feeling rubbish

Am eating rubbish, knowing I'm eating rubbish, but somehow....being unable to stop. Maybe hypnotism is the right idea. I dont know. I know I'm being atwat, but I still do it anyway? WHY??

I run out of patience with myself, it's ridiculous

I slept

Could have slept for longer, but Chris forgot to reset the alarm.... Bah. Am now sat here trying to work up energy to go up, sort t'nags out and come back and do some much needed tidying. I should ebay a shit load of stuff, but I think a car boot might be easier. I would suggest it to Christopher, but I know if he came we'd come back with more shit than we went with.

Raining this morning, FatHorse might get another day off :lazy: Have booked a week off work the week after next, just to do fuck all apart from ride and go to the gym to get thin. How sad am I? Whats worse is I can't actually wait. Still got 3 weeks of holiday to take though before the end of November. Technically it works out as a week off a month (already got a week booked for Iceland in September) but realistically I cant do that until someone else does their amtra. Might have another week off in August before madam goes on mat. leave, one in October and ask if I can possibly be paid for the rest.

I dont really know what to do at the minute. I genuinely feel like I'm cracking up at times, *I* am a mess at the minute and despite what I assure chris, it *will* scar. It hurts to walk (think thats part of the reason I was so miserable at work yesterday)and I hate being sad all the time. I cant really describe it at the minute and I'm frustrating myself. It's rubbish. Need to go patapony.

funny day

funny weird, not funny haha.

Got up ridiculously early, after minimal sleep, went up, did the horses and was in the gym by 7am. check me out, for the first time ever, I ran a mile in under 10minuts - 9.40m. Did 2.3m in 25minutes, *think* I did the 2 miles in 21 minutes, I cant remember now. Rower and cross trainer were rubbish, but I'm pleased, kind of with the running. Wish I'd carried on till 3 miles though and not done the x-trainer.

Got to work and was fine, good, even (well, discounting the gym) till midday and then I just slumped, had a cracking headache and generally felt shit, really thought I had a migraine starting. Turns out I was just being a lazy shit cos I was fine by half 4. Meant to ride tonight, but decided as I was knackered I couldnt be arsed to do anything but hack and as I have no one to hack with I couldnt be arsed with the (admittedly minor) tantrums I have to deal with. So she got a pat and that was it. Laxy bitch I am.

Wide awake now. Stu, god love him, put the phones on quiet and locked the door so I could get some sleep.

78 Stone Wobble

Presentation tonight, Chris did it. Didnt finish till half 8 so no chance of getting to the gym/going for a run/walk/whatever. The next obvious choice would be Nell or Wii Fit, no? No. I ate 2 whippy things and made my lunch for tomorrow instead. I've been so Good, right up till tonight, the longest for AGES. CROSS CROSS CROSS.

Had my jacket potato etc managed to resist 'sharing' everyone elses chips and pizza, but in order to do that had to sit on my own and ignore everyone. I was nearly in tears doing it, how bad is that? I got in such an arse.

Going to go to the gym before work tomorrow, go up and get horses out super-early, then gym, then work and ride afterwards, maybe go for a nice hack. She was a good girl this morning, but I only rode for 20minutes - she was so good this morning it was pointless doing anything more, she did everything I asked, when I asked, where I asked. Even had a fab gallop which really set me up for the day, I was in such a good mood when I got to work.

So cross with myself. I'd been so good. Pathetic.

July measurements

I know, I said I wouldnt do them, but I'm lunging this morning, I should have some more time. And if not...then neither Stu or JB are due in today. So not the right attitude.

Wednesday July 2nd
L. calf - 17
R. calf - 17.5
L. thigh - 27
R. thigh - 27
Hips (inc tummy)- 46
top hips (on bellybutton)- 43
waist - 37
under boobs - 32
L upper arm - 14
R upper arm - 13

Tuesday June 03rd
L. calf - 17
R. calf - 17
L. thigh - 27.5
R. thigh - 27.5
Hips (inc tummy)- 47
top hips (on bellybutton)- 43
waist - 37
under boobs - 35
L upper arm - 14
R upper arm - 14

4.5inches this month. How the fuck is my left arm an inch thinner than my right?

A rubbish day

So many reasons, but it didnt start hugely well when FatHorse was a total witch to ride this morning. Couldnt ride one side of her and she took utter advantage. Took her in the field to try and get some semblence of forwardsness and, fuck me, we got forwards. We didnt have so much of straightness, braking or sensibleness, but I suppose I only went in there with 'forwards' in mind. I'm going to lunge in there tomorrow and then on Thursday, we'll go back in, but I'll remember to think 'forwards, straight, sensible and brakes' as well.

