll get over myself. I came out all remotivated but I sem to have lost it a bit now... I'll take the stuff they gave us and have it as bedtime reading, hopefully I'll rediscover the motivation.

Really must ride the fathorse in the morning, meant to this morning but was so tired when the alarm went off I just lunged instead and I feel rubbish now, especially as it took as long as riding would have and I ate shit all day.

Still, riding and gym tomorrow, thursday and friday. Must put my stirrups up a hole, I was so ineffective in trot the other day.

Wish I was thin. And rich. And probably someone else entirely.

tired this morning

Dan gave me a Dan-Compliment yesterday. Apparently 'it's been fucking AGES since you were in a bad mood Rach!!'. So, yay me! Unfortunately I am knackered this morning and am already in a bad mood, and all I've done is get up and dressed. Doesnt bode well for rest of day, does it?!

Ran/walked from work to Business Focus last night with T&someone she works with. I held them back :( I'm 1000000% sure the more running I do, the more rubbish i get, I really do. I did it with swimming too. Rode FatHorse yesterday morning as well, she was ok, there was some moments of brilliance, but mostly she was a tit. I'm meant to be riding this morning, but like I say, I'm knackered so I'm just going to lunge.

Made her a FatCamp Sunday night and she went out in it yesterday. Checked her a couple of times during the day and she'd fencewalked a bit, but, I know its mean, but I'm not hugely bothered. If she's fence walking she's not stuffing her face AND she's working off what she's eaten lol.

Got a FatFighters meeting tonight with Sarah. I just dont have the willpower anymore so I'm going to go and be shamed into losing weight. Hopefully the competitiveness will reinspire me. I have 3months (ish) to lose 2 stone and it's just not happening at the minute :(

Need to think of things to sell to pay for this bloody vet bill. I dont even want to know how much it's going to be.

3 things

1. check me out, the cardio queen.... rower 2000m 8minutes,29.3seconds, bike, program 6, 15mins, 5.05km, x-trainer, level 17, hill program, 240calories, treadmill, 2miles in 23minutes dead, but did have to walk 3 times (3 minutes) but did the last 3 or so minutes at 6mph. Was pleased today.

2. Rode FatHorse. She was, um, turbocharged. We were only going to have a mooch round the school, but we did a better impression of something speedy. I did think about taking her in the field, but given its only two days since the vet was twittering on about colic surgery and 'is she insured?' we stayed in the arena.

3. Built Fat Horse a FatCamp. Cross everything that she doesnt escape into the main field, or onto the bridleway, she doesnt colic and she doesnt do anything else that might cost me more money. Oh, and cause her ill health, obviously.

But. Still no self control around food, still rubbish on the treadmill, still rubbish at running outside. Running from work into town tomorrow with 2 extra people I dont know and I really dont want to do it, they will be uber fast and I wont keep up and will hold them back but can't back out now.

Made a bit of a mess.

Frustration number 10....

Am I going round the bend?

See, its going well now

But I cant be happy - because if I'd stuck to it for the last 3 months then I would have been so much further on.

Still I cant be too cross, it's my own stupid fault.

Belly is in season, she woke me up at 3am by sitting on my head, yelling her head off. Chris slept through it.

Do I gym or ride in the morning? Am tempted to gym. Tonight was far more successful than last night, even beat my rower - 8.36m. Did level 5 on the bike, level 17 on the x-trainer and also managed to do 2miles in under 25minutes. Couldnt run it all though.

Must ride FatHorse tomorrow night, although I suspect seeing how she was tonight I'll be wanting nice big arm muscles.

Fat Fighters day one...

I'm a point over already :lol: but am under points for tomorrow so can make it up then hopefully. Must. Be. Good.

Gym was predictably rubbish, but I managed to run a bit which I didnt think I'd do, in fact I did everything, just a bit slower than I would have liked. Had to do it in a vest top which I did NOT enjoy cos my stupid burnt shoulders really hurt.

Starting Again

Fat Fighters is starting again today. I have loads of fruit with me, I'm having vegetables for tea... I WILL be thin. Need to lose 2 stone by September, at least. Back off to the gym tonight as well.

New 10% goal is 13stone3lbs. After that, only 2 more (ish) stone to go before my Big Goal Weight. Makes it sound so easy.

Yeah, new weigh in day is a Wednesday too.

oh god...