Work wasnt too bad. I was lazy though and couldnt get motivated. I need to really kick myself up the arse tomorrow. It should not take all day to do the banking, put one new thing on the system and phone an order through. I reallyreally dont deserve my payrise.

Then FatClub, I've lost 1lb apparently, but I wasnt wearing my hoodie, so there's my pound thats gone. Didnt stay for meeting, really wasnt in frame of mind. Came home in a foul, horrid mood. Announced I wasnt eating tea, which I havent, but I had cereal, a whippy bar and some ham and cheese :rolleyes: So much for the food ban.

MUST sort myself out tomorrow. It's horrible. Loved the whippy bar but its still coating my mouth now and it's not good. My thighs I swear have got wider as well. Technically I should have done some measurements this morning. I'll do them saturday, I have little enough time in the morning as it is.

Nicola coming round tomorrow. Joy.

WWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH

I'm not looking forward to FatClub tonight, I WILL have put on weight. I KNEW I shouldnt have gone to the body shop party last night...there was wine, wagon wheels, sweets, chocolate biscuits and dips.

FatHorse was a good girl yesterday morning, we even did some jumping, check us out. This morning will be Boring Schooling only though, I am Tired and she was, umm, speedy, into the jumps, resulting in some uncomfortable jumping.

Work wasnt too bad yesterday, bit boring as spent the whole day putting new things onto stock, today could be interesting. I want to get out in the shop and do some stocking up (leaves staff to get on with stuff I'd rather they were doing/I might lose a bit more weight before FatClub) but owner is coming down to go through thursday nights presentation, so I dont know if I'll get chance.

Oh, yeah, Thursday night. No exercise and Bad Food. I'm not looking forward to it, quite apart from the presentation. Bah.

From Despair to Where?

Upwards, hopefully. I'm very tired this week, can't decide if its due to being unused to getting up so early and DOING stuff again or what, but I'm fed up of it and would like to just sleep for 2 days and be fine again.

Went into Harrogate yesterday, got LOADS of books (incredibly happy), lots of bath stuff (happy) and some pj sets from La Senza. All of which look rubbish, which made me rubbish. And I got caught as well to reaction to which, tbh, made me more rubbish. Still, the books are great. When the extension is done, I think we just have to have one room with a great big comfy sofa in, and just full of book shelves... I'd love it.

Have ridden FatHorse this morning, I was pleased with her, although she was bloody heavy on my hands and I've blistered a bit. Was going to do some more jumping, but they started clay pigeon shooting again but literally RIGHT behind us. Didnt want to die today, so we just did a bit of walk and trot. She was so tense today. Didnt help that they started as I was running through P18 and was just doing FWLR. She went off that fast I was nearly left sat on my arse. I might ride later, will see how I feel, although she'll be furious and probably ditch me in retaliation. Fat Camp is looking veryvery bare now... Will give it another week I think and pull it out a bit. She's lost weight anyway.

I havent however. Why the hell not, I've done loads of running. Not fair. Hopefully I'll still have lost on Tuesday night, but...meh. I KNOW I can't lose 6lbs every week, but how cool would it be if I could?

Must be a good girl and go to the gym too today. Knees are a bit sore though so running might be crap. Have to do horses in the morning, but do I ride? Hmm. I fancy hacking out but I'm bored of the square now, Danefield will take too long and the other way, there's just too much fast traffic at that time of the morning, it's not worth it.

Right. Must motivate myself to do something productive, such as washing up, rather than sitting here, stroking the cat. I might go read my book.

I want a zoo.

sleepy

Have not slept well (no particular reason) and am now trying to muster up energy to go up and do the horses.

Can't really be arsed. I might just go up and turn out and muck out then come back and ride later. Bet it rains later though.

Decisions, decisions.

Have to re-remember why I[m doing this

I need to be thin for Iceland and the whole swimming in public thing.

Chris-pizza and wine is not helping this cause although I feel better than i have done in a while.

Gym was good, although the t shirt I had was too short in the arms to wear in public, so I borrowed a gym one. it was white. not a good thing, I was rubbish and it showed. Did some sit ups, ran 3.25miles in 37minutes, rowered and cross trained. FatHorse has had the day off today, she might get ridden twice tomorrow though, dpends how I feel.

Do I like wine, or do I just like to be drunk?

I'm really tired this morning...

Forgot to tell Chris I didnt have the horses to do this morning, so alarm went off at 6am...again. Hadnt got to sleep especially early either. Thought, for about 5 seconds, about getting up and riding anyway, but decided to go back to sleep, which I did for 16 minutes until the snooze went off. Typical. Still havent gone to yard. I SHOULD ride tonight, as am having Chris-pizza and wine for tea, but I really want to go to the gym, and if there's time do some situps and stuff. Or something. I could do both, but if I ride first I'll be rubbish at the gym which will upset me, but if I ride after then god knows what time I'll be back. Maybe she can just have the day off and I'll do some jumping tomorrow. Maybe.

NEARLY managed 3 miles in one go last night at the gym, think I walked for about 4 minutes in total (walked 2 or 3 times, I cant remember) and did it in 34 minutes, check me out - really pleased, but also a bit :huh: because I dont *think* it would have taken to much effort to have run the lot. WHY though, can I not do it outside??? It's highly frustrating and mildly upsetting too. Did rower, x-trainer and tried to get thin arms, but the arms weren't really happening last night.

Stupid stuff is getting stupidly stupid. Can't move without somewhere hurting now. My own fault and now I'm feeling better I'm cross, because it's so STUPID.

Urgh, today wont be a good day at work. Lots of orders to put away and the new girl is in. Really must pull my finger out and become what they seem to think I'm worth.

seriously, I do piss myself off.

I've just had an AMAZING gym session, but I'm fucked off with it :rolleyes: I should have done 3 miles. But I did manage 2.3 instead. The rower was ok and the cross trainer was same as always, increased the weights for my arms as well. Still wish I'd done 3miles though.

AND. Something work related, it's a good thing, but I dont think I deserve it - not false modesty, just dont deserve it. Why can't I just be grateful?

Pony was a witch this morning, dont know what got into her, but she was SO backwards this morning and I just couldnt get her going at all, so ended up losing my temper (bad) which meant she did too. Didn't come off, but it was a close thing. I'm going to lunge her tomorrow, then go back in the school Friday morning, and maybe do some jumping IF she is a good girl. Little shit she was this morning.

Had put weight on this morning but I'm not getting in an arse, I ate badly after the meeting and I'm sure it will have gone by next Tuesday. Hopefully. Was fine all day (although didnt get lunch till 4pm cos of meeting) but then lady next door brought some biscuits round for us, and I acidentally ate 4. Oops. Just as well it was OK at the gym.

This keyboard is really fucking me off, I press letters and nothing happens unless I go back and press it extra hard. Has taken 40minutes to write this. Rubbish.

Oh, and Must Try Harder. I'm fine until I start.

Can't decide what sort of day I've had.

Started off badly when I decided to hack out on FatHorse, given she'd been such a good girl schooling yesterday morning. I KNEW the second I got on her, she was going to be an arse, her back was right up and she was just silly, right from the start. One of the shetlands has had a foal :wub: and that caused a high speed reverse till I booted her, she remembered forwards then. Went past a tractor - THAT didnt phase her, obviously, but the dead fox in the verge, definately did. We had Issues with the drain again, then were fine until we got to The Cows. She is not scared of cows. She used to live in a field with some, was stabled next to some AND hacked through them. She tried spinning, she tried reverse, she tried threatening to go up (shocked her when I booted and growled 'fucking TRY it, you little shit' at her -I wasnt coming off her, still had to get to work and have a wash etc!!) and in the end she slinked past, but not content with having got past, she had to have a little spook at the end, at nothing :rolleyes: Oh, and a very big spook as we came off the bridleway because the 2 mounds of sand that were there on Saturday, weren't there this morning. Then went back along Yorkgate absolutely golden. She is a little shit. Told her I was tying her to the gate for the pikeys to take. She wasnt bothered. Think she realised they'd bring her back again.

Work not too bad. Money gone from the tills. I have my suspicions. Irritatingly it's not who I *wanted* it to be. Was fun in places, me and V had a huge attack of the giggles, we were very naughty. I was crying and couldnt breathe and inadvertently scared everyone cos they thought something was wrong. We want to go to the circus, tomorrow night will be cheapest, but I have to go to the gym, hmmm. Or Saturday, but it will be packed with kids. Is most disconcerting driving past the garden centre and seeing a zebra grazing. Clairebear thinks its a white horse they've painted black lines on.