A blog of realisations tonight.

1. Work. When Graham left, we all had a laugh and a joke over who would be the one who stepped into his lazy arsed shoes. I suspected it would be me. It was never going to be Chris. It isnt me. And its pissing everyone off - all I had all weekend was pissed off texts saying how lazy S had been. This happens everytime we go away or have a day off together - either he turns into Mr Lazy or else his gf turns up for the day and they book holidays on the tinterweb. Irritating. Mostly irritating because it feels like Chris and I cant go away for any length of time... Iceland is already irritatingly short because it isnt fair to leave S on his own for so long without a day off, but if we have to worry about unhappy staff to get back to as well? Happy holidays...

2. Weight. This is getting stupid. I havent lost any weight at all for fucking ages because I have no will power. So I'm changing my weigh in day to tomorrow and I'm starting again. Again. Current goal is to lose 2 stone before we go to Iceland. I want to get in the Blue Lagoon and not feel like a whale has got lost. I will be a good girl, I will not be tempted by yummy food, if I even LOOK at a tub of B&J I may as well stick the tub straight on my thighs. No more wine, pink or otherwise either, for a while.

3. Exercise. I've missed it so much. I've done nothing today, not even a walk and I feel itchy because of it. I've missed running more than I thought I would actually. Cant wait to get back in the gym tomorrow, although I'm already dismissing it as a rubbish workout because my chest is still slightly dodgy and its been a week since I was last in there. A WEEK? I cant remember the last time I stayed out of there a week. I really have changed.

4. The sun. Next time, you silly bitch, PUT SOME SUN CREAM ON. My upper arms, back and front of my legs are lobster-red. And sore.

5. I want a different job, or at least to not work with Chris anymore. I want to go away on a proper holiday and not still have to deal with stuff while we're away.

6. Oh, and to discuss the idea of cosmetic surgery calmly and rationally without either of us having a tantrum.

Dont want much, do I?

Bored now

Man flu is starting to piss me off now. Walked into town earlier to pay fat horses vet bill and get some more asprin, and had to have an hours sleep when I got back. How rubbish? Also attempted the Nell DVD and could only do 20 minutes (inc warm up!!) before dying in a sweaty, out of breath heap.

Fat Horse got freezemarked today, she was a good girl, only 1 minor aberation when she twitched as the first mark went on, so her 9 looks more like a deformed lollipop but still, she's been branded.

Kitten has also been vaccinated, he is in fine health apparently. Belly was FURIOUS when we got back and had trashed the house. Who needs a teenager?

Operation Anti Fat Ass is not going well. A cheese doritoes sandwich, a bottle of wine and some B&J cookie dough ice cream kind of not well.

I'm ill, meh.

what a weekend....

Back early(ish) - about 5.30, because mum and I had a huge argument about, of all things, sausages. I only wanted one, but no, I HAD to have 2. So I offloaded it onto Chris' plate. You'd think I'd done something AWFUL by the reaction. So we left asap, with barbed 'compliments' ringing in my ears. Got home, sorted cats out and went to see Fat Horse... Such a sweetheart, very cuddly. Still feel bad about having her freezemarked tomorrow, even though I know it *shouldnt* hurt.

There were also 'issues' cos Chris and I went for a walk earlier. It would have been a run, on my own if needs be,I actually really fancied it, but I've come down with chronic man flu and could barely breathe after an hours (flat!) walk. This was another bone of contention - I slept a lot of the weekend, partly because I am/was ill, partly because the thing I was panicking about turns out fine - for me anyway. Worrying over nothing.... But it meant I could finally sleep without chewing things over.

I must sort out Operation Anti Fat Ass again, I'm still stuck at the weight I was 2 months ago and it's so frustrating. Although I could always do more exercise I guess. Swimming again is the next on the list, but I'd want to be fitted for a costume as well. At least I'll never drown while they're this size though... Did I blog about getting a sports bra? If not... I can only go down one more back size before I am too humungous for a sports bra :eek: I will need to have them specially made at great expense. Would be far cheaper just to have a boob job.

Anyway, whatever, its food I mainly have issues with, in that I cant stop eating... It's rubbish. Really must develop some self control somehow. Other people do it, why cant I?

Back in gym tomorrow. Gonna be hard work, havent been since... Wednesday!! Bugger, it will be hard work.