FatClub. I went, I've lost, I was told off for losing too much, too quick. Thought the whole point was to lose weight? Ridiculous. Meeting was rubbish and Sarah unsurprisingly has bailed out on me, so I went alone, which made it even more rubbish. Next time I think I'll just go get weighed and then go to the gym. Havent actually lost as much as they say though, because I was wearing different clothes and next time I'll obviously be in my gym stuff, which will weigh less than jeans and a hoodie.

Have not been good.

Lets go for 'rubbish day'.

Rubbish, I'm sorry

i dont know what the hell was up with me today. Got to gym, was stupid before I even went in, got on treadmill, full of energy and ready to do my best gym-run ever. Fuck knows what happened, did 1.3miles then completely and utterly stalled, ran half a mile or so more then had to walk the last bit to 2miles because I had a horrendous stitch. Walked that off, then went on rower, did the intervals (500m 20sec rest X 4) and it wasnt too horrendous, but by the time I'd done those I was late. Why? I wasnt late going down there? Rubbish. So was bad after too and suspect I will be in trouble later.

Work was fairly rubbish, but yay for no pikeys. Desperately wanted to ride, but the wind was horrendous, could barely open the doors to the barn, fathorse was being a tit and while I still wanted to ride, self preservation kicked in. Still cross though as I intended going on wii fit, but Chris is sat in front of Top Gear and is not for moving.

Bad food today as well. Rubbish day all round really.

I'm sorry

Stupid stupid stupid

I was having such a really good day as well today.

RRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

God, i piss myself off and now theres all sorts of extra explantions.
twat twat twat

it was no surface, all feeling....maybe at the time, it felt like breathing.

positive things for a saturday

1. Still dont seem to have pissed anyone off
2. I am healthy
3. My vets bill is totally paid (as in, I paid off the credit card last night. Poor again now)
4. I'm going to be thin soon

Think thats it for this morning, eek!!

two blogs in one day

and they're both positive ones, who knew??

Had a really nice day today, but dont know why, really, it's just been A Good Day. Maybe I should start my day by thinking of positive things more often? (actually, it's probably not a bad idea lol).

Went to gym this morning and had a review done by text LOL. It was hard!! run 400metres as fast as I can (7.5mph today, for the first 2 anyway, then 6.5mph for the last 2) with a minutes rest as many times as I can... Today it was 4 times, is harder work than I thought it would be. Anyway, 2.5km in 18minutes. Can't decide if thats good or not? I was red, out of breath and sweaty by the end though, more so than when I just do 2 miles in however long I can anyway, so must be good. Then went on rower, 500metres with 30second rest. Fastest was 2.05m, slowest was 2.09m. Again, no idea if thats good. The idea with the cross trainer was to do 2minutes fast and a minute slow.... I just couldnt do it, so just did my normal x-trainer routine, then I went and tried to get thin arms with the weights. By the time I finished I looked like I'd showered in my clothes - and I had nothing to change into, yuck yuck yuck. And I had to get to vets to see if Molls vet bill was ready - it was, and it was a shocking EIGHTY SEVEN POUNDS. I did ask her, numerous times, if she was sure it was right, if she had the right horse, the right account etc... she seemed to think so anyway.

Got back home, to find a letter from Barclays to say I'd been charged for a DD that I thought I'd canceled and which I obviously hadnt and it had come out of the account which had insufficient funds. So trundled back down into town and paid that, and the bank-lady has refunded the #15 charge, check her out!

Went to see FatHorse and decided to go OUT for a ride. As we left we ended up joining 2 riders going past. Asked them if they minded me tagging along till the bridleway and they said they didnt. Ended up having a really nice chat, I might accost them the next time I see them and ask if they want an extra hacking partner. Had a bit of a tantrum when we left them, but nothing like I was expecting, and to be honest, I'm not entirely sure the tantrum wasnt actually over the fact I wanted her to walk over a drain and not over the fact she had to leave her two new friends at all. Met a couple with their kids on the bridleway and FH embarrassed me totally by sticking her head in the pushchair while I was talking to the parents. Expected child to scream (I nearly did) but kid loved it. Left them and carried on, got to Yorkgate and :eek: there were 2 piles of sand either side of the track. Dear God, the reaction was suitably drama queen esque. They were hiding trolls and all sorts. Trundled back along YG and back to the yard, the pair of us in great moods. I might even do some jumping tomorrow night. Check us out, hey?

I was thinking earlier about the stupid things I do. I think I can narrow it down now to the times when I would have had a cigarette before. It's getting ridiculous at the minute though, although I've been good today, I really cant hide it for much longer. Mostly when I'm 'stressed' or cross. Or just bored. Before the gym because I dont think I'll do as well as I want to, after the gym because I havent done as well as I wanted to, at work because customers/staff/reps have infuriated me, at the yard because I havent ridden well or FH been an arse... Anyway, the whole act of taking care of it afterwards distracts me from whatever has happened and by the time I've dealt with it, whatever has upset me has passed. Thats my theory anyway, it's probably a load of bollocks.

Got home to find that V had bought me some of my most favourite ice cream ever as a thank you for doing some posters to find her dog... AND I was still within points enough to eat some. I told her she really didnt need to, but I loved that she had LOL.

See, today has been a good day. I am happy, happy, happy. I have a lovely Christopher and some amazing friends, who all mean the world to me. I just need to not fuck things up and it's all good.

Being Positive.

I am. Today will be A Good Girl Day. I think I need to start making a list of positives everyday, because I really am a lucky person, I just dont see it at times.

So. Todays positives. This may get shorter as the week goes on..!

1. I have a Christopher and some lovely, amazing friends.
2. I also have The FatHorse and The Kittens
3. The above are happy (I hope) and healthy.
4. I am losing weight, I will do it and I will be thin.
5. We've had the plans approved for the first bit of the house extension.
6. I am still remotivated re the weight thing, despite a flapjack-shaped slip up yesterday.
7. My manky foot did not hurt at all yesterday
8. I've just paid off my credit card, so when FatHorses vets bill arrives, I can put it straight on that and not worry about it sitting on S' account for ages.
9. I do love my job. Despite how much I complain about it. Got told the other day that I have 20days of holiday I'm still to take before he end of November, otherwise I'll lose it, no carrying over or getting paid for them. Normally I've used my holiday by the end of March!!
10. I'm going to Iceland!!!
11. I've almost done a full week of riding before work and then gym or some sort of exercise in the evening. (Today I MUST do both as well - day off). Tuesday was the only day I didnt do any real exercise (dont count walking to fatfighters, esp as Sarah drove me back home), but, a day off is good...I guess.

Wow. That is more positives than I thought. Now I just need to stop the ridiculous scratching and then I can go to bed whenever I want rather than hiding in there before Chris gets in. And wear my shorter armed tops when I have thin arms. And it's just a stupid thing to do.

Now I just need to motivate myself to get to the gym.... Or ride this morning, one of the 2.

Hmmm

Fat Fighters meeting - LOADS of people from the gym there, suppose it was to be expected really, but it means that I can't give up now. One of the gym people does the weighing. REALLY dont like that, but I'm sure I'll get over myself. I came out all remotivated but I sem to have lost it a bit now... I'll take the stuff they gave us and have it as bedtime reading, hopefully I'll rediscover the motivation.

Really must ride the fathorse in the morning, meant to this morning but was so tired when the alarm went off I just lunged instead and I feel rubbish now, especially as it took as long as riding would have and I ate shit all day.

Still, riding and gym tomorrow, thursday and friday. Must put my stirrups up a hole, I was so ineffective in trot the other day.

Wish I was thin. And rich. And probably someone else entirely.

tired this morning

Dan gave me a Dan-Compliment yesterday. Apparently 'it's been fucking AGES since you were in a bad mood Rach!!'. So, yay me! Unfortunately I am knackered this morning and am already in a bad mood, and all I've done is get up and dressed. Doesnt bode well for rest of day, does it?!

Ran/walked from work to Business Focus last night with T&someone she works with. I held them back :( I'm 1000000% sure the more running I do, the more rubbish i get, I really do. I did it with swimming too. Rode FatHorse yesterday morning as well, she was ok, there was some moments of brilliance, but mostly she was a tit. I'm meant to be riding this morning, but like I say, I'm knackered so I'm just going to lunge.

Made her a FatCamp Sunday night and she went out in it yesterday. Checked her a couple of times during the day and she'd fencewalked a bit, but, I know its mean, but I'm not hugely bothered. If she's fence walking she's not stuffing her face AND she's working off what she's eaten lol.

Got a FatFighters meeting tonight with Sarah. I just dont have the willpower anymore so I'm going to go and be shamed into losing weight. Hopefully the competitiveness will reinspire me. I have 3months (ish) to lose 2 stone and it's just not happening at the minute :(

Need to think of things to sell to pay for this bloody vet bill. I dont even want to know how much it's going to be.